Don't worry, I haven't done anything exciting like find a boyfriend or lose my virginity. The recent drama has all been in my friend T's life. Now I'm all for living vicariously through the lives of others but in this case I wish her life had been boring since my last post.
Last time I posted I was worried about going away for the weekend with her in case she gushed about the guy she was seeing. Well the weekend was fine, there was a little gushing, and a bit of worry, as there was misunderstanding the two of them needed to sort out while she was away, but all was ok. Since then however it's all been downhill.
Not long after that weekend he told her he had to clear the air with his ex girlfriend and that until that was done he and T couldn't be together properly as it would be unfair on both women. Fair enough, it seemed he was doing the right thing. Not long after that he told her he only wanted to be friends with her, only to sleep with her again a week or two later. And a couple of days after that he again told her he could only be friends. The possibility of him getting back together with his ex was also mentioned.
Various other things have happened before and after these two "just friends" chats. He has invited her to his house for the evening then changed his mind at the last minute. She has gone to his house for an evening and he has tried to make her go home just before midnight after the last train has left. Other plans have been made and broken by him. All in all he has been a pretty unreliable guy.
However she says she is in love with him and really wanted to try to be friends with him so she didn't lose him from her life completely. She thinks it was going ok but from the numerous emails she sent me daily, over analysing every last action and word of his for a sign he might want more than friendship, I don't think it was.
Almost the last straw came a couple of weeks ago when he posted on a social networking site that he was in a relationship. He hadn't told T. She assumed it was the ex but was really upset that he hadn't told her in person. She was feeling so bad that she almost pulled out of the holiday we were due to go on.
Then this week it got worse. He cam out for drinks to celebrate her birthday. She had invited him long ago and he had said he would come. She kept saying that if he didn't she wouldn't bother going out at all (which sort of made me feel a little unwanted - aren't I good enough to celebrate with?).
Anyway, he did some out, and the evening started okay, but then in bar number 2, he made some comments relating to drug dealing friends which really disturbed me. She told me not to worry and we carried on to bar number 3. For the first half hour or so the three of us drank and chatted and took photos, then the two of them moved away a little and started their own conversation, leaving me standing alone, for pretty much the rest of the evening. She came over to me a couple of times to say they were sorting out the whole friendship thing and please could I let them sort it then we could have fun. The fun did not happen as not long after she came to me and said he had just said something which suggested he himself deals in drugs. He also made some nasty comments to her which made her feel awful about herself. She ended up crying her eyes out on me when we got home, though she never showed him how upset she was.
I am really not good at dealing with this sort of thing, as much as I might say "it will get better, you won't always feel like this" how do I know it will get better having never experienced it? Part of me also wants to shake her and say "you've only known him for 5 months, how can you be in love with him?" but again I have no personal experience to base that on. And when she says she hates herself and that shit keeps happening to her, I feel like saying "what about me? You think you're awful because this happened, I am so loathsome that nobody even wants to try to be with me, so I've never got as far as being dumped."
I'm not really sure where this post is going, but I am just tired of being an amateur counsellor for her (she has said a few times she wants to die and has self esteem problems) and needed to write this all down. I will keep doing the counsellor thing as much as I can, but it is exhausting me and I'm not qualified for it. I am trying with not much luck to get her to see her doctor and get a referral to someone who is qualified. I am grateful all this crap is not happening to me, but at the same time it makes me sad that I have no idea what it feels like to love someone.
Sunday, 5 September 2010
Thursday, 3 June 2010
This could go one of two ways
I am going away for the weekend with T tomorrow. I was really looking forward to it. We're going to a city we've been to once before and want to see more of, and have a concert to go to.
Part of me still is excited. However, another part of me is a little apprehensive. T has a new boyfriend and is, by her own admission, very loved-up. She said the other day that she was likely to be unbearable this weekend. I don't mind hearing some things about her new man and how happy she is, but I'm not sure I can cope with an whole weekend of being told how wonderful he is. It's only likely to make me feel even more single and unwanted and I suspect I may be fed up of it by Friday evening.
The fact that she has acknowledged that she might be very annoying does give me some hope though, as when I've had enough I can probably tell her, in the nicest possible way, that it's time to change the subject.
Part of me still is excited. However, another part of me is a little apprehensive. T has a new boyfriend and is, by her own admission, very loved-up. She said the other day that she was likely to be unbearable this weekend. I don't mind hearing some things about her new man and how happy she is, but I'm not sure I can cope with an whole weekend of being told how wonderful he is. It's only likely to make me feel even more single and unwanted and I suspect I may be fed up of it by Friday evening.
The fact that she has acknowledged that she might be very annoying does give me some hope though, as when I've had enough I can probably tell her, in the nicest possible way, that it's time to change the subject.
