Now I have a text message from eHarmony guy to reply to. He texted Tuesday to ask how a sponsored swim I did at the weekend went. I was busy Tuesday evening and didn't get around to replying. I thought that might give him a signal that I wasn't really interested but then yesterday evening while I was out with friends he texted to ask how I was and whether I wanted to meet up again.
I am struggling to know how to respond. I don't want to meet him again, but am not sure how to put that politely. I also don't know whether I need to, or should, explain why not. I suppost I could just say I didn't feel there was any chemistry between us, but it sounds a bit like a scripted answer, the sort that eHarmony uses (or used to, they don't seem to want a reason anymore when closing matches).
Friday, 28 May 2010
Thursday, 27 May 2010
Left behind yet again
That guy I mentioned a few posts back who was flirting with my friend T? He is now officially her boyfriend. So again, I am the odd one out, the only single person among my female friends. I spoke to her earlier and she says today is the happiest day of her life and she can't stop smiling. And that is great, I love her to bits and she deserves some happiness after a tough last year or two.
But it makes me dwell even more on what the hell is wrong with me that I have reached my age without having a boyfriend. T has known this guy for about a month. He has worked in her office for a couple of weeks and been flirting with her for a little less than that. She is not the type of woman who goes from guy to guy and is never single, far from it in fact. She is not very confident with men and has, to my knowledge, had 3 relationships. But she does at least attract men, which is more than I do apparently.
None of the guys I contacted on eHarmony have responded and nobody has contacted me. I've just been on the site a fired off more questions to a few more guys. I don't know what else I can do. I'm trying, I signed up for online dating, I'm contacting guys, but it's not getting me anywhere.
But it makes me dwell even more on what the hell is wrong with me that I have reached my age without having a boyfriend. T has known this guy for about a month. He has worked in her office for a couple of weeks and been flirting with her for a little less than that. She is not the type of woman who goes from guy to guy and is never single, far from it in fact. She is not very confident with men and has, to my knowledge, had 3 relationships. But she does at least attract men, which is more than I do apparently.
None of the guys I contacted on eHarmony have responded and nobody has contacted me. I've just been on the site a fired off more questions to a few more guys. I don't know what else I can do. I'm trying, I signed up for online dating, I'm contacting guys, but it's not getting me anywhere.
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
Not great, but ok
Thank you to everyone for all the advice and encouragement. My worries about the date seemed so silly, so it was a help to know that I'm not the only grown woman concerned about things such as whether she might be a bad kisser.
Anyway, onto the date. I've pretty much summed it up in the title. I wouldn't describe it as a great date, but it was ok, and certainly better than the other two dates I've been on in my life.
I arrived early at the pub and was queuing to buy myself a drink at the bar when I recognised him walking past the window. He didn't however come in straight away (he later said he had walked round the block so he wasn't too early) so I bought myself a drink. I have no idea if that's the done thing on a date, but when I arrive at a pub or bar first when meeting friends, I always buy myself a drink before sitting down. My friends would do the same. None of us would just sit down and wait, so I guess I just did what felt comfortable and natural to me. He walked in as I looking for somewhere to sit. He got himself a drink and we sat down.
And so the date proper...I didn't feel quite as nervous as I thought I would. We managed to keep the conversation going with not too many awkward silences. I learned a bit about him, and he learned a bit about me. There was some laughter, and we chatted a little about an interest we have in common. I didn't hate it and I didn't hate him.
However, I don't think I liked him either, not in the way I would need to go on and have further dates with him. A few times during the evening I found myself not very interested in what he was saying (I feel a bit mean saying that, as I'm sure he found me boring at times too). I'm not sure that I felt any spark, or chemistry, or whatever you want to call it. Although as I've not felt it ever before I wouldn't know what it felt like, but I'm sure I would have known if it had been there. There were a couple of quite negative comments he made about other people which weren't really something you would say to someone you were trying to make a good impression with.
One thing which didn't impress me at all was something he said about his job, which suggested he doesn't work all the hours he is paid for, and has not been doing so for some time. He seemed to be sort of proud of it and said his boss doesn't know about it. Now I'm not a workaholic and work is not by any means the most important thing in my life, but I am fairly conscientious at work, and this attitude just didn't seem "right" to me.
He offered to buy another drink at 10pm, but as I have to get up quite early for work I declined. I suspect that had I felt there was a possibility that I would want to see him again, I would have accepted. There was no kiss, not even a hug. I certainly didn't feel that I wanted to kiss or hug him, and I guess either he felt the same, or I was giving off "I don't want you to touch me" vibes.
