Is he, or isn't he?

Sooo, it's been a while. First things first, over two years since my last post I am still a virgin and have still never had a boyfriend. I do own my own home, the apartment I was trying to buy last time I blogged. Well, technically the bank currently owns most of it, but I live here by myself with all my own furniture and all my own belongings, and I don't have any random housemates hogging the kitchen or bathroom, or wanting to talk in the evening when I just want to relax and be an introvert :) I sometimes have a mild panic about owning my own home and that if anything goes wrong or breaks I have to fix it myself, or pay to get it fixed, but that's the only downside I have found so far.

I've had a mainly fun couple of years - I've spent time with friends, been to concerts, gone on holidays solo, with friends and with family. My 40th birthday came and went without any particular stress about being "old".  I still get emails from eHarmony telling me about matches, but I haven't opened any for ages, they go straight to trash. I haven't felt like trying online dating again. For the most part, I think I have come to some sort of acceptance that I am highly likely to be single for the rest of my life. 

And then, over the past few weeks something has been happening which has got me a little confused, a little excited, a little frustrated and a little nervous. There's a guy at work. Let's call him Shy Guy, because he is a little shy. He's a really nice, friendly, gentlemanly guy, and is quite attractive. I've known him since I started in this job, but until recently had only thought of him as a colleague as he has had a girlfriend for much of the time I've known him, plus he is a bit younger than me.

Earlier this year he got a new job at the same grade as me and since then has occasionally asked me for help/advice/tips, so we've spent a bit more time with each other at work than we used to, and I started to feel quite comfortable and at ease around him and able to be myself.   

A few weeks ago a few of us who are on the same grade had a bad week at work, so I suggested I organise a night out for us, dinner and a few drinks. Since I made that suggestion, it feels as if something might possibly be developing between us, and I think (but may be completely misinterpreting things) that he is showing signs of being interested in me.

Not long after I suggested a night out, he texted me one evening after he'd left work late to say we definitely needed to arrange it. I suggested a date and venue and invited people, and three of us agreed to go. In the couple of weeks before the dinner, he asked me several times if I was still able to go, and twice when the third person wasn't sure if he could make the day or time, Shy Guy said just the two of us should go (at the time I thought he said it jokingly, now I'm not too sure). 

In the end Shy Guy and had went for a couple of drinks on our own, and were then joined for dinner by the other guy. I felt fairly comfortable having drinks with him, and only a little nervous as it was officially just drinks with a work friend, rather than a date. We're both quite shy but we kept the conversation going and there weren't too many awkward silences, and I started to feel as if I would quite like to be more than friends with him. Later that evening, after I got home he texted to thank me for organising, saying he enjoyed the meal and the company. I thought he was just being polite....

The following week, after I'd had a stressful day at work he texted me completely out of the blue to say I looked like I could have done with a coffee, and that we could go grab one sometime if I liked. I replied that would be great. So, we had coffee one lunchtime later that week. We talked about a mix of work and non-work things. There were some silences, but at the same time the hour didn't drag and I didn't at any point wish the time was over. 

Since then we've had coffee a couple more times, once initiated by him, and once by me when I desperately wanted to text him one evening last week but didn't want to text something random with no reason and come across as needy, or trying to get a reply, Instead I just sent "fancy coffee tomorrow?" His yes came back within a minute, followed quickly by a how was your day. 

We've had a few other text chats, some started by me, some by him. Nothing particularly flirty, more just getting to know each other. 

The last time we went for coffee he stood very close to me as we queued, and was right in my personal space. Ordinarily with someone else I think I would have moved away, but it didn't feel uncomfortable being that close so I stayed where I was.

He's asking me a lot of questions, and is remembering everything I say to him, even the most mundane things (such as I mentioned before we left work that I was probably having eggs for dinner that evening, he asked me the next day if I'd had the eggs)

If by around mid morning at work we haven't seen each other, when I pass his office he calls out "Morning Katya" or "Hello Katya", and is very smiley when I put my head round the door to say hi, or go into the office to chat for a couple of minutes. 

There are quite a lot of smiles and laughs from him when we're talking. 

I am rubbish at reading body language so I'm not going to attempt to interpret his. 

The result of all of this is I am spending a fair bit of time wondering whether or not he is interested in me, some time getting frustrated that he hasn't asked me on an official date, some time being nervous about what happens if he does ask me on a date, some time wondering if dating a work colleague is a good idea, and some time being excited about what might happen. 

Fear

I think I'm a little afraid of men. Not all men. Married or attached men, those I don't find at all attractive and those who are much older or younger than me, I have no problem with. But single men, around my age, who I find at least sort of attractive or who I might possibly find attractive, they scare the hell out of me just by talking to me.

