In the past couple of days I have come to the decision that my friendship with T cannot continue. Or at least it cannot continue after the holiday we have coming up together in April.
A few weeks ago I was away from work for a few days when it was announced that tickets for a tour T really wanted to go to were going on sale. She texted me some dates and asked if I could make them. I replied that I wasn't sure if I'd be able to take leave from work for those dates, and as I wasn't at work couldn't check before the tickets went on sale. She replied saying not to bother, she'd just sort her tickets out and I could please myself as usual.
Over the next few days a few texts went between us about general things, no mention was made of the tickets. She sent a couple of texts telling me she felt odd, had done a few things that were out of character (nothing awful, just things like buying clothes in a colour she hates) and didn't like how she felt. I texted saying if she felt any worse to please consider getting help. Her reply said she thinks you can only get help if you have someone you can truly rely and depend on and she doesn't have that. She wants to get sorted but can't do it alone. I tried to remind her that she has me, but she then proceeded to ignore me for the next week and a half (bar one text saying remember I love you). I sent a few texts, a couple of emails and tried to phone her 3 or 4 times but got no answer.
When she did get back in touch it was with abrupt texts about practical arrangements for a show we were due to see last Saturday. I met her on Saturday before the show and went to hug her. She pulled away and said she didn't want a hug. I asked if she was okay and she snapped "I'm fine" in a way that suggested she definitely wasn't. I said she didn't seem fine and hadn't seemed fine for the past couple of weeks but she insisted she was. She then spent the rest of the day and evening chatting away about all sorts of random things as if nothing was wrong.
Yesterday afternoon she sent a text telling me that she wasn't going to do one of the day trips we'd planned to do on our upcoming holiday so I could go ahead and book for just me to do it. When I queried why she said she thought it was about time she started being inconsiderate as well. Today she has texted to tell me that I treat her like one of my staff, and not like a friend, and that the move to my new job is the worst thing I have ever done as I am no longer the lovely Katya she loves. She told me that I have hurt her so many times ( I was very tempted to reply that she has hurt me multiple times too) and that I have have her feel that we're no longer close enough for her to talk to me about any of this.
Yesterday I was coming to the conclusion that I have to tell her she must get help for her lack of self esteem, and that if she wouldn't I would have to distance myself from her. I have spoken to my best friend and to my housemate Extrovert and both said the same. Both also said T is manipulating me (something I know readers have suggested in the past as has another friend of mine).
Today I have looked through old emails from her and realised that she first mentioned depression and self esteem issues back in 2008. She has been on anti-depressants a few times over the years, and has started having counselling twice but abandoned it each time. I fear that even if she did get professional help this time I would always be waiting for the moment when she gave up on it and reverted back to treating me this way.
As I said we have a holiday together booked for April which we were both really looking forward to. It's a place she loves and has been keen to go back to for ages, I have been getting quite excited about going too. On Saturday we were talking about it as if it is still going to happen.
If we can both just act like we did on Saturday and pretend that nothing is wrong then I think maybe it can still work. From a practical point of view (i.e. the holiday is paid for and can't be cancelled and we can't afford to just not go and lose the money) I think that is what needs to happen.
After the holiday though I have to think of my own sanity. I have to tell her I can no longer cope with her repeatedly telling me I am a bad friend. I can't handle her getting angry with me over something trivial and ignoring me for weeks instead of just talking to me. I'm not strong enough to keep trying to act as her therapist. I can't keep saying the same things to her over and over again and see them have no effect whatsoever.
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Tuesday, 19 March 2013
Monday, 23 January 2012
Expectations
You may have guessed that the letter in my last post was to my friend T. I didn't send a real one in the end as I eventually heard from her.
Things are not okay with her or us. A text that I sent saying I was upset and confused about why she was ignoring me finally got an email response from her. An email which can be summed up by saying that she finds it too hurtful having friends so she feels she is better off alone, with no friends.
The long version said that she had spoken to no friends since Christmas and was adjusting to being alone. It talked about how she had realised over Christmas/New year that she "has no-one". It described how she cried herself to sleep on New Year's Eve. It declared that at "times which matter", times when you're supposed to be with loved ones, such as New Year's Eve, she has no-one. It said that to her friends she is an inconvenience. It said that her friends don't make her feel good. It said that she couldn't stand another year of heartache and wondering if this year someone will invite her to do something in New Year's Eve, whether this year people who accept an invite to her birthday celebration will actually turn up. It said that she won't have to wonder about those things if she has no friends. It said she didn't want to hurt me.
It didn't say anything about the times when she wasn't alone, about the numerous weekends I spent with her last year, about the occasional coffees, lunches and dinners she had with other friends, about the Christmas Eve spent with family friends and described as wonderful. It ignored those times so I mentioned them in my reply. I tried to remind her that she does have friends, that she does have people who care about her, and that nobody has ever described her as an inconvenience. I said I didn't understand what she was saying; did she want to end our friendship?.
Another email arrived from her. It again spoke about being lonely and miserable New Year's Eve and not having anyone to go out with on her birthday. It said that she thinks the relationship I have with my best friend blinds me to everyone else, that there are other people who love me, who want to celebrate my birthday with me, who want to share "special events" with me, but they don't get the chance. It ended with saying she was sorry but that I will be okay because I have other friends.
I don't know what to think. My mind is all over the place. Mutual friends of ours have seen her and said she seems very down and tearful. Suddenly deciding to end all your friendships because of a handful of days spent alone seems perhaps irrational (one of the days was her birthday though, so I completely understand her upset about that). She has low self esteem and confesses to hating herself. All of this suggests she might be depressed again. I have tried to tell her that I am here for her and want to help if I can.
However, although half of the second email was about other people, half was directed at me. Is it simply depression or is there any truth in what she says about me? When she says that other "people" want to spend my birthday with me, she means her, as no other friend has ever expressed that wish. They send cards, they send a text on the day, but they don't voice a desperation to spend the day with me.
