I think I'm a little afraid of men. Not all men. Married or attached men, those I don't find at all attractive and those who are much older or younger than me, I have no problem with. But single men, around my age, who I find at least sort of attractive or who I might possibly find attractive, they scare the hell out of me just by talking to me.
I went into the kitchen at work one day last week to find a guy who works down my corridor already in there. I speak to him quite often about work related things, and have had one or two fairly short conversations with him about non-work things. I don't look at him and immediately find myself attracted to him, but I have occasionally thought that I possibly could find him attractive in certain circumstances (such as if he asked me on a date).
As we made our various cups of tea and coffee we said a few random things to each other, and then he asked me if I had any plans for the weekend. I told him I had none, he said the same, I mentioned something hobby-related which I did last weekend, which prompted a further question from him. We were almost having a proper conversation.
And I was scared. He was surely only making conversation as making drinks in silence can feel a bit awkward. But I was thinking "Why did he ask that? He can't like me??? What if he asks me out? How do I handle that? How do I cope with a date? I can't talk to him, he'll think I like him." I had all sorts of nonsense running through my mind, nonsense which stems from my total lack of experience with men. To me, going on a date, being in a relationship with a man, are things as new and alien to me as sky-diving or bungee-jumping, and are every bit as scary.
Other people find the thought of a first date exciting. I wish I did. Instead, I am stuck with fear. Fear of not knowing what to do and of doing it all wrong. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of looking like an idiot. Fear of being found out.
Showing posts with label single. Show all posts
Showing posts with label single. Show all posts
Saturday, 4 February 2012
Thursday, 3 June 2010
This could go one of two ways
I am going away for the weekend with T tomorrow. I was really looking forward to it. We're going to a city we've been to once before and want to see more of, and have a concert to go to.
Part of me still is excited. However, another part of me is a little apprehensive. T has a new boyfriend and is, by her own admission, very loved-up. She said the other day that she was likely to be unbearable this weekend. I don't mind hearing some things about her new man and how happy she is, but I'm not sure I can cope with an whole weekend of being told how wonderful he is. It's only likely to make me feel even more single and unwanted and I suspect I may be fed up of it by Friday evening.
The fact that she has acknowledged that she might be very annoying does give me some hope though, as when I've had enough I can probably tell her, in the nicest possible way, that it's time to change the subject.
Part of me still is excited. However, another part of me is a little apprehensive. T has a new boyfriend and is, by her own admission, very loved-up. She said the other day that she was likely to be unbearable this weekend. I don't mind hearing some things about her new man and how happy she is, but I'm not sure I can cope with an whole weekend of being told how wonderful he is. It's only likely to make me feel even more single and unwanted and I suspect I may be fed up of it by Friday evening.
The fact that she has acknowledged that she might be very annoying does give me some hope though, as when I've had enough I can probably tell her, in the nicest possible way, that it's time to change the subject.
Thursday, 27 May 2010
Left behind yet again
That guy I mentioned a few posts back who was flirting with my friend T? He is now officially her boyfriend. So again, I am the odd one out, the only single person among my female friends. I spoke to her earlier and she says today is the happiest day of her life and she can't stop smiling. And that is great, I love her to bits and she deserves some happiness after a tough last year or two.
But it makes me dwell even more on what the hell is wrong with me that I have reached my age without having a boyfriend. T has known this guy for about a month. He has worked in her office for a couple of weeks and been flirting with her for a little less than that. She is not the type of woman who goes from guy to guy and is never single, far from it in fact. She is not very confident with men and has, to my knowledge, had 3 relationships. But she does at least attract men, which is more than I do apparently.
None of the guys I contacted on eHarmony have responded and nobody has contacted me. I've just been on the site a fired off more questions to a few more guys. I don't know what else I can do. I'm trying, I signed up for online dating, I'm contacting guys, but it's not getting me anywhere.
But it makes me dwell even more on what the hell is wrong with me that I have reached my age without having a boyfriend. T has known this guy for about a month. He has worked in her office for a couple of weeks and been flirting with her for a little less than that. She is not the type of woman who goes from guy to guy and is never single, far from it in fact. She is not very confident with men and has, to my knowledge, had 3 relationships. But she does at least attract men, which is more than I do apparently.
None of the guys I contacted on eHarmony have responded and nobody has contacted me. I've just been on the site a fired off more questions to a few more guys. I don't know what else I can do. I'm trying, I signed up for online dating, I'm contacting guys, but it's not getting me anywhere.