Friday, 28 May 2010
How do I say no?
Now I have a text message from eHarmony guy to reply to. He texted Tuesday to ask how a sponsored swim I did at the weekend went. I was busy Tuesday evening and didn't get around to replying. I thought that might give him a signal that I wasn't really interested but then yesterday evening while I was out with friends he texted to ask how I was and whether I wanted to meet up again.
I am struggling to know how to respond. I don't want to meet him again, but am not sure how to put that politely. I also don't know whether I need to, or should, explain why not. I suppost I could just say I didn't feel there was any chemistry between us, but it sounds a bit like a scripted answer, the sort that eHarmony uses (or used to, they don't seem to want a reason anymore when closing matches).
I am struggling to know how to respond. I don't want to meet him again, but am not sure how to put that politely. I also don't know whether I need to, or should, explain why not. I suppost I could just say I didn't feel there was any chemistry between us, but it sounds a bit like a scripted answer, the sort that eHarmony uses (or used to, they don't seem to want a reason anymore when closing matches).
Thursday, 27 May 2010
Left behind yet again
That guy I mentioned a few posts back who was flirting with my friend T? He is now officially her boyfriend. So again, I am the odd one out, the only single person among my female friends. I spoke to her earlier and she says today is the happiest day of her life and she can't stop smiling. And that is great, I love her to bits and she deserves some happiness after a tough last year or two.
But it makes me dwell even more on what the hell is wrong with me that I have reached my age without having a boyfriend. T has known this guy for about a month. He has worked in her office for a couple of weeks and been flirting with her for a little less than that. She is not the type of woman who goes from guy to guy and is never single, far from it in fact. She is not very confident with men and has, to my knowledge, had 3 relationships. But she does at least attract men, which is more than I do apparently.
None of the guys I contacted on eHarmony have responded and nobody has contacted me. I've just been on the site a fired off more questions to a few more guys. I don't know what else I can do. I'm trying, I signed up for online dating, I'm contacting guys, but it's not getting me anywhere.
But it makes me dwell even more on what the hell is wrong with me that I have reached my age without having a boyfriend. T has known this guy for about a month. He has worked in her office for a couple of weeks and been flirting with her for a little less than that. She is not the type of woman who goes from guy to guy and is never single, far from it in fact. She is not very confident with men and has, to my knowledge, had 3 relationships. But she does at least attract men, which is more than I do apparently.
None of the guys I contacted on eHarmony have responded and nobody has contacted me. I've just been on the site a fired off more questions to a few more guys. I don't know what else I can do. I'm trying, I signed up for online dating, I'm contacting guys, but it's not getting me anywhere.
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
Not great, but ok
Thank you to everyone for all the advice and encouragement. My worries about the date seemed so silly, so it was a help to know that I'm not the only grown woman concerned about things such as whether she might be a bad kisser.
Anyway, onto the date. I've pretty much summed it up in the title. I wouldn't describe it as a great date, but it was ok, and certainly better than the other two dates I've been on in my life.
I arrived early at the pub and was queuing to buy myself a drink at the bar when I recognised him walking past the window. He didn't however come in straight away (he later said he had walked round the block so he wasn't too early) so I bought myself a drink. I have no idea if that's the done thing on a date, but when I arrive at a pub or bar first when meeting friends, I always buy myself a drink before sitting down. My friends would do the same. None of us would just sit down and wait, so I guess I just did what felt comfortable and natural to me. He walked in as I looking for somewhere to sit. He got himself a drink and we sat down.
And so the date proper...I didn't feel quite as nervous as I thought I would. We managed to keep the conversation going with not too many awkward silences. I learned a bit about him, and he learned a bit about me. There was some laughter, and we chatted a little about an interest we have in common. I didn't hate it and I didn't hate him.
However, I don't think I liked him either, not in the way I would need to go on and have further dates with him. A few times during the evening I found myself not very interested in what he was saying (I feel a bit mean saying that, as I'm sure he found me boring at times too). I'm not sure that I felt any spark, or chemistry, or whatever you want to call it. Although as I've not felt it ever before I wouldn't know what it felt like, but I'm sure I would have known if it had been there. There were a couple of quite negative comments he made about other people which weren't really something you would say to someone you were trying to make a good impression with.
One thing which didn't impress me at all was something he said about his job, which suggested he doesn't work all the hours he is paid for, and has not been doing so for some time. He seemed to be sort of proud of it and said his boss doesn't know about it. Now I'm not a workaholic and work is not by any means the most important thing in my life, but I am fairly conscientious at work, and this attitude just didn't seem "right" to me.
He offered to buy another drink at 10pm, but as I have to get up quite early for work I declined. I suspect that had I felt there was a possibility that I would want to see him again, I would have accepted. There was no kiss, not even a hug. I certainly didn't feel that I wanted to kiss or hug him, and I guess either he felt the same, or I was giving off "I don't want you to touch me" vibes.
