I've written a couple of quite lengthy posts recently about my friendship with T. I wrote them because I had various thoughts and worries going round and round in my mind and needed to work through them and make sense of them. So the posts were a kind of therapy, which is what my whole blog is. I'm sure they probably bored the pants off anyone who read them all and/or had you yelling at me that I'm better off without her.
The trouble is, I do care about her, and as she is still pretty much ignoring me, I do miss contact with her. I miss her emails about her colleagues' quirks, I miss her numerous texts, some silly, some serious, I miss us getting excited about our next weekend away. I miss being able to share my family problems with her. I miss being friends with her.
However, I don't miss email after email after email analysing everything about the guy she dated for a few weeks and can't get over. I don't miss her suddenly stopping talking to me because she's p**sed off about something she thinks I did wrong. I don't miss meeting up for a weekend and ending up spending most of the time talking through how she feels about the guy who suddenly re-appeared in her life, what it might mean and what she can do about it. I don't miss trying to persuade her that people care about her after she has told me she hates herself. I don't miss trying to be her counsellor, therapist and psychologist.
I know she is depressed and I know she has zero self esteem, and I am fully prepared to provide support for a friend who is getting professional treatment/therapy, as was the case with her a few years ago when she was first diagnosed. But I can't do it year after year for a friend who refuses to get the help she still needs. I am not a counsellor, I am not qualified, I can't wave a magic wand and make her feel better, I can't be the only person she turns to when she's depressed or hating herself.
You all spoke a lot of sense last year about T. My friends have said a few sensible things this time. You all help me to realise that I'm not the awful friend she currently thinks I am. So if our friendship is to survive she needs to get professional help. I am continuing to contact her occasionally. If she decides that she wants to talk then I will need to tell her that, as her friend and someone who cares about her, I think she should seek professional help. If she continues ignoring me I will need to decide when is the time to say the same thing by email.
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
Saturday, 4 February 2012
Fear
I think I'm a little afraid of men. Not all men. Married or attached men, those I don't find at all attractive and those who are much older or younger than me, I have no problem with. But single men, around my age, who I find at least sort of attractive or who I might possibly find attractive, they scare the hell out of me just by talking to me.
I went into the kitchen at work one day last week to find a guy who works down my corridor already in there. I speak to him quite often about work related things, and have had one or two fairly short conversations with him about non-work things. I don't look at him and immediately find myself attracted to him, but I have occasionally thought that I possibly could find him attractive in certain circumstances (such as if he asked me on a date).
As we made our various cups of tea and coffee we said a few random things to each other, and then he asked me if I had any plans for the weekend. I told him I had none, he said the same, I mentioned something hobby-related which I did last weekend, which prompted a further question from him. We were almost having a proper conversation.
And I was scared. He was surely only making conversation as making drinks in silence can feel a bit awkward. But I was thinking "Why did he ask that? He can't like me??? What if he asks me out? How do I handle that? How do I cope with a date? I can't talk to him, he'll think I like him." I had all sorts of nonsense running through my mind, nonsense which stems from my total lack of experience with men. To me, going on a date, being in a relationship with a man, are things as new and alien to me as sky-diving or bungee-jumping, and are every bit as scary.
Other people find the thought of a first date exciting. I wish I did. Instead, I am stuck with fear. Fear of not knowing what to do and of doing it all wrong. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of looking like an idiot. Fear of being found out.
I went into the kitchen at work one day last week to find a guy who works down my corridor already in there. I speak to him quite often about work related things, and have had one or two fairly short conversations with him about non-work things. I don't look at him and immediately find myself attracted to him, but I have occasionally thought that I possibly could find him attractive in certain circumstances (such as if he asked me on a date).
As we made our various cups of tea and coffee we said a few random things to each other, and then he asked me if I had any plans for the weekend. I told him I had none, he said the same, I mentioned something hobby-related which I did last weekend, which prompted a further question from him. We were almost having a proper conversation.
And I was scared. He was surely only making conversation as making drinks in silence can feel a bit awkward. But I was thinking "Why did he ask that? He can't like me??? What if he asks me out? How do I handle that? How do I cope with a date? I can't talk to him, he'll think I like him." I had all sorts of nonsense running through my mind, nonsense which stems from my total lack of experience with men. To me, going on a date, being in a relationship with a man, are things as new and alien to me as sky-diving or bungee-jumping, and are every bit as scary.