I went into the kitchen at work one day last week to find a guy who works down my corridor already in there. I speak to him quite often about work related things, and have had one or two fairly short conversations with him about non-work things. I don't look at him and immediately find myself attracted to him, but I have occasionally thought that I possibly could find him attractive in certain circumstances (such as if he asked me on a date).

As we made our various cups of tea and coffee we said a few random things to each other, and then he asked me if I had any plans for the weekend. I told him I had none, he said the same, I mentioned something hobby-related which I did last weekend, which prompted a further question from him. We were almost having a proper conversation.

And I was scared. He was surely only making conversation as making drinks in silence can feel a bit awkward. But I was thinking "Why did he ask that? He can't like me??? What if he asks me out? How do I handle that? How do I cope with a date? I can't talk to him, he'll think I like him." I had all sorts of nonsense running through my mind, nonsense which stems from my total lack of experience with men. To me, going on a date, being in a relationship with a man, are things as new and alien to me as sky-diving or bungee-jumping, and are every bit as scary.

Other people find the thought of a first date exciting. I wish I did. Instead, I am stuck with fear. Fear of not knowing what to do and of doing it all wrong. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of looking like an idiot. Fear of being found out.

Communication is open

I have now moved to "open communication" with Scarf Guy, which means we can now exchange proper messages. He sent the first, quite short as he was sending from an internet cafe while on holiday, but friendly. He told me a little about himself and asked a couple of things about me. He sent it earlier in the week, but I've only just got round to replying this evening. My message was longer than his, and hopefully struck a friendly tone and wasn't too boring.

I am still waiting for Barbados Man to reply to my last lot of questions. And a new guy has sent me questions. One is about how romantic I am, another about my idea of a romantic date, and a third about how physically affectionate I am (do I like hand holding etc). I am really not sure how to answer those. The multiple choices didn't include "no idea, never been in a romantic situation or been affectionate with a man"...This guy's profile put me off a little too. He'd written "dont" and "Im" (i.e. unpunctuated) and that is one of my absolute pet hates. It really doesn't take that long to put the apostrophe in, and without it the words are just plain wrong. Receiving messages spelt like that would drive me mad, so I may give him a miss.

In other news there is not a huge amount going on. I have had quite a lazy day today watching DVDs for the afternoon and evening. I had several which I'd bought ages ago but not got round to watching. It's been quite enjoyable. Next weekend promises to be a more exciting as I'm off to a concert with T.

And last but not least thank you to those readers who have emailed me, it's good to learn a little more about you :)

Wasn't this supposed to be fun?

I arrived home from work feeling a little deflated today. Work was a bit Monday-ish and we were low on staff so I was busy doing all sorts that I don't usually do. And I'm starting to feel like my venture into online dating is never going to amount to anything.

The one guy who responded to my questions ended up closing the match. At least half of the others I've contacted have closed the match without answering the questions. There are currently 22 guys who I have sent questions to who haven't responded in any way. And then there's the ones I wasn't at all interested in or wasn't sure about who have closed the match one me or vice versa.

I had my first questions sent to me at the end of last week. If it had happened a week earlier I think I would've been quite excited but the general jadedness that had set in by last week, as well as who they were from, prevented that.

The questions were sent by a guy who from his photo looks a little odd. He is dressed in a black leather jacket (a formal style one rather than a casual one) and a scarf and is sitting on an armchair inside a house. He's not smiling or looking animated in any way. It looks as if he set up a tripod and put his camera on self-timer. I hadn't actually got round to closing the match because his profile sounded vaguely interesting and I wondered whether he might post more photos and this one would turn out to be just a bad picture.

He did post a couple more photos when he sent the questions and they weren't really much better. One was him in the same outfit standing in front of a car, the other a close up head and shoulders shot. He looks quite stocky, he has shaved/very short hair and generally doesn't look like the men I am usually attracted to. All the men I have contacted so far have been slim-ish, have had hair and have not resembled him in any way.

But in a fit of fed-up-ness at the lack of interest shown by anyone else, rather than close the match I responded to his questions. I'm beginning to wonder whether I should lower my standards when it comes to looks. I don't think they're particularly high, but judging by how many of the men I though attractive have closed the match, maybe I am. Maybe I am going for men who are much more attractive than me and thus out of my league. Or maybe I need to go for men with a different look to my usual "type", as it seems my usual type isn't attracted to me. I don't know.

All of this gets me to thinking about why no man has ever asked me out. Just about every woman I know in real life has been asked out at some point in some way, whether by a friend, an acquaintance, a colleague, a friend of a friend, an acquaintance or someone else. It may not have been an official "let's go on a date", it may have been more of a mutual agreement but it's still better than I have done.

I think I need to stop here, as I feel myself about to cover ground that I'm sure I've covered more than enough previously.

