Is he, or isn't he?

Sooo, it's been a while. First things first, over two years since my last post I am still a virgin and have still never had a boyfriend. I do own my own home, the apartment I was trying to buy last time I blogged. Well, technically the bank currently owns most of it, but I live here by myself with all my own furniture and all my own belongings, and I don't have any random housemates hogging the kitchen or bathroom, or wanting to talk in the evening when I just want to relax and be an introvert :) I sometimes have a mild panic about owning my own home and that if anything goes wrong or breaks I have to fix it myself, or pay to get it fixed, but that's the only downside I have found so far.

I've had a mainly fun couple of years - I've spent time with friends, been to concerts, gone on holidays solo, with friends and with family. My 40th birthday came and went without any particular stress about being "old".  I still get emails from eHarmony telling me about matches, but I haven't opened any for ages, they go straight to trash. I haven't felt like trying online dating again. For the most part, I think I have come to some sort of acceptance that I am highly likely to be single for the rest of my life. 

And then, over the past few weeks something has been happening which has got me a little confused, a little excited, a little frustrated and a little nervous. There's a guy at work. Let's call him Shy Guy, because he is a little shy. He's a really nice, friendly, gentlemanly guy, and is quite attractive. I've known him since I started in this job, but until recently had only thought of him as a colleague as he has had a girlfriend for much of the time I've known him, plus he is a bit younger than me.

Earlier this year he got a new job at the same grade as me and since then has occasionally asked me for help/advice/tips, so we've spent a bit more time with each other at work than we used to, and I started to feel quite comfortable and at ease around him and able to be myself.   

A few weeks ago a few of us who are on the same grade had a bad week at work, so I suggested I organise a night out for us, dinner and a few drinks. Since I made that suggestion, it feels as if something might possibly be developing between us, and I think (but may be completely misinterpreting things) that he is showing signs of being interested in me.

Not long after I suggested a night out, he texted me one evening after he'd left work late to say we definitely needed to arrange it. I suggested a date and venue and invited people, and three of us agreed to go. In the couple of weeks before the dinner, he asked me several times if I was still able to go, and twice when the third person wasn't sure if he could make the day or time, Shy Guy said just the two of us should go (at the time I thought he said it jokingly, now I'm not too sure). 

In the end Shy Guy and had went for a couple of drinks on our own, and were then joined for dinner by the other guy. I felt fairly comfortable having drinks with him, and only a little nervous as it was officially just drinks with a work friend, rather than a date. We're both quite shy but we kept the conversation going and there weren't too many awkward silences, and I started to feel as if I would quite like to be more than friends with him. Later that evening, after I got home he texted to thank me for organising, saying he enjoyed the meal and the company. I thought he was just being polite....

The following week, after I'd had a stressful day at work he texted me completely out of the blue to say I looked like I could have done with a coffee, and that we could go grab one sometime if I liked. I replied that would be great. So, we had coffee one lunchtime later that week. We talked about a mix of work and non-work things. There were some silences, but at the same time the hour didn't drag and I didn't at any point wish the time was over. 

Since then we've had coffee a couple more times, once initiated by him, and once by me when I desperately wanted to text him one evening last week but didn't want to text something random with no reason and come across as needy, or trying to get a reply, Instead I just sent "fancy coffee tomorrow?" His yes came back within a minute, followed quickly by a how was your day. 

We've had a few other text chats, some started by me, some by him. Nothing particularly flirty, more just getting to know each other. 

The last time we went for coffee he stood very close to me as we queued, and was right in my personal space. Ordinarily with someone else I think I would have moved away, but it didn't feel uncomfortable being that close so I stayed where I was.

He's asking me a lot of questions, and is remembering everything I say to him, even the most mundane things (such as I mentioned before we left work that I was probably having eggs for dinner that evening, he asked me the next day if I'd had the eggs)

If by around mid morning at work we haven't seen each other, when I pass his office he calls out "Morning Katya" or "Hello Katya", and is very smiley when I put my head round the door to say hi, or go into the office to chat for a couple of minutes. 

There are quite a lot of smiles and laughs from him when we're talking. 

I am rubbish at reading body language so I'm not going to attempt to interpret his. 

The result of all of this is I am spending a fair bit of time wondering whether or not he is interested in me, some time getting frustrated that he hasn't asked me on an official date, some time being nervous about what happens if he does ask me on a date, some time wondering if dating a work colleague is a good idea, and some time being excited about what might happen. 

Fear

I think I'm a little afraid of men. Not all men. Married or attached men, those I don't find at all attractive and those who are much older or younger than me, I have no problem with. But single men, around my age, who I find at least sort of attractive or who I might possibly find attractive, they scare the hell out of me just by talking to me.

I went into the kitchen at work one day last week to find a guy who works down my corridor already in there. I speak to him quite often about work related things, and have had one or two fairly short conversations with him about non-work things. I don't look at him and immediately find myself attracted to him, but I have occasionally thought that I possibly could find him attractive in certain circumstances (such as if he asked me on a date).