Other people find the thought of a first date exciting. I wish I did. Instead, I am stuck with fear. Fear of not knowing what to do and of doing it all wrong. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of looking like an idiot. Fear of being found out.
Friday, 27 January 2012
Remembrance
Monday, 23 January 2012
Expectations
You may have guessed that the letter in my last post was to my friend T. I didn't send a real one in the end as I eventually heard from her.
Things are not okay with her or us. A text that I sent saying I was upset and confused about why she was ignoring me finally got an email response from her. An email which can be summed up by saying that she finds it too hurtful having friends so she feels she is better off alone, with no friends.
The long version said that she had spoken to no friends since Christmas and was adjusting to being alone. It talked about how she had realised over Christmas/New year that she "has no-one". It described how she cried herself to sleep on New Year's Eve. It declared that at "times which matter", times when you're supposed to be with loved ones, such as New Year's Eve, she has no-one. It said that to her friends she is an inconvenience. It said that her friends don't make her feel good. It said that she couldn't stand another year of heartache and wondering if this year someone will invite her to do something in New Year's Eve, whether this year people who accept an invite to her birthday celebration will actually turn up. It said that she won't have to wonder about those things if she has no friends. It said she didn't want to hurt me.
It didn't say anything about the times when she wasn't alone, about the numerous weekends I spent with her last year, about the occasional coffees, lunches and dinners she had with other friends, about the Christmas Eve spent with family friends and described as wonderful. It ignored those times so I mentioned them in my reply. I tried to remind her that she does have friends, that she does have people who care about her, and that nobody has ever described her as an inconvenience. I said I didn't understand what she was saying; did she want to end our friendship?.
Another email arrived from her. It again spoke about being lonely and miserable New Year's Eve and not having anyone to go out with on her birthday. It said that she thinks the relationship I have with my best friend blinds me to everyone else, that there are other people who love me, who want to celebrate my birthday with me, who want to share "special events" with me, but they don't get the chance. It ended with saying she was sorry but that I will be okay because I have other friends.
I don't know what to think. My mind is all over the place. Mutual friends of ours have seen her and said she seems very down and tearful. Suddenly deciding to end all your friendships because of a handful of days spent alone seems perhaps irrational (one of the days was her birthday though, so I completely understand her upset about that). She has low self esteem and confesses to hating herself. All of this suggests she might be depressed again. I have tried to tell her that I am here for her and want to help if I can.
However, although half of the second email was about other people, half was directed at me. Is it simply depression or is there any truth in what she says about me? When she says that other "people" want to spend my birthday with me, she means her, as no other friend has ever expressed that wish. They send cards, they send a text on the day, but they don't voice a desperation to spend the day with me.
I am touched that she feels that way, but I have for the past several years spent my birthday with my best friend. It's what we do. Should I feel guilty about that because T isn't getting her chance to spend the day with me? I feel I can't hurt my best friend by dumping her on my birthday and at other times we spend together in order to spend them with T instead. Is that wrong? I may be wrong but don't think so. My best friend has been my best friend for 18 years and is the most important friend in my life.
I love T and have had some wonderful times with her and have considered her a great friend. I have over the past few years spent more and more time with her, last year probably more than I spent with my best friend. But it doesn't seem to be enough; she seems to feel that I am not spending the "right" days with her. Has all the time I've spent with her meant nothing? Does our friendship only mean something to her if she gets to spend certain days with me? It's feeling as if she is wanting, needing or expecting more from our friendship than I can give. There was also perhaps a hint of jealousy of my best friend.
And yet still I feel guilty. I try to be as good a friend as I can be to all of my friends. I cannot be everything to all of them and I cannot give all of them all of my time, but I do what I can and it upsets me that T seems to think I have failed as a friend.
I replied to her email. I told her there were times last year when I felt torn between her and my best friend and felt bad for having to turn one of them down due to plans with the other. I was honest and said that abandoning my best friend in favour of her on days like my birthday would hurt my best friend as much as T is hurting now, so I can't do it. I told her that having other friends does not make it okay when one friendship is lost. The others don't replace the missing friend and the loss hurts. I am not sure she will like my email. I couldn't promise her what she seems to want.
Things are not okay with her or us. A text that I sent saying I was upset and confused about why she was ignoring me finally got an email response from her. An email which can be summed up by saying that she finds it too hurtful having friends so she feels she is better off alone, with no friends.
