I just spent far too long choosing a new blog template. I decided the last one looked too cluttered. Even though it took me about an hour to decide on it in the first place.
I just wanted to say thank you to those of you who have commented on my blog so far. It's been good to find people who understand where I'm coming from, can relate to the things I write and have experienced some of what I have. The comments have given me some comfort, some things to think about and a sense of being not the only one.
I'm glad it's Friday. I've stayed up past midnight most nights this week and am very tired and it will be good not having to get up for work tomorrow, and not having to think very much. And then I have lunch with friends on Sunday. All in all I am looking forward to the weekend.
Friday, 31 October 2008
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Plans for the weekend
As of today I have something to do this weekend. A lot of my weekends I don’t do much at all, and what I do do doesn’t vary much – grocery or clothes shopping, watching TV at home, a trip to the shop to buy a newspaper, a visit to church (yes I go to church but that’s most definitely not why I’m a virgin. I disagree with a fair few of the church’s rules on sex and relationships)
Obviously all of this is done alone. Often the only people I speak to are shop assistants as I hand over money.
I do have some more sociable weekends. I sometimes go away for the weekend to visit a friend who is married with two children. Sometimes I go shopping with a friend. And occasionally I meet someone for drink or dinner or both.
What I’ve realised recently is that the majority of these activities, no matter who they’re with, have one thing in common: they are not instigated by me. Or if they are, the specific date has been chosen by someone else. Most times I have plans for a weekend it’s because someone else has invited me to do something.
My friend with children will invite me to visit.
Or a friend from work asks me if I fancy a drink.
Or my friend who was seeing Married Guy will finally give me a date when she is able to see me.
Or, this weekend I have been invited to have lunch with two friends who are a couple.
I rarely say no because I’m usually free, and don’t get me wrong I’m not exactly complaining because I do love spending time with my friends. But I do feel like I am relying on other people to provide a social life for me.
It’s not like I don’t try inviting them to do stuff, they just rarely seem to say yes, are busy with something else with their husbands/partners, or just don’t reply at all. I actually think that’s probably the normal way of things at my age, and that if I was with someone I maybe wouldn’t want to be going out with friends every weekend.
I’d love to be the one who is in charge of my own social life, making my own plans for the weekend, rather than relying on others to provide it for me. I know that I should probably be trying to meet new people, as the more people I know, the more chance I may have of finding someone. I just don’t know where to start.
I tried an evening class learning a language. I learnt a few useful phrases but didn’t make any new friends.
I go to a swimming club every week. We just swim.
I’m doing an evening class in a sport. We have the hour long lesson, there’s a bit of small talk during it, then everyone goes home.
I go to a weekly yoga class. A number of us have been going for a few years. We chat before the class then go straight home afterwards.
I am definitely not the sort of person who could ever go to a bar alone on a Saturday night and get talking to random strangers.
The new friends I have made in recent years I have met at work. I don’t know whether I am just not very good at making new friends, whether I’ve chosen the wrong activities, or there just hasn’t been anyone there that I’ve really clicked with on a friendship level.
I think I’m just not good at getting to know any new people full stop.
Obviously all of this is done alone. Often the only people I speak to are shop assistants as I hand over money.
I do have some more sociable weekends. I sometimes go away for the weekend to visit a friend who is married with two children. Sometimes I go shopping with a friend. And occasionally I meet someone for drink or dinner or both.
What I’ve realised recently is that the majority of these activities, no matter who they’re with, have one thing in common: they are not instigated by me. Or if they are, the specific date has been chosen by someone else. Most times I have plans for a weekend it’s because someone else has invited me to do something.
My friend with children will invite me to visit.
Or a friend from work asks me if I fancy a drink.
Or my friend who was seeing Married Guy will finally give me a date when she is able to see me.
Or, this weekend I have been invited to have lunch with two friends who are a couple.
I rarely say no because I’m usually free, and don’t get me wrong I’m not exactly complaining because I do love spending time with my friends. But I do feel like I am relying on other people to provide a social life for me.