I am touched that she feels that way, but I have for the past several years spent my birthday with my best friend. It's what we do. Should I feel guilty about that because T isn't getting her chance to spend the day with me? I feel I can't hurt my best friend by dumping her on my birthday and at other times we spend together in order to spend them with T instead. Is that wrong? I may be wrong but don't think so. My best friend has been my best friend for 18 years and is the most important friend in my life.
I love T and have had some wonderful times with her and have considered her a great friend. I have over the past few years spent more and more time with her, last year probably more than I spent with my best friend. But it doesn't seem to be enough; she seems to feel that I am not spending the "right" days with her. Has all the time I've spent with her meant nothing? Does our friendship only mean something to her if she gets to spend certain days with me? It's feeling as if she is wanting, needing or expecting more from our friendship than I can give. There was also perhaps a hint of jealousy of my best friend.
And yet still I feel guilty. I try to be as good a friend as I can be to all of my friends. I cannot be everything to all of them and I cannot give all of them all of my time, but I do what I can and it upsets me that T seems to think I have failed as a friend.
I replied to her email. I told her there were times last year when I felt torn between her and my best friend and felt bad for having to turn one of them down due to plans with the other. I was honest and said that abandoning my best friend in favour of her on days like my birthday would hurt my best friend as much as T is hurting now, so I can't do it. I told her that having other friends does not make it okay when one friendship is lost. The others don't replace the missing friend and the loss hurts. I am not sure she will like my email. I couldn't promise her what she seems to want.
Things are not okay with her or us. A text that I sent saying I was upset and confused about why she was ignoring me finally got an email response from her. An email which can be summed up by saying that she finds it too hurtful having friends so she feels she is better off alone, with no friends.
The long version said that she had spoken to no friends since Christmas and was adjusting to being alone. It talked about how she had realised over Christmas/New year that she "has no-one". It described how she cried herself to sleep on New Year's Eve. It declared that at "times which matter", times when you're supposed to be with loved ones, such as New Year's Eve, she has no-one. It said that to her friends she is an inconvenience. It said that her friends don't make her feel good. It said that she couldn't stand another year of heartache and wondering if this year someone will invite her to do something in New Year's Eve, whether this year people who accept an invite to her birthday celebration will actually turn up. It said that she won't have to wonder about those things if she has no friends. It said she didn't want to hurt me.
It didn't say anything about the times when she wasn't alone, about the numerous weekends I spent with her last year, about the occasional coffees, lunches and dinners she had with other friends, about the Christmas Eve spent with family friends and described as wonderful. It ignored those times so I mentioned them in my reply. I tried to remind her that she does have friends, that she does have people who care about her, and that nobody has ever described her as an inconvenience. I said I didn't understand what she was saying; did she want to end our friendship?.
Another email arrived from her. It again spoke about being lonely and miserable New Year's Eve and not having anyone to go out with on her birthday. It said that she thinks the relationship I have with my best friend blinds me to everyone else, that there are other people who love me, who want to celebrate my birthday with me, who want to share "special events" with me, but they don't get the chance. It ended with saying she was sorry but that I will be okay because I have other friends.
I don't know what to think. My mind is all over the place. Mutual friends of ours have seen her and said she seems very down and tearful. Suddenly deciding to end all your friendships because of a handful of days spent alone seems perhaps irrational (one of the days was her birthday though, so I completely understand her upset about that). She has low self esteem and confesses to hating herself. All of this suggests she might be depressed again. I have tried to tell her that I am here for her and want to help if I can.
However, although half of the second email was about other people, half was directed at me. Is it simply depression or is there any truth in what she says about me? When she says that other "people" want to spend my birthday with me, she means her, as no other friend has ever expressed that wish. They send cards, they send a text on the day, but they don't voice a desperation to spend the day with me.
I am touched that she feels that way, but I have for the past several years spent my birthday with my best friend. It's what we do. Should I feel guilty about that because T isn't getting her chance to spend the day with me? I feel I can't hurt my best friend by dumping her on my birthday and at other times we spend together in order to spend them with T instead. Is that wrong? I may be wrong but don't think so. My best friend has been my best friend for 18 years and is the most important friend in my life.
I love T and have had some wonderful times with her and have considered her a great friend. I have over the past few years spent more and more time with her, last year probably more than I spent with my best friend. But it doesn't seem to be enough; she seems to feel that I am not spending the "right" days with her. Has all the time I've spent with her meant nothing? Does our friendship only mean something to her if she gets to spend certain days with me? It's feeling as if she is wanting, needing or expecting more from our friendship than I can give. There was also perhaps a hint of jealousy of my best friend.
And yet still I feel guilty. I try to be as good a friend as I can be to all of my friends. I cannot be everything to all of them and I cannot give all of them all of my time, but I do what I can and it upsets me that T seems to think I have failed as a friend.
I replied to her email. I told her there were times last year when I felt torn between her and my best friend and felt bad for having to turn one of them down due to plans with the other. I was honest and said that abandoning my best friend in favour of her on days like my birthday would hurt my best friend as much as T is hurting now, so I can't do it. I told her that having other friends does not make it okay when one friendship is lost. The others don't replace the missing friend and the loss hurts. I am not sure she will like my email. I couldn't promise her what she seems to want.
Monday, 9 January 2012
Letter to a Friend
Dear Friend,
I have no idea why you are ignoring me. I'm not even sure that you are ignoring me, but the lack of response to my texts and emails for 10 days and the fact that you're not answering your phone means I have to assume that I am indeed being ignored. You are usually in touch several times a week, often just a quick text or two, but contact nonetheless.
I last heard from you just before New Year. You seemed fine. You sent 3 or 4 texts that day, I replied but my texts went unacknowledged. I assumed you were busy. Since then, nothing.
