End of a Friendship

It's over. My friendship with T is over.

As it turned out, I couldn't wait until after our holiday to end it. Following our exchange of texts after she had declared that she needed to be inconsiderate, I retreated from her a little. I was hurt by the things she had texted me, and wasn't in the right frame of mind to converse with her about day to day life in the way we usually would. My plan, such as it was, was to be in contact to sort out practical things about the holiday, but to not get drawn into discussions about things like who hurt who. I would then go on holiday with her, we would presumably both act as if nothing was wrong, in the same way we had on the Saturday we spent together, and after the holiday, I would tell her I couldn't continue the friendship.

Then she sent a text saying she wanted to sort things out between us, but that we could only do so if I acknowledged that I had been inconsiderate and thoughtless. And what were some of these inconsiderate and thoughtless things I had done? Telling her that I could only afford to go to one concert on a particular singer's tour, when she wanted to go to more. Not thanking her for a sympathy card she sent me when my grandma died earlier this year. She also accused me of failing to let her know that I was on my way to meet her for a concert after I had spent the weekend at a friend's wedding. She said she shouldn't have had to sit around waiting to hear from me, and shouldn't have had to text me in the afternoon to find out where I was. She didn't actually have to do either. I checked my phone and I still had the text I sent her in the morning telling her I was on my way.

I had a text saying she hoped we could find a way to meet in the middle. She said she knew she'd handled the situation badly, was sorry for that and wanted to sort things out. Then she said she was happy to apologise but that I had to too.

It became clear that only having contact about practical holiday plans wasn't going to be possible. It would have felt very wrong and dishonest to me to reply to her texts about fixing the friendship with texts about what restaurants we should eat in. And even if I had tried to do that she would surely have continued to text about trying to resolve things. I don't know quite how that would have ended up.

She wanted to fix things. I didn't. She was demanding apologies. I couldn't start apologising for all sorts of things that I didn't feel were wrong, just to appease her, and to make things ok for the holiday. The situation was tearing me apart. I realised I couldn't go on holiday with her and pretend nothing was wrong, while knowing that on our return I would be ending the friendship.  

So I composed the hardest email I have ever written. I told her I could no longer cope with her repeatedly telling me I am a bad friend. I told her that I couldn't handle her getting angry with me over something trivial and ignoring me for weeks instead of just talking to me. I told her that I wasn't strong enough to keep trying to act as her therapist. I told her that I couldn't keep saying the same things to her over and over again and see them have no effect whatsoever. I told her that I needed to have other friends and couldn't cope with her seemingly having a problem with that. And then I pressed send.

Her reply was lengthy. She told me about other issues she has with me. She tried to give reasons for some of her behaviour. She mentioned her depression. She asked me to meet her halfway. She asked to talk. She didn't apologise for all the times she has ignored me for weeks. She didn't apologise for losing her temper with me over and over again. And perhaps most significantly she didn't say that she planned to get professional help for her depression and self esteem issues. That confirmed by decision. If she wasn't going to make a serious effort to resolve her issues I just couldn't remain friends with her. I had to protect my own sanity.

I miss the fun times. I miss texts and emails about everyday life. I don't miss everything else.

One minute they're there...

I've been browsing various blogs that I follow this evening and looking at ones which haven't been updated in a while. There are a few blogs which I used to always look forward to reading when a new post appeared,  which I sometimes commented on, and whose writers occasionally commented on my posts.

One minute new posts are appearing semi-regularly, the next, nothing. No more updates, no comments, no more news of their lives. I go to their blog page and find the last post is one from a year ago, or two years ago or more. In a handful of cases the blog has been deleted entirely.

I find myself wondering about the writers. Why did they stop blogging? What's happened in their lives since their last post? Are they ok? Did they get bored of blogging? Did real life get in the way? Do they just not have anything to report? As I mostly follow blogs about older virgins I wonder if they have lost their virginity and are now in a relationship and don't feel a need to blog.