The long version said that she had spoken to no friends since Christmas and was adjusting to being alone. It talked about how she had realised over Christmas/New year that she "has no-one". It described how she cried herself to sleep on New Year's Eve. It declared that at "times which matter", times when you're supposed to be with loved ones, such as New Year's Eve, she has no-one. It said that to her friends she is an inconvenience. It said that her friends don't make her feel good. It said that she couldn't stand another year of heartache and wondering if this year someone will invite her to do something in New Year's Eve, whether this year people who accept an invite to her birthday celebration will actually turn up. It said that she won't have to wonder about those things if she has no friends. It said she didn't want to hurt me.
It didn't say anything about the times when she wasn't alone, about the numerous weekends I spent with her last year, about the occasional coffees, lunches and dinners she had with other friends, about the Christmas Eve spent with family friends and described as wonderful. It ignored those times so I mentioned them in my reply. I tried to remind her that she does have friends, that she does have people who care about her, and that nobody has ever described her as an inconvenience. I said I didn't understand what she was saying; did she want to end our friendship?.
Another email arrived from her. It again spoke about being lonely and miserable New Year's Eve and not having anyone to go out with on her birthday. It said that she thinks the relationship I have with my best friend blinds me to everyone else, that there are other people who love me, who want to celebrate my birthday with me, who want to share "special events" with me, but they don't get the chance. It ended with saying she was sorry but that I will be okay because I have other friends.
I don't know what to think. My mind is all over the place. Mutual friends of ours have seen her and said she seems very down and tearful. Suddenly deciding to end all your friendships because of a handful of days spent alone seems perhaps irrational (one of the days was her birthday though, so I completely understand her upset about that). She has low self esteem and confesses to hating herself. All of this suggests she might be depressed again. I have tried to tell her that I am here for her and want to help if I can.
However, although half of the second email was about other people, half was directed at me. Is it simply depression or is there any truth in what she says about me? When she says that other "people" want to spend my birthday with me, she means her, as no other friend has ever expressed that wish. They send cards, they send a text on the day, but they don't voice a desperation to spend the day with me.
I am touched that she feels that way, but I have for the past several years spent my birthday with my best friend. It's what we do. Should I feel guilty about that because T isn't getting her chance to spend the day with me? I feel I can't hurt my best friend by dumping her on my birthday and at other times we spend together in order to spend them with T instead. Is that wrong? I may be wrong but don't think so. My best friend has been my best friend for 18 years and is the most important friend in my life.
I love T and have had some wonderful times with her and have considered her a great friend. I have over the past few years spent more and more time with her, last year probably more than I spent with my best friend. But it doesn't seem to be enough; she seems to feel that I am not spending the "right" days with her. Has all the time I've spent with her meant nothing? Does our friendship only mean something to her if she gets to spend certain days with me? It's feeling as if she is wanting, needing or expecting more from our friendship than I can give. There was also perhaps a hint of jealousy of my best friend.
And yet still I feel guilty. I try to be as good a friend as I can be to all of my friends. I cannot be everything to all of them and I cannot give all of them all of my time, but I do what I can and it upsets me that T seems to think I have failed as a friend.
I replied to her email. I told her there were times last year when I felt torn between her and my best friend and felt bad for having to turn one of them down due to plans with the other. I was honest and said that abandoning my best friend in favour of her on days like my birthday would hurt my best friend as much as T is hurting now, so I can't do it. I told her that having other friends does not make it okay when one friendship is lost. The others don't replace the missing friend and the loss hurts. I am not sure she will like my email. I couldn't promise her what she seems to want.
Monday, 9 January 2012
Letter to a Friend
Dear Friend,
I have no idea why you are ignoring me. I'm not even sure that you are ignoring me, but the lack of response to my texts and emails for 10 days and the fact that you're not answering your phone means I have to assume that I am indeed being ignored. You are usually in touch several times a week, often just a quick text or two, but contact nonetheless.
I last heard from you just before New Year. You seemed fine. You sent 3 or 4 texts that day, I replied but my texts went unacknowledged. I assumed you were busy. Since then, nothing.
I sent you a Happy New Year on the morning of the 1st but heard nothing from you all day. I thought it a bit odd as you never usually fail to send birthday/Christmas/New year/other special occasion wishes, but concluded that maybe you were ill with the flu that's been going round.
I sent a quick, silly text the next day. No reply. I sent an email the day after. I said I hoped all was ok with you. No reply. The next day I texted to ask if all was ok. The day after, my text said I was getting worried about you. Friday's said I was here if you want to talk. Still I heard nothing from you.