I sent you a Happy New Year on the morning of the 1st but heard nothing from you all day. I thought it a bit odd as you never usually fail to send birthday/Christmas/New year/other special occasion wishes, but concluded that maybe you were ill with the flu that's been going round.
I sent a quick, silly text the next day. No reply. I sent an email the day after. I said I hoped all was ok with you. No reply. The next day I texted to ask if all was ok. The day after, my text said I was getting worried about you. Friday's said I was here if you want to talk. Still I heard nothing from you.
Saturday I phoned you. The phone rang and then went to voicemail. You didn't call me back as you normally would. I called again this evening. Straight to voicemail this time. I contacted a mutual friend to see if she'd seen or heard from you. She's going to email you at work tomorrow. If you reply I will be relieved that you are ok, but also extremely hurt that you are ignoring me.
This isn't the first time you've stopped contacting me and replying to me. I'm looking back over the previous times to try to work out why. The first time, you were depressed and had turned off your phone and hidden it as you didn't want to speak to anyone. I can understand that and forgive it. But that time you had been showing signs of depression for a while. This time you seemed perfectly happy and fairly positive last time I heard from you.
Another time you went AWOL for a week when you were ill in bed with bad flu. If that's the case this time surely over a week into being ill you can manage a quick text to say "I'm ill"? You know from my texts that I am worried, or if you haven't seen them you must realise that I will be wondering why I haven't heard from you. I assume if you were so ill that you can't pick up the phone that somebody would have let me know. If being ill is the reason it's also probably forgivable.
The other reason you have ignored me in the past is because you were angry or offended over something I said or did. You gave no indication that that you were feeling that way and looking back over my texts of that last day I can't see anything offensive, upsetting or controversial in them. From past experience though I know that you can be upset by something nobody else would have a problem with.
If you are angry with me over something and are handling it by simply ignoring me, then we need to talk. You cannot simply disappear when something happens in our friendship which you don't like. Tell me that you're angry, tell me what about and tell me that you need time away from the friendship, and I will give you time. Tell me that you're angry and that you need to talk it through with me, and I will happily talk it through. But do not just disappear with no warning or explanation. It hurts. It worries me.
Previously I have sent you all sorts of texts and emails begging you to let me know you're ok. I am not doing that this time as it makes the hurt and worry worse. I do wonder whether you do this to provoke a reaction, to get me to tell you how much I care, and to beg you to get in touch. I wonder whether you are testing my friendship. I hope I am wrong to wonder that.
In the past I have travelled to your town to try to see you. You have never even acknowledged that I did that. I don't think I can risk rejection again by doing it this time.
I don't know where we go from here. Our mutual friend will let me know tomorrow whether she hears from you. If she does but you carry on ignoring me I have no idea what to do. I can't force you to reply, or pick up the phone. I guess I just wait. Send an occasional text or email.
At what point do I give up on hearing from you? If you re-appear and you were ill or depressed I forgive you and we can go on as we were. We've had a great past few months and have some good things planned for this year. But if it turns out you're doing this through anger then we need to talk. And if you can't or won't talk then a version of this letter will be heading your way. I cannot cope with this happening every few months.
I really hope you're alright. I hope you're not depressed again. I hope out mutual friend hears from you despite what that might tell me about why you're ignoring me. If she cannot get hold of you either then we have a completely different problem but I'm not thinking about that yet.
Love and best wishes
K xxx
PS I had a disagreement with my best friend today. I phoned her, she answered, we talked and everything is now fine. Why can't we do that?
I have no idea why you are ignoring me. I'm not even sure that you are ignoring me, but the lack of response to my texts and emails for 10 days and the fact that you're not answering your phone means I have to assume that I am indeed being ignored. You are usually in touch several times a week, often just a quick text or two, but contact nonetheless.
I last heard from you just before New Year. You seemed fine. You sent 3 or 4 texts that day, I replied but my texts went unacknowledged. I assumed you were busy. Since then, nothing.
I sent you a Happy New Year on the morning of the 1st but heard nothing from you all day. I thought it a bit odd as you never usually fail to send birthday/Christmas/New year/other special occasion wishes, but concluded that maybe you were ill with the flu that's been going round.
I sent a quick, silly text the next day. No reply. I sent an email the day after. I said I hoped all was ok with you. No reply. The next day I texted to ask if all was ok. The day after, my text said I was getting worried about you. Friday's said I was here if you want to talk. Still I heard nothing from you.
Saturday I phoned you. The phone rang and then went to voicemail. You didn't call me back as you normally would. I called again this evening. Straight to voicemail this time. I contacted a mutual friend to see if she'd seen or heard from you. She's going to email you at work tomorrow. If you reply I will be relieved that you are ok, but also extremely hurt that you are ignoring me.
This isn't the first time you've stopped contacting me and replying to me. I'm looking back over the previous times to try to work out why. The first time, you were depressed and had turned off your phone and hidden it as you didn't want to speak to anyone. I can understand that and forgive it. But that time you had been showing signs of depression for a while. This time you seemed perfectly happy and fairly positive last time I heard from you.
Another time you went AWOL for a week when you were ill in bed with bad flu. If that's the case this time surely over a week into being ill you can manage a quick text to say "I'm ill"? You know from my texts that I am worried, or if you haven't seen them you must realise that I will be wondering why I haven't heard from you. I assume if you were so ill that you can't pick up the phone that somebody would have let me know. If being ill is the reason it's also probably forgivable.
The other reason you have ignored me in the past is because you were angry or offended over something I said or did. You gave no indication that that you were feeling that way and looking back over my texts of that last day I can't see anything offensive, upsetting or controversial in them. From past experience though I know that you can be upset by something nobody else would have a problem with.
If you are angry with me over something and are handling it by simply ignoring me, then we need to talk. You cannot simply disappear when something happens in our friendship which you don't like. Tell me that you're angry, tell me what about and tell me that you need time away from the friendship, and I will give you time. Tell me that you're angry and that you need to talk it through with me, and I will happily talk it through. But do not just disappear with no warning or explanation. It hurts. It worries me.