It’s not like I don’t try inviting them to do stuff, they just rarely seem to say yes, are busy with something else with their husbands/partners, or just don’t reply at all. I actually think that’s probably the normal way of things at my age, and that if I was with someone I maybe wouldn’t want to be going out with friends every weekend.
I’d love to be the one who is in charge of my own social life, making my own plans for the weekend, rather than relying on others to provide it for me. I know that I should probably be trying to meet new people, as the more people I know, the more chance I may have of finding someone. I just don’t know where to start.
I tried an evening class learning a language. I learnt a few useful phrases but didn’t make any new friends.
I go to a swimming club every week. We just swim.
I’m doing an evening class in a sport. We have the hour long lesson, there’s a bit of small talk during it, then everyone goes home.
I go to a weekly yoga class. A number of us have been going for a few years. We chat before the class then go straight home afterwards.
I am definitely not the sort of person who could ever go to a bar alone on a Saturday night and get talking to random strangers.
The new friends I have made in recent years I have met at work. I don’t know whether I am just not very good at making new friends, whether I’ve chosen the wrong activities, or there just hasn’t been anyone there that I’ve really clicked with on a friendship level.
I think I’m just not good at getting to know any new people full stop.
Sunday, 26 October 2008
Jumping out of the plane
There was an article in the Observer newspaper today about Peaches Geldof and how great it is to marry young and after a very short relationship. I’m not actually interested in Peaches or anything about her marriage but there was a section in the article that got me thinking:
What if she’s right? What if I’m so used to being single, to having my own space, to doing exactly what I want to when I want to that I’m too scared to jump out of the damn plane? Yes I’m lonely, yes I want to be in a relationship, but being so accustomed to being alone would I actually be able to make the necessary compromises, be willing to lose some of my independence? I would hope that the prospect of enjoying life with someone I loved would make the answer to that yes, but I don’t think I’ll really know until it happens.
I definitely think I would take the whole process of embarking on a relationship much more seriously than I would have done 10-15 years ago. I suspect I would be likely to wonder if every potential boyfriend (assuming I ever have any) was “the one”, to wonder right from the start whether a relationship was going to lead to a life together, marriage, children even. I’m not sure I could simply date someone and just wait to see what happens without any expectations. A lot of pressure to put on a new relationship, and on any man brave or crazy enough to be interested in me.
If you ask me, getting married on a whim, drunk, aged 19, to somebody you barely know is the only way of doing it. If I had my life over again, that's what I'd do. If I had children, that's what I would advise them. But I don't have children, because I've been loitering timidly by the open doorway for so long that I'll probably never jump out of the plane. Pause to think about it and you just sit back down and buckle your seatbelt.
Perhaps the tabloids would prefer Peaches to hit 30 without marrying anyone. Give her a chance to get used to the single life, taking her own space, own sleep patterns, own choices, own holidays, own friends, own family, completely for granted. Allow the idea of sharing all this with somebody else, forever, to become a bit nerveracking. Let her come to believe that, having left it so long, it would now be really stupid to make a mistake. Let her take the whole thing so damn seriously that, instead of acting without thinking, she constantly thinks without acting.
All thirtysomethings do is date for years, too scared of abandoning self-sufficiency to take things any further, until the other person's flaws (perfectly tolerable if they had already made the commitment) become giant, looming reasons not to marry them anyway. Or they get married and are so shocked by the unfamiliar compromises of permanent partnership, they have to get divorced again.
By Victoria Coren, The Observer, 26.10.2008
What if she’s right? What if I’m so used to being single, to having my own space, to doing exactly what I want to when I want to that I’m too scared to jump out of the damn plane? Yes I’m lonely, yes I want to be in a relationship, but being so accustomed to being alone would I actually be able to make the necessary compromises, be willing to lose some of my independence? I would hope that the prospect of enjoying life with someone I loved would make the answer to that yes, but I don’t think I’ll really know until it happens.
