So far so good

A quick update on eharmony. Of the many guys I sent questions to, four of them actually replied and sent questions of their own.

With two of them I responded to their questions straight away as I liked their answers. One of them I closed immediately as his answer to my question about the need for time for personal reflection in a relationship was the one which said he basically doesn't need any. I may have no relationship experience, but I know how I am in my friendships and in how I interact with people generally and I do need time to myself and I think I would feel suffocated if I spent every minute of every day outside work with one other person.

As for the 4th guy, I have just sent my answers to him after debating for a while over what to do. His personal reflection answer was also erring on the side of not needing much, but slightly less so that the first guy. I like his profile more so have carried on communicating. I couldn't give up completely on having personal time to myself, but I could compromise a little for someone who was right in other ways, and I hope the right person for me could do the same.

Of the first two matches who I have sent responses to, I have exchanged Must haves and can't stands with both of them, and one (I'll call him the Younger Man, because he is indeed younger than me) has sent open ended questions.

A few guys have sent me questions and ice breakers but I haven't found any of them particularly interesting or attractive. At least some of the ones I'm interested in seem to be interested back, which does give me some confidence that I come across as someone worth getting to know.

Is he for real?

I have just spent several minutes looking at someone's eHarmony profile trying to work out whether he is being serious or not. I am sure the look of puzzlement/disbelief/confusion/amusement on my face was an absolute picture.

This guy has sent me questions so I checked his profile. His "name one thing you are passionate about" lists numerous items (not a problem, most people give more than one), one of which was he is an unpublished writer with a fear of being ostracised by society if he writes his thoughts down. That sounded a little odd but we all have our quirks so I read on.

The most influential person in his life has been himself. Ok, so he's very self confident.

Next, the one thing he wishes people would notice about him. He does start by acknowledging that it will sound like he is boasting, then goes on to say that women always fail to see that he is far better than most men. He says that they don't see that they will have a much better family life with him and that they fail to see beyond his racial stereotype. And almost as an afterthought he states that he comes from a superior breed (naturally selected) and hence "our offspring will do very well".

I stopped reading at this point to have a bit of a "What??? Did he really write that???" moment. I then carried on and wasn't surprised to find the rest of his profile in the same vein.

The things he can't live without included food and sex and sharing his life with someone deserving. So should I feel privileged that he seems to think I might be deserving???

The first things people notice about him are his public school accent and his confidence and assertiveness. Well, yes, I can imagine his confidence would be noticeable to say the least.

His answer to some additional information he wants matches to know declares that she shouldn't make any assumptions about him until we have meet at least twice, and concludes with "Its an awful shame on all you good women out there that i am still single".

Oh, and he also spelt sharing as shearing and achieving as archiving. Which was obviously the dealbreaker for me and the only reason I just pressed archive this match despite him being so much better than most men ;)

I have concluded that he has either joined up to have a laugh, or there really are men out there who think like that. Luckily I am communicating with a couple of fairly normal sounding guys so it's not a complete disaster on the online dating front, but more of that once I've recovered from reading all about Mr Super Confident.

Giving myself a push

After G/W's gentle push at me (thank you G/W) to keep hoping and walking because good things are just around the corner, I have given myself a push and spent the last couple of hours ploughing through my eHarmony matches. I haven't made much of a dent in them and did at one point wish for an archive all function, or at least the chance to multi select a few matches and archive those. I was going to try to archive all matches older than a couple of months to give myself a manageable number to actually read properly, but I soon realised that would have taken me days so decided to just look through the newer matches and ignore the older ones.

I ended up archiving a fair few of the newer matches. Some sounded like interesting people but not interesting to me, some had such sparse profiles that there was no way to tell if I'd want to get to know them, one rattled on about "symbiotic relationships" which seemed a bit highbrow for an online dating profile and some were just plain odd. Once guy, in answer to the "list 3 things you are thankful for question" said this (and it was all in upper case):
FAIR RENUMARATION (his spelling error)
BEAUTY
HONESTY
Well I am thankful I am fairly paid but it seems an odd thing to put on a list like that. It is good that people are honest, but does he mean he is thankful that honesty exists, that he is honest, that others are honest?? And beauty - his? Women's? Another guy put "handsome" as one of his. One assumes he is thankful that he is handsome. He went straight onto the archived list...