Today, thinking back to last night, I realise that I have no particular urge to see him again, or to get to know him better, which I suppose may be an indication the chemistry wasn't there. Despite that, it was good to go on a date, to get over that hurdle of my first date in years, and to have it be not a complete disaster. It was certainly a good idea to meet him sooner rather than later. I will keep plugging away with eHarmony for the moment and see where it takes me.
Anyway, onto the date. I've pretty much summed it up in the title. I wouldn't describe it as a great date, but it was ok, and certainly better than the other two dates I've been on in my life.
I arrived early at the pub and was queuing to buy myself a drink at the bar when I recognised him walking past the window. He didn't however come in straight away (he later said he had walked round the block so he wasn't too early) so I bought myself a drink. I have no idea if that's the done thing on a date, but when I arrive at a pub or bar first when meeting friends, I always buy myself a drink before sitting down. My friends would do the same. None of us would just sit down and wait, so I guess I just did what felt comfortable and natural to me. He walked in as I looking for somewhere to sit. He got himself a drink and we sat down.
And so the date proper...I didn't feel quite as nervous as I thought I would. We managed to keep the conversation going with not too many awkward silences. I learned a bit about him, and he learned a bit about me. There was some laughter, and we chatted a little about an interest we have in common. I didn't hate it and I didn't hate him.
However, I don't think I liked him either, not in the way I would need to go on and have further dates with him. A few times during the evening I found myself not very interested in what he was saying (I feel a bit mean saying that, as I'm sure he found me boring at times too). I'm not sure that I felt any spark, or chemistry, or whatever you want to call it. Although as I've not felt it ever before I wouldn't know what it felt like, but I'm sure I would have known if it had been there. There were a couple of quite negative comments he made about other people which weren't really something you would say to someone you were trying to make a good impression with.
One thing which didn't impress me at all was something he said about his job, which suggested he doesn't work all the hours he is paid for, and has not been doing so for some time. He seemed to be sort of proud of it and said his boss doesn't know about it. Now I'm not a workaholic and work is not by any means the most important thing in my life, but I am fairly conscientious at work, and this attitude just didn't seem "right" to me.
He offered to buy another drink at 10pm, but as I have to get up quite early for work I declined. I suspect that had I felt there was a possibility that I would want to see him again, I would have accepted. There was no kiss, not even a hug. I certainly didn't feel that I wanted to kiss or hug him, and I guess either he felt the same, or I was giving off "I don't want you to touch me" vibes.
Today, thinking back to last night, I realise that I have no particular urge to see him again, or to get to know him better, which I suppose may be an indication the chemistry wasn't there. Despite that, it was good to go on a date, to get over that hurdle of my first date in years, and to have it be not a complete disaster. It was certainly a good idea to meet him sooner rather than later. I will keep plugging away with eHarmony for the moment and see where it takes me.
Monday, 17 May 2010
OK, now I'm panicking
I've just made the mistake of googling for advice on first dates, and have found all sorts of articles about kissing at the end of the date. I'm sure I will manage to converse with him in some way, I think I can seem interesting, I may even be able to make him laugh, but I have no idea how to kiss and am utterly convinced that if it happens I will screw it up. And therefore I am now dreading the end of the date.
And what's with all the online advice which says that you really must kiss on the first date, and if you don't then it means there was no chemistry, or you don't like each other? Is there something wrong with wanting to spend more than a couple of hours with someone before kissing them?
I hate being a 35 year old woman with the relationship and dating experience of a teenager.
And what's with all the online advice which says that you really must kiss on the first date, and if you don't then it means there was no chemistry, or you don't like each other? Is there something wrong with wanting to spend more than a couple of hours with someone before kissing them?
I hate being a 35 year old woman with the relationship and dating experience of a teenager.
Sunday, 16 May 2010
Why does this not seem real?
The date appears to still be going ahead on Tuesday, but I've gone from panic last week, to feeling sort of calm. I think it's been so long since I went on a date that it doesn't seem real or possible that I'm going on one.
I decided that on safety grounds, as I will be getting to the date by public transport, I should probably make it in my city so I am somewhere I know and will know all the options for getting home. I asked if he was okay coming here and said I could find us somewhere for dinner or a drink. He's replied that it would be good to "meet for a drink" on Tuesday, which is a little annoying as I was banking on being able to eat to fill any awkward silences. I guess maybe he doesn't want to commit to a full on dinner in case we don't get on, or things go badly?
