Don't worry, I haven't done anything exciting like find a boyfriend or lose my virginity. The recent drama has all been in my friend T's life. Now I'm all for living vicariously through the lives of others but in this case I wish her life had been boring since my last post.
Last time I posted I was worried about going away for the weekend with her in case she gushed about the guy she was seeing. Well the weekend was fine, there was a little gushing, and a bit of worry, as there was misunderstanding the two of them needed to sort out while she was away, but all was ok. Since then however it's all been downhill.
Not long after that weekend he told her he had to clear the air with his ex girlfriend and that until that was done he and T couldn't be together properly as it would be unfair on both women. Fair enough, it seemed he was doing the right thing. Not long after that he told her he only wanted to be friends with her, only to sleep with her again a week or two later. And a couple of days after that he again told her he could only be friends. The possibility of him getting back together with his ex was also mentioned.
Various other things have happened before and after these two "just friends" chats. He has invited her to his house for the evening then changed his mind at the last minute. She has gone to his house for an evening and he has tried to make her go home just before midnight after the last train has left. Other plans have been made and broken by him. All in all he has been a pretty unreliable guy.
However she says she is in love with him and really wanted to try to be friends with him so she didn't lose him from her life completely. She thinks it was going ok but from the numerous emails she sent me daily, over analysing every last action and word of his for a sign he might want more than friendship, I don't think it was.
Almost the last straw came a couple of weeks ago when he posted on a social networking site that he was in a relationship. He hadn't told T. She assumed it was the ex but was really upset that he hadn't told her in person. She was feeling so bad that she almost pulled out of the holiday we were due to go on.
Then this week it got worse. He cam out for drinks to celebrate her birthday. She had invited him long ago and he had said he would come. She kept saying that if he didn't she wouldn't bother going out at all (which sort of made me feel a little unwanted - aren't I good enough to celebrate with?).
Anyway, he did some out, and the evening started okay, but then in bar number 2, he made some comments relating to drug dealing friends which really disturbed me. She told me not to worry and we carried on to bar number 3. For the first half hour or so the three of us drank and chatted and took photos, then the two of them moved away a little and started their own conversation, leaving me standing alone, for pretty much the rest of the evening. She came over to me a couple of times to say they were sorting out the whole friendship thing and please could I let them sort it then we could have fun. The fun did not happen as not long after she came to me and said he had just said something which suggested he himself deals in drugs. He also made some nasty comments to her which made her feel awful about herself. She ended up crying her eyes out on me when we got home, though she never showed him how upset she was.
I am really not good at dealing with this sort of thing, as much as I might say "it will get better, you won't always feel like this" how do I know it will get better having never experienced it? Part of me also wants to shake her and say "you've only known him for 5 months, how can you be in love with him?" but again I have no personal experience to base that on. And when she says she hates herself and that shit keeps happening to her, I feel like saying "what about me? You think you're awful because this happened, I am so loathsome that nobody even wants to try to be with me, so I've never got as far as being dumped."
I'm not really sure where this post is going, but I am just tired of being an amateur counsellor for her (she has said a few times she wants to die and has self esteem problems) and needed to write this all down. I will keep doing the counsellor thing as much as I can, but it is exhausting me and I'm not qualified for it. I am trying with not much luck to get her to see her doctor and get a referral to someone who is qualified. I am grateful all this crap is not happening to me, but at the same time it makes me sad that I have no idea what it feels like to love someone.
5 comments:
and yet i reckon a part of you is thankful that you don't have to experience loving someone like that. as i read this, i wanted to shake her too. i can only hope that she gets over this and was only being kinda dramatic bout wanting to die. seriously he's a jerk. he probably feeds off the attention. i wanna shake him too.
Ditto. I'm always stuck in the faux-therapist position all the while wondering whether what they're going through is worth it because at least they have someone there. A second someone. Someone who they are involved with.
It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Jo - I am definitely thankful not to be experiencing what she is. He does seem to have a huge ego and you're probably right about him feeding off the attention. She has seen him today at work (they work in the same place) and she says she would do anything to be with him. I feel like hitting her head against a wall!! He's a drug dealing low life, she needs to run a mile!
G/W - The faux-therapist position isn't much fun is it. I wouldn't want this particular situation because she never really had love in the first place as there was no real relationship, but being in a happy relationship for a few months and then beng dumped must be better than not knowing what it is to be loved.
I think it's just that validation that we look for. So many people have been in relationships that have eventually ended. Even if the ending wasn't even worth the relationship, I'd still take it because at least it means that I'm capable of being in one, right?
The thing is, when you told her that things will get better and that she won't always feel like this, you were telling her the truth. You might not know what she's going through, but I think that for all of us, it's important to remember that whatever bad thing we're going through and whatever bad feelings we're experiencing...we're not going to feel like that for always.
I agree with Jo. You're lucky you're not experiencing the "agony" of being dumped by a low life. I actually think we're the lucky ones because experiencing that much pain for someone who's not even worth it and to be universally thought of as a fool for feeling that way...I don't think that's better than having never known what it is to be loved.
But that's probably just me.
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