Saturday I phoned you. The phone rang and then went to voicemail. You didn't call me back as you normally would. I called again this evening. Straight to voicemail this time. I contacted a mutual friend to see if she'd seen or heard from you. She's going to email you at work tomorrow. If you reply I will be relieved that you are ok, but also extremely hurt that you are ignoring me.
This isn't the first time you've stopped contacting me and replying to me. I'm looking back over the previous times to try to work out why. The first time, you were depressed and had turned off your phone and hidden it as you didn't want to speak to anyone. I can understand that and forgive it. But that time you had been showing signs of depression for a while. This time you seemed perfectly happy and fairly positive last time I heard from you.
Another time you went AWOL for a week when you were ill in bed with bad flu. If that's the case this time surely over a week into being ill you can manage a quick text to say "I'm ill"? You know from my texts that I am worried, or if you haven't seen them you must realise that I will be wondering why I haven't heard from you. I assume if you were so ill that you can't pick up the phone that somebody would have let me know. If being ill is the reason it's also probably forgivable.
The other reason you have ignored me in the past is because you were angry or offended over something I said or did. You gave no indication that that you were feeling that way and looking back over my texts of that last day I can't see anything offensive, upsetting or controversial in them. From past experience though I know that you can be upset by something nobody else would have a problem with.
If you are angry with me over something and are handling it by simply ignoring me, then we need to talk. You cannot simply disappear when something happens in our friendship which you don't like. Tell me that you're angry, tell me what about and tell me that you need time away from the friendship, and I will give you time. Tell me that you're angry and that you need to talk it through with me, and I will happily talk it through. But do not just disappear with no warning or explanation. It hurts. It worries me.
Previously I have sent you all sorts of texts and emails begging you to let me know you're ok. I am not doing that this time as it makes the hurt and worry worse. I do wonder whether you do this to provoke a reaction, to get me to tell you how much I care, and to beg you to get in touch. I wonder whether you are testing my friendship. I hope I am wrong to wonder that.
In the past I have travelled to your town to try to see you. You have never even acknowledged that I did that. I don't think I can risk rejection again by doing it this time.
I don't know where we go from here. Our mutual friend will let me know tomorrow whether she hears from you. If she does but you carry on ignoring me I have no idea what to do. I can't force you to reply, or pick up the phone. I guess I just wait. Send an occasional text or email.
At what point do I give up on hearing from you? If you re-appear and you were ill or depressed I forgive you and we can go on as we were. We've had a great past few months and have some good things planned for this year. But if it turns out you're doing this through anger then we need to talk. And if you can't or won't talk then a version of this letter will be heading your way. I cannot cope with this happening every few months.
I really hope you're alright. I hope you're not depressed again. I hope out mutual friend hears from you despite what that might tell me about why you're ignoring me. If she cannot get hold of you either then we have a completely different problem but I'm not thinking about that yet.
Love and best wishes
K xxx
PS I had a disagreement with my best friend today. I phoned her, she answered, we talked and everything is now fine. Why can't we do that?
I have no idea why you are ignoring me. I'm not even sure that you are ignoring me, but the lack of response to my texts and emails for 10 days and the fact that you're not answering your phone means I have to assume that I am indeed being ignored. You are usually in touch several times a week, often just a quick text or two, but contact nonetheless.
I last heard from you just before New Year. You seemed fine. You sent 3 or 4 texts that day, I replied but my texts went unacknowledged. I assumed you were busy. Since then, nothing.
I sent you a Happy New Year on the morning of the 1st but heard nothing from you all day. I thought it a bit odd as you never usually fail to send birthday/Christmas/New year/other special occasion wishes, but concluded that maybe you were ill with the flu that's been going round.
I sent a quick, silly text the next day. No reply. I sent an email the day after. I said I hoped all was ok with you. No reply. The next day I texted to ask if all was ok. The day after, my text said I was getting worried about you. Friday's said I was here if you want to talk. Still I heard nothing from you.
Saturday I phoned you. The phone rang and then went to voicemail. You didn't call me back as you normally would. I called again this evening. Straight to voicemail this time. I contacted a mutual friend to see if she'd seen or heard from you. She's going to email you at work tomorrow. If you reply I will be relieved that you are ok, but also extremely hurt that you are ignoring me.