He did suggest a venue, or rather a particular street in the city, which is known for good, fairly stylish, bars and restaurants, so he gets plus points for that. I will probably eat something small before going out, and if we're getting on I can always suggest that we grab some dinner. He's given me his email address in case I prefer to communicate that way. I've just emailed him and let know what time I can make it on Tuesday.
I am pretty sure that at some point before Tuesday it will all seem scarily real and I will panic again, but I know I will need to relax and try not to put too much pressure on myself to have a "successful" date. I did go into eharmony earlier and send off some initial questions to a few other interesting sounding guys. I don't want to be putting all my efforts and focus on this one, in case it doesn't go well.
I decided that on safety grounds, as I will be getting to the date by public transport, I should probably make it in my city so I am somewhere I know and will know all the options for getting home. I asked if he was okay coming here and said I could find us somewhere for dinner or a drink. He's replied that it would be good to "meet for a drink" on Tuesday, which is a little annoying as I was banking on being able to eat to fill any awkward silences. I guess maybe he doesn't want to commit to a full on dinner in case we don't get on, or things go badly?
He did suggest a venue, or rather a particular street in the city, which is known for good, fairly stylish, bars and restaurants, so he gets plus points for that. I will probably eat something small before going out, and if we're getting on I can always suggest that we grab some dinner. He's given me his email address in case I prefer to communicate that way. I've just emailed him and let know what time I can make it on Tuesday.
I am pretty sure that at some point before Tuesday it will all seem scarily real and I will panic again, but I know I will need to relax and try not to put too much pressure on myself to have a "successful" date. I did go into eharmony earlier and send off some initial questions to a few other interesting sounding guys. I don't want to be putting all my efforts and focus on this one, in case it doesn't go well.
Thursday, 13 May 2010
Yes, I'm single, no I'm not dating
First things first, the latest with the guy from eharmony. I mailed him when I got back from my weekend away and suggested some evenings when I am free to meet. He replied last night and is busy this weekend, but can do next Tuesday.
Which means I may have a date next Tuesday. Crap. I've only been on two dates in my life and neither was a success. I have too many things to think about, too many decisions to make. He asked where I want to meet. He lives in a town about a 15 minute train ride from my city, so I need to decide whether we meet here or there. If here, I have no idea where we would go. I don't eat out here very often so don't know the best places to go, and the only pubs and bars I know I risk bumping into people I know. So there may be easier.
And what does one wear on a midweek date? Hell, what does one wear on a date full stop? I'm a casual, jeans and a t-shirt or jumper or hoodie kind of girl. Do I stick with jeans but dress up my top half? Do I dress up my top and bottom halves?
If he doesn't suggest what we could do, what should I suggest? Dinner? Or is it too presumptuous to assume he'll want to spend money on dinner, even just his own? If we do go to dinner, do I pay for myself? With female friends I pretty much always do, with male friends I always try to, but the offer is sometimes refused. Should I get out my money when the bill comes and see what he says? I'm sure there will be more questions before Tuesday.
Away from date stress, I had a great weekend at the wedding. It was lovely to be in a different part of the country for a few days and to see friends, the wedding service was lovely, I ate well at the wedding breakfast (and for the rest of the weekend), I danced lots and may have drunk a little too much.
The only downside was a couple of queries about my relationship status. One was from a female ex-colleague who asked "are you single?" over dinner with the girls on the Friday evening. I said yes, still single and tried to laugh it off, mumbling something about working with mostly women and unattractive men. There was a bit of an awkward silence and in truth I felt quite embarrassed to be having to tell her that I was still single. She's never known me to be anything else. On the evening of the wedding, during the disco, a male ex-colleague asked if I was seeing anyone and again I had to say no, and wondered if he thought I was a freak, or a lesbian.
I did feel a bit down on my way home. I had said goodbye to the bride and groom the day after the wedding and they were off on honeymoon together. The colleague who asked if I was single drove home to her husband and children. E and A took me to the station to catch my train, and then went off together. And I travelled home alone and came back to an empty house.
A busy time at work has taken my mind off things since, until today. It seems T has a guy a work who has been flirting with her and may be interested in her. She says she's smiled more today than she has in months. I'm happy for her but I am also wondering how this is happening for her a couple of months after starting the job and only a week or two after meeting him. I've been in my new job well over a year and nothing, nobody. Yes I know it is a terribly cliched way for an eternally single person to feel but I can't help it.
Which means I may have a date next Tuesday. Crap. I've only been on two dates in my life and neither was a success. I have too many things to think about, too many decisions to make. He asked where I want to meet. He lives in a town about a 15 minute train ride from my city, so I need to decide whether we meet here or there. If here, I have no idea where we would go. I don't eat out here very often so don't know the best places to go, and the only pubs and bars I know I risk bumping into people I know. So there may be easier.
