I think I'm a little afraid of men. Not all men. Married or attached men, those I don't find at all attractive and those who are much older or younger than me, I have no problem with. But single men, around my age, who I find at least sort of attractive or who I might possibly find attractive, they scare the hell out of me just by talking to me.
I went into the kitchen at work one day last week to find a guy who works down my corridor already in there. I speak to him quite often about work related things, and have had one or two fairly short conversations with him about non-work things. I don't look at him and immediately find myself attracted to him, but I have occasionally thought that I possibly could find him attractive in certain circumstances (such as if he asked me on a date).
As we made our various cups of tea and coffee we said a few random things to each other, and then he asked me if I had any plans for the weekend. I told him I had none, he said the same, I mentioned something hobby-related which I did last weekend, which prompted a further question from him. We were almost having a proper conversation.
And I was scared. He was surely only making conversation as making drinks in silence can feel a bit awkward. But I was thinking "Why did he ask that? He can't like me??? What if he asks me out? How do I handle that? How do I cope with a date? I can't talk to him, he'll think I like him." I had all sorts of nonsense running through my mind, nonsense which stems from my total lack of experience with men. To me, going on a date, being in a relationship with a man, are things as new and alien to me as sky-diving or bungee-jumping, and are every bit as scary.
Other people find the thought of a first date exciting. I wish I did. Instead, I am stuck with fear. Fear of not knowing what to do and of doing it all wrong. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of looking like an idiot. Fear of being found out.
9 comments:
Hi there, Katya! I love following your blog because I am also 22 year old single girl who never had a boyfriend/sex.
I may be young, but reading your post here makes me honestly think you're just extremely shy!
There's nothing wrong with you and the bloke who finally gets you is one lucky bastard.
Oh man. That used to happen to me all the time- it still does if the guy is attractive enough and I'm sober.
You totally feel like a fraud while you're talking to them and you can't help but keep thinking about the conversation you had over and over again in your head.
The only thing that has helped me is a general over-all rise in my self esteem. It's still tough sometimes but I truck through it. I went on my first date a few weeks ago and while it wasn't ideal, my nerves were curbed a bit (although that could be attributed to the fact that I only had 24 hours to psych myself up about it because he asked me out on the Friday for the Saturday).
Gawd, I know this feeling. I know it. I know it. I know it.
I think what you have to tell yourself is that nerves are normal in these situations- it's just that you need to be able to fake it while you can. Eventually, you'll get used to it.
LW, thank you for your kind words. You're right, I am essentially a shy person, though much less so than when I was a teenager or in my early 20s. I've gained much more confidence since then and will quite happily chat with most people with, it's just single vaguely attractive men I still have a problem with.
G/W - ah yes, going over and over the conversation in your head. Why did I say that? It sounded so stupid. I should have said this/that/something else etc etc. I guess I just need to keep talking to single attractive men and keep practising at faking a lack of nerves.
You're not alone -- I feel the same way...Actually, I know that the reason I develop silly little crushes on men who are unavailable (gay, married, attached) is because I know nothing will come of it. But then, when I tried online dating and was confronted with the very occasional man who was age appropriate and mildly attractive to me, I was completely afraid of what would happen next...in a lot of ways, I sabotaged my own experience there.
Ecrivain - yup a crush on someone when it can never come to anything is so much easier than one on someone available. I can quite comfortably chat to a guy I'm attracted to if he's unavailable -I enjoy the chat, I enjoy looking at him and I'm not scared.
Feeling scared like this makes me feel almost as if I'm emotionally stunted or something.
I don't blame you for feeling that way. It's easy to get nervous or tongue-tied around a guy that you find attractive.
Hard as it is, when you're in that type of moment, turn your internal thought process off for the time being and focus on the conversation at hand. After a few practice runs doing that it'll become second nature.
Hi Dienna and thank you for the comment.
You're right, it is hard to turn off the internal thought process and stop thinking "he's attractive and single and I'm chatting to him" but that is what I need to do. Perhaps I need to pretend these men are attached to help me at least feel comfortable talking to them? I don't know.
Hi Katya,
I know this is a late comment but I just had to share my two cent's worth...
I am 31 and a virgin. Very hard to write that! Definitely did not expect things to turn out that way, but anyway...I too have the exact same problem talking to available men I find even remotely attractive. Not long ago I saw a therapist who, to prove a point, handed me a transparent square of plastic and said "This is how you feel." She said I believed how I felt inside was entirely transparent and obvious to others. So talking to a handsome man would make me nervous and in turn would often cause me to sweat and tremble because I just knew he could see how nervous I was. It would end up with me making some excuse and running away. But this "transparency" usually isn't true. Her analogy has somewhat helped me- even to a point where I was able to chat to a very attractive man (with only mild sweating!)who I used to know who I ran into at the supermarket. A few months ago I would have literally run away. Don't know if it helps in your situation, but just thought I would share :)
Hi Kathleen, thank you for the comment. That's a really interesting analogy, and I can relate to it - when talking to attractive available men I am convinced that they can see how nervous I am, and that they know I find them attractive. And of course if they know, in my head they also think I'm ridiculous for liking them, which gets me even more embarrassed! I will try working on telling myself that the transparency isn't true and see how I go.
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