I did send questions to a few guys who seemed interesting and appealed to me so we shall wait and see what happens. I will attempt to keep up with my matches this time and try not to get too disheartened when people don't reply. I will also attempt to post about progress or lack of so if I start sounding like giving up again please give me another push. There is nobody in real life who seems interested in me or who I have a spark with, so online dating seems to be the way to go at the moment.

Little to report

Long time, no post. There's been no particular reason for the lack of blogging, I just haven't really felt in the mood to write. I have been keeping up with me favourite blogs, though haven't managed to do much commenting either.

So, a few updates. T hasn't really moved on much. On the surface she mostly appears okay, is functioning normally, and has cut back a lot on alcohol (she was drinking daily). But she says she is still in love with the idiot guy and described him at one point as an addiction.

A couple of times I have felt our friendship has been threatened by how she feels. Once, she said I sounded disapproving in a phone conversation with her of her wish to stay friends with him, and said if I couldn't support her we might have to talk about whether we could remain friends. We got past that, and on another occasion after she had said she didn't think she could cope with how she felt much longer, I suggested she see her doctor and get referred to a psychologist (which she was referred to a year or two ago for self esteem issues, but because of an admin error never had an appointment). She texted "Goodbye" to me, saying that a doctor can't fix everything and can't stop you loving someone. She went AWOL on me for a week or two then sent a text which said simply "sorry". She occasionally mentions how awful she still feels but I haven't had to play counsellor too much since then, so I think maybe she is aware of how draining I was finding it. She did send me a lovely note at Christmas thanking me for keeping her going and it was nice to know she appreciates me. Despite everything we have had some really fun times over the past few months, when hopefully she has managed to forget him briefly and enjoy herself.

As for me, there have been no more dates. I am still a member of eHarmony but rather inactive. I have hundreds of matches I haven't even looked at. I got really fed up with sending men questions and not hearing back from any of them. Surely one of them at some point has to find me interesting? And I don't think I have been attracted to a single man who has sent me questions. Some are much older than me, others have been really overweight, which I really don't find attractive, others just sound plain boring.

I feel as if I have reached the point where I just can't be bothered. I haven't cried about being single for a long time. I'm not sure I've even felt particularly sad. But I'm not really happy and content with it either. I just don't really seem to feel anything. Have I become really hard? Have I lost the ability to feel sadness about something that I have been sad about for years? I still fantasise about what it would be like to be in a relationship which I think means I still want to be in one, so why am I am not pushing myself to do something about it?

How do I say no?

Now I have a text message from eHarmony guy to reply to. He texted Tuesday to ask how a sponsored swim I did at the weekend went. I was busy Tuesday evening and didn't get around to replying. I thought that might give him a signal that I wasn't really interested but then yesterday evening while I was out with friends he texted to ask how I was and whether I wanted to meet up again.

I am struggling to know how to respond. I don't want to meet him again, but am not sure how to put that politely. I also don't know whether I need to, or should, explain why not. I suppost I could just say I didn't feel there was any chemistry between us, but it sounds a bit like a scripted answer, the sort that eHarmony uses (or used to, they don't seem to want a reason anymore when closing matches).

Left behind yet again

That guy I mentioned a few posts back who was flirting with my friend T? He is now officially her boyfriend. So again, I am the odd one out, the only single person among my female friends. I spoke to her earlier and she says today is the happiest day of her life and she can't stop smiling. And that is great, I love her to bits and she deserves some happiness after a tough last year or two.

But it makes me dwell even more on what the hell is wrong with me that I have reached my age without having a boyfriend. T has known this guy for about a month. He has worked in her office for a couple of weeks and been flirting with her for a little less than that. She is not the type of woman who goes from guy to guy and is never single, far from it in fact. She is not very confident with men and has, to my knowledge, had 3 relationships. But she does at least attract men, which is more than I do apparently.

None of the guys I contacted on eHarmony have responded and nobody has contacted me. I've just been on the site a fired off more questions to a few more guys. I don't know what else I can do. I'm trying, I signed up for online dating, I'm contacting guys, but it's not getting me anywhere.

Not great, but ok

Thank you to everyone for all the advice and encouragement. My worries about the date seemed so silly, so it was a help to know that I'm not the only grown woman concerned about things such as whether she might be a bad kisser.

Anyway, onto the date. I've pretty much summed it up in the title. I wouldn't describe it as a great date, but it was ok, and certainly better than the other two dates I've been on in my life.

