A little bit of honesty

About time I posted an update. I haven't disappeared, it's just that life has been a little hectic recently and I haven't had chance to sit down and write, but I need to this evening.

Firstly, thank you to all those who commented on my last post for your thoughts. They gave me a lot to think about and consider and it was good to see how things look from an outsider's perspective.

The update on what happened last time is pretty short. I have to confess to failing to confront T about her behaviour. I have no real excuse, other than the times I've seen her since have been for weekends away for specific events and there was no time that seemed right for trying to speak to her. I was worried about ruining the weekend for both of us. The fact that she just got completely back to normal also made it difficult. If someone is being nice to you, and fun to be with, and acting like a friend, how do you start a discussion about what she did? If she was still being off with me it would have made it easier.

So I said nothing that time, but I have earlier today sent her an email telling her a few home truths about how I feel about something that happened yesterday. The something is as follows.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine at my workplace booked concert tickets for me, her and T. T knew she was going to try to buy them and had agreed that she wanted a ticket. T and I then owed my work friend money for the tickets. I paid a couple of days later and I assumed that T would arrange to do the same, as she has my work friend's contact details.

A couple of weeks ago Work Friend's husband was laid off at work, with no notice and no final pay cheque, leaving them and their family to live off her not very large wage. Last week she asked me to chase up T for the money she owed, as her credit card bill was due. I texted T a reminder and got a reply saying the cheque was written and would be posted in the next couple of days. The text also included a comment that she was already thousands in debt.

A couple of days ago Work Friend asked me if the cheque had arrived (we assumed it was being sent to my home address). It hadn't. Work Friend isn't the sort to chase debts up this soon in normal circumstances, but at the moment she can't afford to just wait to be paid. So I had to chase up T again which I hated doing as she had mentioned in an email earlier in the day that she was overdrawn at the bank. I did say that if the cheque had go stuck in the post, I could pay for now, thinking this was way out or her if she was in financial trouble.

Her response to my chasing arrived yesterday and it really angered me and is what prompted me to be honest with her. Her email, and my reactions, basically went like this:

- the cheque is written but will bounce as she won't get paid till July (ok, she has just moved to a new job and is paid in arrears, but as she only left the last job last week she should not be struggling for money yet, how the hell is she so overdrawn?)
- she has had to take a pay cut to move to the new job
- she can put the cheque in the post but it will bounce (this really angered me - there is no point posting it if it will bounce so why bother saying she can post it?)
- she can go to the bank and get money from her other bank account, but not until Saturday (fair enough, her work is not near the bank)and she might not even be able to do it on Saturday as she has appointments (EXCUSE ME???? You have a debt to pay. The person you owe it to has asked for it. You should be making every effort to get the money to her. You cannot say you might not be able to get to the bank. You make damn sure
you get there and sort the money out).
- if it is vital that this gets sorted this afternoon then Work Friend and I will have to work out what needs to be done (first, I never said it needed sorting this afternoon, I said this week. Second, this suggests she can't pay this afternoon but she can pay tomorrow, which is not the case. And third, why the hell should we have to sort anything out between ourselves? This is not my debt, it is hers)

The general tone of the email was one of feeling sorry for herself and of not taking responsibility for her debt. There was no apology for not being able to pay and no sign of feeling bad about it. There was also no real acknowledgement of my offer to pay. I would have been mortified to be in her position, would have felt absolutely awful about it and would have found the money somehow.

I should point out that at this point I'm not sure that I'd told her about Work Friend's husband. However, that shouldn't make any difference. If someone asks you to pay a debt they are asking because they need the money and you pay them. My first instinct was to email back telling her to grow up and be responsible, but that would have felt as if I was being nasty, so my initial response was an email telling her she's not a failure, offering again to pay so that she owed me instead, and offering my thoughts and advice on her finances if she wanted. I also told her about Work Friend's husband so she knew why the money is needed. She is not at all happy with life this week and I didn't want to add to her unhappiness.

However, last night I couldn't stop thinking about her email, her seeming expectation that I should sort out her debt, and her apparent lack of concern over it. Her only worries seemed to be about her own life and finances, there was no thought about my Work Friend. I did give my Work Friend a cheque myself as I cannot let her be out of pocket and I have no idea when T will manage to sort out the money, but I hated being put in that position.

So I emailed my friend E today with the whole story and her advice was once again that if she were me, she would be honest. And this time I finally followed her advice. I think the trigger was that T's behaviour is now affecting someone other than me. I spent my lunch hour and some time after work composing an email. I tried to be honest, but not unpleasant. I do care about her, but she does need to know how this email came across and how angry it made me.