Friday, 9 January 2009
A good clear out
Today has been a slightly strange day. It was much busier than a normal Friday because I have a lot of things I need to complete at work before I leave. For a lot of the day I was also worrying about my friend T, who I had an email from yesterday. The older guy at her work continues to treat her badly and she‘s not taking it well. She seems to be very depressed, and I think I really need to persuade her to get professional help. I really hope I can talk her into it.
Earlier this evening I was at work a little later than usual, and as I sat alone in the office Chatty Guy walked past, did a double take, then wandered in. I expected him to say hi, ask why I was there so late then disappear, but he sat himself down and we chatted for about 20 minutes. I could’ve kicked myself after he’d left though, because I had an opportunity to spend a bit more time with him and didn’t take it. He’s considering moving into the same complex of flats I live in and said he hadn’t seen the inside of one yet. At that point I should’ve said he was welcome to drop in to mine and take a look, but I didn’t. I thought it, but I stupidly didn’t say it. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do so on Monday.
There’s part of me that wishes that if he isn’t interested he would just stop being quite so friendly. It makes it very difficult for me to tell whether he’s just being friendly or if there’s something more to it. I guess that’s just how society is nowadays though, with men and women often being genuinely just friends, with no expectation of anything else. In the past he might only have approached me if he was interested, but now....who knows who’s interested and who’s not. I have male friends, and he has female friends, so it’s actually normal for us to be as we are with each other.
I spent the rest of the evening sorting through cupboards and throwing things away, or having a good clear out as my family would say. I couldn’t believe the sort of things I’d hoarded. Random birthday and Christmas cards with no particular significance, years old job rejection letters, and all sorts of hand written notes relating to job hunting 11 years ago. I seem to have kept drafts of almost every application letter I ever sent. It was interesting and a little poignant to read them now, to see how I sold myself then, what my hopes were for my future career, what I wanted to do with my life.
My life certainly hasn’t gone the way I hoped it would back then, but there have been interesting times, I’ve learnt a lot, seen some of the world and I’ve made some great friends. There is of course the whole never had boyfriend thing, which I definitely did not expect to still be true all this time later, and which is the aspect of my life I’m most unhappy with. However, the forthcoming new job and home are taking my mind off that at the moment.
A few colleagues at work have made comments about maybe finding myself a man when I move, which I think indicates that I’m seen as the eternally single woman at my workplace. Some people have said change begets change, which I suppose can be true, but I’m not that hopeful. If it hasn’t happened so far in the various places I’ve lived, why would it just because I moved and started a new job? I will though make the effort to put myself out there. I’ll do classes and clubs and generally try to meet people as I won’t know anyone. One advantage I do have is that I am more confident now than I was when I first moved to my current town. I’m still essentially shy, but I can make conversation (sort of) and I’m not scared to walk into a class or club alone.
We shall see.
Earlier this evening I was at work a little later than usual, and as I sat alone in the office Chatty Guy walked past, did a double take, then wandered in. I expected him to say hi, ask why I was there so late then disappear, but he sat himself down and we chatted for about 20 minutes. I could’ve kicked myself after he’d left though, because I had an opportunity to spend a bit more time with him and didn’t take it. He’s considering moving into the same complex of flats I live in and said he hadn’t seen the inside of one yet. At that point I should’ve said he was welcome to drop in to mine and take a look, but I didn’t. I thought it, but I stupidly didn’t say it. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do so on Monday.
There’s part of me that wishes that if he isn’t interested he would just stop being quite so friendly. It makes it very difficult for me to tell whether he’s just being friendly or if there’s something more to it. I guess that’s just how society is nowadays though, with men and women often being genuinely just friends, with no expectation of anything else. In the past he might only have approached me if he was interested, but now....who knows who’s interested and who’s not. I have male friends, and he has female friends, so it’s actually normal for us to be as we are with each other.
I spent the rest of the evening sorting through cupboards and throwing things away, or having a good clear out as my family would say. I couldn’t believe the sort of things I’d hoarded. Random birthday and Christmas cards with no particular significance, years old job rejection letters, and all sorts of hand written notes relating to job hunting 11 years ago. I seem to have kept drafts of almost every application letter I ever sent. It was interesting and a little poignant to read them now, to see how I sold myself then, what my hopes were for my future career, what I wanted to do with my life.
My life certainly hasn’t gone the way I hoped it would back then, but there have been interesting times, I’ve learnt a lot, seen some of the world and I’ve made some great friends. There is of course the whole never had boyfriend thing, which I definitely did not expect to still be true all this time later, and which is the aspect of my life I’m most unhappy with. However, the forthcoming new job and home are taking my mind off that at the moment.
