Is he, or isn't he?

Sooo, it's been a while. First things first, over two years since my last post I am still a virgin and have still never had a boyfriend. I do own my own home, the apartment I was trying to buy last time I blogged. Well, technically the bank currently owns most of it, but I live here by myself with all my own furniture and all my own belongings, and I don't have any random housemates hogging the kitchen or bathroom, or wanting to talk in the evening when I just want to relax and be an introvert :) I sometimes have a mild panic about owning my own home and that if anything goes wrong or breaks I have to fix it myself, or pay to get it fixed, but that's the only downside I have found so far.

I've had a mainly fun couple of years - I've spent time with friends, been to concerts, gone on holidays solo, with friends and with family. My 40th birthday came and went without any particular stress about being "old".  I still get emails from eHarmony telling me about matches, but I haven't opened any for ages, they go straight to trash. I haven't felt like trying online dating again. For the most part, I think I have come to some sort of acceptance that I am highly likely to be single for the rest of my life. 

And then, over the past few weeks something has been happening which has got me a little confused, a little excited, a little frustrated and a little nervous. There's a guy at work. Let's call him Shy Guy, because he is a little shy. He's a really nice, friendly, gentlemanly guy, and is quite attractive. I've known him since I started in this job, but until recently had only thought of him as a colleague as he has had a girlfriend for much of the time I've known him, plus he is a bit younger than me.

Earlier this year he got a new job at the same grade as me and since then has occasionally asked me for help/advice/tips, so we've spent a bit more time with each other at work than we used to, and I started to feel quite comfortable and at ease around him and able to be myself.   

A few weeks ago a few of us who are on the same grade had a bad week at work, so I suggested I organise a night out for us, dinner and a few drinks. Since I made that suggestion, it feels as if something might possibly be developing between us, and I think (but may be completely misinterpreting things) that he is showing signs of being interested in me.

Not long after I suggested a night out, he texted me one evening after he'd left work late to say we definitely needed to arrange it. I suggested a date and venue and invited people, and three of us agreed to go. In the couple of weeks before the dinner, he asked me several times if I was still able to go, and twice when the third person wasn't sure if he could make the day or time, Shy Guy said just the two of us should go (at the time I thought he said it jokingly, now I'm not too sure). 

In the end Shy Guy and had went for a couple of drinks on our own, and were then joined for dinner by the other guy. I felt fairly comfortable having drinks with him, and only a little nervous as it was officially just drinks with a work friend, rather than a date. We're both quite shy but we kept the conversation going and there weren't too many awkward silences, and I started to feel as if I would quite like to be more than friends with him. Later that evening, after I got home he texted to thank me for organising, saying he enjoyed the meal and the company. I thought he was just being polite....

The following week, after I'd had a stressful day at work he texted me completely out of the blue to say I looked like I could have done with a coffee, and that we could go grab one sometime if I liked. I replied that would be great. So, we had coffee one lunchtime later that week. We talked about a mix of work and non-work things. There were some silences, but at the same time the hour didn't drag and I didn't at any point wish the time was over. 

Since then we've had coffee a couple more times, once initiated by him, and once by me when I desperately wanted to text him one evening last week but didn't want to text something random with no reason and come across as needy, or trying to get a reply, Instead I just sent "fancy coffee tomorrow?" His yes came back within a minute, followed quickly by a how was your day. 

We've had a few other text chats, some started by me, some by him. Nothing particularly flirty, more just getting to know each other. 

The last time we went for coffee he stood very close to me as we queued, and was right in my personal space. Ordinarily with someone else I think I would have moved away, but it didn't feel uncomfortable being that close so I stayed where I was.

He's asking me a lot of questions, and is remembering everything I say to him, even the most mundane things (such as I mentioned before we left work that I was probably having eggs for dinner that evening, he asked me the next day if I'd had the eggs)

If by around mid morning at work we haven't seen each other, when I pass his office he calls out "Morning Katya" or "Hello Katya", and is very smiley when I put my head round the door to say hi, or go into the office to chat for a couple of minutes. 

