Well I decided it was best not to just turn up on T's parents' doorstep. I don't want to cause conflict between her and her mum. I did however take a train up to her town today. I texted her as I set off saying I was on my way and did she want to meet me for a coffee at one of our favourite coffee shops. No reply.
I arrived at the station hoping she might me there to meet me. She wasn't. I phoned her and got her voicemail and left a quick message saying I was headed to the coffee shop if she was free to join me but that it was ok if she couldn't. I almost set my phone not to show my number in the hope that she'd pick up and I'd get to speak to her, but decided that her not answering because she knew it was me was marginally better than her answering then putting the phone down when she realised it was me. I heard nothing from her. I sat in the coffee shop nursing a coffee for just over half an hour, took a slow walk back to the station, then let her know I was off home and that I hoped we could speak soon.
Part of me is wondering whether my voicemail should have been more "emotional", apologising for hurting her, telling her I was missing her and asking if we can sort things out, but I would have felt odd and perhaps a bit needy leaving that as a message. She may of course have been busy, she may be not in the mood for not answering her phone to anybody. But whatever the reason for her lack of response today, the fact remains that I have heard nothing from her since last Monday.
I now have no idea what, if anything, to do next. I have various options spinning around my head, but all have drawbacks.
I could do nothing and just wait for her to be ready to get back in touch with me. This has worked previously when she has been avoiding contact, but those times she wasn't talking to me because of issues going on in her own life. This time she is angry at something I have said so it may be different. Plus I am not sure I can just wait it out.
I could contact her to say I understand she needs time with no contact from me and that I will give her space and am here when she is ready to speak to me again. This still seems a bit open ended.
I could tell her how much I miss her, how I want to be able to talk to her again, to have long, hilarious phone chats with her, that I am sorry, and that I want her friendship. I have though tried this before and I ended up feeling more hurt and getting angry with her because I was still being ignored despite baring all my emotions and telling her how much I cared.
I could be brutal, which is the option I think my friend E would prefer I took. Her take on things was that I have the patience of a saint. I do feel that my patience is wearing a little thin and occasionally this week I have felt like emailing her to tell her how much what she said hurts, how she can't just say that out of the blue then disappear, that if I was using her I would not have stuck by her and supported her through everything that has happened to her over the past year or three, that I am tired of her going AWOL on me every few months, that I find it more and more stressful each time she does it, that I am not unbreakable as she seems to think I am (she always marvels at how strong I seem when there are all sorts of issues going on with my family).
But I worry that that would hurt her and that it seems put all the blame on her. Am I justified in losing patience with her? Should I put some of the blame on myself?
Hopefully she will get back in touch over the next few days. If not I really don't know what to do for the best. And if she does get back in touch I am not sure I can just go back to being friends without discussing what happened. I also might need to tell her that I can't cope with her disappearing regularly. We'll see what this week brings.
6 comments:
So let me get this straight:
You took time out of your busy life, to grab a train to the other side of the town (for dramatic purposes, I will just make believe that it was a 2 hours ride to nowhere), sat down in a cafe and wasted yet another 30 mins of your life....and she's didn't even dignified it even with a text?
The fuck?
Is she still in highschool? You clearly put effort into it, I understand anger but you put effort into it. You showed that you cared and she did nothing. I'm pissed now.
But if she means that much to you....then I guess I would do nothing. You did your part. You make an effort. You showed that you care. Now it is her turn to act like an adult.
Sorry for the rant. I'm pissed now.
i'm sorry that you have to go through this friends issue. i think you should tell her just what you actually think. not necessarily being brutal but just truthful. sounds like she has issues, is high maintainence, attention seeking and manipulative in her emotional blackmail. you have to decide if you do really want a friend like that if each time she pulls a stunt like this leaves you feeling more and more stressed.
Thanks both :)
Constantly Dramatic One - I can't believe she didn't acknowledge me at all, even a text to say she wasn't ready to talk would have been better than being ignored. I sat on the train on the way home thinking it was just plain rude too and I do sort of feel as if I've made the effort and it's now up to her. And she does need to act like an adult, my best friend pointed out her behaviour is childish. The only excuse for ignoring me would be that she is depressed again and is hiding from the world but there have been no signs of that recently, unless she's been hiding it very well.
And feel free to rant. I almost did it myself in this post then decided to rant to myself in my head instead.
Jo - my best friend also used the phrase emotional blackmail. She does have issues and can be hard work, but I have had huge amounts of fun with her, we can talk for hours about everything from the serious to the silly, she does (or did) indicate that she appreciates our friendship, and I do care about her a lot. I need to work out though whether the fun outweighs the stress.
I think I'll give her a bit more time and then try to be honest. Last time this happened I think I made a mistake in not discussing it with her, I just accepted her "I'm sorry" and let it go.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that kind of behaviour from a friend. It makes me wonder whether she is a true friend to you at all. Anyway, I hope everything works out for the best with you and her :).
Just read your old posts on T, and sorry to say, it sounds like SHE used you. Dumping all her emotional baggage on you (wanting to die etc). I think its for your own good that she's out of your life.
Silencio - thank you :)
Belle - I can completely understand how it could look as if she was using my, but I honestly don't think that's the case. We've been friends for 13 years and it's only in the past couple of years that this sort of thing has happened. She was in a bad relationship which messed with her head, then had serious work problems and ended up clinically depressed. Hard as it was dealing with her telling me she wanted to die, she really did feel that way and I'm glad she talked about it instead of doing something silly.
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