Not great, but ok

Thank you to everyone for all the advice and encouragement. My worries about the date seemed so silly, so it was a help to know that I'm not the only grown woman concerned about things such as whether she might be a bad kisser.

Anyway, onto the date. I've pretty much summed it up in the title. I wouldn't describe it as a great date, but it was ok, and certainly better than the other two dates I've been on in my life.

I arrived early at the pub and was queuing to buy myself a drink at the bar when I recognised him walking past the window. He didn't however come in straight away (he later said he had walked round the block so he wasn't too early) so I bought myself a drink. I have no idea if that's the done thing on a date, but when I arrive at a pub or bar first when meeting friends, I always buy myself a drink before sitting down. My friends would do the same. None of us would just sit down and wait, so I guess I just did what felt comfortable and natural to me. He walked in as I looking for somewhere to sit. He got himself a drink and we sat down.

And so the date proper...I didn't feel quite as nervous as I thought I would. We managed to keep the conversation going with not too many awkward silences. I learned a bit about him, and he learned a bit about me. There was some laughter, and we chatted a little about an interest we have in common. I didn't hate it and I didn't hate him.

However, I don't think I liked him either, not in the way I would need to go on and have further dates with him. A few times during the evening I found myself not very interested in what he was saying (I feel a bit mean saying that, as I'm sure he found me boring at times too). I'm not sure that I felt any spark, or chemistry, or whatever you want to call it. Although as I've not felt it ever before I wouldn't know what it felt like, but I'm sure I would have known if it had been there. There were a couple of quite negative comments he made about other people which weren't really something you would say to someone you were trying to make a good impression with.

One thing which didn't impress me at all was something he said about his job, which suggested he doesn't work all the hours he is paid for, and has not been doing so for some time. He seemed to be sort of proud of it and said his boss doesn't know about it. Now I'm not a workaholic and work is not by any means the most important thing in my life, but I am fairly conscientious at work, and this attitude just didn't seem "right" to me.

He offered to buy another drink at 10pm, but as I have to get up quite early for work I declined. I suspect that had I felt there was a possibility that I would want to see him again, I would have accepted. There was no kiss, not even a hug. I certainly didn't feel that I wanted to kiss or hug him, and I guess either he felt the same, or I was giving off "I don't want you to touch me" vibes.

Today, thinking back to last night, I realise that I have no particular urge to see him again, or to get to know him better, which I suppose may be an indication the chemistry wasn't there. Despite that, it was good to go on a date, to get over that hurdle of my first date in years, and to have it be not a complete disaster. It was certainly a good idea to meet him sooner rather than later. I will keep plugging away with eHarmony for the moment and see where it takes me.

OK, now I'm panicking

I've just made the mistake of googling for advice on first dates, and have found all sorts of articles about kissing at the end of the date. I'm sure I will manage to converse with him in some way, I think I can seem interesting, I may even be able to make him laugh, but I have no idea how to kiss and am utterly convinced that if it happens I will screw it up. And therefore I am now dreading the end of the date.

And what's with all the online advice which says that you really must kiss on the first date, and if you don't then it means there was no chemistry, or you don't like each other? Is there something wrong with wanting to spend more than a couple of hours with someone before kissing them?

I hate being a 35 year old woman with the relationship and dating experience of a teenager.

Why does this not seem real?

The date appears to still be going ahead on Tuesday, but I've gone from panic last week, to feeling sort of calm. I think it's been so long since I went on a date that it doesn't seem real or possible that I'm going on one.

I decided that on safety grounds, as I will be getting to the date by public transport, I should probably make it in my city so I am somewhere I know and will know all the options for getting home. I asked if he was okay coming here and said I could find us somewhere for dinner or a drink. He's replied that it would be good to "meet for a drink" on Tuesday, which is a little annoying as I was banking on being able to eat to fill any awkward silences. I guess maybe he doesn't want to commit to a full on dinner in case we don't get on, or things go badly?