I wonder what happened to Jo at Pseudo Dating, to Silencio at Forever Single, to Anomylous at Kisses from God, to tbrooke at Different Kind of Fine, to Lady Waiting Impatiently at Lady Very Much in Waiting, to Skipping Along at Skipping Along, and to others who were there one minute and gone the next.

Decision Made

In the past couple of days I have come to the decision that my friendship with T cannot continue. Or at least it cannot continue after the holiday we have coming up together in April.

A few weeks ago I was away from work for a few days when it was announced that tickets for a tour T really wanted to go to were going on sale. She texted me some dates and asked if I could make them. I replied that I wasn't sure if I'd be able to take leave from work for those dates, and as I wasn't at work couldn't check before the tickets went on sale. She replied saying not to bother, she'd just sort her tickets out and I could please myself as usual.

Over the next few days a few texts went between us about general things, no mention was made of the tickets. She sent a couple of texts telling me she felt odd, had done a few things that were out of character (nothing awful, just things like buying clothes in a colour she hates) and didn't like how she felt. I texted saying if she felt any worse to please consider getting help. Her reply said she thinks you can only get help if you have someone you can truly rely and depend on and she doesn't have that. She wants to get sorted but can't do it alone. I tried to remind her that she has me, but she then proceeded to ignore me for the next week and a half (bar one text saying remember I love you). I sent a few texts, a couple of emails and tried to phone her 3 or 4 times but got no answer.

When she did get back in touch it was with abrupt texts about practical arrangements for a show we were due to see last Saturday. I met her on Saturday before the show and went to hug her. She pulled away and said she didn't want a hug. I asked if she was okay and she snapped "I'm fine" in a way that suggested she definitely wasn't. I said she didn't seem fine and hadn't seemed fine for the past couple of weeks but she insisted she was. She then spent the rest of the day and evening chatting away about all sorts of random things as if nothing was wrong.

Yesterday afternoon she sent a text telling me that she wasn't going to do one of the day trips we'd planned to do on our upcoming holiday so I could go ahead and book for just me to do it. When I queried why she said she thought it was about time she started being inconsiderate as well. Today she has texted to tell me that I treat her like one of my staff, and not like a friend, and that the move to my new job is the worst thing I have ever done as I am no longer the lovely Katya she loves. She told me that I have hurt her so many times ( I was very tempted to reply that she has hurt me multiple times too) and that I have have her feel that we're no longer close enough for her to talk to me about any of this.

Yesterday I was coming to the conclusion that I have to tell her she must get help for her lack of self esteem, and that if she wouldn't I would have to distance myself from her. I have spoken to my best friend and to my housemate Extrovert and both said the same. Both also said T is manipulating me (something I know readers have suggested in the past as has another friend of mine).

Today I have looked through old emails from her and realised that she first mentioned depression and self esteem issues back in 2008. She has been on anti-depressants a few times over the years, and has started having counselling twice but abandoned it each time. I fear that even if she did get professional help this time I would always be waiting for the moment when she gave up on it and reverted back to treating me this way.

As I said we have a holiday together booked for April which we were both really looking forward to. It's a place she loves and has been keen to go back to for ages, I have been getting quite excited about going too. On Saturday we were talking about it as if it is still going to happen.

If we can both just act like we did on Saturday and pretend that nothing is wrong then I think maybe it can still work. From a practical point of view (i.e. the holiday is paid for and can't be cancelled and we can't afford to just not go and lose the money) I think that is what needs to happen.

After the holiday though I have to think of my own sanity. I have to tell her I can no longer cope with her repeatedly telling me I am a bad friend. I can't handle her getting angry with me over something trivial and ignoring me for weeks instead of just talking to me. I'm not strong enough to keep trying to act as her therapist. I can't keep saying the same things to her over and over again and see them have no effect whatsoever.

I'm not qualified for this

Nothing to update on the dating front since my last post. Towards the end of last year e-harmony started emailing me again out of the blue to tell me about my new matches, and to invite me to rejoin. Last year was so busy, for the most part with memorable, sometimes unforgettable, times with friends, that I didn't have the time to trawl through online dating matches. I also didn't really have much time to feel alone and boyfriendless as I had so much to do.