One way traffic so far

Well there isn't really much to update on eharmony. I sent off my questions to guy number one, then looked through the rest of my matches and sent them to four more. I got home tonight and had yet more matches, so sent off questions to four of them. I'm not really sure how many is a sensible number to contact, but based on advice from Ecrivain, I've contacted all those who interested me. I also requested a picture from a couple of guys who sounded interesting.

Last time I logged on a grand total of zero men had answered my questions, which doesn't worry me yet as the first ones I contacted have only had a day or two. I've just checked now and two of them have "closed the match", which is disappointing but not the end of the world.

What is annoying is that one of them used the option of "other" for the reason. Especially so since all the guys who have closed the match without any contact from me have also said "other". Really??? None of the other options was applicable? I've closed a few matches myself and have not used other once. My main one has been that after reading the profile I'm not interested in the match. I also used age gap once. Is it me or is other a cop-out? If it's the way I look couldn't they at least say they'd rather not say?

Of all the many people I've been matched with so far none has opened communication with me, though some have viewed my profile. Maybe they haven't paid the subscription, or maybe they haven't logged on recently, who knows.

Some of the guys didn't appear to have made any effort whatsoever with their introductory information, putting in random strings of letters for several answers. Needless to say, I closed those straight away. Others had bad grammar and spelling which I find exceedingly irritating, but as long as it wasn't horrendous I have ignored it so far. A few had given answers which didn't make sense, were pretentious, or were just plain bizarre. I guess I am coming across a much wider range of and many more men that I do in day to day life. It really is eye opening.

On a completely different note, my friend T is coming to visit tomorrow, so I should have a fun day.

So I am taking the plunge

After a lot of procrastination I finally got round to completing my e-harmony questionnaire last night. I thought there was just one question to go but there were several and when I finished I only had time to have a brief look at my first 7 matches. I also hadn't paid to join so couldn't see any photos. My initial impression was that most of the matches seemed like nice guys.

I have this evening just paid for a 6 month subscription and can now see the photos of yesterday's matches and some more added today. Seeing the photos has been an interesting experience, and has got me to thinking about whether I am shallow and overly concerned with looks. A small number of the guys I looked at and thought, mmm not bad looking, not quite Brad Pitt, but not bad. The rest I really wasn't sure about. A couple I looked at and thought, no way, I don't think I would ever be able to find him attractive . One had long, greasy looking hair, seemed to be fairly overweight and generally, to me at least, looked like the stereotype of someone who spends all hours of the day and night computer gaming (a horrendous pre-judgement I know). One of his aims was to become a professional poker player which kind of put me off too.

My feelings about the rest were that they were "normal", "ordinary" looking, that I wasn't repulsed and that maybe attraction could grow. One common link between a number of them was that they looked so old! And really, they're not. They're aged from about 35 to 40. I think my problem here is that I forget that I am actually 35 (had a birthday last month) and therefore not terribly young myself. I may feel no different to when I was 18, but I do look different. I probably need to accept that I'm not going to end up with a gorgeous, young twenty-something. However, comparing the e-harmony guys to men I know who are a similar age, some of the e-harmony ones do look so much older. I'm sure my feelings on this are not helped by the fact that A, my last "crush" (and still my friend), is in his twenties.

I do generally think that compatability is more important that having a high level of attraction. However, I think I would need to at least think that attraction was possible.

So what to do next? I ought to be brave and make contact with some of these guys. I will probably read their profiles again and choose the ones which I am most interested in, then assuming I am not repulsed by their photo, I will contact them. Eharmony does have something called guided communication which may make things easier as you apparently don't just go straight to sending long messages.

Part of me is very nervous about all of this, and actually I do feel a little sick at the thought of what happens next. Might someone contact me? What expectations might they have? If I contact someone might they reject me? And of course that old chestnut, how do I explain my lack of relationship history? I also am not sure of some of my answers to the questionnaire - I had to list must haves and can't haves in a partner but with no experience I just had to guess what would be a must have for me.

Of course, it is entirely possible that I will go back into procrastination mode and not bother to contact anyone, but I will try very hard to avoid that.

Lost time

Finally I have made some time to blog. I'm not quite sure what I've been doing the past few weeks which has stopped me from writing. I seem to have been busy without really being busy. I've only been out one evening and away for one weekend. Time seems to have been swallowed up in finishing unpacking, shopping for extra bits and pieces needed for my room and lounging around in front of the TV.

Actually lounging around in front of the TV has been nice, as for the first time in ages I'm living somewhere with a communal living room, so I've spent a fair bit of time in there with my female (now ex) housemate (who I'll call The Scientist, because she is one), watching TV and chatting. She has just moved out into a place with one of her friends but she invited me out for a drink one evening last week and I think that's going to be a regular thing. It was just a quiet weeknight drink but good to be out nonetheless and I met a couple of her friends. It seems a shared house is a way to meet people.