He did suggest a venue, or rather a particular street in the city, which is known for good, fairly stylish, bars and restaurants, so he gets plus points for that. I will probably eat something small before going out, and if we're getting on I can always suggest that we grab some dinner. He's given me his email address in case I prefer to communicate that way. I've just emailed him and let know what time I can make it on Tuesday.

I am pretty sure that at some point before Tuesday it will all seem scarily real and I will panic again, but I know I will need to relax and try not to put too much pressure on myself to have a "successful" date. I did go into eharmony earlier and send off some initial questions to a few other interesting sounding guys. I don't want to be putting all my efforts and focus on this one, in case it doesn't go well.

Yes, I'm single, no I'm not dating

First things first, the latest with the guy from eharmony. I mailed him when I got back from my weekend away and suggested some evenings when I am free to meet. He replied last night and is busy this weekend, but can do next Tuesday.

Which means I may have a date next Tuesday. Crap. I've only been on two dates in my life and neither was a success. I have too many things to think about, too many decisions to make. He asked where I want to meet. He lives in a town about a 15 minute train ride from my city, so I need to decide whether we meet here or there. If here, I have no idea where we would go. I don't eat out here very often so don't know the best places to go, and the only pubs and bars I know I risk bumping into people I know. So there may be easier.

And what does one wear on a midweek date? Hell, what does one wear on a date full stop? I'm a casual, jeans and a t-shirt or jumper or hoodie kind of girl. Do I stick with jeans but dress up my top half? Do I dress up my top and bottom halves?

If he doesn't suggest what we could do, what should I suggest? Dinner? Or is it too presumptuous to assume he'll want to spend money on dinner, even just his own? If we do go to dinner, do I pay for myself? With female friends I pretty much always do, with male friends I always try to, but the offer is sometimes refused. Should I get out my money when the bill comes and see what he says? I'm sure there will be more questions before Tuesday.

Away from date stress, I had a great weekend at the wedding. It was lovely to be in a different part of the country for a few days and to see friends, the wedding service was lovely, I ate well at the wedding breakfast (and for the rest of the weekend), I danced lots and may have drunk a little too much.

The only downside was a couple of queries about my relationship status. One was from a female ex-colleague who asked "are you single?" over dinner with the girls on the Friday evening. I said yes, still single and tried to laugh it off, mumbling something about working with mostly women and unattractive men. There was a bit of an awkward silence and in truth I felt quite embarrassed to be having to tell her that I was still single. She's never known me to be anything else. On the evening of the wedding, during the disco, a male ex-colleague asked if I was seeing anyone and again I had to say no, and wondered if he thought I was a freak, or a lesbian.

I did feel a bit down on my way home. I had said goodbye to the bride and groom the day after the wedding and they were off on honeymoon together. The colleague who asked if I was single drove home to her husband and children. E and A took me to the station to catch my train, and then went off together. And I travelled home alone and came back to an empty house.

A busy time at work has taken my mind off things since, until today. It seems T has a guy a work who has been flirting with her and may be interested in her. She says she's smiled more today than she has in months. I'm happy for her but I am also wondering how this is happening for her a couple of months after starting the job and only a week or two after meeting him. I've been in my new job well over a year and nothing, nobody. Yes I know it is a terribly cliched way for an eternally single person to feel but I can't help it.

Well, he still sounds interesting

I sent the email. I tried not to make it too long and rambling, gave a bit of information about myself and talked about my plans for Easter. He replied within a day or two and I found that an major interest of mine which I'd mentioned in my email is something he shares. He seems a normal, nice guy with a sense of humour and I still find him interesting, which is good.

I wonder whether I should try to meet him in person soon. I do think I spent too long emailing Scarf Guy instead of meeting him, partly as I wasn't overly interested, and partly due to fear of going on a date. There's only so much you can learn about someone from an email though, and it could take weeks for me to find that actually, we aren't that suited. If I'm still interested after his next message (assuming he replies) and if he doesn't mention meeting in person, I may force myself to be exceedingly brave and suggest it myself.