The whole checking matches, replying to them, arranging a date process seems so scary to me that I think I need the push of feeling alone to make me do it. This year will I think be a little less busy, so may have some alone moments to push me into perhaps rejoining e-harmony, or trying something else. We'll see.

As for the T situation, she sent me a text at the end of last year telling me to remember that when she has one of her downers/meltdowns in 2013 (which she is convinced she will) she means none of it and that I am very important to her. So progress of sorts there, as she does realise that the things she says hurt and acknowledges that they're not the truth.

At the moment I am having to deal with a household situation that I am very unsure how to handle. We had a new female housemate move in at the end of last summer. Not long after she moved in my other female housemate (I'll call her extrovert) and I started occasionally noticing what seemed to be traces of vomit in and sometimes around the toilet bowl. This has kept happening. and Extrovert and I have been cleaning it up. Also, we almost never see the new housemate eating. When I say almost never, I have seen her eat once, a bowl of soup in a restaurant when went out for Extrovert's birthday. Extrovert saw her eat on a second occasion, when Extrovert cooked both of them dinner, not long after new housemate moved in.

New housemate leaves the house before 7am on workdays and usually doesn't get home until 10.30 -11pm or later. She goes to the gym daily before and after work. All of this made us suspect that New Housemate might have bulimia. We had occasional discussions about what, if anything, we should do about it. We were worried about New Housemate's health, and were also getting a little fed up of cleaning up her vomit, so partly wanted to talk to her about it. However as she is hardly ever home we felt we don't actually know her very well, and talking to her could have been difficult.

Eventually a few weeks ago we decided to speak to her. We planned what we would say to start the conversation, we thought out possible reactions from her and prepared our responses to those reactions. We full expected her to deny she has a problem and to get angry with us. In actual fact, to cut a long story short, she admitted that she has bulimia, which felt like a huge step for her. It turns out we are the first people she has told. We encouraged her to see a doctor, and to get help, but made no demands, did not try to force her to get help, and didn't tell her to stop making herself sick. She said she felt very bad, and embarrassed, that we had had to clean up after her.

A few days ago, Extrovert and I, when putting rubbish bags into our outside bin, both noticed what appeared to be vomit on the inside of the bin. We immediately wondered if New Housemate had put a bag of vomit in the bin and it had split.

Yesterday we decided to clean the bin as we just couldn't leave it with vomit in it for the refuse collectors to face. When we opened it to take out the rubbish before cleaning it, we found a large tote bag full of plastic bags of what can only have been vomit, along with various empty food packets. We then spent the next two hours triple-bagging the vomit filled bag and washing and scrubbing the bin clean of sick. I'm not usually squeamish about cleaning mess, dirt, filth, bodily fluids etc but both Extrovert and I agreed that this was probably the most disgusting thing either of us had ever had to do. Certainly neither of us ever want to have to do it again.

I wonder whether she felt so bad about us cleaning up in the bathroom that she thought she'd avoid vomiting in there? Or perhaps she didn't want us to know that she was still vomiting? Or was trying to hide the extent of it? Extrovert sent her a text on Friday, with no mention of the bin, saying that we understand that it's going to be a slow process for her to get better, and that if she still does feel the urge, then the toilet is the most hygienic place to vomit. I really hope she will get the message and not use anywhere else. I understand that she is ill, and that she can't help needing to purge, but at the same time, it doesn't seem fair on me or Extrovert that we have to deal with cleaning up after her. We are undecided whether we ought to mention to her that we cleaned out the bin, and why.

We are trying to help and support her and trying to be understanding, and have said we are happy to listen if she ever wants to talk to us, but I have no idea whether we are handling this in the right way. If we find vomit in the bin again I suspect that we might rapidly lose understanding. I'm not a doctor, or a counsellor or in any way qualified. It feels selfish to say so, but I don't want to come home from work and have to deal with this. When I'm not at work I want to be able to relax and de-stress, not worry and stress about this situation. She has apparently made an appointment to see a doctor, so I really hope that starts the process of recovery for her.