As we made our various cups of tea and coffee we said a few random things to each other, and then he asked me if I had any plans for the weekend. I told him I had none, he said the same, I mentioned something hobby-related which I did last weekend, which prompted a further question from him. We were almost having a proper conversation.

And I was scared. He was surely only making conversation as making drinks in silence can feel a bit awkward. But I was thinking "Why did he ask that? He can't like me??? What if he asks me out? How do I handle that? How do I cope with a date? I can't talk to him, he'll think I like him." I had all sorts of nonsense running through my mind, nonsense which stems from my total lack of experience with men. To me, going on a date, being in a relationship with a man, are things as new and alien to me as sky-diving or bungee-jumping, and are every bit as scary.

Other people find the thought of a first date exciting. I wish I did. Instead, I am stuck with fear. Fear of not knowing what to do and of doing it all wrong. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of looking like an idiot. Fear of being found out.

Changes

This past week has been rather eventful, a little stressful, but quite exciting. I had the interview midweek and immediately afterwards I wasn’t sure how it had gone. Some questions I felt I answered well, others I thought I could have answered more fully, and for a few I wasn’t sure my answers were very articulate.

They said they wanted to make a quick decision and would let me know one way or the other later that day, or the next. I received a call right at the end of the working day. I fully expected it to be a “thank you for coming to the interview, we decided someone else was more suitable” type call.

It wasn’t. They offered me the job, and asked me to decide whether to accept by the following day. I think I was probably in shock for the rest of the evening, and was slightly panicked about the extra responsibility the job entails.

I had already arranged to meet E and A and another friend for a drink and when I told them the news they were hugely excited for me and told me that I absolutely had to accept and that I can definitely do the job. They’re right on both counts: I can do the job, extra responsibility and all, and I would kick myself if I rejected the offer and found myself still stuck in my current job and going nowhere in a year’s time.

I’m now negotiating my notice period and will need to find somewhere to live in the new city. The next couple of months are going to be very busy and probably quite stressful, but I am fine with that because the flipside is that some of the change I need is coming sooner than I ever expected.

As for Chatty Guy, there is nothing much to say. He’s been his usual self and I’ve been too preoccupied with interview thoughts to try any flirting. He joined a few of us for drinks Friday night, which was fun, but it did just feel like drinks with friends. I’m really not sure there is anything there, from his side anyway. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to keep blogging about him, especially if it’s the same “I tried flirting, nothing happened” scenarios each time. I suspect it might just send me into over-analysis mode, which is the last thing I want or need.

Things on my mind

A few things have happened so far this week, some good, some not so, which have left me a little pre-occupied.

The good is that I have an interview for a job I applied for a couple of weeks ago! It’s the same sort of job as my current one, but is effectively a promotion, which means that while it wouldn’t be too much out of my comfort zone, it would be more challenging and give me more responsibility. It’s also in a different town, so all in all it would be at least some of the change I’ve been wanting.

As I think I said before it’s not my dream job, and I’m not sure how much I really want it, but it is a job I could do and would probably be happy doing and I will try to prepare well for the interview. If nothing else it will be good interview practice and will give me an idea of how my interview technique is, as it’s been a while since I had one. It was also a boost to my confidence to know that my skills and experience are good enough to get me an interview. I am quite nervous already (that feeling started as soon as I read the email), but hope that will subside.

The not so good is a couple of things. My friend T is not doing too well at the moment. It seems the older guy from her work who she hoped she might start a relationship with has been treating her badly, and she is feeling quite depressed. I would love to be able to do something to make her feel better, but at the moment all I can really do is be there for her as and when she needs me.

The other not so good is a family problem which I don’t want to go into too much detail about. I hope it will work itself out, but at the moment I’m a little pessimistic.

I have seen Chatty Guy a couple of times. He was his usual talkative, teasing self, but did mention an attractive woman he briefly spoke to on his way home from the Christmas dinner. If he was interested in me in any way surely he wouldn’t be telling me about finding other women attractive? I haven’t managed to try any interested-in-him signs yet. Actually I’m not too sure what I can do in front of my colleagues. Maybe I’ll try a little emailing?

The Friday afternoon question

You know one thing I really hate about Fridays at work? It’s that moment towards the end of the afternoon when a colleague pipes up “so what’s everyone doing at the weekend?” in such an enthusiastic manner that you just feel she’s only asking so she can proceed to tell you all about what exciting things she and her boyfriend will be doing.

Do you know what colleague? I don’t want to know what you’re doing this weekend. I don’t want to hear about the party you’re going to or your trip to the theatre. I don’t want to listen to the long list of what you have planned.
Hearing it reminds me of what I wish I was doing and of what I assume everyone else but me is doing (even though I know they’re probably not).

So I don’t want to know. If I did, I would have asked you. But as I didn’t ask, please don’t insist on telling me.

