This afternoon I have been sitting at my desk feeling as if I might be about to cry.
My friends who are a couple, E and A, are moving in together. The female half of the couple, E, told me. It is really good news: they seem very happy together, are well suited to each other and definitely click.
The reason I feel like crying is the memories it brings back. A is someone who, for what seemed like an age, I was attracted to, had feelings for and who I wanted to date.
I never told him how I felt.
I made every effort to spend as much time as possible with him. I tried to flirt with him (I think I failed). I attempted to give him signals that would make it obvious that I was interested. I analysed everything he did and said for signs of interest. I discussed with friends (E, and T, the friend who was seeing the married guy) what I should do. But I didn’t say anything and I don’t think he realised.
As more and more time passed with nothing happening, I knew I should stop kidding myself that he was just shy, but I still naively hoped. Eventually I got to the point where I felt as if I would go crazy if I didn’t know for certain whether I had a chance with him. Even if the answer was no, I had to know. I planned to tell him how I felt. I drafted the wording of a letter or email (there was no way I could do it face to face).
Then he asked E out.
She said yes. I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. E and I talked about it. We agreed that neither of us wanted it to ruin our friendship. It took me quite some time to work through the feelings the whole thing left me with. I’m still friends with both of them, and I’m glad of that because I really value their friendship. They are great together and I don't know that he and I would have been, and I’m sure in a few days time I will be fine with it again.
But today....Today made me remember how long I liked him for and how much. It made me remember the huge amount of time and energy I expended on liking him and on trying to work out if he liked me. It made me remember how I wished one day to be in E’s position. It made me remember the occasions when he said something that made me think I stood a chance. And it made me remember that he chose someone else. And that made me want to cry.
7 comments:
If I could, I'd give you a hug right now.
I had an "E" in my life,too -- except, he was my supervisor. (He was only a few years older, though.) And I know what it's like to feel like you could go crazy if you don't at least try to find out if maybe he could possibly like you, too -- if only he knew.
I know how it stings when it's some other girl who gets noticed by a guy -- especially when it's one that you desperately like. And I know what it's like to wnat to cry...except, often, I did cry. I'd cry myself to sleep, wake up the next morning, carefully arrange my face and pretend that everything was okay...and after awhile, it really was okay.
Just know that, if I could, I'd give you a hug right now because I know exactly how you feel.
Thank you so much for that, the virtual hug and knowing that I'm not alone in my feelings means a lot.
In the main, I am okay, I've worked through my feelings, and got past how awful I felt after it happened (they've been dating for over a year now). But every now and then something will happen, like yesterday, that brings it all back. I'm a little annoyed with myself that I can still want to cry about it even after a year, but then again I can't control by reactions and feelings.
Sorry to hear you've been through the same thing, it hurts and I feel for you. But I hope that at least we've both learned something from it. I know that I'm never going to spend that much time and energy again liking someone who doesn't actually ever ask me out.
Thank you again :)
oh man... OUCH! big hugs to you girl...
while i may not have had exactly that experience, i know too well what's it like when you like a guy and he doesn't like you back. it's worst when he gets together with another girl. even worst when she's your friend.
but what you said... "As more and more time passed with nothing happening, I knew I should stop kidding myself that he was just shy, but I still naively hoped." - that i totally feel you. i too have thought that maybe he was shy instead of facing the harsh truth that he just wasn't into me.
Thanks Jo. I seem to have managed to make your other comment disappear somehow while trying to approve it, sorry. What you said in it about making it obvious I was interested, with hindsight I think my attempts at that were actually rather lame, far too subtle and not at all obvious. I didn't really have a clue what to do - I got advice from some friends and did a lot of googling. I tried to flirt, I showed lots of interest in him, I asked him lots of questions about him and his life, I showed up to every social event I knew he'd be at, I tried to make sure my body language was "right" - all things that if a man did to me I'd strongly suspect he liked me.
Trouble is, I think men aren't generally very good at reading signals, they often need to be told directly. Also I didn't actually want him to know unless he was definitely interested in me (for fear of embarrassment), so I was trying to do things that he'd only notice if he was actively looking for signals from me. Which sounds really quite ridiculous and as I said, far too subtle.
I found a copy of Jo's other comment in my email, it reads:
you know i attempted to be all sweet and girly and that didn't last for like 2 seconds before i reverted back to my normal noisy self haha!
so yeah you're definitely right. you can't pretend to be someone you're not for long 'coz that just doesn't work.
as for making it clear to someone that you're interested in more than just friendship... whoa! that's pretty brave. i don't really know how to do that. i just get so scared and pretend and the guy probably wouldn't even know i liked him
you know i think your subtle signs sounds exactly like me. so i know just what you mean by only doing things that he would notice if he was actively looking for signals from you. i think most of what i do can be considered as a gesture of friendship. so that in the event he doesn't like me and totally crushes my heart, i can pretend that i would have done that for any friend anyway. yes, i'm warped like that haha!
I will join you in being a fully paid up member of the warped club! When I sit down and think about my plan to only give subtle signals, it makes no sense. I mean, logically, if he's waiting for some obvious sign before making a move, being too subtle isn't going to work. But at the time, it made perfect sense to me, and I'm sure it will in future too. Glad I'm not the only one to think that :)
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