I didn’t go out with my Sociable Guy friend after all. I contacted him but he was working all day Saturday and decided the weather was too cold and wet to leave the warmth of home once he got back from work. So I spent the evening at home on my own. It’s at times like this that I really wish I had a group of single female friends who I could call up and invite out and I’d know that at least one of them would say yes.
I mentioned to Sociable Guy that at the moment I’m feeling fed up and as if my life is going anywhere. He responded by saying that only I can change the way my life is going and that I have to take the plunge and do what makes me happier.
I guess he’s right up to a point. No matter how stuck I may feel, there are probably ways out if only I try hard enough. I could try to work out what alternative job would suit me, then find myself a new job, preferably one with a higher salary, because that would mean that I could also get myself a home of my own. Or I could even try to find a better paid job similar to my current one because again that would enable a change of home. But finding someone to have a relationship with, relying as it does on someone else’s feelings, doesn’t seem quite as straightforward. I could make more effort to meet new people. I could sign up for even more courses and join even more clubs. I could even try internet dating, although the thought of it terrifies me. Ultimately though, I have no control over someone else’s feelings or over whether we click.
I know that I do need to change my life in some way, but I am uncertain whether I ought to try to change one aspect at a time, or just go for one big bang. Do I move into a different houseshare and stay in the same job? Do I find another job and a new home but stay in the same town? Do I find a new job in a different town which would give me a whole townful of new people to meet (assuming I could pluck up the courage to try to meet them)?
Doing anything at all seems too scary. What if I don’t like the new job? The new housemates? The new town? I think I’ve become almost too comfortable with a lot of things. I can do my job with my eyes closed. I’ve known my colleagues for ages so no nerve-wracking getting to know them required. I live conveniently close to work. I like the town I live in, its facilities and its location. I sometimes wish I hated my job because that would give me a push into at least changing jobs even if nothing else.
I am a terrible procrastinator. I am capable of spending hours thinking about what I‘d like to change and ways I’d want to do it, I day dream about living elsewhere, about travelling more, about the day I am offered a wonderful new job, yet I do nothing that might help to take me down that different path.
Sociable Guy is right. I am the only one who can change the way my life is going. I just need to give myself a very big kick to force myself to do it. Trouble is, I think I’m too afraid to give myself that kick.
3 comments:
I find that you have to really want to make that change in your own life before you can commit to doing it -- so, no matter what wise words other people pass onto us, it tends to fall on deaf ears. Change is something you need to want to do for yourself -- and that's something I've been mulling over a lot lately.
i think i'm kinda like that too... sometimes i think i rather stay in my comfort zone even if the zone isn't necessarily always the happiest place to be. but i figure that when you're annoyed enough to push yourself, you'll get there.
and you're so right when you said that ultimately we don't have control over someone else's feelings or if there is sparkage. i think that's the problem. 'coz you can try all you want... you can put yourself out there and do everything. but if the spark isn't there or if he just doesn't like you back, there's nothing you can do. and that sucks.
You're both so right. I've been thinking for quite a while that I really want to make some changes, but in reality I don't think I've been annoyed enough, or hated how things are enough, or really, really wanted it enough to actually do it. When I do get to that point I'm sure (I hope) I will give myself that push, because hopefully the annoyance will outweigh the fear.
Jo - it really does suck. I found an internet forum the other day discussing how a 31 yr old woman with almost no relationship experience can find someone. The general concensus was that "it's a crapshoot". You can lower the odds by meeting lots of new people and dating as much as possible but ultimately it's down to luck. Which kind of depressed me.
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