There are quite a lot of smiles and laughs from him when we're talking. 

I am rubbish at reading body language so I'm not going to attempt to interpret his. 

The result of all of this is I am spending a fair bit of time wondering whether or not he is interested in me, some time getting frustrated that he hasn't asked me on an official date, some time being nervous about what happens if he does ask me on a date, some time wondering if dating a work colleague is a good idea, and some time being excited about what might happen. 

Little to report

Long time, no post. There's been no particular reason for the lack of blogging, I just haven't really felt in the mood to write. I have been keeping up with me favourite blogs, though haven't managed to do much commenting either.

So, a few updates. T hasn't really moved on much. On the surface she mostly appears okay, is functioning normally, and has cut back a lot on alcohol (she was drinking daily). But she says she is still in love with the idiot guy and described him at one point as an addiction.

A couple of times I have felt our friendship has been threatened by how she feels. Once, she said I sounded disapproving in a phone conversation with her of her wish to stay friends with him, and said if I couldn't support her we might have to talk about whether we could remain friends. We got past that, and on another occasion after she had said she didn't think she could cope with how she felt much longer, I suggested she see her doctor and get referred to a psychologist (which she was referred to a year or two ago for self esteem issues, but because of an admin error never had an appointment). She texted "Goodbye" to me, saying that a doctor can't fix everything and can't stop you loving someone. She went AWOL on me for a week or two then sent a text which said simply "sorry". She occasionally mentions how awful she still feels but I haven't had to play counsellor too much since then, so I think maybe she is aware of how draining I was finding it. She did send me a lovely note at Christmas thanking me for keeping her going and it was nice to know she appreciates me. Despite everything we have had some really fun times over the past few months, when hopefully she has managed to forget him briefly and enjoy herself.

As for me, there have been no more dates. I am still a member of eHarmony but rather inactive. I have hundreds of matches I haven't even looked at. I got really fed up with sending men questions and not hearing back from any of them. Surely one of them at some point has to find me interesting? And I don't think I have been attracted to a single man who has sent me questions. Some are much older than me, others have been really overweight, which I really don't find attractive, others just sound plain boring.

I feel as if I have reached the point where I just can't be bothered. I haven't cried about being single for a long time. I'm not sure I've even felt particularly sad. But I'm not really happy and content with it either. I just don't really seem to feel anything. Have I become really hard? Have I lost the ability to feel sadness about something that I have been sad about for years? I still fantasise about what it would be like to be in a relationship which I think means I still want to be in one, so why am I am not pushing myself to do something about it?

Sort of, kind of, maybe...

As I said in my last post I haven’t admitted it to anyone, not even really to myself, that there’s someone I think I might sort of like. I think Ecrivain’s comment about how not acknowledging something makes it easier to deal with was spot on.

In this situation I think that I’ve been trying to ignore what I might be feeling, because then I can just carry on treating him as a friendly colleague, and I don't have to worry about dealing with the myriad of stresses that go with liking someone, such as hiding my feelings for fear of making a fool out of myself. I'm not sure quite how it works, because after all the feelings are still there even if you ignore them, but it does seem to, to a certain extent at least.

Anyway, the guy in question is G, the one from work who regularly wanders into my office to chat (and I think I’ll nickname him Chatty Guy as it seems more suitable to his personality than just G). He’s worked within my department for a couple of years, but it’s only really since earlier this year that he’s been visiting my office to chat. I’ve always thought he was a fairly good looking guy, and the more he’s chatted to me, the more I’ve thought I quite like his personality too. There’s no spectacular fireworks going on, but we chat and joke and get on (I don’t really expect or want fireworks anyway. None of my friends who are in happy relationships have had that so I don’t feel it’s at all essential).