A (very) short dating history, part 2

The second (and last) date I went on was thankfully much less eventful than the one with Stalker Guy. He was another one from the dating agency. I can’t actually remember who contacted who, but we agreed to meet in a large town nearby, during the day. I travelled by train and met him at the railway station. I wasn’t taking any chances that we might end up alone together, or that he might find out where I lived.

We recognised each other at the station then made our way to the centre of town. We stopped for a while in a coffee shop, and then walked in the sun for a while. We talked and there weren’t too many awkward silences, but I felt no spark and wasn’t particularly feeling that I wanted to get to know him better.

And one thing he talked about made me feel even more that he wasn’t for me. He mentioned that he enjoyed playing computer games, which I have no problem with. I admit I’m a bit of a Luddite when it comes to modern technology, and I’ve never actually owned a games console, but I have friends who do and I find it fun to spend the odd hour or two playing on a Wii or Playstation with them.

Trouble is this guy wasn’t talking about sociable, fun evenings with friends. He was talking about sitting at home for days on end, alone, playing one particular game for most of his waking hours. It sounded as if he spent most of his days off from work in that way.

I just couldn’t see myself dating someone who spent his free time doing that. I may not have the most exciting of social lives, and I’m not the extroverted type who has to be out and seeing people every evening, but I do like to get out of the house and talk to other human beings once in a while, maybe go for a drink, have dinner. I did wonder if I was maybe being too quick to judge, and that maybe he would reduce the gaming if he started dating, but it wasn’t as if I’d started out thinking he was wonderful and then been put off by the gaming. It was just something else to add to the cons list.

After a couple of hours we made our way back to the station, with me getting more nervous the nearer we got about whether he might try to kiss me. He didn’t. I breathed a sigh of relief. We said goodbye and vaguely said we’d contact each other, but neither of us did. So, an unsuccessful date, but not horrible, or creepy, or scary.

I had a couple of other phone calls from dating agency men, but had virtually nothing in common with them (I have no idea what they matched us on). For the rest of the year I was sent details of my matches but I just didn’t feel confident enough to contact any of them – I think I’d used up all my confidence stores on the first two. Plus I was so disappointed in the ones I’d met or spoken to so far that I was pretty pessimistic about meeting anyone better.

Since then there have been a couple of guys I’ve been interested in. One, I’ve mentioned a few times already, the other was a previous work colleague (which seems to be the only place I meet men I’m attracted to) and looking back although I found him attractive I don’t think that ultimately I was that into him in other ways.

And currently? There is someone that I think I might sort of like. I haven’t mentioned it to any of my friends, and I haven’t really admitted it to myself yet, because I’m not completely sure of how I feel. Also I’m fairly convinced already that he’s not interested, so I don’t know whether there is much point admitting it...

A (very) short dating history, part 1

I am feeling somewhat less ranty now and haven't had too bad a weekend so far. I kept myself occupied on Saturday by attempting to shop for Christmas presents, and have spent time on my job application today.

Anyway, as I'm in the mood for writing and there is for once nothing I'm feeling particularly sad, annoyed, fed-up etc about I thought I'd start telling you about my dating history. It won't take long, as I have only been on two actual dates in my life. Both were a few years ago and resulted from me joining a dating agency. This was in the days before online dating took off and entailed me filling in a paper questionnaire asking all about me, my education, my job, my politics, my religion, my appearance, my "hobbies and interests" and what I was looking for in a man.

The all about me bit was quite easy. The what I'm looking for in a man, less so. If I've never had a boyfriend, how do I know what sort of qualities I would want in one? I came up with something and the agency then plugged all of that information into a computer and matched me with various men whose details they sent to me. From the first lot of matches I received I only really liked the sound of one guy. I'll call him Stalker Guy, for reasons which will become clear. They gave me his name, phone number and address, so me being me, I wrote him a letter. Yup, that's right, a proper old-fashioned letter, handwritten in pen, on actual paper, folded into an envelope and put into the post-box. I just couldn't face phoning a complete stranger and trying to hold a conversation.