Previously I have sent you all sorts of texts and emails begging you to let me know you're ok. I am not doing that this time as it makes the hurt and worry worse. I do wonder whether you do this to provoke a reaction, to get me to tell you how much I care, and to beg you to get in touch. I wonder whether you are testing my friendship. I hope I am wrong to wonder that.
In the past I have travelled to your town to try to see you. You have never even acknowledged that I did that. I don't think I can risk rejection again by doing it this time.
I don't know where we go from here. Our mutual friend will let me know tomorrow whether she hears from you. If she does but you carry on ignoring me I have no idea what to do. I can't force you to reply, or pick up the phone. I guess I just wait. Send an occasional text or email.
At what point do I give up on hearing from you? If you re-appear and you were ill or depressed I forgive you and we can go on as we were. We've had a great past few months and have some good things planned for this year. But if it turns out you're doing this through anger then we need to talk. And if you can't or won't talk then a version of this letter will be heading your way. I cannot cope with this happening every few months.
I really hope you're alright. I hope you're not depressed again. I hope out mutual friend hears from you despite what that might tell me about why you're ignoring me. If she cannot get hold of you either then we have a completely different problem but I'm not thinking about that yet.
Love and best wishes
K xxx
PS I had a disagreement with my best friend today. I phoned her, she answered, we talked and everything is now fine. Why can't we do that?
Saturday, 11 June 2011
A little bit of honesty
About time I posted an update. I haven't disappeared, it's just that life has been a little hectic recently and I haven't had chance to sit down and write, but I need to this evening.
Firstly, thank you to all those who commented on my last post for your thoughts. They gave me a lot to think about and consider and it was good to see how things look from an outsider's perspective.
The update on what happened last time is pretty short. I have to confess to failing to confront T about her behaviour. I have no real excuse, other than the times I've seen her since have been for weekends away for specific events and there was no time that seemed right for trying to speak to her. I was worried about ruining the weekend for both of us. The fact that she just got completely back to normal also made it difficult. If someone is being nice to you, and fun to be with, and acting like a friend, how do you start a discussion about what she did? If she was still being off with me it would have made it easier.
So I said nothing that time, but I have earlier today sent her an email telling her a few home truths about how I feel about something that happened yesterday. The something is as follows.
A few weeks ago a friend of mine at my workplace booked concert tickets for me, her and T. T knew she was going to try to buy them and had agreed that she wanted a ticket. T and I then owed my work friend money for the tickets. I paid a couple of days later and I assumed that T would arrange to do the same, as she has my work friend's contact details.
A couple of weeks ago Work Friend's husband was laid off at work, with no notice and no final pay cheque, leaving them and their family to live off her not very large wage. Last week she asked me to chase up T for the money she owed, as her credit card bill was due. I texted T a reminder and got a reply saying the cheque was written and would be posted in the next couple of days. The text also included a comment that she was already thousands in debt.
A couple of days ago Work Friend asked me if the cheque had arrived (we assumed it was being sent to my home address). It hadn't. Work Friend isn't the sort to chase debts up this soon in normal circumstances, but at the moment she can't afford to just wait to be paid. So I had to chase up T again which I hated doing as she had mentioned in an email earlier in the day that she was overdrawn at the bank. I did say that if the cheque had go stuck in the post, I could pay for now, thinking this was way out or her if she was in financial trouble.
Her response to my chasing arrived yesterday and it really angered me and is what prompted me to be honest with her. Her email, and my reactions, basically went like this:
- the cheque is written but will bounce as she won't get paid till July (ok, she has just moved to a new job and is paid in arrears, but as she only left the last job last week she should not be struggling for money yet, how the hell is she so overdrawn?)
- she has had to take a pay cut to move to the new job
- she can put the cheque in the post but it will bounce (this really angered me - there is no point posting it if it will bounce so why bother saying she can post it?)
- she can go to the bank and get money from her other bank account, but not until Saturday (fair enough, her work is not near the bank)and she might not even be able to do it on Saturday as she has appointments (EXCUSE ME???? You have a debt to pay. The person you owe it to has asked for it. You should be making every effort to get the money to her. You cannot say you might not be able to get to the bank. You make damn sure
you get there and sort the money out).
- if it is vital that this gets sorted this afternoon then Work Friend and I will have to work out what needs to be done (first, I never said it needed sorting this afternoon, I said this week. Second, this suggests she can't pay this afternoon but she can pay tomorrow, which is not the case. And third, why the hell should we have to sort anything out between ourselves? This is not my debt, it is hers)
The general tone of the email was one of feeling sorry for herself and of not taking responsibility for her debt. There was no apology for not being able to pay and no sign of feeling bad about it. There was also no real acknowledgement of my offer to pay. I would have been mortified to be in her position, would have felt absolutely awful about it and would have found the money somehow.
I should point out that at this point I'm not sure that I'd told her about Work Friend's husband. However, that shouldn't make any difference. If someone asks you to pay a debt they are asking because they need the money and you pay them. My first instinct was to email back telling her to grow up and be responsible, but that would have felt as if I was being nasty, so my initial response was an email telling her she's not a failure, offering again to pay so that she owed me instead, and offering my thoughts and advice on her finances if she wanted. I also told her about Work Friend's husband so she knew why the money is needed. She is not at all happy with life this week and I didn't want to add to her unhappiness.
However, last night I couldn't stop thinking about her email, her seeming expectation that I should sort out her debt, and her apparent lack of concern over it. Her only worries seemed to be about her own life and finances, there was no thought about my Work Friend. I did give my Work Friend a cheque myself as I cannot let her be out of pocket and I have no idea when T will manage to sort out the money, but I hated being put in that position.