And what does one wear on a midweek date? Hell, what does one wear on a date full stop? I'm a casual, jeans and a t-shirt or jumper or hoodie kind of girl. Do I stick with jeans but dress up my top half? Do I dress up my top and bottom halves?
If he doesn't suggest what we could do, what should I suggest? Dinner? Or is it too presumptuous to assume he'll want to spend money on dinner, even just his own? If we do go to dinner, do I pay for myself? With female friends I pretty much always do, with male friends I always try to, but the offer is sometimes refused. Should I get out my money when the bill comes and see what he says? I'm sure there will be more questions before Tuesday.
Away from date stress, I had a great weekend at the wedding. It was lovely to be in a different part of the country for a few days and to see friends, the wedding service was lovely, I ate well at the wedding breakfast (and for the rest of the weekend), I danced lots and may have drunk a little too much.
The only downside was a couple of queries about my relationship status. One was from a female ex-colleague who asked "are you single?" over dinner with the girls on the Friday evening. I said yes, still single and tried to laugh it off, mumbling something about working with mostly women and unattractive men. There was a bit of an awkward silence and in truth I felt quite embarrassed to be having to tell her that I was still single. She's never known me to be anything else. On the evening of the wedding, during the disco, a male ex-colleague asked if I was seeing anyone and again I had to say no, and wondered if he thought I was a freak, or a lesbian.
I did feel a bit down on my way home. I had said goodbye to the bride and groom the day after the wedding and they were off on honeymoon together. The colleague who asked if I was single drove home to her husband and children. E and A took me to the station to catch my train, and then went off together. And I travelled home alone and came back to an empty house.
A busy time at work has taken my mind off things since, until today. It seems T has a guy a work who has been flirting with her and may be interested in her. She says she's smiled more today than she has in months. I'm happy for her but I am also wondering how this is happening for her a couple of months after starting the job and only a week or two after meeting him. I've been in my new job well over a year and nothing, nobody. Yes I know it is a terribly cliched way for an eternally single person to feel but I can't help it.
Saturday, 1 May 2010
Nothing to report
No news on the e-harmony front I'm afraid. I emailed him on the same day as my last blog post, he replied the next day. I'd mentioned that life was a bit busy at the moment but that it would be good to meet, he said that things were hectic for him too but he'd like to meet. So far so good.
I was away visiting my best friend last weekend, and he was out of the country. I meant to email him early this week, but have had a ridiculously busy time at work and haven't really been in in the right mood. I've turned on my laptop in the evenings but have tended to only have the energy to stare at the screen, rather than come up with something to write. I finally replied to him last night.
I feel bad for taking so long to do so, and part of me is thinking that I'm deliberately avoiding emailing so as to push a possible meeting further into the future. I know that is probably the worst thing I can do. I just need to arrange a date and get it over and done with. It can't be as bad as I am imagining, and once I've been on one date, hopefully my fear and nervousness will subside a little. I am away next weekend, but have told him that I am free the weekend after and also have some free evenings this week and next.
I'm still having fun with friends. My best friend and I went out to the big city last weekend, just the two of us, without her husband and children. We used to do that a fair bit when she was single, and it was long overdue. We both had great fun. E and A visited today and we did some exploring of the local area. I'm off to a wedding next weekend, which should be fun, but is also likely to remind me of my lack of relationship as I'll be one of the only guest without a "plus one".
I was away visiting my best friend last weekend, and he was out of the country. I meant to email him early this week, but have had a ridiculously busy time at work and haven't really been in in the right mood. I've turned on my laptop in the evenings but have tended to only have the energy to stare at the screen, rather than come up with something to write. I finally replied to him last night.
I feel bad for taking so long to do so, and part of me is thinking that I'm deliberately avoiding emailing so as to push a possible meeting further into the future. I know that is probably the worst thing I can do. I just need to arrange a date and get it over and done with. It can't be as bad as I am imagining, and once I've been on one date, hopefully my fear and nervousness will subside a little. I am away next weekend, but have told him that I am free the weekend after and also have some free evenings this week and next.
I'm still having fun with friends. My best friend and I went out to the big city last weekend, just the two of us, without her husband and children. We used to do that a fair bit when she was single, and it was long overdue. We both had great fun. E and A visited today and we did some exploring of the local area. I'm off to a wedding next weekend, which should be fun, but is also likely to remind me of my lack of relationship as I'll be one of the only guest without a "plus one".
Saturday, 17 April 2010
Bravery may not be needed
His latest email ended by saying it would be great to meet up and have a chat when he gets back from a long weekend away, so I may not have to make the suggestion myself.
Of course I will still have to summon up the courage to actually go along and meet him in person. I am likely to be absolutely terrified, worried about what to say and nervous about awkward silences. I think I am just plain scared of any man who might be a potential boyfriend.