This isn't the first time you've stopped contacting me and replying to me. I'm looking back over the previous times to try to work out why. The first time, you were depressed and had turned off your phone and hidden it as you didn't want to speak to anyone. I can understand that and forgive it. But that time you had been showing signs of depression for a while. This time you seemed perfectly happy and fairly positive last time I heard from you.
Another time you went AWOL for a week when you were ill in bed with bad flu. If that's the case this time surely over a week into being ill you can manage a quick text to say "I'm ill"? You know from my texts that I am worried, or if you haven't seen them you must realise that I will be wondering why I haven't heard from you. I assume if you were so ill that you can't pick up the phone that somebody would have let me know. If being ill is the reason it's also probably forgivable.
The other reason you have ignored me in the past is because you were angry or offended over something I said or did. You gave no indication that that you were feeling that way and looking back over my texts of that last day I can't see anything offensive, upsetting or controversial in them. From past experience though I know that you can be upset by something nobody else would have a problem with.
If you are angry with me over something and are handling it by simply ignoring me, then we need to talk. You cannot simply disappear when something happens in our friendship which you don't like. Tell me that you're angry, tell me what about and tell me that you need time away from the friendship, and I will give you time. Tell me that you're angry and that you need to talk it through with me, and I will happily talk it through. But do not just disappear with no warning or explanation. It hurts. It worries me.
Previously I have sent you all sorts of texts and emails begging you to let me know you're ok. I am not doing that this time as it makes the hurt and worry worse. I do wonder whether you do this to provoke a reaction, to get me to tell you how much I care, and to beg you to get in touch. I wonder whether you are testing my friendship. I hope I am wrong to wonder that.
In the past I have travelled to your town to try to see you. You have never even acknowledged that I did that. I don't think I can risk rejection again by doing it this time.
I don't know where we go from here. Our mutual friend will let me know tomorrow whether she hears from you. If she does but you carry on ignoring me I have no idea what to do. I can't force you to reply, or pick up the phone. I guess I just wait. Send an occasional text or email.
At what point do I give up on hearing from you? If you re-appear and you were ill or depressed I forgive you and we can go on as we were. We've had a great past few months and have some good things planned for this year. But if it turns out you're doing this through anger then we need to talk. And if you can't or won't talk then a version of this letter will be heading your way. I cannot cope with this happening every few months.
I really hope you're alright. I hope you're not depressed again. I hope out mutual friend hears from you despite what that might tell me about why you're ignoring me. If she cannot get hold of you either then we have a completely different problem but I'm not thinking about that yet.
Love and best wishes
K xxx
PS I had a disagreement with my best friend today. I phoned her, she answered, we talked and everything is now fine. Why can't we do that?
Saturday, 11 June 2011
A little bit of honesty
About time I posted an update. I haven't disappeared, it's just that life has been a little hectic recently and I haven't had chance to sit down and write, but I need to this evening.
Firstly, thank you to all those who commented on my last post for your thoughts. They gave me a lot to think about and consider and it was good to see how things look from an outsider's perspective.
The update on what happened last time is pretty short. I have to confess to failing to confront T about her behaviour. I have no real excuse, other than the times I've seen her since have been for weekends away for specific events and there was no time that seemed right for trying to speak to her. I was worried about ruining the weekend for both of us. The fact that she just got completely back to normal also made it difficult. If someone is being nice to you, and fun to be with, and acting like a friend, how do you start a discussion about what she did? If she was still being off with me it would have made it easier.
So I said nothing that time, but I have earlier today sent her an email telling her a few home truths about how I feel about something that happened yesterday. The something is as follows.
A few weeks ago a friend of mine at my workplace booked concert tickets for me, her and T. T knew she was going to try to buy them and had agreed that she wanted a ticket. T and I then owed my work friend money for the tickets. I paid a couple of days later and I assumed that T would arrange to do the same, as she has my work friend's contact details.
A couple of weeks ago Work Friend's husband was laid off at work, with no notice and no final pay cheque, leaving them and their family to live off her not very large wage. Last week she asked me to chase up T for the money she owed, as her credit card bill was due. I texted T a reminder and got a reply saying the cheque was written and would be posted in the next couple of days. The text also included a comment that she was already thousands in debt.
A couple of days ago Work Friend asked me if the cheque had arrived (we assumed it was being sent to my home address). It hadn't. Work Friend isn't the sort to chase debts up this soon in normal circumstances, but at the moment she can't afford to just wait to be paid. So I had to chase up T again which I hated doing as she had mentioned in an email earlier in the day that she was overdrawn at the bank. I did say that if the cheque had go stuck in the post, I could pay for now, thinking this was way out or her if she was in financial trouble.