I had put my phone number on the letter and he called quite soon. I surprised myself by managing to speak back to him and we arranged to meet in a bar the following week. In case we couldn't find each other I told him what car I drove, which turned out later to have been a big mistake.

We met, had a drink, asked each other questions and talked. It wasn't a horrible evening but neither was it wonderful. There were no sparks, not much laughter and I just didn't click with him. I would probably describe it "okay". I didn't think I really wanted to see him again, but thought if he asked I would say yes, just so I had given things a proper chance. We left the bar and as we walked to our cars I realised that he had parked next to mine. He then tried, a little too keenly I felt, to get me to go back to his for coffee. The conversation proceeded thus:

Stalker Guy: Would you like to come back to my place for coffee?

Did he really just ask me that? Does he mean coffee or something more? How do you know if it means something more? I've only just met him, no waaay am I going back for coffee.

Me: No thanks, I have to be up early for work tomorrow.

Stalker Guy: You don't have to stay late.

Me: No, really, I do have to get up early for work, and I'm quite tired.

Stalker Guy: Go on, just come back for one coffee.

He's being a little too pushy, I'm not sure I like this. Why can't he just take no for an answer?

Me: I'm sorry I really can't, I am really tired.

I get into my car.

Stalker Guy: So when can I see you again?

I really don't want to see him again...but I can't just tell him that can I?

Me: Erm, I'm quite busy the next couple of weeks, I'll give you a call. (I can't just drive off now, that would be rude. What else can I say?) Or I could email you? What's your email address?

He gets a pen and piece of paper, writes something on it and hands it to me through the car window. It's illegible.

Me: I can't quite read it, what's that letter?

He walks round to the other side of the car, opens the door and gets in.

Crap, why did I not lock the door?

He takes the piece of paper off me and tells me what it says. And then, completely out of the blue, with no warning or build up, he leans over (actually probably better described as he launches himself at me) and kisses me. And not a nice, exploratory, do-you-want-to-kiss-me-back sort of kiss (obviously I'm imagining here how a kiss might start). No, he went straight for the full on, tongue and everything kiss. I was stunned. Oh dear God he's kissing me....I should kiss him back.. but I'm not sure how. I make a vague effort to join in with the kiss. I'm not actually enjoying this. At all. It feels pretty horrible...I want it to stop... How do I make him stop? I stop trying to kiss him back and manage to pull away from him. He makes a few comments about how pretty my hair is while stroking it. I feel slightly sick. I tell him again that I really need to go home. All the time I'm wondering what the hell I do if he won't get out of my car. Luckily he does. I say goodbye and drive off, going in the opposite direction from home.

I drove to a very public car park, stopped the car and cried. I then called my best friend and told her all about it. I think what I was most upset about was that he had ruined my first kiss, by making it so awful. She calmed me down and I eventually went home.

Over the next few days I got numerous texts and a few lengthy voicemails from him, saying what a lovely time he'd had, how much he liked me and how he hoped to see me again soon. Either he hadn't noticed the lack of spark and that I had hated the kiss, or for some reason he still thought he might get me into bed. If only he knew.....I ignored him for a while then finally sent a text saying I'd had a nice time but that I didn't feel that we were right for each other. That night I was woken by a strange text from him and when I went out to my car later the next day I found it had been vandalised. It was obviously him. I remembered that I had mentioned the area I lived in, and of course he knew what car I owned. I reported it to the police and gave them his name and asked my flatmates to be careful who they let into the flat. I couldn't sleep properly for the next couple of weeks but I heard nothing more from him.

So all in all, it was pretty disastrous first ever date. At the time it felt pretty traumatic, but looking back and having heard and read about other women's dating experiences, it seems like just a particularly bad date (except for the vandalised car part of the tale).

For a while I was upset and angry and disappointed and disillusioned, but I made myself contact someone else from my list of matches. I knew I needed to try again, to go on another date to prove to myself that not all men were going to turn crazy on me. And that date, although also unsuccessful, was thankfully, much less eventful.