I am actually pretty busy at weekends the next couple of months so I'm not quite sure when this meeting up could take place. He lives close enough that we could meet in the evening but then that would probably have to involve dinner, and I think I'd rather have a shorter date to start with, maybe just a coffee. If it goes well it can be extended, but if it goes badly we're not stuck in a restaurant until we've finished eating.
Of course I will still have to summon up the courage to actually go along and meet him in person. I am likely to be absolutely terrified, worried about what to say and nervous about awkward silences. I think I am just plain scared of any man who might be a potential boyfriend.
I am actually pretty busy at weekends the next couple of months so I'm not quite sure when this meeting up could take place. He lives close enough that we could meet in the evening but then that would probably have to involve dinner, and I think I'd rather have a shorter date to start with, maybe just a coffee. If it goes well it can be extended, but if it goes badly we're not stuck in a restaurant until we've finished eating.
Saturday, 10 April 2010
Well, he still sounds interesting
I sent the email. I tried not to make it too long and rambling, gave a bit of information about myself and talked about my plans for Easter. He replied within a day or two and I found that an major interest of mine which I'd mentioned in my email is something he shares. He seems a normal, nice guy with a sense of humour and I still find him interesting, which is good.
I wonder whether I should try to meet him in person soon. I do think I spent too long emailing Scarf Guy instead of meeting him, partly as I wasn't overly interested, and partly due to fear of going on a date. There's only so much you can learn about someone from an email though, and it could take weeks for me to find that actually, we aren't that suited. If I'm still interested after his next message (assuming he replies) and if he doesn't mention meeting in person, I may force myself to be exceedingly brave and suggest it myself.
I wonder whether I should try to meet him in person soon. I do think I spent too long emailing Scarf Guy instead of meeting him, partly as I wasn't overly interested, and partly due to fear of going on a date. There's only so much you can learn about someone from an email though, and it could take weeks for me to find that actually, we aren't that suited. If I'm still interested after his next message (assuming he replies) and if he doesn't mention meeting in person, I may force myself to be exceedingly brave and suggest it myself.
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
A very unexpected reply
Well, this I really was not expecting. The guy I responded to sort of truthfully about why I joined e-harmony has actually replied to my questions. So he has read my possibly a little too to the point answer, knows feelings of mine that I haven't shared with some of my closest friends, and yet he has still responded. I'm not quite sure how to react.
I asked him the same question about why he joined e-harmony and his answer suggests he hasn't exactly had hundreds of relationships himself, which is fine by me. And he loves travelling, as do I. And he can spell and use correct grammar which is always a plus. Now I just need to pluck up the courage to send him an email and see what happens from there.
I asked him the same question about why he joined e-harmony and his answer suggests he hasn't exactly had hundreds of relationships himself, which is fine by me. And he loves travelling, as do I. And he can spell and use correct grammar which is always a plus. Now I just need to pluck up the courage to send him an email and see what happens from there.
Friday, 19 March 2010
Response sent...watch this space
I sent the response that I suggested in my last post.
I added a little extra saying that I do have friends who I socialise with, so may not be totally socially inept, and that I'm not sure if I am a complete misfit.
I did say that I had been unable to find a boyfriend offline and thought that eHarmony might be less hit and miss. I don't know whether he will read that as I have never had a boyfriend, or I am having difficulty finding one at the moment.
I have sent him 3 questions of my own. I guess I will either get responses, or he will close the match. I will keep you posted.
I added a little extra saying that I do have friends who I socialise with, so may not be totally socially inept, and that I'm not sure if I am a complete misfit.
I did say that I had been unable to find a boyfriend offline and thought that eHarmony might be less hit and miss. I don't know whether he will read that as I have never had a boyfriend, or I am having difficulty finding one at the moment.
I have sent him 3 questions of my own. I guess I will either get responses, or he will close the match. I will keep you posted.
Friday, 12 March 2010
The truth will out?
I just checked my eharmony account as I had an email to tell me I had received a communication, and I just had to smile at what I found. I have got as far as open ended questions with one of the guys I contacted last weekend. He has just sent me his, the last of which is:
Why did you join eHarmony?
So who dares me to answer that with "Because I am a socially inept, unconfident misfit who has been unable to find a boyfriend despite being nearly 36"? Honesty is after all the best policy, and the truth will out in the end.
It appears I am feeling somewhat more blase about the whole thing since I cancelled my subscription.
Why did you join eHarmony?
So who dares me to answer that with "Because I am a socially inept, unconfident misfit who has been unable to find a boyfriend despite being nearly 36"? Honesty is after all the best policy, and the truth will out in the end.
It appears I am feeling somewhat more blase about the whole thing since I cancelled my subscription.