A few colleagues at work have made comments about maybe finding myself a man when I move, which I think indicates that I’m seen as the eternally single woman at my workplace. Some people have said change begets change, which I suppose can be true, but I’m not that hopeful. If it hasn’t happened so far in the various places I’ve lived, why would it just because I moved and started a new job? I will though make the effort to put myself out there. I’ll do classes and clubs and generally try to meet people as I won’t know anyone. One advantage I do have is that I am more confident now than I was when I first moved to my current town. I’m still essentially shy, but I can make conversation (sort of) and I’m not scared to walk into a class or club alone.
We shall see.
Thursday, 20 November 2008
In the eyes of others
I finally got around to meeting up for a drink with Sociable Guy. We had quite a pleasant evening, and a quiet one by his standards – just me, him, his new girlfriend and one of my work colleagues who also knows Sociable Guy.
It was interesting to meet the new girlfriend. She seemed a little quirky, as is he, and appears to have led an unbelievably fascinating life so far; she’s travelled, done charity work, “lived her dream” on another continent. Oh, and been married and divorced. She must be around my age so I did feel somewhat inadequate and just a touch boring compared to her. She’s done so many things I’d love to do but for whatever reason haven’t.
I did have some minor news of my own in that I am in the process of applying for new job. I’m not sure whether I’m likely to get an interview, or even whether I really want the job, but it feels like one small hurdle crossed in the attempt to change my life. I have actually, properly, started a job application and if I can do it once I can do it again.
My work colleague made a bit of a random comment when I mentioned the job application. He said maybe I’d find a man if I end up moving to the new job (it’s in a different town), because after all I haven’t met one in x years in this town and workplace. He said it in a well meaning way (although it was nothing like the encouraging comments I get from Sociable Guy), but it did give me a little insight into how others might see me.
I’ve never thought of myself as the sad, older, single woman at my workplace, even thought I am the only older, single woman there and even though sad, older and single is pretty much how I think of myself outside the context of work. At work I’m just me who sits in such and such an office, doing such and such a job, and who is someone most people know or know of.
But my work colleague obviously sees me as a single woman who hasn’t managed to find a man in x years. Does he have an opinion on why I’m still single? Does he think I can find someone? Does he think I’m a lost cause? Was he just being polite when he said maybe I’d find a man? Do other people share his view? Do they judge me as a person because I have failed to have a relationship since they’ve known me? Do people feel sorry for me?
Part of me wants to know the answers to those questions, but most of me doesn’t. If the answers are positive I’ll just think the same as I have for the past 10 years, that is, that they’re lying. If they’re negative, well, I have more than enough negative opinions of my own already. I really don’t need to know that everyone else agrees.
It was interesting to meet the new girlfriend. She seemed a little quirky, as is he, and appears to have led an unbelievably fascinating life so far; she’s travelled, done charity work, “lived her dream” on another continent. Oh, and been married and divorced. She must be around my age so I did feel somewhat inadequate and just a touch boring compared to her. She’s done so many things I’d love to do but for whatever reason haven’t.
I did have some minor news of my own in that I am in the process of applying for new job. I’m not sure whether I’m likely to get an interview, or even whether I really want the job, but it feels like one small hurdle crossed in the attempt to change my life. I have actually, properly, started a job application and if I can do it once I can do it again.
My work colleague made a bit of a random comment when I mentioned the job application. He said maybe I’d find a man if I end up moving to the new job (it’s in a different town), because after all I haven’t met one in x years in this town and workplace. He said it in a well meaning way (although it was nothing like the encouraging comments I get from Sociable Guy), but it did give me a little insight into how others might see me.
I’ve never thought of myself as the sad, older, single woman at my workplace, even thought I am the only older, single woman there and even though sad, older and single is pretty much how I think of myself outside the context of work. At work I’m just me who sits in such and such an office, doing such and such a job, and who is someone most people know or know of.
But my work colleague obviously sees me as a single woman who hasn’t managed to find a man in x years. Does he have an opinion on why I’m still single? Does he think I can find someone? Does he think I’m a lost cause? Was he just being polite when he said maybe I’d find a man? Do other people share his view? Do they judge me as a person because I have failed to have a relationship since they’ve known me? Do people feel sorry for me?
Part of me wants to know the answers to those questions, but most of me doesn’t. If the answers are positive I’ll just think the same as I have for the past 10 years, that is, that they’re lying. If they’re negative, well, I have more than enough negative opinions of my own already. I really don’t need to know that everyone else agrees.
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