I definitely think I would take the whole process of embarking on a relationship much more seriously than I would have done 10-15 years ago. I suspect I would be likely to wonder if every potential boyfriend (assuming I ever have any) was “the one”, to wonder right from the start whether a relationship was going to lead to a life together, marriage, children even. I’m not sure I could simply date someone and just wait to see what happens without any expectations. A lot of pressure to put on a new relationship, and on any man brave or crazy enough to be interested in me.
Saturday, 25 October 2008
Where did you spring from green-eyed monster?
So I went for dinner with my friend who was sleeping with the married guy. It had been a couple of months since I’d seen her in person and it had been hard to tell from emails and texts what frame of mind she was in. Happily, when we met up she seemed much more positive than she was when I last saw her, and even described herself as feeling “great”.
As the evening wore on the reason for her perkiness emerged. There’s a guy at her new work who she likes (well, lusts after would probably be more accurate) and who seems interested in her and she thinks there’s a strong possibility something might develop between them. Which is great. She hoped I’d be happy for her, and to an extent I am, she deserves some good stuff after all the crap that’s happened.
There are just a couple of things stopping me being as happy for her as I could be. One is some of the things she’s told me about him. He’s older than her. Much older than her: almost twice her age and easily old enough to be her father. And apparently he has something of a “reputation” with younger women (usually younger than her). She’s says she doesn’t want or expect anything long term from this, but I worry that she will end up falling for him and getting hurt again. I told her to be careful but fear it may fall on deaf ears. It did with Married Guy.
The other thing is how hearing this made me feel. I think I’m envious of her. It’s the first time in a while that I’ve felt envious of a friend’s relationship. It used to happen all the time when I was in my 20s, but it has got better over the years and I am now mostly genuinely happy for my friends who are in relationships. But this time I found myself thinking how come she has someone new attracted to her so soon after the last one? How does she just meet someone at work with no effort whatsoever? What’s so special about her? How come the men I’ve been attracted to in my life haven’t been attracted to me? (Actually how come nobody, to my knowledge, has been attracted to me?) And if I’m honest I was looking forward to having a single friend again, and feel disappointment that I probably won’t get that. But that’s just selfishness on my part and if this is what she really wants I hope it works out for her. I’m just not sure how well I could handle helping her pick up the pieces if it all went wrong again.
As the evening wore on the reason for her perkiness emerged. There’s a guy at her new work who she likes (well, lusts after would probably be more accurate) and who seems interested in her and she thinks there’s a strong possibility something might develop between them. Which is great. She hoped I’d be happy for her, and to an extent I am, she deserves some good stuff after all the crap that’s happened.
There are just a couple of things stopping me being as happy for her as I could be. One is some of the things she’s told me about him. He’s older than her. Much older than her: almost twice her age and easily old enough to be her father. And apparently he has something of a “reputation” with younger women (usually younger than her). She’s says she doesn’t want or expect anything long term from this, but I worry that she will end up falling for him and getting hurt again. I told her to be careful but fear it may fall on deaf ears. It did with Married Guy.
The other thing is how hearing this made me feel. I think I’m envious of her. It’s the first time in a while that I’ve felt envious of a friend’s relationship. It used to happen all the time when I was in my 20s, but it has got better over the years and I am now mostly genuinely happy for my friends who are in relationships. But this time I found myself thinking how come she has someone new attracted to her so soon after the last one? How does she just meet someone at work with no effort whatsoever? What’s so special about her? How come the men I’ve been attracted to in my life haven’t been attracted to me? (Actually how come nobody, to my knowledge, has been attracted to me?) And if I’m honest I was looking forward to having a single friend again, and feel disappointment that I probably won’t get that. But that’s just selfishness on my part and if this is what she really wants I hope it works out for her. I’m just not sure how well I could handle helping her pick up the pieces if it all went wrong again.
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
‘Tis better to have loved and lost....
...Than never to have loved at all (Alfred Lord Tennyson). Really? I have to confess that I am in two minds about whether I think this is true or not.
