Letter to a Friend

Dear Friend,
I have no idea why you are ignoring me. I'm not even sure that you are ignoring me, but the lack of response to my texts and emails for 10 days and the fact that you're not answering your phone means I have to assume that I am indeed being ignored. You are usually in touch several times a week, often just a quick text or two, but contact nonetheless.

I last heard from you just before New Year. You seemed fine. You sent 3 or 4 texts that day, I replied but my texts went unacknowledged. I assumed you were busy. Since then, nothing.

I sent you a Happy New Year on the morning of the 1st but heard nothing from you all day. I thought it a bit odd as you never usually fail to send birthday/Christmas/New year/other special occasion wishes, but concluded that maybe you were ill with the flu that's been going round.

I sent a quick, silly text the next day. No reply. I sent an email the day after. I said I hoped all was ok with you. No reply. The next day I texted to ask if all was ok. The day after, my text said I was getting worried about you. Friday's said I was here if you want to talk. Still I heard nothing from you.

Saturday I phoned you. The phone rang and then went to voicemail. You didn't call me back as you normally would. I called again this evening. Straight to voicemail this time. I contacted a mutual friend to see if she'd seen or heard from you. She's going to email you at work tomorrow. If you reply I will be relieved that you are ok, but also extremely hurt that you are ignoring me.

This isn't the first time you've stopped contacting me and replying to me. I'm looking back over the previous times to try to work out why. The first time, you were depressed and had turned off your phone and hidden it as you didn't want to speak to anyone. I can understand that and forgive it. But that time you had been showing signs of depression for a while. This time you seemed perfectly happy and fairly positive last time I heard from you.

Another time you went AWOL for a week when you were ill in bed with bad flu. If that's the case this time surely over a week into being ill you can manage a quick text to say "I'm ill"? You know from my texts that I am worried, or if you haven't seen them you must realise that I will be wondering why I haven't heard from you. I assume if you were so ill that you can't pick up the phone that somebody would have let me know. If being ill is the reason it's also probably forgivable.

The other reason you have ignored me in the past is because you were angry or offended over something I said or did. You gave no indication that that you were feeling that way and looking back over my texts of that last day I can't see anything offensive, upsetting or controversial in them. From past experience though I know that you can be upset by something nobody else would have a problem with.

If you are angry with me over something and are handling it by simply ignoring me, then we need to talk. You cannot simply disappear when something happens in our friendship which you don't like. Tell me that you're angry, tell me what about and tell me that you need time away from the friendship, and I will give you time. Tell me that you're angry and that you need to talk it through with me, and I will happily talk it through. But do not just disappear with no warning or explanation. It hurts. It worries me.

Previously I have sent you all sorts of texts and emails begging you to let me know you're ok. I am not doing that this time as it makes the hurt and worry worse. I do wonder whether you do this to provoke a reaction, to get me to tell you how much I care, and to beg you to get in touch. I wonder whether you are testing my friendship. I hope I am wrong to wonder that.

In the past I have travelled to your town to try to see you. You have never even acknowledged that I did that. I don't think I can risk rejection again by doing it this time.

I don't know where we go from here. Our mutual friend will let me know tomorrow whether she hears from you. If she does but you carry on ignoring me I have no idea what to do. I can't force you to reply, or pick up the phone. I guess I just wait. Send an occasional text or email.

At what point do I give up on hearing from you? If you re-appear and you were ill or depressed I forgive you and we can go on as we were. We've had a great past few months and have some good things planned for this year. But if it turns out you're doing this through anger then we need to talk. And if you can't or won't talk then a version of this letter will be heading your way. I cannot cope with this happening every few months.

I really hope you're alright. I hope you're not depressed again. I hope out mutual friend hears from you despite what that might tell me about why you're ignoring me. If she cannot get hold of you either then we have a completely different problem but I'm not thinking about that yet.

Love and best wishes

K xxx

PS I had a disagreement with my best friend today. I phoned her, she answered, we talked and everything is now fine. Why can't we do that?