Her response to my chasing arrived yesterday and it really angered me and is what prompted me to be honest with her. Her email, and my reactions, basically went like this:
- the cheque is written but will bounce as she won't get paid till July (ok, she has just moved to a new job and is paid in arrears, but as she only left the last job last week she should not be struggling for money yet, how the hell is she so overdrawn?)
- she has had to take a pay cut to move to the new job
- she can put the cheque in the post but it will bounce (this really angered me - there is no point posting it if it will bounce so why bother saying she can post it?)
- she can go to the bank and get money from her other bank account, but not until Saturday (fair enough, her work is not near the bank)and she might not even be able to do it on Saturday as she has appointments (EXCUSE ME???? You have a debt to pay. The person you owe it to has asked for it. You should be making every effort to get the money to her. You cannot say you might not be able to get to the bank. You make damn sure
you get there and sort the money out).
- if it is vital that this gets sorted this afternoon then Work Friend and I will have to work out what needs to be done (first, I never said it needed sorting this afternoon, I said this week. Second, this suggests she can't pay this afternoon but she can pay tomorrow, which is not the case. And third, why the hell should we have to sort anything out between ourselves? This is not my debt, it is hers)
The general tone of the email was one of feeling sorry for herself and of not taking responsibility for her debt. There was no apology for not being able to pay and no sign of feeling bad about it. There was also no real acknowledgement of my offer to pay. I would have been mortified to be in her position, would have felt absolutely awful about it and would have found the money somehow.
I should point out that at this point I'm not sure that I'd told her about Work Friend's husband. However, that shouldn't make any difference. If someone asks you to pay a debt they are asking because they need the money and you pay them. My first instinct was to email back telling her to grow up and be responsible, but that would have felt as if I was being nasty, so my initial response was an email telling her she's not a failure, offering again to pay so that she owed me instead, and offering my thoughts and advice on her finances if she wanted. I also told her about Work Friend's husband so she knew why the money is needed. She is not at all happy with life this week and I didn't want to add to her unhappiness.
However, last night I couldn't stop thinking about her email, her seeming expectation that I should sort out her debt, and her apparent lack of concern over it. Her only worries seemed to be about her own life and finances, there was no thought about my Work Friend. I did give my Work Friend a cheque myself as I cannot let her be out of pocket and I have no idea when T will manage to sort out the money, but I hated being put in that position.
So I emailed my friend E today with the whole story and her advice was once again that if she were me, she would be honest. And this time I finally followed her advice. I think the trigger was that T's behaviour is now affecting someone other than me. I spent my lunch hour and some time after work composing an email. I tried to be honest, but not unpleasant. I do care about her, but she does need to know how this email came across and how angry it made me.
I told her that it is her debt and that she is responsible for paying it, that I understand that money is tight, but she can't expect people to just wait until she is able to pay, and that her email came across as a bit dismissive. I told that I care about her but that I need to be honest with her otherwise I will dwell on this and end up even angrier. I fully expect to either be ignored or to receive an email ending the friendship. Funnily enough, when I was partway through writing the email, I got a short chatty message from her about something not particularly important. No mention of my email from yesterday, nothing at all about the money she owes.
She does need to grow up and be responsible. She was in a financial mess late last year but paid off her debts and set up a savings account and I thought all was well. However I don't think she understands the concept of living within her means. She has a full time job. She lives with her parents so doesn't have proper rent and bills to pay, just board money to her parents. She should have a reasonable amount of disposable income. She should not be thousands of pounds in debt.
I think that living with her parents is one of the reasons why she is in debt. If she can't pay her board, there are no consequences. She won't be at risk of losing her home. She won't have her electricity cut off. She won't be unable to put food on the table. She hasn't learnt how to be responsible with her money, that in the real world you can't buy endless CDs, concert tickets and clothes, you need to make sure you can afford them. She talks about only living once and that you should do things that you want to do rather than regret not doing them, which is a philosophy I tend to agree with, but not to the extent of putting myself into that much debt.
Pressing send on the email felt right. Yes, she has problems of her own, but that does not excuse her behavior. I was a little hesitant about doing it by email rather than in person, but I don't know that I could manage to say it all in person.
I await her response, or lack of.
Firstly, thank you to all those who commented on my last post for your thoughts. They gave me a lot to think about and consider and it was good to see how things look from an outsider's perspective.