So I emailed my friend E today with the whole story and her advice was once again that if she were me, she would be honest. And this time I finally followed her advice. I think the trigger was that T's behaviour is now affecting someone other than me. I spent my lunch hour and some time after work composing an email. I tried to be honest, but not unpleasant. I do care about her, but she does need to know how this email came across and how angry it made me.
I told her that it is her debt and that she is responsible for paying it, that I understand that money is tight, but she can't expect people to just wait until she is able to pay, and that her email came across as a bit dismissive. I told that I care about her but that I need to be honest with her otherwise I will dwell on this and end up even angrier. I fully expect to either be ignored or to receive an email ending the friendship. Funnily enough, when I was partway through writing the email, I got a short chatty message from her about something not particularly important. No mention of my email from yesterday, nothing at all about the money she owes.
She does need to grow up and be responsible. She was in a financial mess late last year but paid off her debts and set up a savings account and I thought all was well. However I don't think she understands the concept of living within her means. She has a full time job. She lives with her parents so doesn't have proper rent and bills to pay, just board money to her parents. She should have a reasonable amount of disposable income. She should not be thousands of pounds in debt.
I think that living with her parents is one of the reasons why she is in debt. If she can't pay her board, there are no consequences. She won't be at risk of losing her home. She won't have her electricity cut off. She won't be unable to put food on the table. She hasn't learnt how to be responsible with her money, that in the real world you can't buy endless CDs, concert tickets and clothes, you need to make sure you can afford them. She talks about only living once and that you should do things that you want to do rather than regret not doing them, which is a philosophy I tend to agree with, but not to the extent of putting myself into that much debt.
Pressing send on the email felt right. Yes, she has problems of her own, but that does not excuse her behavior. I was a little hesitant about doing it by email rather than in person, but I don't know that I could manage to say it all in person.
I await her response, or lack of.
Firstly, thank you to all those who commented on my last post for your thoughts. They gave me a lot to think about and consider and it was good to see how things look from an outsider's perspective.
The update on what happened last time is pretty short. I have to confess to failing to confront T about her behaviour. I have no real excuse, other than the times I've seen her since have been for weekends away for specific events and there was no time that seemed right for trying to speak to her. I was worried about ruining the weekend for both of us. The fact that she just got completely back to normal also made it difficult. If someone is being nice to you, and fun to be with, and acting like a friend, how do you start a discussion about what she did? If she was still being off with me it would have made it easier.
So I said nothing that time, but I have earlier today sent her an email telling her a few home truths about how I feel about something that happened yesterday. The something is as follows.
A few weeks ago a friend of mine at my workplace booked concert tickets for me, her and T. T knew she was going to try to buy them and had agreed that she wanted a ticket. T and I then owed my work friend money for the tickets. I paid a couple of days later and I assumed that T would arrange to do the same, as she has my work friend's contact details.
A couple of weeks ago Work Friend's husband was laid off at work, with no notice and no final pay cheque, leaving them and their family to live off her not very large wage. Last week she asked me to chase up T for the money she owed, as her credit card bill was due. I texted T a reminder and got a reply saying the cheque was written and would be posted in the next couple of days. The text also included a comment that she was already thousands in debt.
A couple of days ago Work Friend asked me if the cheque had arrived (we assumed it was being sent to my home address). It hadn't. Work Friend isn't the sort to chase debts up this soon in normal circumstances, but at the moment she can't afford to just wait to be paid. So I had to chase up T again which I hated doing as she had mentioned in an email earlier in the day that she was overdrawn at the bank. I did say that if the cheque had go stuck in the post, I could pay for now, thinking this was way out or her if she was in financial trouble.
Her response to my chasing arrived yesterday and it really angered me and is what prompted me to be honest with her. Her email, and my reactions, basically went like this:
- the cheque is written but will bounce as she won't get paid till July (ok, she has just moved to a new job and is paid in arrears, but as she only left the last job last week she should not be struggling for money yet, how the hell is she so overdrawn?)
- she has had to take a pay cut to move to the new job
- she can put the cheque in the post but it will bounce (this really angered me - there is no point posting it if it will bounce so why bother saying she can post it?)
- she can go to the bank and get money from her other bank account, but not until Saturday (fair enough, her work is not near the bank)and she might not even be able to do it on Saturday as she has appointments (EXCUSE ME???? You have a debt to pay. The person you owe it to has asked for it. You should be making every effort to get the money to her. You cannot say you might not be able to get to the bank. You make damn sure
you get there and sort the money out).
- if it is vital that this gets sorted this afternoon then Work Friend and I will have to work out what needs to be done (first, I never said it needed sorting this afternoon, I said this week. Second, this suggests she can't pay this afternoon but she can pay tomorrow, which is not the case. And third, why the hell should we have to sort anything out between ourselves? This is not my debt, it is hers)
The general tone of the email was one of feeling sorry for herself and of not taking responsibility for her debt. There was no apology for not being able to pay and no sign of feeling bad about it. There was also no real acknowledgement of my offer to pay. I would have been mortified to be in her position, would have felt absolutely awful about it and would have found the money somehow.
I should point out that at this point I'm not sure that I'd told her about Work Friend's husband. However, that shouldn't make any difference. If someone asks you to pay a debt they are asking because they need the money and you pay them. My first instinct was to email back telling her to grow up and be responsible, but that would have felt as if I was being nasty, so my initial response was an email telling her she's not a failure, offering again to pay so that she owed me instead, and offering my thoughts and advice on her finances if she wanted. I also told her about Work Friend's husband so she knew why the money is needed. She is not at all happy with life this week and I didn't want to add to her unhappiness.
However, last night I couldn't stop thinking about her email, her seeming expectation that I should sort out her debt, and her apparent lack of concern over it. Her only worries seemed to be about her own life and finances, there was no thought about my Work Friend. I did give my Work Friend a cheque myself as I cannot let her be out of pocket and I have no idea when T will manage to sort out the money, but I hated being put in that position.