I arrived early at the pub and was queuing to buy myself a drink at the bar when I recognised him walking past the window. He didn't however come in straight away (he later said he had walked round the block so he wasn't too early) so I bought myself a drink. I have no idea if that's the done thing on a date, but when I arrive at a pub or bar first when meeting friends, I always buy myself a drink before sitting down. My friends would do the same. None of us would just sit down and wait, so I guess I just did what felt comfortable and natural to me. He walked in as I looking for somewhere to sit. He got himself a drink and we sat down.

And so the date proper...I didn't feel quite as nervous as I thought I would. We managed to keep the conversation going with not too many awkward silences. I learned a bit about him, and he learned a bit about me. There was some laughter, and we chatted a little about an interest we have in common. I didn't hate it and I didn't hate him.

However, I don't think I liked him either, not in the way I would need to go on and have further dates with him. A few times during the evening I found myself not very interested in what he was saying (I feel a bit mean saying that, as I'm sure he found me boring at times too). I'm not sure that I felt any spark, or chemistry, or whatever you want to call it. Although as I've not felt it ever before I wouldn't know what it felt like, but I'm sure I would have known if it had been there. There were a couple of quite negative comments he made about other people which weren't really something you would say to someone you were trying to make a good impression with.

One thing which didn't impress me at all was something he said about his job, which suggested he doesn't work all the hours he is paid for, and has not been doing so for some time. He seemed to be sort of proud of it and said his boss doesn't know about it. Now I'm not a workaholic and work is not by any means the most important thing in my life, but I am fairly conscientious at work, and this attitude just didn't seem "right" to me.

He offered to buy another drink at 10pm, but as I have to get up quite early for work I declined. I suspect that had I felt there was a possibility that I would want to see him again, I would have accepted. There was no kiss, not even a hug. I certainly didn't feel that I wanted to kiss or hug him, and I guess either he felt the same, or I was giving off "I don't want you to touch me" vibes.

Today, thinking back to last night, I realise that I have no particular urge to see him again, or to get to know him better, which I suppose may be an indication the chemistry wasn't there. Despite that, it was good to go on a date, to get over that hurdle of my first date in years, and to have it be not a complete disaster. It was certainly a good idea to meet him sooner rather than later. I will keep plugging away with eHarmony for the moment and see where it takes me.

OK, now I'm panicking

I've just made the mistake of googling for advice on first dates, and have found all sorts of articles about kissing at the end of the date. I'm sure I will manage to converse with him in some way, I think I can seem interesting, I may even be able to make him laugh, but I have no idea how to kiss and am utterly convinced that if it happens I will screw it up. And therefore I am now dreading the end of the date.

And what's with all the online advice which says that you really must kiss on the first date, and if you don't then it means there was no chemistry, or you don't like each other? Is there something wrong with wanting to spend more than a couple of hours with someone before kissing them?

I hate being a 35 year old woman with the relationship and dating experience of a teenager.

Why does this not seem real?

The date appears to still be going ahead on Tuesday, but I've gone from panic last week, to feeling sort of calm. I think it's been so long since I went on a date that it doesn't seem real or possible that I'm going on one.

I decided that on safety grounds, as I will be getting to the date by public transport, I should probably make it in my city so I am somewhere I know and will know all the options for getting home. I asked if he was okay coming here and said I could find us somewhere for dinner or a drink. He's replied that it would be good to "meet for a drink" on Tuesday, which is a little annoying as I was banking on being able to eat to fill any awkward silences. I guess maybe he doesn't want to commit to a full on dinner in case we don't get on, or things go badly?

He did suggest a venue, or rather a particular street in the city, which is known for good, fairly stylish, bars and restaurants, so he gets plus points for that. I will probably eat something small before going out, and if we're getting on I can always suggest that we grab some dinner. He's given me his email address in case I prefer to communicate that way. I've just emailed him and let know what time I can make it on Tuesday.

I am pretty sure that at some point before Tuesday it will all seem scarily real and I will panic again, but I know I will need to relax and try not to put too much pressure on myself to have a "successful" date. I did go into eharmony earlier and send off some initial questions to a few other interesting sounding guys. I don't want to be putting all my efforts and focus on this one, in case it doesn't go well.

Yes, I'm single, no I'm not dating

First things first, the latest with the guy from eharmony. I mailed him when I got back from my weekend away and suggested some evenings when I am free to meet. He replied last night and is busy this weekend, but can do next Tuesday.

