As of today I have something to do this weekend. A lot of my weekends I don’t do much at all, and what I do do doesn’t vary much – grocery or clothes shopping, watching TV at home, a trip to the shop to buy a newspaper, a visit to church (yes I go to church but that’s most definitely not why I’m a virgin. I disagree with a fair few of the church’s rules on sex and relationships)
Obviously all of this is done alone. Often the only people I speak to are shop assistants as I hand over money.
I do have some more sociable weekends. I sometimes go away for the weekend to visit a friend who is married with two children. Sometimes I go shopping with a friend. And occasionally I meet someone for drink or dinner or both.
What I’ve realised recently is that the majority of these activities, no matter who they’re with, have one thing in common: they are not instigated by me. Or if they are, the specific date has been chosen by someone else. Most times I have plans for a weekend it’s because someone else has invited me to do something.
My friend with children will invite me to visit.
Or a friend from work asks me if I fancy a drink.
Or my friend who was seeing Married Guy will finally give me a date when she is able to see me.
Or, this weekend I have been invited to have lunch with two friends who are a couple.
I rarely say no because I’m usually free, and don’t get me wrong I’m not exactly complaining because I do love spending time with my friends. But I do feel like I am relying on other people to provide a social life for me.
It’s not like I don’t try inviting them to do stuff, they just rarely seem to say yes, are busy with something else with their husbands/partners, or just don’t reply at all. I actually think that’s probably the normal way of things at my age, and that if I was with someone I maybe wouldn’t want to be going out with friends every weekend.
I’d love to be the one who is in charge of my own social life, making my own plans for the weekend, rather than relying on others to provide it for me. I know that I should probably be trying to meet new people, as the more people I know, the more chance I may have of finding someone. I just don’t know where to start.
I tried an evening class learning a language. I learnt a few useful phrases but didn’t make any new friends.
I go to a swimming club every week. We just swim.
I’m doing an evening class in a sport. We have the hour long lesson, there’s a bit of small talk during it, then everyone goes home.
I go to a weekly yoga class. A number of us have been going for a few years. We chat before the class then go straight home afterwards.
I am definitely not the sort of person who could ever go to a bar alone on a Saturday night and get talking to random strangers.
The new friends I have made in recent years I have met at work. I don’t know whether I am just not very good at making new friends, whether I’ve chosen the wrong activities, or there just hasn’t been anyone there that I’ve really clicked with on a friendship level.
I think I’m just not good at getting to know any new people full stop.
8 comments:
i totally hear you. i would occasionally be the instigator of plans, but the more people tell you that they're busy with other friends or boyfriends/husbands or whatever, the less motivated you get and then you just stop asking altogether.
i always feel like i'm the person who is always around that will accept your invitation because you and i both know i don't have anything better to do. it's so frustrating.
i recently joined this social networking site, not like a myspace thing, more of an intentional site for people looking to make new friends. it's okay, not great. but it has allowed me to get more in control over my social schedule. and surprisingly, a lot of the people i've met feel the same way-like do i need to wear a sandwich board with "will you be my friend?" written on it? ha.
i also joined two regular volunteer groups and joined a listserv for a singles-specific volunteer group. i haven't gone to any events yet, still trying to find what i want to volunteer for, but i'm hoping it'll be a different way to meet more people.
i would love to meet men, obviously, but at this point, i wouldn't mind meeting some women too who are in the same boat as me, i.e. inexperienced, or just regular single women even. girls need wingwomen too!
I'm pretty much the same way. Most of my friends are married and they are very busy because of it. I don't mind being flexible, but I feel you. I think it's great that you are taking classes, hopefully they are things you are interested in. Too bad nothing has panned out in the social realm there.
you know, the more i read your blog, the more i think that we are quite similar...
i'm generally quite free on weekends too. normally when i do have plans, i have probably done my fair share of asking around to see if anyone is free to do anything.
i take up a solitary sport for fun but that i also have to train for. i go to the gym alone. i swim alone. i've thought of learning a new language or maybe dance but haven't found the time yet though even if i do, i reckon it's gonna be alone.
the problem is 'coz i think i do too many things alone. i think it's hard to find people with the same interests as i do and where our schedules can match.