When I first starting realising the possibility that I might like him a couple of months ago, I confess I did spent a short amount of time thinking about whether he might be interested in me and came up with a mental list of reasons to think he is and reasons to think he isn’t.

The reasons to think he is were:

- He visits my office regularly to chat to me, and specifically me
- He often stays for so long that even though I like talking to him I start thinking he should go in case my colleagues think he’s taking up too much of my time
- He jokes around with me and teases me a fair bit. A lot actually.

The reasons to think he’s not were:

- He tends to talk about himself and things he’s up to, rather than asking about me and my life (I have read that some men talk at length about themselves if they’re nervous speaking to a woman but the pessimist in me doesn’t really believe that)
- He jokes around with a lot of people, and teases his female friends on a social networking site
- He’s turned down invites from me to go out for a drink/meal with me and a couple of other colleagues (although he has come along to a couple of group things which I'd forgotten all about when I said I'd never seen him outside work). If he was interested wouldn’t he take every opportunity to spend time with me?
- He mentions that other women are “hot” to me and to other men in front of me
- He hasn’t asked me out...

On balance I concluded he wasn’t interested and stuck to not admitting how I thought I might feel. It seemed to work and I’ve carried on chatting to him since in a friendly way, without feeling any stress and without engaging in any over analysis of his behaviour.

It was the department’s Christmas dinner the other evening. He was there and nothing happened to change what I’d already decided. I had hoped that I would get chance to chat to him, outside of the office, and that I might be able to gauge whether I’d reached the right conclusion, but the opportunity never arose. There were some group conversations, but I didn’t get to speak to him one on one.

He did carry on with the teasing. And I did get hold of his mobile phone number, given to me by one of our other colleagues so I could check his whereabouts. The evening itself was quite pleasant but I did wake up the following morning feeling just a little disappointed.

I’m not entirely sure what, if anything, to do next. I could just carry on ignoring how I might feel so I don’t have to deal with it, especially as I don’t think there’s any chance with him. I could admit it properly to myself and attempt to give him some of my far too subtle I’m-interested-in-you signs (which probably need to be a little less subtle) and see if I get any back. Or I could mention it to my friend E, as she knows both of us and might be able to give an objective opinion on his interest or lack of it.

Memories

This afternoon I have been sitting at my desk feeling as if I might be about to cry.

My friends who are a couple, E and A, are moving in together. The female half of the couple, E, told me. It is really good news: they seem very happy together, are well suited to each other and definitely click.

The reason I feel like crying is the memories it brings back. A is someone who, for what seemed like an age, I was attracted to, had feelings for and who I wanted to date.

I never told him how I felt.

I made every effort to spend as much time as possible with him. I tried to flirt with him (I think I failed). I attempted to give him signals that would make it obvious that I was interested. I analysed everything he did and said for signs of interest. I discussed with friends (E, and T, the friend who was seeing the married guy) what I should do. But I didn’t say anything and I don’t think he realised.

As more and more time passed with nothing happening, I knew I should stop kidding myself that he was just shy, but I still naively hoped. Eventually I got to the point where I felt as if I would go crazy if I didn’t know for certain whether I had a chance with him. Even if the answer was no, I had to know. I planned to tell him how I felt. I drafted the wording of a letter or email (there was no way I could do it face to face).

Then he asked E out.

She said yes. I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. E and I talked about it. We agreed that neither of us wanted it to ruin our friendship. It took me quite some time to work through the feelings the whole thing left me with. I’m still friends with both of them, and I’m glad of that because I really value their friendship. They are great together and I don't know that he and I would have been, and I’m sure in a few days time I will be fine with it again.

But today....Today made me remember how long I liked him for and how much. It made me remember the huge amount of time and energy I expended on liking him and on trying to work out if he liked me. It made me remember how I wished one day to be in E’s position. It made me remember the occasions when he said something that made me think I stood a chance. And it made me remember that he chose someone else. And that made me want to cry.