Sunday, 7 March 2010
E-non-harmony
I have just cancelled my e-harmony subscription, and surprise,surprise, after several months as a member, I am no closer to a relationship. If I'm honest, I don't think my heart was really in it. I didn't want to be the woman who had to resort to a dating website to find someone, and I was (and still am) not that confident about communicating with men I've never met, but who I have been matched with and therefore I am supposed to get to know. (I was also a bit annoyed by e-harmony auto renewing my subscription without asking me.)
My membership is paid until April 8th so I have just had a trawl through my matches and fired off a couple of responses and some questions. The guy who wanted to know what I had learnt from previous relationships appears to have closed communication so I didn't have to tackle that one. I actually felt more relaxed about answering the questions knowing that my membership is ending. I didn't spend ages deliberating over what to say and how, I just typed what I felt. I guess part of me is thinking that by the time they reply I may not be a member anymore so I won't be able to communicate with them.
I wonder if I might be more suited to a dating site where you pick the guys yourself and are not matched. Apart from the e-harmony matches mostly being awful, once I started communicating with people, I did feel a sort of pressure to get on with them. I'd been matched with them, they were possibly interested in me, therefore they were a potential boyfriend, if that makes sense. Maybe I wouldn't feel that on site where there is no matching?
I'm not sure where else other than online I am going to meet anyone. I am still swimming, but it's a solitary activity, I go out once a week most weeks with my ex-housemate the Scientist, and two of her friends, but it's not the sort of evening where you meet new people. I do have a new housemate who I guess may have friends I could meet, but then again I have known my current male housemate for over a year and I have never met a single friend or family member of his.
In other parts of life, things are good. I am getting on well in my new job and am working with a great bunch of people. It is about to get very busy and probably pretty stressful but it will hopefully be an enjoyable challenge.
I visited my old town a few weeks ago and spent time with E and A, and am meeting T this week to go a concert. T and I have a lot of things planned for this year, including holidays and more concerts, and I am so glad I have her as most of these things I wouldn't really want to do on my own. I really hope that if she stops being single she will still have time for me. I am fairly sure she will have. Talking of people who are no longer single, my best friend (who is married) and I are going to see a show together next month. It's something we used to do fairly often years ago and I'm really looking forward to it. As she said herself, it will be just like old times.
My membership is paid until April 8th so I have just had a trawl through my matches and fired off a couple of responses and some questions. The guy who wanted to know what I had learnt from previous relationships appears to have closed communication so I didn't have to tackle that one. I actually felt more relaxed about answering the questions knowing that my membership is ending. I didn't spend ages deliberating over what to say and how, I just typed what I felt. I guess part of me is thinking that by the time they reply I may not be a member anymore so I won't be able to communicate with them.
I wonder if I might be more suited to a dating site where you pick the guys yourself and are not matched. Apart from the e-harmony matches mostly being awful, once I started communicating with people, I did feel a sort of pressure to get on with them. I'd been matched with them, they were possibly interested in me, therefore they were a potential boyfriend, if that makes sense. Maybe I wouldn't feel that on site where there is no matching?
I'm not sure where else other than online I am going to meet anyone. I am still swimming, but it's a solitary activity, I go out once a week most weeks with my ex-housemate the Scientist, and two of her friends, but it's not the sort of evening where you meet new people. I do have a new housemate who I guess may have friends I could meet, but then again I have known my current male housemate for over a year and I have never met a single friend or family member of his.
In other parts of life, things are good. I am getting on well in my new job and am working with a great bunch of people. It is about to get very busy and probably pretty stressful but it will hopefully be an enjoyable challenge.
I visited my old town a few weeks ago and spent time with E and A, and am meeting T this week to go a concert. T and I have a lot of things planned for this year, including holidays and more concerts, and I am so glad I have her as most of these things I wouldn't really want to do on my own. I really hope that if she stops being single she will still have time for me. I am fairly sure she will have. Talking of people who are no longer single, my best friend (who is married) and I are going to see a show together next month. It's something we used to do fairly often years ago and I'm really looking forward to it. As she said herself, it will be just like old times.
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
Now what?
I logged into eharmony this evening to find two matches have sent me open ended questions. One of them asks three interesting questions which will take a bit of thinking about, the other asks two which I can answer and a final one which is "What have you learned from past relationships?".
Soooooooo what answer to give? Lying feels plain wrong and I'm sure would be obvious. But is now the right time to say well actually I have had no past relationships? Is that a surefire way to make him run for the hills? Of the two guys he is the one I am less interested in but I'm not sure I want to close my options off, when there aren't that many of them in the first place.
Soooooooo what answer to give? Lying feels plain wrong and I'm sure would be obvious. But is now the right time to say well actually I have had no past relationships? Is that a surefire way to make him run for the hills? Of the two guys he is the one I am less interested in but I'm not sure I want to close my options off, when there aren't that many of them in the first place.