Which means I may have a date next Tuesday. Crap. I've only been on two dates in my life and neither was a success. I have too many things to think about, too many decisions to make. He asked where I want to meet. He lives in a town about a 15 minute train ride from my city, so I need to decide whether we meet here or there. If here, I have no idea where we would go. I don't eat out here very often so don't know the best places to go, and the only pubs and bars I know I risk bumping into people I know. So there may be easier.

And what does one wear on a midweek date? Hell, what does one wear on a date full stop? I'm a casual, jeans and a t-shirt or jumper or hoodie kind of girl. Do I stick with jeans but dress up my top half? Do I dress up my top and bottom halves?

If he doesn't suggest what we could do, what should I suggest? Dinner? Or is it too presumptuous to assume he'll want to spend money on dinner, even just his own? If we do go to dinner, do I pay for myself? With female friends I pretty much always do, with male friends I always try to, but the offer is sometimes refused. Should I get out my money when the bill comes and see what he says? I'm sure there will be more questions before Tuesday.

Away from date stress, I had a great weekend at the wedding. It was lovely to be in a different part of the country for a few days and to see friends, the wedding service was lovely, I ate well at the wedding breakfast (and for the rest of the weekend), I danced lots and may have drunk a little too much.

The only downside was a couple of queries about my relationship status. One was from a female ex-colleague who asked "are you single?" over dinner with the girls on the Friday evening. I said yes, still single and tried to laugh it off, mumbling something about working with mostly women and unattractive men. There was a bit of an awkward silence and in truth I felt quite embarrassed to be having to tell her that I was still single. She's never known me to be anything else. On the evening of the wedding, during the disco, a male ex-colleague asked if I was seeing anyone and again I had to say no, and wondered if he thought I was a freak, or a lesbian.

I did feel a bit down on my way home. I had said goodbye to the bride and groom the day after the wedding and they were off on honeymoon together. The colleague who asked if I was single drove home to her husband and children. E and A took me to the station to catch my train, and then went off together. And I travelled home alone and came back to an empty house.

A busy time at work has taken my mind off things since, until today. It seems T has a guy a work who has been flirting with her and may be interested in her. She says she's smiled more today than she has in months. I'm happy for her but I am also wondering how this is happening for her a couple of months after starting the job and only a week or two after meeting him. I've been in my new job well over a year and nothing, nobody. Yes I know it is a terribly cliched way for an eternally single person to feel but I can't help it.

Nothing to report

No news on the e-harmony front I'm afraid. I emailed him on the same day as my last blog post, he replied the next day. I'd mentioned that life was a bit busy at the moment but that it would be good to meet, he said that things were hectic for him too but he'd like to meet. So far so good.

I was away visiting my best friend last weekend, and he was out of the country. I meant to email him early this week, but have had a ridiculously busy time at work and haven't really been in in the right mood. I've turned on my laptop in the evenings but have tended to only have the energy to stare at the screen, rather than come up with something to write. I finally replied to him last night.

I feel bad for taking so long to do so, and part of me is thinking that I'm deliberately avoiding emailing so as to push a possible meeting further into the future. I know that is probably the worst thing I can do. I just need to arrange a date and get it over and done with. It can't be as bad as I am imagining, and once I've been on one date, hopefully my fear and nervousness will subside a little. I am away next weekend, but have told him that I am free the weekend after and also have some free evenings this week and next.

I'm still having fun with friends. My best friend and I went out to the big city last weekend, just the two of us, without her husband and children. We used to do that a fair bit when she was single, and it was long overdue. We both had great fun. E and A visited today and we did some exploring of the local area. I'm off to a wedding next weekend, which should be fun, but is also likely to remind me of my lack of relationship as I'll be one of the only guest without a "plus one".

Bravery may not be needed

His latest email ended by saying it would be great to meet up and have a chat when he gets back from a long weekend away, so I may not have to make the suggestion myself.

Of course I will still have to summon up the courage to actually go along and meet him in person. I am likely to be absolutely terrified, worried about what to say and nervous about awkward silences. I think I am just plain scared of any man who might be a potential boyfriend.

I am actually pretty busy at weekends the next couple of months so I'm not quite sure when this meeting up could take place. He lives close enough that we could meet in the evening but then that would probably have to involve dinner, and I think I'd rather have a shorter date to start with, maybe just a coffee. If it goes well it can be extended, but if it goes badly we're not stuck in a restaurant until we've finished eating.