So I emailed my friend E today with the whole story and her advice was once again that if she were me, she would be honest. And this time I finally followed her advice. I think the trigger was that T's behaviour is now affecting someone other than me. I spent my lunch hour and some time after work composing an email. I tried to be honest, but not unpleasant. I do care about her, but she does need to know how this email came across and how angry it made me.
I told her that it is her debt and that she is responsible for paying it, that I understand that money is tight, but she can't expect people to just wait until she is able to pay, and that her email came across as a bit dismissive. I told that I care about her but that I need to be honest with her otherwise I will dwell on this and end up even angrier. I fully expect to either be ignored or to receive an email ending the friendship. Funnily enough, when I was partway through writing the email, I got a short chatty message from her about something not particularly important. No mention of my email from yesterday, nothing at all about the money she owes.
She does need to grow up and be responsible. She was in a financial mess late last year but paid off her debts and set up a savings account and I thought all was well. However I don't think she understands the concept of living within her means. She has a full time job. She lives with her parents so doesn't have proper rent and bills to pay, just board money to her parents. She should have a reasonable amount of disposable income. She should not be thousands of pounds in debt.
I think that living with her parents is one of the reasons why she is in debt. If she can't pay her board, there are no consequences. She won't be at risk of losing her home. She won't have her electricity cut off. She won't be unable to put food on the table. She hasn't learnt how to be responsible with her money, that in the real world you can't buy endless CDs, concert tickets and clothes, you need to make sure you can afford them. She talks about only living once and that you should do things that you want to do rather than regret not doing them, which is a philosophy I tend to agree with, but not to the extent of putting myself into that much debt.
Pressing send on the email felt right. Yes, she has problems of her own, but that does not excuse her behavior. I was a little hesitant about doing it by email rather than in person, but I don't know that I could manage to say it all in person.
I await her response, or lack of.
Sunday, 3 April 2011
Ups and downs
Belle's comment raised an interesting point. Is T the one who has been using me? Well, as I said in my comment, I really don't think so. She has her issues and has had her problems over the past couple of years and that is what is prompting her behaviour, rather than her using me.
Though I don't feel I have been used, it is true to say that the friendship has been a bit lopsided in the last couple of years. She's been the one who was pretty much falling apart, she's been the one needing support, she's been the one who has needed to lean on me. I have had some family things going in recent months which she has been supportive about, and before all her problems began she supported me through some (less serious) problems of my own.
I know that at some point in the future if I need to lean on her she will be there for me. I guess the nature of friendship is that there are ups and downs, that there will be times where one person needs more from the other, and is perhaps less able to give, but it's likely that over the years roles will reverse and the person who was giving the support will become the one who needs it, and will be given it.
T did get back in touch with me a few days ago, via a short but perfectly friendly email. A couple of emails when back and forth between us, and we spoke on the phone a couple of days later. Without going into too much lengthy detail, things have been going very badly at the job she moved to a few months ago, and she has been feeling angry and upset. I think it was a combination of that and her lack of self esteem making her feel second best which triggered her use people comment to me. In our phone conversation the friendship felt as if it was back to "normal". The anger which was in her email was certainly no longer there.
I haven't seen her in person yet but when I do I think I do need to find a suitable moment to talk about her behaviour towards me. I understand her feelings about work and that sometimes she feels a need to disappear but I do wish she would tell me before just disappearing. And if the use people comment was because she felt insecure/jealous that I was planning something with another friend then she needs to learn to accept that I have other friends.
Though I don't feel I have been used, it is true to say that the friendship has been a bit lopsided in the last couple of years. She's been the one who was pretty much falling apart, she's been the one needing support, she's been the one who has needed to lean on me. I have had some family things going in recent months which she has been supportive about, and before all her problems began she supported me through some (less serious) problems of my own.
I know that at some point in the future if I need to lean on her she will be there for me. I guess the nature of friendship is that there are ups and downs, that there will be times where one person needs more from the other, and is perhaps less able to give, but it's likely that over the years roles will reverse and the person who was giving the support will become the one who needs it, and will be given it.
T did get back in touch with me a few days ago, via a short but perfectly friendly email. A couple of emails when back and forth between us, and we spoke on the phone a couple of days later. Without going into too much lengthy detail, things have been going very badly at the job she moved to a few months ago, and she has been feeling angry and upset. I think it was a combination of that and her lack of self esteem making her feel second best which triggered her use people comment to me. In our phone conversation the friendship felt as if it was back to "normal". The anger which was in her email was certainly no longer there.
I haven't seen her in person yet but when I do I think I do need to find a suitable moment to talk about her behaviour towards me. I understand her feelings about work and that sometimes she feels a need to disappear but I do wish she would tell me before just disappearing. And if the use people comment was because she felt insecure/jealous that I was planning something with another friend then she needs to learn to accept that I have other friends.
Sunday, 27 March 2011
Now what?
Well I decided it was best not to just turn up on T's parents' doorstep. I don't want to cause conflict between her and her mum. I did however take a train up to her town today. I texted her as I set off saying I was on my way and did she want to meet me for a coffee at one of our favourite coffee shops. No reply.
I arrived at the station hoping she might me there to meet me. She wasn't. I phoned her and got her voicemail and left a quick message saying I was headed to the coffee shop if she was free to join me but that it was ok if she couldn't. I almost set my phone not to show my number in the hope that she'd pick up and I'd get to speak to her, but decided that her not answering because she knew it was me was marginally better than her answering then putting the phone down when she realised it was me. I heard nothing from her. I sat in the coffee shop nursing a coffee for just over half an hour, took a slow walk back to the station, then let her know I was off home and that I hoped we could speak soon.