My new housemate who is moving in this week is very friendly, and on first impressions appears more bubbly and outgoing than The Scientist. She has also mentioned going out for drinks so things sound promising there too.

I haven't got round to doing any of my regular sporty things, or to joining any clubs yet but hope to do that in the next couple of weeks. I need to get myself into a routine. I am doing a sponsored sporting activity this summer so really need to get training.

As for men...well nobody promising so far, but my job is in a very large workplace and there are rather a lot of men about, I just need to work out how I get to meet them. Chatty Guy made me smile the other week. I had contacted him a couple of times along with some other people to arrange for a group of us to meet up and he'd replied. Then about a week later he texted me one evening, completely out of the blue to ask how things were going. I tried not to read anything into it, but I did find it nice. And surprising.

I have realised recently that I'm surprised when any man shows any interest in me, even if just as friends. Whether it be Sociable Guy, Chatty Guy, A, or someone else, any email or text asking how I am, a mention that they miss me, or that they want to arrange to visit me, any indication that they care about me and want to spend time with me surprises me. I guess it's partly because I've never been in a relationship, and am therefore not used to men wanting to spend time with me. I suspect it may also be self esteem related in that I don't feel I am interesting enough for men to want to be around me (which also stems from never having had a relationship). Whatever the cause, I am always surprised (but pleased) when any man wants to spend time in my company.

On a completely different note, I went to the hairdressers last week and mentioned that I'd just moved, and said something about a new job. Her first comment? "Oh, did you move with your partner?" I was a little taken aback. Was that really the thing most interesting about my move? Not why this city? Not what was so good about the job? Not how am I finding living here? But have I moved with a partner. Is it that abnormal for me not have have a partner? For me to have moved alone? For me to have moved for myself and nobody else? I don't think so, but she seemed to, as her next comment was "Ooh aren't you brave?" Yes it's nerve wracking moving to somewhere new, where you don't know anyone, but I wouldn't describe it as brave. I've done it before when I went to university. And I've only moved an hour or two down the road, I'm not at the other end of the country, let alone the other side of the world.

A (very) short dating history, part 2

The second (and last) date I went on was thankfully much less eventful than the one with Stalker Guy. He was another one from the dating agency. I can’t actually remember who contacted who, but we agreed to meet in a large town nearby, during the day. I travelled by train and met him at the railway station. I wasn’t taking any chances that we might end up alone together, or that he might find out where I lived.

We recognised each other at the station then made our way to the centre of town. We stopped for a while in a coffee shop, and then walked in the sun for a while. We talked and there weren’t too many awkward silences, but I felt no spark and wasn’t particularly feeling that I wanted to get to know him better.

And one thing he talked about made me feel even more that he wasn’t for me. He mentioned that he enjoyed playing computer games, which I have no problem with. I admit I’m a bit of a Luddite when it comes to modern technology, and I’ve never actually owned a games console, but I have friends who do and I find it fun to spend the odd hour or two playing on a Wii or Playstation with them.

Trouble is this guy wasn’t talking about sociable, fun evenings with friends. He was talking about sitting at home for days on end, alone, playing one particular game for most of his waking hours. It sounded as if he spent most of his days off from work in that way.

I just couldn’t see myself dating someone who spent his free time doing that. I may not have the most exciting of social lives, and I’m not the extroverted type who has to be out and seeing people every evening, but I do like to get out of the house and talk to other human beings once in a while, maybe go for a drink, have dinner. I did wonder if I was maybe being too quick to judge, and that maybe he would reduce the gaming if he started dating, but it wasn’t as if I’d started out thinking he was wonderful and then been put off by the gaming. It was just something else to add to the cons list.

After a couple of hours we made our way back to the station, with me getting more nervous the nearer we got about whether he might try to kiss me. He didn’t. I breathed a sigh of relief. We said goodbye and vaguely said we’d contact each other, but neither of us did. So, an unsuccessful date, but not horrible, or creepy, or scary.

I had a couple of other phone calls from dating agency men, but had virtually nothing in common with them (I have no idea what they matched us on). For the rest of the year I was sent details of my matches but I just didn’t feel confident enough to contact any of them – I think I’d used up all my confidence stores on the first two. Plus I was so disappointed in the ones I’d met or spoken to so far that I was pretty pessimistic about meeting anyone better.

Since then there have been a couple of guys I’ve been interested in. One, I’ve mentioned a few times already, the other was a previous work colleague (which seems to be the only place I meet men I’m attracted to) and looking back although I found him attractive I don’t think that ultimately I was that into him in other ways.

And currently? There is someone that I think I might sort of like. I haven’t mentioned it to any of my friends, and I haven’t really admitted it to myself yet, because I’m not completely sure of how I feel. Also I’m fairly convinced already that he’s not interested, so I don’t know whether there is much point admitting it...