Well, he still sounds interesting

I sent the email. I tried not to make it too long and rambling, gave a bit of information about myself and talked about my plans for Easter. He replied within a day or two and I found that an major interest of mine which I'd mentioned in my email is something he shares. He seems a normal, nice guy with a sense of humour and I still find him interesting, which is good.

I wonder whether I should try to meet him in person soon. I do think I spent too long emailing Scarf Guy instead of meeting him, partly as I wasn't overly interested, and partly due to fear of going on a date. There's only so much you can learn about someone from an email though, and it could take weeks for me to find that actually, we aren't that suited. If I'm still interested after his next message (assuming he replies) and if he doesn't mention meeting in person, I may force myself to be exceedingly brave and suggest it myself.

A very unexpected reply

Well, this I really was not expecting. The guy I responded to sort of truthfully about why I joined e-harmony has actually replied to my questions. So he has read my possibly a little too to the point answer, knows feelings of mine that I haven't shared with some of my closest friends, and yet he has still responded. I'm not quite sure how to react.

I asked him the same question about why he joined e-harmony and his answer suggests he hasn't exactly had hundreds of relationships himself, which is fine by me. And he loves travelling, as do I. And he can spell and use correct grammar which is always a plus. Now I just need to pluck up the courage to send him an email and see what happens from there.

Response sent...watch this space

I sent the response that I suggested in my last post.

I added a little extra saying that I do have friends who I socialise with, so may not be totally socially inept, and that I'm not sure if I am a complete misfit.

I did say that I had been unable to find a boyfriend offline and thought that eHarmony might be less hit and miss. I don't know whether he will read that as I have never had a boyfriend, or I am having difficulty finding one at the moment.

I have sent him 3 questions of my own. I guess I will either get responses, or he will close the match. I will keep you posted.

The truth will out?

I just checked my eharmony account as I had an email to tell me I had received a communication, and I just had to smile at what I found. I have got as far as open ended questions with one of the guys I contacted last weekend. He has just sent me his, the last of which is:

Why did you join eHarmony?

So who dares me to answer that with "Because I am a socially inept, unconfident misfit who has been unable to find a boyfriend despite being nearly 36"? Honesty is after all the best policy, and the truth will out in the end.

It appears I am feeling somewhat more blase about the whole thing since I cancelled my subscription.

E-non-harmony

I have just cancelled my e-harmony subscription, and surprise,surprise, after several months as a member, I am no closer to a relationship. If I'm honest, I don't think my heart was really in it. I didn't want to be the woman who had to resort to a dating website to find someone, and I was (and still am) not that confident about communicating with men I've never met, but who I have been matched with and therefore I am supposed to get to know. (I was also a bit annoyed by e-harmony auto renewing my subscription without asking me.)

My membership is paid until April 8th so I have just had a trawl through my matches and fired off a couple of responses and some questions. The guy who wanted to know what I had learnt from previous relationships appears to have closed communication so I didn't have to tackle that one. I actually felt more relaxed about answering the questions knowing that my membership is ending. I didn't spend ages deliberating over what to say and how, I just typed what I felt. I guess part of me is thinking that by the time they reply I may not be a member anymore so I won't be able to communicate with them.

I wonder if I might be more suited to a dating site where you pick the guys yourself and are not matched. Apart from the e-harmony matches mostly being awful, once I started communicating with people, I did feel a sort of pressure to get on with them. I'd been matched with them, they were possibly interested in me, therefore they were a potential boyfriend, if that makes sense. Maybe I wouldn't feel that on site where there is no matching?

I'm not sure where else other than online I am going to meet anyone. I am still swimming, but it's a solitary activity, I go out once a week most weeks with my ex-housemate the Scientist, and two of her friends, but it's not the sort of evening where you meet new people. I do have a new housemate who I guess may have friends I could meet, but then again I have known my current male housemate for over a year and I have never met a single friend or family member of his.

In other parts of life, things are good. I am getting on well in my new job and am working with a great bunch of people. It is about to get very busy and probably pretty stressful but it will hopefully be an enjoyable challenge.