Monday, 4 January 2010
The return of enthusiasm...sort of
I have had a fit of enthusiasm about eharmony this evening. I got rather a lot of new matches over Christmas and New Year and thought I'd better make time to look at them and see if any seem interesting.
I hadn't actually closed any matches or started communicating with anyone for a few weeks, so I had almost 300 new matches. I closed quite a few, but also found 4 or 5 who sparked my interest, so have opened communication with them. I also received answers from someone I contacted a couple of months ago. I really liked the sound of him so was pleased to see he has answered. I answered his questions, he has sent his must haves/can't stands and I have sent mine. We'll see what happens next.
Communication with Scarf Guy fizzled out. We hadn't got anywhere near agreeing to meet in person and I felt no urge whatsoever to suggest it so I think we can safely say it wouldn't have developed into anything.
I had someone send me an icebreaker and another guy start communication. One I have responded to, for the other I closed the match as I really didn't find him physically attractive. Looking at all the matches I have had, how many are closed and how many I have opened communication with, I suspect my lack of enthusiasm may have partly stemmed from the sheer lack of interest I am getting from my matches. I have had literally hundreds of matches, and have opened communication with any I felt I might get on with - probably at least a hundred of them. The number who have either contacted me, or responded to my contact is I think in single figures. Is that a normal hit rate for eharmony? Or am I getting less interest than most?
The thought that I was just not attractive or interesting enough did make me feel as if it was a waste of time. What is the point of contacting all these people if only 1% respond? Then again, maybe I do have to trawl through all those who aren't for me to find the one (or more) who is? Anyway, for the time being, I am going to try to log in to eharmony regularly and check my matches, something I have failed to do recently.
In other news, I spent a quiet Christmas with family in another part of the UK, and New Year with my best friend and her family. I have never understood the eagerness of everyone to celebrate on New Year's Eve, and discussing it with my friend I realised I have only actually gone out drinking/partying on the night a grand total of once, when I was 18. We were in bed shortly before midnight after watching a film on TV for the evening. The best thing about New Year was the time off work which gave me chance to spend time with those I care about.
The weekend before Christmas was a busy one. I visited E and A, and T and ended up eating out on both days. It was great to see them, and I saw A again a few days later when he came to a concert with me, as a last minute replacement for T who couldn't make it. It was a fun evening, and the more time I spend with him the more I realise that we make good friends, but would have been a failure as boyfriend/girlfriend.
I hope you all had a good Christmas and New Year.
I hadn't actually closed any matches or started communicating with anyone for a few weeks, so I had almost 300 new matches. I closed quite a few, but also found 4 or 5 who sparked my interest, so have opened communication with them. I also received answers from someone I contacted a couple of months ago. I really liked the sound of him so was pleased to see he has answered. I answered his questions, he has sent his must haves/can't stands and I have sent mine. We'll see what happens next.
Communication with Scarf Guy fizzled out. We hadn't got anywhere near agreeing to meet in person and I felt no urge whatsoever to suggest it so I think we can safely say it wouldn't have developed into anything.
I had someone send me an icebreaker and another guy start communication. One I have responded to, for the other I closed the match as I really didn't find him physically attractive. Looking at all the matches I have had, how many are closed and how many I have opened communication with, I suspect my lack of enthusiasm may have partly stemmed from the sheer lack of interest I am getting from my matches. I have had literally hundreds of matches, and have opened communication with any I felt I might get on with - probably at least a hundred of them. The number who have either contacted me, or responded to my contact is I think in single figures. Is that a normal hit rate for eharmony? Or am I getting less interest than most?
The thought that I was just not attractive or interesting enough did make me feel as if it was a waste of time. What is the point of contacting all these people if only 1% respond? Then again, maybe I do have to trawl through all those who aren't for me to find the one (or more) who is? Anyway, for the time being, I am going to try to log in to eharmony regularly and check my matches, something I have failed to do recently.
In other news, I spent a quiet Christmas with family in another part of the UK, and New Year with my best friend and her family. I have never understood the eagerness of everyone to celebrate on New Year's Eve, and discussing it with my friend I realised I have only actually gone out drinking/partying on the night a grand total of once, when I was 18. We were in bed shortly before midnight after watching a film on TV for the evening. The best thing about New Year was the time off work which gave me chance to spend time with those I care about.
The weekend before Christmas was a busy one. I visited E and A, and T and ended up eating out on both days. It was great to see them, and I saw A again a few days later when he came to a concert with me, as a last minute replacement for T who couldn't make it. It was a fun evening, and the more time I spend with him the more I realise that we make good friends, but would have been a failure as boyfriend/girlfriend.
I hope you all had a good Christmas and New Year.
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