Part of me is wondering whether my voicemail should have been more "emotional", apologising for hurting her, telling her I was missing her and asking if we can sort things out, but I would have felt odd and perhaps a bit needy leaving that as a message. She may of course have been busy, she may be not in the mood for not answering her phone to anybody. But whatever the reason for her lack of response today, the fact remains that I have heard nothing from her since last Monday.
I now have no idea what, if anything, to do next. I have various options spinning around my head, but all have drawbacks.
I could do nothing and just wait for her to be ready to get back in touch with me. This has worked previously when she has been avoiding contact, but those times she wasn't talking to me because of issues going on in her own life. This time she is angry at something I have said so it may be different. Plus I am not sure I can just wait it out.
I could contact her to say I understand she needs time with no contact from me and that I will give her space and am here when she is ready to speak to me again. This still seems a bit open ended.
I could tell her how much I miss her, how I want to be able to talk to her again, to have long, hilarious phone chats with her, that I am sorry, and that I want her friendship. I have though tried this before and I ended up feeling more hurt and getting angry with her because I was still being ignored despite baring all my emotions and telling her how much I cared.
I could be brutal, which is the option I think my friend E would prefer I took. Her take on things was that I have the patience of a saint. I do feel that my patience is wearing a little thin and occasionally this week I have felt like emailing her to tell her how much what she said hurts, how she can't just say that out of the blue then disappear, that if I was using her I would not have stuck by her and supported her through everything that has happened to her over the past year or three, that I am tired of her going AWOL on me every few months, that I find it more and more stressful each time she does it, that I am not unbreakable as she seems to think I am (she always marvels at how strong I seem when there are all sorts of issues going on with my family).
But I worry that that would hurt her and that it seems put all the blame on her. Am I justified in losing patience with her? Should I put some of the blame on myself?
Hopefully she will get back in touch over the next few days. If not I really don't know what to do for the best. And if she does get back in touch I am not sure I can just go back to being friends without discussing what happened. I also might need to tell her that I can't cope with her disappearing regularly. We'll see what this week brings.
I arrived at the station hoping she might me there to meet me. She wasn't. I phoned her and got her voicemail and left a quick message saying I was headed to the coffee shop if she was free to join me but that it was ok if she couldn't. I almost set my phone not to show my number in the hope that she'd pick up and I'd get to speak to her, but decided that her not answering because she knew it was me was marginally better than her answering then putting the phone down when she realised it was me. I heard nothing from her. I sat in the coffee shop nursing a coffee for just over half an hour, took a slow walk back to the station, then let her know I was off home and that I hoped we could speak soon.
Part of me is wondering whether my voicemail should have been more "emotional", apologising for hurting her, telling her I was missing her and asking if we can sort things out, but I would have felt odd and perhaps a bit needy leaving that as a message. She may of course have been busy, she may be not in the mood for not answering her phone to anybody. But whatever the reason for her lack of response today, the fact remains that I have heard nothing from her since last Monday.
I now have no idea what, if anything, to do next. I have various options spinning around my head, but all have drawbacks.
I could do nothing and just wait for her to be ready to get back in touch with me. This has worked previously when she has been avoiding contact, but those times she wasn't talking to me because of issues going on in her own life. This time she is angry at something I have said so it may be different. Plus I am not sure I can just wait it out.
I could contact her to say I understand she needs time with no contact from me and that I will give her space and am here when she is ready to speak to me again. This still seems a bit open ended.
I could tell her how much I miss her, how I want to be able to talk to her again, to have long, hilarious phone chats with her, that I am sorry, and that I want her friendship. I have though tried this before and I ended up feeling more hurt and getting angry with her because I was still being ignored despite baring all my emotions and telling her how much I cared.
I could be brutal, which is the option I think my friend E would prefer I took. Her take on things was that I have the patience of a saint. I do feel that my patience is wearing a little thin and occasionally this week I have felt like emailing her to tell her how much what she said hurts, how she can't just say that out of the blue then disappear, that if I was using her I would not have stuck by her and supported her through everything that has happened to her over the past year or three, that I am tired of her going AWOL on me every few months, that I find it more and more stressful each time she does it, that I am not unbreakable as she seems to think I am (she always marvels at how strong I seem when there are all sorts of issues going on with my family).
But I worry that that would hurt her and that it seems put all the blame on her. Am I justified in losing patience with her? Should I put some of the blame on myself?
Hopefully she will get back in touch over the next few days. If not I really don't know what to do for the best. And if she does get back in touch I am not sure I can just go back to being friends without discussing what happened. I also might need to tell her that I can't cope with her disappearing regularly. We'll see what this week brings.
Thursday, 24 March 2011
Accused
My friend T seems to have fallen out with me and stopped talking to me because I told her I probably couldn't go to a concert with her. I haven't heard from her since Monday and I don't know what to do about it.
The full story is this. It goes on a bit so feel free to ignore, I just feel a need to write it all down. T and I go to a lot of gigs together. It's what we "do" and what we are known for among my friends and hers. We went to a concert a few weeks ago and had a brilliant time, so much so that we booked to see the same artist later this year at a venue a flight away from where we live. We also booked the flight.
We have quite few concerts arranged for the coming months. We (in our separate homes) watched something on TV over the weekend about one of the bands we're due to see and it really whetted our appetites. After watching, T tried to track down tickets for another venue for this band and thought she found some good ones, I asked where she'd found them.
Next day she emailed me sounded pretty excited to say she'd found some really good tickets on an ebay type site, more than face value but not extortionately priced, and said she was thinking how great it would be to go.
I had overnight thought about whether I would want to go and whether I could go, and realised I have hardly any free weekends between now and August. I need to fit in meeting up with an old friend (actually my longest standing friend - I've know her since we were 5) sometime in one of those weekends, and the weekend of this new concert was one that Oldest Friend had mentioned she was probably free.
