Where to begin

Don't worry, I haven't done anything exciting like find a boyfriend or lose my virginity. The recent drama has all been in my friend T's life. Now I'm all for living vicariously through the lives of others but in this case I wish her life had been boring since my last post.

Last time I posted I was worried about going away for the weekend with her in case she gushed about the guy she was seeing. Well the weekend was fine, there was a little gushing, and a bit of worry, as there was misunderstanding the two of them needed to sort out while she was away, but all was ok. Since then however it's all been downhill.

Not long after that weekend he told her he had to clear the air with his ex girlfriend and that until that was done he and T couldn't be together properly as it would be unfair on both women. Fair enough, it seemed he was doing the right thing. Not long after that he told her he only wanted to be friends with her, only to sleep with her again a week or two later. And a couple of days after that he again told her he could only be friends. The possibility of him getting back together with his ex was also mentioned.

Various other things have happened before and after these two "just friends" chats. He has invited her to his house for the evening then changed his mind at the last minute. She has gone to his house for an evening and he has tried to make her go home just before midnight after the last train has left. Other plans have been made and broken by him. All in all he has been a pretty unreliable guy.

However she says she is in love with him and really wanted to try to be friends with him so she didn't lose him from her life completely. She thinks it was going ok but from the numerous emails she sent me daily, over analysing every last action and word of his for a sign he might want more than friendship, I don't think it was.

Almost the last straw came a couple of weeks ago when he posted on a social networking site that he was in a relationship. He hadn't told T. She assumed it was the ex but was really upset that he hadn't told her in person. She was feeling so bad that she almost pulled out of the holiday we were due to go on.

Then this week it got worse. He cam out for drinks to celebrate her birthday. She had invited him long ago and he had said he would come. She kept saying that if he didn't she wouldn't bother going out at all (which sort of made me feel a little unwanted - aren't I good enough to celebrate with?).

Anyway, he did some out, and the evening started okay, but then in bar number 2, he made some comments relating to drug dealing friends which really disturbed me. She told me not to worry and we carried on to bar number 3. For the first half hour or so the three of us drank and chatted and took photos, then the two of them moved away a little and started their own conversation, leaving me standing alone, for pretty much the rest of the evening. She came over to me a couple of times to say they were sorting out the whole friendship thing and please could I let them sort it then we could have fun. The fun did not happen as not long after she came to me and said he had just said something which suggested he himself deals in drugs. He also made some nasty comments to her which made her feel awful about herself. She ended up crying her eyes out on me when we got home, though she never showed him how upset she was.

I am really not good at dealing with this sort of thing, as much as I might say "it will get better, you won't always feel like this" how do I know it will get better having never experienced it? Part of me also wants to shake her and say "you've only known him for 5 months, how can you be in love with him?" but again I have no personal experience to base that on. And when she says she hates herself and that shit keeps happening to her, I feel like saying "what about me? You think you're awful because this happened, I am so loathsome that nobody even wants to try to be with me, so I've never got as far as being dumped."

I'm not really sure where this post is going, but I am just tired of being an amateur counsellor for her (she has said a few times she wants to die and has self esteem problems) and needed to write this all down. I will keep doing the counsellor thing as much as I can, but it is exhausting me and I'm not qualified for it. I am trying with not much luck to get her to see her doctor and get a referral to someone who is qualified. I am grateful all this crap is not happening to me, but at the same time it makes me sad that I have no idea what it feels like to love someone.

My future self?

I spent a few hours at the shops today, mainly on the seemingly never ending search for a pair of jeans that fit perfectly. Just as I was standing in yet another fitting room wearing yet another not quite right pair I got a call from a guy friend.

He’s probably the most sociable person I know. Actually he’s probably the most sociable person I’ve ever met in my whole life. He loves going out, being with people and meeting new people and if he’s going out for a drink he’ll often invite pretty much everyone he knows. I prefer to see friends one-on-one or in a small group where I know everyone, so I don’t always feel comfortable at his gatherings. I get on well with him though and we’re going to arrange to meet up next weekend. Plans for two weekends in a row! Must be all that complaining I did...

My friendship with Sociable Guy gives me hope that I will find someone one day. He seems to find me interesting and worth spending time with, and says that I’m lovely (usually after a few drinks, but hey, a compliment is a compliment), that I really shouldn’t be single and that I need to find a man. I figure that if he finds me interesting enough to want to be friends with me, then surely there’s someone out there who will find me interesting and attractive enough to want to date me. I finished the call feeling quite cheered.

About an hour later I was waiting in the queue at the supermarket checkout and was watching an older woman on her own (about in her 70s) pack and pay for her food. And that prompted the thought: That’s me in 40 years. I was standing there having visions of me at that age, still single, shopping alone, going home to eat alone. I felt a little sense of panic.

Of course I had no idea whether the woman even was single. She had no wedding ring, but that might not mean anything. A husband might have been at home. She might have been widowed. Even if she was single she might have had a very active and happy life.

I always feel a little sad when I see lone older people, men or women, buying just enough food for one, counting out what looks like their last few coins to pay. Mostly I don’t relate it to myself, I just wonder what their story is and feel sad. I always hope that, no matter what their circumstances now, they’ve had a good life and that they have family and friends who love them.

I’m going to try to keep the cheery feeling I got after the call from Sociable Guy, and forget about the old lady future self panic.

Oh, and I did eventually find a pair of jeans. Not quite a perfect fit, but pretty good.

‘Tis better to have loved and lost....

...Than never to have loved at all (Alfred Lord Tennyson). Really? I have to confess that I am in two minds about whether I think this is true or not.

On the one hand, as someone who has never been in love (or been loved) whenever I hear this said it brings back all the hurt I feel at never having been in a relationship. I think, well of course it must be better to have loved and lost, to have experienced feeling that someone is the most important person in the whole world to you, to have known that you would do anything for them and them for you, to have wanted to grow old with someone. I would give anything to have had that, even if I ultimately lost it.

On the other hand, when I see what losing love has done to some of my friends, I begin to wonder.

I have one friend who has been in a very bad place the last few months. She was sleeping with a married guy at work (which she knew she shouldn’t have got into, which her friends advised her against, but she somehow couldn’t stop herself and ended up in love). Her left for a new job and the whole thing finished leaving her an emotional mess. I would never want to feel the way she has been – seriously depressed, having suicidal thoughts, feeling that most of her friends have deserted her because they disapproved. My situation may make me feel lonely, miserable, unloved, afraid, like a freak, I may cry myself to sleep from time to time, but I’m fairly sure I don’t feel as gut-wrenchingly awful as she does. If that’s what losing love does to you, is it really better than not having experienced it at all?

Of course, it may be that I am just trying to convince myself that Tennyson was wrong to make myself feel better, to make me think that I am not missing out on something wonderful. I think I’ve become quite good at trying to make myself think that over the years. I never quite succeed though...