End of a Friendship

It's over. My friendship with T is over.

As it turned out, I couldn't wait until after our holiday to end it. Following our exchange of texts after she had declared that she needed to be inconsiderate, I retreated from her a little. I was hurt by the things she had texted me, and wasn't in the right frame of mind to converse with her about day to day life in the way we usually would. My plan, such as it was, was to be in contact to sort out practical things about the holiday, but to not get drawn into discussions about things like who hurt who. I would then go on holiday with her, we would presumably both act as if nothing was wrong, in the same way we had on the Saturday we spent together, and after the holiday, I would tell her I couldn't continue the friendship.

Then she sent a text saying she wanted to sort things out between us, but that we could only do so if I acknowledged that I had been inconsiderate and thoughtless. And what were some of these inconsiderate and thoughtless things I had done? Telling her that I could only afford to go to one concert on a particular singer's tour, when she wanted to go to more. Not thanking her for a sympathy card she sent me when my grandma died earlier this year. She also accused me of failing to let her know that I was on my way to meet her for a concert after I had spent the weekend at a friend's wedding. She said she shouldn't have had to sit around waiting to hear from me, and shouldn't have had to text me in the afternoon to find out where I was. She didn't actually have to do either. I checked my phone and I still had the text I sent her in the morning telling her I was on my way.

I had a text saying she hoped we could find a way to meet in the middle. She said she knew she'd handled the situation badly, was sorry for that and wanted to sort things out. Then she said she was happy to apologise but that I had to too.

It became clear that only having contact about practical holiday plans wasn't going to be possible. It would have felt very wrong and dishonest to me to reply to her texts about fixing the friendship with texts about what restaurants we should eat in. And even if I had tried to do that she would surely have continued to text about trying to resolve things. I don't know quite how that would have ended up.

She wanted to fix things. I didn't. She was demanding apologies. I couldn't start apologising for all sorts of things that I didn't feel were wrong, just to appease her, and to make things ok for the holiday. The situation was tearing me apart. I realised I couldn't go on holiday with her and pretend nothing was wrong, while knowing that on our return I would be ending the friendship.  

So I composed the hardest email I have ever written. I told her I could no longer cope with her repeatedly telling me I am a bad friend. I told her that I couldn't handle her getting angry with me over something trivial and ignoring me for weeks instead of just talking to me. I told her that I wasn't strong enough to keep trying to act as her therapist. I told her that I couldn't keep saying the same things to her over and over again and see them have no effect whatsoever. I told her that I needed to have other friends and couldn't cope with her seemingly having a problem with that. And then I pressed send.

Her reply was lengthy. She told me about other issues she has with me. She tried to give reasons for some of her behaviour. She mentioned her depression. She asked me to meet her halfway. She asked to talk. She didn't apologise for all the times she has ignored me for weeks. She didn't apologise for losing her temper with me over and over again. And perhaps most significantly she didn't say that she planned to get professional help for her depression and self esteem issues. That confirmed by decision. If she wasn't going to make a serious effort to resolve her issues I just couldn't remain friends with her. I had to protect my own sanity.

I miss the fun times. I miss texts and emails about everyday life. I don't miss everything else.