I told her that it is her debt and that she is responsible for paying it, that I understand that money is tight, but she can't expect people to just wait until she is able to pay, and that her email came across as a bit dismissive. I told that I care about her but that I need to be honest with her otherwise I will dwell on this and end up even angrier. I fully expect to either be ignored or to receive an email ending the friendship. Funnily enough, when I was partway through writing the email, I got a short chatty message from her about something not particularly important. No mention of my email from yesterday, nothing at all about the money she owes.

She does need to grow up and be responsible. She was in a financial mess late last year but paid off her debts and set up a savings account and I thought all was well. However I don't think she understands the concept of living within her means. She has a full time job. She lives with her parents so doesn't have proper rent and bills to pay, just board money to her parents. She should have a reasonable amount of disposable income. She should not be thousands of pounds in debt.

I think that living with her parents is one of the reasons why she is in debt. If she can't pay her board, there are no consequences. She won't be at risk of losing her home. She won't have her electricity cut off. She won't be unable to put food on the table. She hasn't learnt how to be responsible with her money, that in the real world you can't buy endless CDs, concert tickets and clothes, you need to make sure you can afford them. She talks about only living once and that you should do things that you want to do rather than regret not doing them, which is a philosophy I tend to agree with, but not to the extent of putting myself into that much debt.

Pressing send on the email felt right. Yes, she has problems of her own, but that does not excuse her behavior. I was a little hesitant about doing it by email rather than in person, but I don't know that I could manage to say it all in person.

I await her response, or lack of.

A very unexpected reply

Well, this I really was not expecting. The guy I responded to sort of truthfully about why I joined e-harmony has actually replied to my questions. So he has read my possibly a little too to the point answer, knows feelings of mine that I haven't shared with some of my closest friends, and yet he has still responded. I'm not quite sure how to react.

I asked him the same question about why he joined e-harmony and his answer suggests he hasn't exactly had hundreds of relationships himself, which is fine by me. And he loves travelling, as do I. And he can spell and use correct grammar which is always a plus. Now I just need to pluck up the courage to send him an email and see what happens from there.

A mutual lack of understanding

I saw my friend T (she of the relationship with the married man) on Friday. I told her about E and A moving in together and how it had made me feel. I used to speak to her quite a lot about my feelings for and attraction to A, before he and E started dating.

Anyway, on Friday she said all the “right” things: that it had been his loss, that I was too good for him, that it didn’t happen because there someone better out there for me (Yeah right. Where the hell has he got to then?). She also said she sort of understood how I had felt because she’d felt something similar about her married guy going home to his wife each evening and ultimately choosing his wife over her.

But she doesn’t really, truly understand, whether it’s about A or about my (lack of) love life in general. She’s had boyfriends. She’s had sex. She may have been rejected but she has also been wanted and been loved. She knows that she can attract men. She knows that she is capable of forming a relationship. She’s got over the hurdle of losing her virginity.

She isn’t afraid that the rejection means that there is something fundamentally wrong with her. She doesn’t wonder why it is that, as well as A, nobody else has ever wanted her either. She doesn’t think that maybe she’s just too unattractive. She isn’t worried that starting to date a man will mean having to tell him she is a virgin. She doesn’t know what it’s like to want to be in a relationship, but at the same time to be terrified of starting a relationship because all the “firsts” it would entail make it seem an enormous leap. She doesn’t feel like a naive teenager.

She doesn’t know that I’m a virgin and have never had a boyfriend, so she believes that she really does understand.

In return, I don’t really understand things that go on in her life. Her potential relationship with the much older guy hasn’t developed into anything yet and she is unsure what’s going on and confused by the way he’s acting. She told me all about it and obviously wanted some advice, which I tried to give her, but really I have no idea what I’m talking about. I can’t relate to the situation she is in at all. My advice tends to be just what I think would be the sensible thing to do, but it isn’t taken from any personal experience whatsoever.

And because she doesn’t know that I’m a virgin and have never had a boyfriend, she believes that I really do understand.

I’ve never really questioned what, if anything, this mutual lack of understanding means for our friendship. Yes, there are things she doesn’t know about me. But she cares about me and I care about her. She wants me to be happy. She can still give me advice, even without fully understanding. She seems to want and value my advice (although she doesn’t always listen to it), so it seems me not fully understanding doesn’t really matter either.

It would be nice to open up and be honest with her about my virginity because it does feel occasionally as if I’m lying to her, but weighing it all up, I don’t think it is essential for her to know. My best friend knows and it feels right that she does. But in general if my other friends wouldn’t understand or be able to relate to it, for the moment I don’t think they need to know and I don’t want them to know. One day I may be ready to tell more of my friends and even to talk about it with them. Right now, I’m okay with knowing that there are others out there in the blogosphere who do get it and do understand.