Say I have plans to go to a friend's hen/bachelorette party at the weekend. And say those plans fall through because my friend has been having trouble organising the party. I am then free that weekend and have no plans.
Say another friend then suggests going out with her somewhere. And say I tell her I'm free the weekend of the non-hen party. Does the fact that I originally had other plans for that weekend make this friend second best? If I am free and able to meet her does it matter why I am free that weekend?
If I have plans which fall through I am supposed to never make any other plans for that day/evening/weekend in case the person I do them with might think they are second best?
T finally decided to get counselling. I was so proud of her for taking that step and so pleased that she might finally start feeling better about herself and gain some self esteem. From what she told me it all seemed to be going ok. It sounded tough and emotional, but as if she was working through issue. But then when I asked about it a few weeks ago she told me she'd stopped going as she thought the counsellor was just being nosey. She ignored my enquiry about whether she would be able to see a different counsellor. She's been mainly ok in recent months. I'm not sure she's going to continue that way.
9 comments:
Um no. It doesn't matter. In my opinion, a hen night would be a priority. I might even have broken other plans to participate in the hen night.
I don't really understand how "second best" comes into it. I would feel ridiculous for being resentful about hanging out with a friend whose former plans fell through. Life happens. I take whatever chances I can get to hang out with the people I value most.
That's exactly what I thought about the hen night, that it's only going to happen (hopefully) once in my friend's life and that I should prioritise being there.
Turns out "second best" wasn't the main problem (though was a problem, which I will never understand. As you say, life happens, and if I get an unexpected chance to hang out with someone I care about I take it). I think the problem is that I was going to the hen night in the first place, instead of possibly doing something for her birthday (which isn't for another week), yet she hadn't ever mentioned that she might want to do something that day...because she thought it was pointless asking because she's convinced I wouldn't want to do anything.
She thinks I treat her as a "filler" when I have nothing better to do and that I only agree to do things with her because I feel obliged (which is nonsense)She has a real thing about not wanting people to do things with her out of obligation, I guess because she has zero self esteem and and thinks nobody would spent time with her out of choice.
Besides taking into consideration the rarity of a bachelorette night, it should be pointed out that "first come, first served". Said friend did not ask first. Perhaps she might be encouraged to plan things further in advance?
I think the issue isn't really self esteem. I think the problem is that she spends far too much time thinking about herself and nowhere near enough thinking about others.
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Honestly, that's not your problem. One the one hand, she doesn't want to be a "filler" but on the other hand, she doesn't want people to feel obligated to hang out with her. That doesn't make any sense. Does she want her friends to spend time with her or not? If she really does get upset with it again, you should point out the hypocrisy of the situation. Why should you have to deal with her externalized insecurities?
Thank you for the comments 30sv and G/W, I haven't checked my blog in a few weeks so sorry for the late reply.
30sv - exactly, first come first served, is how things tend to work with making arrangement with my friends. There's been plenty of times when T has "asked first" and we've made plans quite a way in advance, and I've then turned down an invite from another friend for that day/weekend, but her "I have no friends and nobody likes me" mentality seems to make her forget that.
She does have major self esteem issues, but also has a very set (probably quite perfectionist and not really achievable) idea of what a friend/friendship is supposed to be like and she spends too much time focusing on the fact that she isn't getting this perfect friendship.
You're right G/W, it doesn't make sense. She apparently wants to spend time with me, but only in certain scenarios. She can't complain that she never does anything and spends her weekends sitting home alone, and then refuse an invite because it doesn't fit her perfect scenario of how plans should be made.
I do need to try not to get into emotional discussions/arguments with her about it, or I just end up getting sucked into worrying that I am in the wrong. If she complains that she spends all her weekend alone I need to point out that she does in fact spend quite a lot with me, if she complains that she has no life I need to point out the various things we've done over the past year, if she complains that everyone else gets to do wonderful exciting things on their birthdays I need to point out that lots of people don't. And then I need to just leave it, and not get drawn into a discussion.
I think you're being a little too involved with your friend. All your blog posts are about her and not you. We want to know more about you not your unstable friend.
Like really it seems like you dont even have a life.
Talk about your achievements, however small they are. Blog about something funny. But no, your blog posts are always about T and her never ending woes.
It very sad, really.
Anonymous - thank you for the comment, I'm entirely sure how to respond. What I am sure of though, is that one of the main reasons I blog is as therapy, so I have an outlet for feelings and thoughts that might otherwise get bottled up and not spoken about and affect my mental well being.
This means that I will write about whatever is on my mind at a particular time, be it my virginity, internet dating, my lack of boyfriend, or my friends.
I know I've written a few posts about T, but that's because she is someone I care about and also someone who at times causes me stress worry. Writing about her here is stress relief for me, and also means I get much appreciated advice and thoughts on the situation from readers.
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