So apparently I'm not the world's best party guest

Although I probably knew that about myself already. I went to my ex-housemate, the Scientist's birthday party the other evening. It was at her house and I said I'd go because I like her and because I would hate it if I was throwing a party and nobody came. I wasn't really that keen though, and would have preferred to sit at home with the TV or some music and a book.

I think I've mentioned previously that I'm not good in large groups of people. Well, the party was no exception. The only people I knew there were the Scientist, her housemate, and the Scientist's ex-work colleague. The rest were mostly people she knows from a musical activity she does. I spent some time talking to her, a little talking to her housemate, and most of the evening talking to the ex-work colleague. I will certainly never be one of those people who wanders around all the rooms at a house party chatting to everyone.

That bit of the evening was ok, especially when the ex-work colleague confessed that she didn't like house parties either. Unfortunately she had to leave fairly early and I ended up sitting with six or seven people I didn't know, listening to them talking and trying to smile or laugh at the appropriate points. I think I contributed about two comments, excluding telling them where I work when they asked.

I stayed late enough not to look rude then decided to leave. I got up and made my way out of the room, and I'm sure as I went one or two of the people made comments about having scared me off. I guess they may have thought I was unfriendly and rude as I didn't talk much, but surely there's no need to comment while I'm still in the room? I must have become much thicker skinned over the years because it didn't actually bother me. I just thought "oh well, their problem not mine".

I'm not entirely sure where I am going with this post. At 35 I know I'm not suddenly going to be able to change my whole character and become the life and soul of the party. I just wish I came across as a semi-confident, interesting person, rather than an extremely shy, socially maladjusted one. All the advice about going out and doing things making it easier to meet men is all very well, but it's not going to work if I can only manage to speak to people I already know.

Lethargy

It's been a while and there isn't a great deal to report. I've become sort of lethargic about the whole online dating thing. There's been a few more longish messages between me and Scarf Guy, but he has made no mention of meeting up. Even if he had I haven't had many free weekends recently. I've had a few get togethers with friends and I've been on holiday and the few times I have had a weekend to myself I've just felt like vegging. Yes I could have suggested meeting myself, but I think the fact that I didn't probably indicates that I'm not that interested in him.

I've had the odd bit of interest from a couple of other eharmony guys but at the moment I'm really just feeling "can't be bothered" about it all. I can't put my finger on why. Maybe it feels like hard work? Harder than meeting someone in real life, getting to know them and things developing from there. I know though that if I don't make the effort I can't really sit around and complain. The ideal man isn't just going to appear from nowhere. But how I go about getting back my enthusiasm and energy I'm not sure.

I still have enthusiasm and energy in the rest of my life. I had a great, fun time on holiday with T, I've been happy spending time with friends and I had a really entertaining evening with my work colleagues the other week. I have various "dates" in my diary for the next month or two. Trouble is, none of them are with men.