Okay, so the first thing that I’ve been thinking about recently is how bad I am at reading signals that mean a man might be interested. I just can’t tell when someone might be attracted to me. I hear other women mention that a guy (who hasn’t asked them out) likes them and I don’t have a clue how they know (if anyone out there has the answer please do tell).
My cluelessness in this area has often resulted in me finding myself in one of two situations: the first is that if I like someone I spend many, many hours analysing every little thing he says and does, trying to work out if any of them are “signals” that he likes me.
The second is that if I’m not interested in someone and he says or does something which possibly, tenuously, if the planets were aligned in exactly the right way and there was a blue moon, might be a signal, I tend to worry that he is most definitely interested and start panicking a little about how to ensure he doesn’t get the wrong idea and try something.
The first situation I think I am unlikely to find myself in again after the whole “A” saga. I hope that I’ve learned not to waste that much time and energy on analysing and wondering again. A few weeks or a month or two maybe, to give me time to try to give my own signals and him time to get over any lack of confidence and to get round to asking me out, but a year? Never again, I hope.
The second situation is one which, whenever I find myself in it, makes me feel as if I haven’t progressed much beyond my teens. I have a work colleague who I am in exactly that situation with at the moment. He hasn’t done much at all. He used a social networking site to virtually “smile” at me, in secret, so none of my other friends could see, and he replied to a couple of emails I sent to the whole department about Christmas-related things in a slightly too friendly sort of way, considering we’re not friends (or so it seemed to me).
I’m now worried that he’s interested and that he might try to do something radical like ask me out or something. Of course that leads to the worry that I wouldn’t know how to handle that. How do you turn someone down without hurting their feelings?
I am well aware that I am putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 105 here, and that I’m jumping to conclusions that aren’t actually there. In all probability he's just being friendly. Really, at my age I should have learnt to be a little more rational, and I certainly should have got past panicking because I suspect someone might like me.
Maybe it’s another just another thing I do because it’s “safe”, similar to liking unavailable men, which Ecrivain talked about in this post. Maybe I don’t see the signals from the men I’m interested in because if I don’t realise they like me it’s not going to go anywhere. And maybe I notice very minor signals (or see signals where there aren’t really any) from men I’m not interested in because even if I think they like me it’s not going to go anywhere.
4 comments:
sometimes i can somewhat kinda guess that maybe possibly the guy is sorta interested. and the situation you described bout your work colleague would be a situation where i would think that he could be interested.
though if i was totally utterly uninterested, i would just try not to be too friendly. but would there be any possbility whatsoever with you and work colleague?
but i guess i kinda just go back to the thinking where if the guy likes you enough, he'll ask you out. so which basically means that i don't think too many guys like me all that much, or just can't sustain any possible liking for long...
I am definitely completely uninterested in him. He's ok as a colleague-he's polite and sort of has a sense of humour, but I'm not attracted to him at all, physically or otherwise. I just don't find him particularly interesting really. Luckily I don't see him or speak to him that often, and when I have done I've tried not to be too friendly.
And I've realised recently that "if he likes you enough, he'll ask you out" is probably true of most men, which for me means that most men just don't like me. That's a depressing thought, but at least it saves me wasting time pining after someone who isn't interested.
The whole hit and miss-ness of meeting men makes me wonder whether I should try a dating agency again, and have someone find a man for me. Maybe there are men out there who would like us a lot, they just work somewhere else, drink in a different bar, go to a different evening class.
More than a few times, I've picked up this vibe that maybe someone likes me -- but then, like you, I wonder if I've misread the signals. In my case, I start thinking that I might possibly be the most delusional person around.
Anyways...for your colleague, this is what I would do...which I've actually done with my own colleague: deliberately misread the signals, be aloof sometimes and lay off talking to him/e-mailing him/being friendly towards him and keeping things strictly professional. That usually does the trick.
If it crosses over into uncomfortable territory, like compliments and the suggestion of hanging out sometime, jokingly say something like, "I don't like any of you at work enough to want to spend more time with you than I have to." (And then laugh. Don't forget to laugh to take the edge off.)
Jo's right -- try not to be too friendly. I'm really good at the Ice Queen thing.
Ecrivain - thanks for the advice. I've not responded to his emails or the social networking thing (mainly through panic I think) and will ignore any others.
I'm not sure how well I can do aloof - I tend to be fairly friendly to most people at work and worry about coming across as rude, but will give it a go. Hopefully being concious that I really don't want to seem too friendly will mean I'm naturally not.
I don't think there's too much chance of him going any further, unless I'm very encouraging, as I don't think he's particularly confident with women, but will definitely keep in mind your suggested reponse (not forgetting the laugh) just in case.
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