Today, thinking back to last night, I realise that I have no particular urge to see him again, or to get to know him better, which I suppose may be an indication the chemistry wasn't there. Despite that, it was good to go on a date, to get over that hurdle of my first date in years, and to have it be not a complete disaster. It was certainly a good idea to meet him sooner rather than later. I will keep plugging away with eHarmony for the moment and see where it takes me.
Anyway, onto the date. I've pretty much summed it up in the title. I wouldn't describe it as a great date, but it was ok, and certainly better than the other two dates I've been on in my life.
I arrived early at the pub and was queuing to buy myself a drink at the bar when I recognised him walking past the window. He didn't however come in straight away (he later said he had walked round the block so he wasn't too early) so I bought myself a drink. I have no idea if that's the done thing on a date, but when I arrive at a pub or bar first when meeting friends, I always buy myself a drink before sitting down. My friends would do the same. None of us would just sit down and wait, so I guess I just did what felt comfortable and natural to me. He walked in as I looking for somewhere to sit. He got himself a drink and we sat down.
And so the date proper...I didn't feel quite as nervous as I thought I would. We managed to keep the conversation going with not too many awkward silences. I learned a bit about him, and he learned a bit about me. There was some laughter, and we chatted a little about an interest we have in common. I didn't hate it and I didn't hate him.
However, I don't think I liked him either, not in the way I would need to go on and have further dates with him. A few times during the evening I found myself not very interested in what he was saying (I feel a bit mean saying that, as I'm sure he found me boring at times too). I'm not sure that I felt any spark, or chemistry, or whatever you want to call it. Although as I've not felt it ever before I wouldn't know what it felt like, but I'm sure I would have known if it had been there. There were a couple of quite negative comments he made about other people which weren't really something you would say to someone you were trying to make a good impression with.
One thing which didn't impress me at all was something he said about his job, which suggested he doesn't work all the hours he is paid for, and has not been doing so for some time. He seemed to be sort of proud of it and said his boss doesn't know about it. Now I'm not a workaholic and work is not by any means the most important thing in my life, but I am fairly conscientious at work, and this attitude just didn't seem "right" to me.
He offered to buy another drink at 10pm, but as I have to get up quite early for work I declined. I suspect that had I felt there was a possibility that I would want to see him again, I would have accepted. There was no kiss, not even a hug. I certainly didn't feel that I wanted to kiss or hug him, and I guess either he felt the same, or I was giving off "I don't want you to touch me" vibes.
Today, thinking back to last night, I realise that I have no particular urge to see him again, or to get to know him better, which I suppose may be an indication the chemistry wasn't there. Despite that, it was good to go on a date, to get over that hurdle of my first date in years, and to have it be not a complete disaster. It was certainly a good idea to meet him sooner rather than later. I will keep plugging away with eHarmony for the moment and see where it takes me.
Monday, 17 May 2010
OK, now I'm panicking
I've just made the mistake of googling for advice on first dates, and have found all sorts of articles about kissing at the end of the date. I'm sure I will manage to converse with him in some way, I think I can seem interesting, I may even be able to make him laugh, but I have no idea how to kiss and am utterly convinced that if it happens I will screw it up. And therefore I am now dreading the end of the date.
And what's with all the online advice which says that you really must kiss on the first date, and if you don't then it means there was no chemistry, or you don't like each other? Is there something wrong with wanting to spend more than a couple of hours with someone before kissing them?
I hate being a 35 year old woman with the relationship and dating experience of a teenager.
And what's with all the online advice which says that you really must kiss on the first date, and if you don't then it means there was no chemistry, or you don't like each other? Is there something wrong with wanting to spend more than a couple of hours with someone before kissing them?
I hate being a 35 year old woman with the relationship and dating experience of a teenager.
Sunday, 16 May 2010
Why does this not seem real?
The date appears to still be going ahead on Tuesday, but I've gone from panic last week, to feeling sort of calm. I think it's been so long since I went on a date that it doesn't seem real or possible that I'm going on one.
I decided that on safety grounds, as I will be getting to the date by public transport, I should probably make it in my city so I am somewhere I know and will know all the options for getting home. I asked if he was okay coming here and said I could find us somewhere for dinner or a drink. He's replied that it would be good to "meet for a drink" on Tuesday, which is a little annoying as I was banking on being able to eat to fill any awkward silences. I guess maybe he doesn't want to commit to a full on dinner in case we don't get on, or things go badly?
