Nothing to update on the dating front since my last post. Towards the end of last year e-harmony started emailing me again out of the blue to tell me about my new matches, and to invite me to rejoin. Last year was so busy, for the most part with memorable, sometimes unforgettable, times with friends, that I didn't have the time to trawl through online dating matches. I also didn't really have much time to feel alone and boyfriendless as I had so much to do.
The whole checking matches, replying to them, arranging a date process seems so scary to me that I think I need the push of feeling alone to make me do it. This year will I think be a little less busy, so may have some alone moments to push me into perhaps rejoining e-harmony, or trying something else. We'll see.
As for the T situation, she sent me a text at the end of last year telling me to remember that when she has one of her downers/meltdowns in 2013 (which she is convinced she will) she means none of it and that I am very important to her. So progress of sorts there, as she does realise that the things she says hurt and acknowledges that they're not the truth.
At the moment I am having to deal with a household situation that I am very unsure how to handle. We had a new female housemate move in at the end of last summer. Not long after she moved in my other female housemate (I'll call her extrovert) and I started occasionally noticing what seemed to be traces of vomit in and sometimes around the toilet bowl. This has kept happening. and Extrovert and I have been cleaning it up. Also, we almost never see the new housemate eating. When I say almost never, I have seen her eat once, a bowl of soup in a restaurant when went out for Extrovert's birthday. Extrovert saw her eat on a second occasion, when Extrovert cooked both of them dinner, not long after new housemate moved in.
New housemate leaves the house before 7am on workdays and usually doesn't get home until 10.30 -11pm or later. She goes to the gym daily before and after work. All of this made us suspect that New Housemate might have bulimia. We had occasional discussions about what, if anything, we should do about it. We were worried about New Housemate's health, and were also getting a little fed up of cleaning up her vomit, so partly wanted to talk to her about it. However as she is hardly ever home we felt we don't actually know her very well, and talking to her could have been difficult.
Eventually a few weeks ago we decided to speak to her. We planned what we would say to start the conversation, we thought out possible reactions from her and prepared our responses to those reactions. We full expected her to deny she has a problem and to get angry with us. In actual fact, to cut a long story short, she admitted that she has bulimia, which felt like a huge step for her. It turns out we are the first people she has told. We encouraged her to see a doctor, and to get help, but made no demands, did not try to force her to get help, and didn't tell her to stop making herself sick. She said she felt very bad, and embarrassed, that we had had to clean up after her.
A few days ago, Extrovert and I, when putting rubbish bags into our outside bin, both noticed what appeared to be vomit on the inside of the bin. We immediately wondered if New Housemate had put a bag of vomit in the bin and it had split.
Yesterday we decided to clean the bin as we just couldn't leave it with vomit in it for the refuse collectors to face. When we opened it to take out the rubbish before cleaning it, we found a large tote bag full of plastic bags of what can only have been vomit, along with various empty food packets. We then spent the next two hours triple-bagging the vomit filled bag and washing and scrubbing the bin clean of sick. I'm not usually squeamish about cleaning mess, dirt, filth, bodily fluids etc but both Extrovert and I agreed that this was probably the most disgusting thing either of us had ever had to do. Certainly neither of us ever want to have to do it again.
I wonder whether she felt so bad about us cleaning up in the bathroom that she thought she'd avoid vomiting in there? Or perhaps she didn't want us to know that she was still vomiting? Or was trying to hide the extent of it? Extrovert sent her a text on Friday, with no mention of the bin, saying that we understand that it's going to be a slow process for her to get better, and that if she still does feel the urge, then the toilet is the most hygienic place to vomit. I really hope she will get the message and not use anywhere else. I understand that she is ill, and that she can't help needing to purge, but at the same time, it doesn't seem fair on me or Extrovert that we have to deal with cleaning up after her. We are undecided whether we ought to mention to her that we cleaned out the bin, and why.
We are trying to help and support her and trying to be understanding, and have said we are happy to listen if she ever wants to talk to us, but I have no idea whether we are handling this in the right way. If we find vomit in the bin again I suspect that we might rapidly lose understanding. I'm not a doctor, or a counsellor or in any way qualified. It feels selfish to say so, but I don't want to come home from work and have to deal with this. When I'm not at work I want to be able to relax and de-stress, not worry and stress about this situation. She has apparently made an appointment to see a doctor, so I really hope that starts the process of recovery for her.
3 comments:
I have no expertise in how to go about this issue either, but I found this page in a Google search.
Also, is there a free or low-cost clinic or local support line that you could call to get guidance on how to help your housemate?
Good luck to you in helping your housemate. It's a tough situation but from what I've read it seems like you're doing a good job in doing as much as you can.
You and Extrovert are much kinder than I am. I can barely deal with my own vomit, much less someone else's. That is very selfish of her to leave you to clean up her mess.
Dienna - thank you for the link. I have done a fair bit of googling, but not found that particular page. The summing up of advice seems pretty good, and I think I will need to keep referring back to it at times when we feel "stuck" with what to do next.
There is an eating disorders clinic in our city, and as we're in the UK it is and NHS one and thus free. It does need a referral from a GP though, so I really hope our housemate has made an appointment and does attend it. Part of me worries that she told us that she has an appointment so we don't mention it again. I think the clinic also does advice for friends/families of people with eating disorders, so if we feel totally lost in how to deal with it,I might call them and see if I can get advice even if our housemate isn't a patient there.
Aritul - Poor Extrovert doesn't deal with vomit very well either so it was hard for her to do. It does seem selfish, but at the same time it is an illness which can't be cured overnight. Extrovert did speak to her briefly last night and reiterate the request to use the toilet, telling her that we'd had to clean the bin.
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