I visited my old town a few weeks ago and spent time with E and A, and am meeting T this week to go a concert. T and I have a lot of things planned for this year, including holidays and more concerts, and I am so glad I have her as most of these things I wouldn't really want to do on my own. I really hope that if she stops being single she will still have time for me. I am fairly sure she will have. Talking of people who are no longer single, my best friend (who is married) and I are going to see a show together next month. It's something we used to do fairly often years ago and I'm really looking forward to it. As she said herself, it will be just like old times.

Now what?

I logged into eharmony this evening to find two matches have sent me open ended questions. One of them asks three interesting questions which will take a bit of thinking about, the other asks two which I can answer and a final one which is "What have you learned from past relationships?".

Soooooooo what answer to give? Lying feels plain wrong and I'm sure would be obvious. But is now the right time to say well actually I have had no past relationships? Is that a surefire way to make him run for the hills? Of the two guys he is the one I am less interested in but I'm not sure I want to close my options off, when there aren't that many of them in the first place.

The return of enthusiasm...sort of

I have had a fit of enthusiasm about eharmony this evening. I got rather a lot of new matches over Christmas and New Year and thought I'd better make time to look at them and see if any seem interesting.

I hadn't actually closed any matches or started communicating with anyone for a few weeks, so I had almost 300 new matches. I closed quite a few, but also found 4 or 5 who sparked my interest, so have opened communication with them. I also received answers from someone I contacted a couple of months ago. I really liked the sound of him so was pleased to see he has answered. I answered his questions, he has sent his must haves/can't stands and I have sent mine. We'll see what happens next.

Communication with Scarf Guy fizzled out. We hadn't got anywhere near agreeing to meet in person and I felt no urge whatsoever to suggest it so I think we can safely say it wouldn't have developed into anything.

I had someone send me an icebreaker and another guy start communication. One I have responded to, for the other I closed the match as I really didn't find him physically attractive. Looking at all the matches I have had, how many are closed and how many I have opened communication with, I suspect my lack of enthusiasm may have partly stemmed from the sheer lack of interest I am getting from my matches. I have had literally hundreds of matches, and have opened communication with any I felt I might get on with - probably at least a hundred of them. The number who have either contacted me, or responded to my contact is I think in single figures. Is that a normal hit rate for eharmony? Or am I getting less interest than most?

The thought that I was just not attractive or interesting enough did make me feel as if it was a waste of time. What is the point of contacting all these people if only 1% respond? Then again, maybe I do have to trawl through all those who aren't for me to find the one (or more) who is? Anyway, for the time being, I am going to try to log in to eharmony regularly and check my matches, something I have failed to do recently.

In other news, I spent a quiet Christmas with family in another part of the UK, and New Year with my best friend and her family. I have never understood the eagerness of everyone to celebrate on New Year's Eve, and discussing it with my friend I realised I have only actually gone out drinking/partying on the night a grand total of once, when I was 18. We were in bed shortly before midnight after watching a film on TV for the evening. The best thing about New Year was the time off work which gave me chance to spend time with those I care about.

The weekend before Christmas was a busy one. I visited E and A, and T and ended up eating out on both days. It was great to see them, and I saw A again a few days later when he came to a concert with me, as a last minute replacement for T who couldn't make it. It was a fun evening, and the more time I spend with him the more I realise that we make good friends, but would have been a failure as boyfriend/girlfriend.

I hope you all had a good Christmas and New Year.

Lethargy

It's been a while and there isn't a great deal to report. I've become sort of lethargic about the whole online dating thing. There's been a few more longish messages between me and Scarf Guy, but he has made no mention of meeting up. Even if he had I haven't had many free weekends recently. I've had a few get togethers with friends and I've been on holiday and the few times I have had a weekend to myself I've just felt like vegging. Yes I could have suggested meeting myself, but I think the fact that I didn't probably indicates that I'm not that interested in him.

I've had the odd bit of interest from a couple of other eharmony guys but at the moment I'm really just feeling "can't be bothered" about it all. I can't put my finger on why. Maybe it feels like hard work? Harder than meeting someone in real life, getting to know them and things developing from there. I know though that if I don't make the effort I can't really sit around and complain. The ideal man isn't just going to appear from nowhere. But how I go about getting back my enthusiasm and energy I'm not sure.

I still have enthusiasm and energy in the rest of my life. I had a great, fun time on holiday with T, I've been happy spending time with friends and I had a really entertaining evening with my work colleagues the other week. I have various "dates" in my diary for the next month or two. Trouble is, none of them are with men.