i'm generally friendly and sociable but i don't always form close friendships. i think most people already have their close friends sorted out by now. and my best friend just happens to be miles away.
so instead i spend loads of time with family. which is all well and good but honestly i would like a more social life outside of family time.
just curious though... do you think that church really doesn't have any "impact" whatsoever on why you're a virgin?
i love weekends like you described! although i love visiting people or having social plans i also love the routine things of life....going to the grocery, picking up the newspaper, etc.
my boyfriend and i have some plans this weekend but im more excited about caulking the bathroom and going to church sunday morning.
although you feel like you need "control" over your social life doesnt it make you feel special that you are getting invited to do all these things...?
have a fantastic weekend!
Anomylous - I do find myself asking friends out less as I kind of know what the answer's likely to be. That said I do still ask as sometimes they surprise me and say yes. The social networking site sounds interesting, especially that people feel the same way - I'm always surprised to find that about other people. I hope you can sort out going to some volunteer group events, if you can find something you'd find interesting and fulfilling to volunteer for then then hopefully you get to meet people with a similar outlook. And as for the wingwomen thing - sounds like something we all should definitely have!
Neverhadaboyfriend - the classes I do are ones I really enjoy and I chose them because I wanted to do them. It's a bonus that they get me out of the house and it's good to see and have a quick chat with people, even if nothing more has developed. I had a vague thought that I might meet new people but it was never the main aim. It really bugs me when single women are advised to take up a hobby, join a club, take a class etc and somehow a man will magically appear. I did all that. He didn't appear! I guess the right people just haven't been at the activities I'm doing.
Jo - we do seem quite similar. I do sometimes wonder if the sports and classes I do are too solitary, if maybe I should try a team sport or something where you have no choice but to interact with people. I often travel to and from swimming with a friend, but once at the pool we don't see each other till the end of the session and there's not really time to talk to others.
And you make a very good point about people having their close friends sorted by now. Though I'm not sure it's close friends I want, I already have a small number of very good ones. I think I'd be happy doing the odd different thing with a couple of new people I enjoyed spending time with so I don't just do the same things withe same people all the time.
I don't really think church has an impact on why I'm still a virgin. I'm not saving myself for marriage (that thought has never even crossed my mind) and while I wouldn't want a one night stand that's just my personality not because of church. I guess men who knew I go to church could form an opinion about my attitude to sex that might affect their attitude to me, but the fact that I go to church isn't the first thing I tell people I meet. I don't hide it, it's just that people tend to find out when I mention it in general conversation e.g. I'll say that I missed a TV show because I was at church. What kind of impact would you think it would have?
Nevergoingbackagain - I do sometimes enjoy weekends like that, if I feel like lazing around, de-stressing and doing not much at all. I just get fed up of having too many of them, Other times I feel I want to go out and do something, or at least do nothing with someone.
You're right, it does sort of make me feel special when I get invited to do things. It reminds me that I do have some good friends who care about me and who do want to spend time with me. I guess it just feels a bit one-way, and that it would be nice to be the inviter sometimes. Thank you for the fantastic weekend wishes. You (and everyone) have a good one too :-)
I tried doing classes, too, in the hopes of making new friends -- not a boyfriend. I just wanted friends to go out with and to have some sort of social life. But, like you, I found that, aside from some small talk, most people went directly home right afterwards.
It's easier to make "friends" at work, because you're stuck with them for five days of the week and you get to know each other...but are they really friends? No. They don't hang out with you after work.
You're still alone.
So...I guess I have the same problem: I don't know how to get to know new people.
And unfortunately, I'm no great beauty that would entice a man to walk over and introduce himself to me.
*sigh*
I have been lucky to make some good friends at work who I now see outside work, but that's partly luck that I clicked with them and partly because I've been working at the same place with quite high staff turnover for so long that I've met quite a lot of people. It did take us a long time to move from being co-workers to being friends though and I've met an awful lot of people who I'd never hang out with outside work, so it's not a terribly effective way of making new friends.
I sometimes feel I'd like a way that's a little less hit and miss, but as you can't force friendships, they just develop naturally, they're are hit and miss by their very nature.
Ah well.
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