I replied to T saying I didn't think I could commit at the moment to another weekend away, as I needed to organise seeing Oldest Friend and that weekend was a possible date for the meet up. I did say if I ended up being free that weekend I would let her know (the concert tickets are not likely to sell out over the next couple of weeks). I went off to a meeting at work and returned to find an email from T telling me not to bother and saying that I have no idea how I appear to use people. She also made a comment that she was sure it would have been a different story if it was one of my favourite bands.
I felt sick and almost burst into tears at my desk. It really hurt that she would be that cold, short and angry with me. I replied immediately saying I had no idea I came across that way and asking her why she thought that. I apologised that my email may have seemed a bit abrupt (I was not having the best of days at work and was in a hurry to get to a meeting when I wrote it). She didn't reply.
Next day I texted her to tell her I'd put a cheque in the post to pay my half of our latest concert booking. Her reply just said OK, and that I could have the recently bought tickets and to let me know what name to change her plane ticket to (she knows my other friends aren't really into concerts so I don't know who she thought I might get to go with me). I texted that I didn't want to go with anyone but her and that I was still confused about what she'd said about using people, and asked if we could at least talk. I have heard nothing from her since.
I have told my Best Friend and another friend the story and both have said to just leave her, not contact her and she will forget this and get back in touch. This isn't the first time she has stopped talking to me and on previous occasions she has indeed got back in touch eventually. The other times however she hasn't accused me of using people. It hurts to be accused of that and I spent most of the day she said it trying to work out what I'd done. Best Friend however reassured me that I am not using T and that she is overreacting. She pointed out that I am entitled to say no to invitations and that T doesn't own me.
T does have very low self esteem and I wonder if it was me saying I needed to arrange seeing Oldest Friend before I could commit to the concert is what angered her. Did she feel like she was second best? I do know that none of my other friends would have reacted like that to what I said.
If she does get back in touch I am not sure a simple sorry will be enough this time, I think we would need to talk about why she said what she did. And if she doesn't get back in touch then we have the practical problem of a whole lot of concerts booked together and we will need to sort out what will happen to the tickets.
I have to confess that there is a part of me which wants to email her to tell her exactly how this has made me feel and to remind her that someone who was using her would not have given her the support I have given her over the past year or two.
If I don't hear from her in the next week I will need to decide what to do as our next concert is soon. Do I continue to ignore her and just accept missing the concert (which we've both really been looking forward to)? Do I contact her to ask if she wants to go to the concert? Do I ask her to please just talk to me? And what if she continues to ignore me?
The full story is this. It goes on a bit so feel free to ignore, I just feel a need to write it all down. T and I go to a lot of gigs together. It's what we "do" and what we are known for among my friends and hers. We went to a concert a few weeks ago and had a brilliant time, so much so that we booked to see the same artist later this year at a venue a flight away from where we live. We also booked the flight.
We have quite few concerts arranged for the coming months. We (in our separate homes) watched something on TV over the weekend about one of the bands we're due to see and it really whetted our appetites. After watching, T tried to track down tickets for another venue for this band and thought she found some good ones, I asked where she'd found them.
Next day she emailed me sounded pretty excited to say she'd found some really good tickets on an ebay type site, more than face value but not extortionately priced, and said she was thinking how great it would be to go.
I had overnight thought about whether I would want to go and whether I could go, and realised I have hardly any free weekends between now and August. I need to fit in meeting up with an old friend (actually my longest standing friend - I've know her since we were 5) sometime in one of those weekends, and the weekend of this new concert was one that Oldest Friend had mentioned she was probably free.
I replied to T saying I didn't think I could commit at the moment to another weekend away, as I needed to organise seeing Oldest Friend and that weekend was a possible date for the meet up. I did say if I ended up being free that weekend I would let her know (the concert tickets are not likely to sell out over the next couple of weeks). I went off to a meeting at work and returned to find an email from T telling me not to bother and saying that I have no idea how I appear to use people. She also made a comment that she was sure it would have been a different story if it was one of my favourite bands.
I felt sick and almost burst into tears at my desk. It really hurt that she would be that cold, short and angry with me. I replied immediately saying I had no idea I came across that way and asking her why she thought that. I apologised that my email may have seemed a bit abrupt (I was not having the best of days at work and was in a hurry to get to a meeting when I wrote it). She didn't reply.
Next day I texted her to tell her I'd put a cheque in the post to pay my half of our latest concert booking. Her reply just said OK, and that I could have the recently bought tickets and to let me know what name to change her plane ticket to (she knows my other friends aren't really into concerts so I don't know who she thought I might get to go with me). I texted that I didn't want to go with anyone but her and that I was still confused about what she'd said about using people, and asked if we could at least talk. I have heard nothing from her since.
I have told my Best Friend and another friend the story and both have said to just leave her, not contact her and she will forget this and get back in touch. This isn't the first time she has stopped talking to me and on previous occasions she has indeed got back in touch eventually. The other times however she hasn't accused me of using people. It hurts to be accused of that and I spent most of the day she said it trying to work out what I'd done. Best Friend however reassured me that I am not using T and that she is overreacting. She pointed out that I am entitled to say no to invitations and that T doesn't own me.
T does have very low self esteem and I wonder if it was me saying I needed to arrange seeing Oldest Friend before I could commit to the concert is what angered her. Did she feel like she was second best? I do know that none of my other friends would have reacted like that to what I said.
If she does get back in touch I am not sure a simple sorry will be enough this time, I think we would need to talk about why she said what she did. And if she doesn't get back in touch then we have the practical problem of a whole lot of concerts booked together and we will need to sort out what will happen to the tickets.
I have to confess that there is a part of me which wants to email her to tell her exactly how this has made me feel and to remind her that someone who was using her would not have given her the support I have given her over the past year or two.
If I don't hear from her in the next week I will need to decide what to do as our next concert is soon. Do I continue to ignore her and just accept missing the concert (which we've both really been looking forward to)? Do I contact her to ask if she wants to go to the concert? Do I ask her to please just talk to me? And what if she continues to ignore me?
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