He did suggest a venue, or rather a particular street in the city, which is known for good, fairly stylish, bars and restaurants, so he gets plus points for that. I will probably eat something small before going out, and if we're getting on I can always suggest that we grab some dinner. He's given me his email address in case I prefer to communicate that way. I've just emailed him and let know what time I can make it on Tuesday.
I am pretty sure that at some point before Tuesday it will all seem scarily real and I will panic again, but I know I will need to relax and try not to put too much pressure on myself to have a "successful" date. I did go into eharmony earlier and send off some initial questions to a few other interesting sounding guys. I don't want to be putting all my efforts and focus on this one, in case it doesn't go well.
I decided that on safety grounds, as I will be getting to the date by public transport, I should probably make it in my city so I am somewhere I know and will know all the options for getting home. I asked if he was okay coming here and said I could find us somewhere for dinner or a drink. He's replied that it would be good to "meet for a drink" on Tuesday, which is a little annoying as I was banking on being able to eat to fill any awkward silences. I guess maybe he doesn't want to commit to a full on dinner in case we don't get on, or things go badly?
He did suggest a venue, or rather a particular street in the city, which is known for good, fairly stylish, bars and restaurants, so he gets plus points for that. I will probably eat something small before going out, and if we're getting on I can always suggest that we grab some dinner. He's given me his email address in case I prefer to communicate that way. I've just emailed him and let know what time I can make it on Tuesday.
I am pretty sure that at some point before Tuesday it will all seem scarily real and I will panic again, but I know I will need to relax and try not to put too much pressure on myself to have a "successful" date. I did go into eharmony earlier and send off some initial questions to a few other interesting sounding guys. I don't want to be putting all my efforts and focus on this one, in case it doesn't go well.
Thursday, 13 May 2010
Yes, I'm single, no I'm not dating
First things first, the latest with the guy from eharmony. I mailed him when I got back from my weekend away and suggested some evenings when I am free to meet. He replied last night and is busy this weekend, but can do next Tuesday.
Which means I may have a date next Tuesday. Crap. I've only been on two dates in my life and neither was a success. I have too many things to think about, too many decisions to make. He asked where I want to meet. He lives in a town about a 15 minute train ride from my city, so I need to decide whether we meet here or there. If here, I have no idea where we would go. I don't eat out here very often so don't know the best places to go, and the only pubs and bars I know I risk bumping into people I know. So there may be easier.
And what does one wear on a midweek date? Hell, what does one wear on a date full stop? I'm a casual, jeans and a t-shirt or jumper or hoodie kind of girl. Do I stick with jeans but dress up my top half? Do I dress up my top and bottom halves?
If he doesn't suggest what we could do, what should I suggest? Dinner? Or is it too presumptuous to assume he'll want to spend money on dinner, even just his own? If we do go to dinner, do I pay for myself? With female friends I pretty much always do, with male friends I always try to, but the offer is sometimes refused. Should I get out my money when the bill comes and see what he says? I'm sure there will be more questions before Tuesday.
Away from date stress, I had a great weekend at the wedding. It was lovely to be in a different part of the country for a few days and to see friends, the wedding service was lovely, I ate well at the wedding breakfast (and for the rest of the weekend), I danced lots and may have drunk a little too much.
The only downside was a couple of queries about my relationship status. One was from a female ex-colleague who asked "are you single?" over dinner with the girls on the Friday evening. I said yes, still single and tried to laugh it off, mumbling something about working with mostly women and unattractive men. There was a bit of an awkward silence and in truth I felt quite embarrassed to be having to tell her that I was still single. She's never known me to be anything else. On the evening of the wedding, during the disco, a male ex-colleague asked if I was seeing anyone and again I had to say no, and wondered if he thought I was a freak, or a lesbian.
I did feel a bit down on my way home. I had said goodbye to the bride and groom the day after the wedding and they were off on honeymoon together. The colleague who asked if I was single drove home to her husband and children. E and A took me to the station to catch my train, and then went off together. And I travelled home alone and came back to an empty house.
A busy time at work has taken my mind off things since, until today. It seems T has a guy a work who has been flirting with her and may be interested in her. She says she's smiled more today than she has in months. I'm happy for her but I am also wondering how this is happening for her a couple of months after starting the job and only a week or two after meeting him. I've been in my new job well over a year and nothing, nobody. Yes I know it is a terribly cliched way for an eternally single person to feel but I can't help it.
Which means I may have a date next Tuesday. Crap. I've only been on two dates in my life and neither was a success. I have too many things to think about, too many decisions to make. He asked where I want to meet. He lives in a town about a 15 minute train ride from my city, so I need to decide whether we meet here or there. If here, I have no idea where we would go. I don't eat out here very often so don't know the best places to go, and the only pubs and bars I know I risk bumping into people I know. So there may be easier.
