Decision Made

In the past couple of days I have come to the decision that my friendship with T cannot continue. Or at least it cannot continue after the holiday we have coming up together in April.

A few weeks ago I was away from work for a few days when it was announced that tickets for a tour T really wanted to go to were going on sale. She texted me some dates and asked if I could make them. I replied that I wasn't sure if I'd be able to take leave from work for those dates, and as I wasn't at work couldn't check before the tickets went on sale. She replied saying not to bother, she'd just sort her tickets out and I could please myself as usual.

Over the next few days a few texts went between us about general things, no mention was made of the tickets. She sent a couple of texts telling me she felt odd, had done a few things that were out of character (nothing awful, just things like buying clothes in a colour she hates) and didn't like how she felt. I texted saying if she felt any worse to please consider getting help. Her reply said she thinks you can only get help if you have someone you can truly rely and depend on and she doesn't have that. She wants to get sorted but can't do it alone. I tried to remind her that she has me, but she then proceeded to ignore me for the next week and a half (bar one text saying remember I love you). I sent a few texts, a couple of emails and tried to phone her 3 or 4 times but got no answer.

When she did get back in touch it was with abrupt texts about practical arrangements for a show we were due to see last Saturday. I met her on Saturday before the show and went to hug her. She pulled away and said she didn't want a hug. I asked if she was okay and she snapped "I'm fine" in a way that suggested she definitely wasn't. I said she didn't seem fine and hadn't seemed fine for the past couple of weeks but she insisted she was. She then spent the rest of the day and evening chatting away about all sorts of random things as if nothing was wrong.

Yesterday afternoon she sent a text telling me that she wasn't going to do one of the day trips we'd planned to do on our upcoming holiday so I could go ahead and book for just me to do it. When I queried why she said she thought it was about time she started being inconsiderate as well. Today she has texted to tell me that I treat her like one of my staff, and not like a friend, and that the move to my new job is the worst thing I have ever done as I am no longer the lovely Katya she loves. She told me that I have hurt her so many times ( I was very tempted to reply that she has hurt me multiple times too) and that I have have her feel that we're no longer close enough for her to talk to me about any of this.

Yesterday I was coming to the conclusion that I have to tell her she must get help for her lack of self esteem, and that if she wouldn't I would have to distance myself from her. I have spoken to my best friend and to my housemate Extrovert and both said the same. Both also said T is manipulating me (something I know readers have suggested in the past as has another friend of mine).

Today I have looked through old emails from her and realised that she first mentioned depression and self esteem issues back in 2008. She has been on anti-depressants a few times over the years, and has started having counselling twice but abandoned it each time. I fear that even if she did get professional help this time I would always be waiting for the moment when she gave up on it and reverted back to treating me this way.

As I said we have a holiday together booked for April which we were both really looking forward to. It's a place she loves and has been keen to go back to for ages, I have been getting quite excited about going too. On Saturday we were talking about it as if it is still going to happen.

If we can both just act like we did on Saturday and pretend that nothing is wrong then I think maybe it can still work. From a practical point of view (i.e. the holiday is paid for and can't be cancelled and we can't afford to just not go and lose the money) I think that is what needs to happen.

After the holiday though I have to think of my own sanity. I have to tell her I can no longer cope with her repeatedly telling me I am a bad friend. I can't handle her getting angry with me over something trivial and ignoring me for weeks instead of just talking to me. I'm not strong enough to keep trying to act as her therapist. I can't keep saying the same things to her over and over again and see them have no effect whatsoever.