The update on what happened last time is pretty short. I have to confess to failing to confront T about her behaviour. I have no real excuse, other than the times I've seen her since have been for weekends away for specific events and there was no time that seemed right for trying to speak to her. I was worried about ruining the weekend for both of us. The fact that she just got completely back to normal also made it difficult. If someone is being nice to you, and fun to be with, and acting like a friend, how do you start a discussion about what she did? If she was still being off with me it would have made it easier.
So I said nothing that time, but I have earlier today sent her an email telling her a few home truths about how I feel about something that happened yesterday. The something is as follows.
A few weeks ago a friend of mine at my workplace booked concert tickets for me, her and T. T knew she was going to try to buy them and had agreed that she wanted a ticket. T and I then owed my work friend money for the tickets. I paid a couple of days later and I assumed that T would arrange to do the same, as she has my work friend's contact details.
A couple of weeks ago Work Friend's husband was laid off at work, with no notice and no final pay cheque, leaving them and their family to live off her not very large wage. Last week she asked me to chase up T for the money she owed, as her credit card bill was due. I texted T a reminder and got a reply saying the cheque was written and would be posted in the next couple of days. The text also included a comment that she was already thousands in debt.
A couple of days ago Work Friend asked me if the cheque had arrived (we assumed it was being sent to my home address). It hadn't. Work Friend isn't the sort to chase debts up this soon in normal circumstances, but at the moment she can't afford to just wait to be paid. So I had to chase up T again which I hated doing as she had mentioned in an email earlier in the day that she was overdrawn at the bank. I did say that if the cheque had go stuck in the post, I could pay for now, thinking this was way out or her if she was in financial trouble.
Her response to my chasing arrived yesterday and it really angered me and is what prompted me to be honest with her. Her email, and my reactions, basically went like this:
- the cheque is written but will bounce as she won't get paid till July (ok, she has just moved to a new job and is paid in arrears, but as she only left the last job last week she should not be struggling for money yet, how the hell is she so overdrawn?)
- she has had to take a pay cut to move to the new job
- she can put the cheque in the post but it will bounce (this really angered me - there is no point posting it if it will bounce so why bother saying she can post it?)
- she can go to the bank and get money from her other bank account, but not until Saturday (fair enough, her work is not near the bank)and she might not even be able to do it on Saturday as she has appointments (EXCUSE ME???? You have a debt to pay. The person you owe it to has asked for it. You should be making every effort to get the money to her. You cannot say you might not be able to get to the bank. You make damn sure
you get there and sort the money out).
- if it is vital that this gets sorted this afternoon then Work Friend and I will have to work out what needs to be done (first, I never said it needed sorting this afternoon, I said this week. Second, this suggests she can't pay this afternoon but she can pay tomorrow, which is not the case. And third, why the hell should we have to sort anything out between ourselves? This is not my debt, it is hers)
The general tone of the email was one of feeling sorry for herself and of not taking responsibility for her debt. There was no apology for not being able to pay and no sign of feeling bad about it. There was also no real acknowledgement of my offer to pay. I would have been mortified to be in her position, would have felt absolutely awful about it and would have found the money somehow.
I should point out that at this point I'm not sure that I'd told her about Work Friend's husband. However, that shouldn't make any difference. If someone asks you to pay a debt they are asking because they need the money and you pay them. My first instinct was to email back telling her to grow up and be responsible, but that would have felt as if I was being nasty, so my initial response was an email telling her she's not a failure, offering again to pay so that she owed me instead, and offering my thoughts and advice on her finances if she wanted. I also told her about Work Friend's husband so she knew why the money is needed. She is not at all happy with life this week and I didn't want to add to her unhappiness.
However, last night I couldn't stop thinking about her email, her seeming expectation that I should sort out her debt, and her apparent lack of concern over it. Her only worries seemed to be about her own life and finances, there was no thought about my Work Friend. I did give my Work Friend a cheque myself as I cannot let her be out of pocket and I have no idea when T will manage to sort out the money, but I hated being put in that position.
So I emailed my friend E today with the whole story and her advice was once again that if she were me, she would be honest. And this time I finally followed her advice. I think the trigger was that T's behaviour is now affecting someone other than me. I spent my lunch hour and some time after work composing an email. I tried to be honest, but not unpleasant. I do care about her, but she does need to know how this email came across and how angry it made me.