And what does one wear on a midweek date? Hell, what does one wear on a date full stop? I'm a casual, jeans and a t-shirt or jumper or hoodie kind of girl. Do I stick with jeans but dress up my top half? Do I dress up my top and bottom halves?
If he doesn't suggest what we could do, what should I suggest? Dinner? Or is it too presumptuous to assume he'll want to spend money on dinner, even just his own? If we do go to dinner, do I pay for myself? With female friends I pretty much always do, with male friends I always try to, but the offer is sometimes refused. Should I get out my money when the bill comes and see what he says? I'm sure there will be more questions before Tuesday.
Away from date stress, I had a great weekend at the wedding. It was lovely to be in a different part of the country for a few days and to see friends, the wedding service was lovely, I ate well at the wedding breakfast (and for the rest of the weekend), I danced lots and may have drunk a little too much.
The only downside was a couple of queries about my relationship status. One was from a female ex-colleague who asked "are you single?" over dinner with the girls on the Friday evening. I said yes, still single and tried to laugh it off, mumbling something about working with mostly women and unattractive men. There was a bit of an awkward silence and in truth I felt quite embarrassed to be having to tell her that I was still single. She's never known me to be anything else. On the evening of the wedding, during the disco, a male ex-colleague asked if I was seeing anyone and again I had to say no, and wondered if he thought I was a freak, or a lesbian.
I did feel a bit down on my way home. I had said goodbye to the bride and groom the day after the wedding and they were off on honeymoon together. The colleague who asked if I was single drove home to her husband and children. E and A took me to the station to catch my train, and then went off together. And I travelled home alone and came back to an empty house.
A busy time at work has taken my mind off things since, until today. It seems T has a guy a work who has been flirting with her and may be interested in her. She says she's smiled more today than she has in months. I'm happy for her but I am also wondering how this is happening for her a couple of months after starting the job and only a week or two after meeting him. I've been in my new job well over a year and nothing, nobody. Yes I know it is a terribly cliched way for an eternally single person to feel but I can't help it.
Saturday, 1 May 2010
Nothing to report
No news on the e-harmony front I'm afraid. I emailed him on the same day as my last blog post, he replied the next day. I'd mentioned that life was a bit busy at the moment but that it would be good to meet, he said that things were hectic for him too but he'd like to meet. So far so good.
I was away visiting my best friend last weekend, and he was out of the country. I meant to email him early this week, but have had a ridiculously busy time at work and haven't really been in in the right mood. I've turned on my laptop in the evenings but have tended to only have the energy to stare at the screen, rather than come up with something to write. I finally replied to him last night.
I feel bad for taking so long to do so, and part of me is thinking that I'm deliberately avoiding emailing so as to push a possible meeting further into the future. I know that is probably the worst thing I can do. I just need to arrange a date and get it over and done with. It can't be as bad as I am imagining, and once I've been on one date, hopefully my fear and nervousness will subside a little. I am away next weekend, but have told him that I am free the weekend after and also have some free evenings this week and next.
I'm still having fun with friends. My best friend and I went out to the big city last weekend, just the two of us, without her husband and children. We used to do that a fair bit when she was single, and it was long overdue. We both had great fun. E and A visited today and we did some exploring of the local area. I'm off to a wedding next weekend, which should be fun, but is also likely to remind me of my lack of relationship as I'll be one of the only guest without a "plus one".
I was away visiting my best friend last weekend, and he was out of the country. I meant to email him early this week, but have had a ridiculously busy time at work and haven't really been in in the right mood. I've turned on my laptop in the evenings but have tended to only have the energy to stare at the screen, rather than come up with something to write. I finally replied to him last night.
I feel bad for taking so long to do so, and part of me is thinking that I'm deliberately avoiding emailing so as to push a possible meeting further into the future. I know that is probably the worst thing I can do. I just need to arrange a date and get it over and done with. It can't be as bad as I am imagining, and once I've been on one date, hopefully my fear and nervousness will subside a little. I am away next weekend, but have told him that I am free the weekend after and also have some free evenings this week and next.
I'm still having fun with friends. My best friend and I went out to the big city last weekend, just the two of us, without her husband and children. We used to do that a fair bit when she was single, and it was long overdue. We both had great fun. E and A visited today and we did some exploring of the local area. I'm off to a wedding next weekend, which should be fun, but is also likely to remind me of my lack of relationship as I'll be one of the only guest without a "plus one".
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