On the one hand, as someone who has never been in love (or been loved) whenever I hear this said it brings back all the hurt I feel at never having been in a relationship. I think, well of course it must be better to have loved and lost, to have experienced feeling that someone is the most important person in the whole world to you, to have known that you would do anything for them and them for you, to have wanted to grow old with someone. I would give anything to have had that, even if I ultimately lost it.
On the other hand, when I see what losing love has done to some of my friends, I begin to wonder.
I have one friend who has been in a very bad place the last few months. She was sleeping with a married guy at work (which she knew she shouldn’t have got into, which her friends advised her against, but she somehow couldn’t stop herself and ended up in love). Her left for a new job and the whole thing finished leaving her an emotional mess. I would never want to feel the way she has been – seriously depressed, having suicidal thoughts, feeling that most of her friends have deserted her because they disapproved. My situation may make me feel lonely, miserable, unloved, afraid, like a freak, I may cry myself to sleep from time to time, but I’m fairly sure I don’t feel as gut-wrenchingly awful as she does. If that’s what losing love does to you, is it really better than not having experienced it at all?
Of course, it may be that I am just trying to convince myself that Tennyson was wrong to make myself feel better, to make me think that I am not missing out on something wonderful. I think I’ve become quite good at trying to make myself think that over the years. I never quite succeed though...
On the one hand, as someone who has never been in love (or been loved) whenever I hear this said it brings back all the hurt I feel at never having been in a relationship. I think, well of course it must be better to have loved and lost, to have experienced feeling that someone is the most important person in the whole world to you, to have known that you would do anything for them and them for you, to have wanted to grow old with someone. I would give anything to have had that, even if I ultimately lost it.
On the other hand, when I see what losing love has done to some of my friends, I begin to wonder.
I have one friend who has been in a very bad place the last few months. She was sleeping with a married guy at work (which she knew she shouldn’t have got into, which her friends advised her against, but she somehow couldn’t stop herself and ended up in love). Her left for a new job and the whole thing finished leaving her an emotional mess. I would never want to feel the way she has been – seriously depressed, having suicidal thoughts, feeling that most of her friends have deserted her because they disapproved. My situation may make me feel lonely, miserable, unloved, afraid, like a freak, I may cry myself to sleep from time to time, but I’m fairly sure I don’t feel as gut-wrenchingly awful as she does. If that’s what losing love does to you, is it really better than not having experienced it at all?
Of course, it may be that I am just trying to convince myself that Tennyson was wrong to make myself feel better, to make me think that I am not missing out on something wonderful. I think I’ve become quite good at trying to make myself think that over the years. I never quite succeed though...
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Introducing me
Well I think the title of this blog explains what I am - a virgin in her 30s. As for who I am and what I'm about I guess that's something you'll find out over time. Although obviously how much you learn will be limited by me remaining anonymous due to the sheer embarrassment factor of being a 30-something virgin.
I think I've started writing this as sort of a form of therapy, to try to work out why I'm still single and a virgin and to get myself to a place where I can maybe change that. I came across a few other blogs about being an "older" virgin when I googled "never had a boyfriend". I'm not sure what I expected to find but I ended up being rather comforted to discover that I'm not alone in my virginity and perhaps therefore not such a freak after all. The more I read of the other blogs the more I felt I wanted to talk to someone about my situation and to get all the crazy thoughts out of my head. As I can't properly speak to any of my real life friends about it (they would of course try to understand but as non-virgins can't really relate to how I feel) talking to cyberspace and therefore possibly to others in the same boat will have to do.
I think I've started writing this as sort of a form of therapy, to try to work out why I'm still single and a virgin and to get myself to a place where I can maybe change that. I came across a few other blogs about being an "older" virgin when I googled "never had a boyfriend". I'm not sure what I expected to find but I ended up being rather comforted to discover that I'm not alone in my virginity and perhaps therefore not such a freak after all. The more I read of the other blogs the more I felt I wanted to talk to someone about my situation and to get all the crazy thoughts out of my head. As I can't properly speak to any of my real life friends about it (they would of course try to understand but as non-virgins can't really relate to how I feel) talking to cyberspace and therefore possibly to others in the same boat will have to do.
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