I told her that it is her debt and that she is responsible for paying it, that I understand that money is tight, but she can't expect people to just wait until she is able to pay, and that her email came across as a bit dismissive. I told that I care about her but that I need to be honest with her otherwise I will dwell on this and end up even angrier. I fully expect to either be ignored or to receive an email ending the friendship. Funnily enough, when I was partway through writing the email, I got a short chatty message from her about something not particularly important. No mention of my email from yesterday, nothing at all about the money she owes.
She does need to grow up and be responsible. She was in a financial mess late last year but paid off her debts and set up a savings account and I thought all was well. However I don't think she understands the concept of living within her means. She has a full time job. She lives with her parents so doesn't have proper rent and bills to pay, just board money to her parents. She should have a reasonable amount of disposable income. She should not be thousands of pounds in debt.
I think that living with her parents is one of the reasons why she is in debt. If she can't pay her board, there are no consequences. She won't be at risk of losing her home. She won't have her electricity cut off. She won't be unable to put food on the table. She hasn't learnt how to be responsible with her money, that in the real world you can't buy endless CDs, concert tickets and clothes, you need to make sure you can afford them. She talks about only living once and that you should do things that you want to do rather than regret not doing them, which is a philosophy I tend to agree with, but not to the extent of putting myself into that much debt.
Pressing send on the email felt right. Yes, she has problems of her own, but that does not excuse her behavior. I was a little hesitant about doing it by email rather than in person, but I don't know that I could manage to say it all in person.
I await her response, or lack of.
Sunday, 3 April 2011
Ups and downs
Belle's comment raised an interesting point. Is T the one who has been using me? Well, as I said in my comment, I really don't think so. She has her issues and has had her problems over the past couple of years and that is what is prompting her behaviour, rather than her using me.
Though I don't feel I have been used, it is true to say that the friendship has been a bit lopsided in the last couple of years. She's been the one who was pretty much falling apart, she's been the one needing support, she's been the one who has needed to lean on me. I have had some family things going in recent months which she has been supportive about, and before all her problems began she supported me through some (less serious) problems of my own.
I know that at some point in the future if I need to lean on her she will be there for me. I guess the nature of friendship is that there are ups and downs, that there will be times where one person needs more from the other, and is perhaps less able to give, but it's likely that over the years roles will reverse and the person who was giving the support will become the one who needs it, and will be given it.
T did get back in touch with me a few days ago, via a short but perfectly friendly email. A couple of emails when back and forth between us, and we spoke on the phone a couple of days later. Without going into too much lengthy detail, things have been going very badly at the job she moved to a few months ago, and she has been feeling angry and upset. I think it was a combination of that and her lack of self esteem making her feel second best which triggered her use people comment to me. In our phone conversation the friendship felt as if it was back to "normal". The anger which was in her email was certainly no longer there.
I haven't seen her in person yet but when I do I think I do need to find a suitable moment to talk about her behaviour towards me. I understand her feelings about work and that sometimes she feels a need to disappear but I do wish she would tell me before just disappearing. And if the use people comment was because she felt insecure/jealous that I was planning something with another friend then she needs to learn to accept that I have other friends.
Though I don't feel I have been used, it is true to say that the friendship has been a bit lopsided in the last couple of years. She's been the one who was pretty much falling apart, she's been the one needing support, she's been the one who has needed to lean on me. I have had some family things going in recent months which she has been supportive about, and before all her problems began she supported me through some (less serious) problems of my own.
I know that at some point in the future if I need to lean on her she will be there for me. I guess the nature of friendship is that there are ups and downs, that there will be times where one person needs more from the other, and is perhaps less able to give, but it's likely that over the years roles will reverse and the person who was giving the support will become the one who needs it, and will be given it.
T did get back in touch with me a few days ago, via a short but perfectly friendly email. A couple of emails when back and forth between us, and we spoke on the phone a couple of days later. Without going into too much lengthy detail, things have been going very badly at the job she moved to a few months ago, and she has been feeling angry and upset. I think it was a combination of that and her lack of self esteem making her feel second best which triggered her use people comment to me. In our phone conversation the friendship felt as if it was back to "normal". The anger which was in her email was certainly no longer there.
I haven't seen her in person yet but when I do I think I do need to find a suitable moment to talk about her behaviour towards me. I understand her feelings about work and that sometimes she feels a need to disappear but I do wish she would tell me before just disappearing. And if the use people comment was because she felt insecure/jealous that I was planning something with another friend then she needs to learn to accept that I have other friends.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)