And I don’t want to tell you that I’m not really doing anything. I don’t want you to know that I have no party to go to. I don’t want to say that my list of plans mostly consists of sitting around alone in front of the TV.

Verbalising it reminds me of how it will be and somehow makes it more real. By the same token if I don’t say it out loud, maybe it won’t happen. I know that doesn’t make any sense. What it boils down to though is: I don’t want to tell you, so please don’t ask.

She is in essence a nice person and I wish she hadn’t brought on this little rant. I feel I’m being horrible and bitter. It’s just that I hate, hate, hate that damn question.

In the eyes of others

I finally got around to meeting up for a drink with Sociable Guy. We had quite a pleasant evening, and a quiet one by his standards – just me, him, his new girlfriend and one of my work colleagues who also knows Sociable Guy.

It was interesting to meet the new girlfriend. She seemed a little quirky, as is he, and appears to have led an unbelievably fascinating life so far; she’s travelled, done charity work, “lived her dream” on another continent. Oh, and been married and divorced. She must be around my age so I did feel somewhat inadequate and just a touch boring compared to her. She’s done so many things I’d love to do but for whatever reason haven’t.

I did have some minor news of my own in that I am in the process of applying for new job. I’m not sure whether I’m likely to get an interview, or even whether I really want the job, but it feels like one small hurdle crossed in the attempt to change my life. I have actually, properly, started a job application and if I can do it once I can do it again.

My work colleague made a bit of a random comment when I mentioned the job application. He said maybe I’d find a man if I end up moving to the new job (it’s in a different town), because after all I haven’t met one in x years in this town and workplace. He said it in a well meaning way (although it was nothing like the encouraging comments I get from Sociable Guy), but it did give me a little insight into how others might see me.

I’ve never thought of myself as the sad, older, single woman at my workplace, even thought I am the only older, single woman there and even though sad, older and single is pretty much how I think of myself outside the context of work. At work I’m just me who sits in such and such an office, doing such and such a job, and who is someone most people know or know of.

But my work colleague obviously sees me as a single woman who hasn’t managed to find a man in x years. Does he have an opinion on why I’m still single? Does he think I can find someone? Does he think I’m a lost cause? Was he just being polite when he said maybe I’d find a man? Do other people share his view? Do they judge me as a person because I have failed to have a relationship since they’ve known me? Do people feel sorry for me?

Part of me wants to know the answers to those questions, but most of me doesn’t. If the answers are positive I’ll just think the same as I have for the past 10 years, that is, that they’re lying. If they’re negative, well, I have more than enough negative opinions of my own already. I really don’t need to know that everyone else agrees.

One of the guys?

This has been a bad week at work so far. There has been a problem which required me to liaise with various departments in an attempt to get it resolved. It still wasn’t fixed by the time I left work today. Then something I spent hours setting up in a database then didn’t work as it was supposed to. I’m not sure I can get it to work. On top of that I’ve had new tasks thrown at me from all directions.

I arrived home exhausted and fed up and spent a couple of hours browsing the internet for job vacancies in my sector of work, and for other possibilities. I even started a couple of online applications. I’m not terribly optimistic that this will lead to any actual, real-life, concrete change of job. Next week when everything has calmed down at work I’m likely to slip back into my usual procrastination and never get round to completing the applications. Still, it’s further than I’ve got in a while. Maybe next time I have a bad week I will complete the online application form....and the time after that I will actually submit it...

One other thing that has been occupying my mind at work is a guy who works in my department. Well, more something he said really. This guy, G, often pops into my office to say hi and have a chat. He’s a nice, friendly sort, I get on okay with him and we chat about non-work stuff, but I’ve never seen him outside work so wouldn’t really call him a friend.

Anyway, the other day he was in my office and a new female colleague appeared in the doorway and asked if he could help her out with something. He said he’d be with her in a minute and when she’d gone turned to me and made a comment about her being “hot”. And it occurred to me that if he’s saying that to me, does that mean he sees me as “one of the guys”?

Sociable Guy does a similar thing in that when we’re out he will point out women he finds attractive (immediately before apologising for ogling other women instead of talking to me). I never really had male friends when I was younger, but in recent years I have made some, mainly developing from going for after work drinks with a group of them.

None has been interested in anything more than friendship (to my knowledge anyway) and I think they do tend to see me as one of the guys and talk about “guy things” in front of me. I kind of like that because it means there’s no ambiguity about our friendships and nobody is wondering whether there is a hidden agenda.

I guess there must be something about the way I interact with them that makes them feel like that. Or maybe it’s my “keep your distance, I’m scared of relationships” vibes. I don’t know. Whatever it is, I wonder sometimes whether it is such a good thing, especially when it comes to meeting new men. If I’m going to be seen as one of the guys am I automatically not potential girlfriend material? Do I need to act more “like a woman” or more “girlie” for men to consider me as possibly more than a friend?