Decision Made

In the past couple of days I have come to the decision that my friendship with T cannot continue. Or at least it cannot continue after the holiday we have coming up together in April.

A few weeks ago I was away from work for a few days when it was announced that tickets for a tour T really wanted to go to were going on sale. She texted me some dates and asked if I could make them. I replied that I wasn't sure if I'd be able to take leave from work for those dates, and as I wasn't at work couldn't check before the tickets went on sale. She replied saying not to bother, she'd just sort her tickets out and I could please myself as usual.

Over the next few days a few texts went between us about general things, no mention was made of the tickets. She sent a couple of texts telling me she felt odd, had done a few things that were out of character (nothing awful, just things like buying clothes in a colour she hates) and didn't like how she felt. I texted saying if she felt any worse to please consider getting help. Her reply said she thinks you can only get help if you have someone you can truly rely and depend on and she doesn't have that. She wants to get sorted but can't do it alone. I tried to remind her that she has me, but she then proceeded to ignore me for the next week and a half (bar one text saying remember I love you). I sent a few texts, a couple of emails and tried to phone her 3 or 4 times but got no answer.

When she did get back in touch it was with abrupt texts about practical arrangements for a show we were due to see last Saturday. I met her on Saturday before the show and went to hug her. She pulled away and said she didn't want a hug. I asked if she was okay and she snapped "I'm fine" in a way that suggested she definitely wasn't. I said she didn't seem fine and hadn't seemed fine for the past couple of weeks but she insisted she was. She then spent the rest of the day and evening chatting away about all sorts of random things as if nothing was wrong.

Yesterday afternoon she sent a text telling me that she wasn't going to do one of the day trips we'd planned to do on our upcoming holiday so I could go ahead and book for just me to do it. When I queried why she said she thought it was about time she started being inconsiderate as well. Today she has texted to tell me that I treat her like one of my staff, and not like a friend, and that the move to my new job is the worst thing I have ever done as I am no longer the lovely Katya she loves. She told me that I have hurt her so many times ( I was very tempted to reply that she has hurt me multiple times too) and that I have have her feel that we're no longer close enough for her to talk to me about any of this.

Yesterday I was coming to the conclusion that I have to tell her she must get help for her lack of self esteem, and that if she wouldn't I would have to distance myself from her. I have spoken to my best friend and to my housemate Extrovert and both said the same. Both also said T is manipulating me (something I know readers have suggested in the past as has another friend of mine).

Today I have looked through old emails from her and realised that she first mentioned depression and self esteem issues back in 2008. She has been on anti-depressants a few times over the years, and has started having counselling twice but abandoned it each time. I fear that even if she did get professional help this time I would always be waiting for the moment when she gave up on it and reverted back to treating me this way.

As I said we have a holiday together booked for April which we were both really looking forward to. It's a place she loves and has been keen to go back to for ages, I have been getting quite excited about going too. On Saturday we were talking about it as if it is still going to happen.

If we can both just act like we did on Saturday and pretend that nothing is wrong then I think maybe it can still work. From a practical point of view (i.e. the holiday is paid for and can't be cancelled and we can't afford to just not go and lose the money) I think that is what needs to happen.

After the holiday though I have to think of my own sanity. I have to tell her I can no longer cope with her repeatedly telling me I am a bad friend. I can't handle her getting angry with me over something trivial and ignoring me for weeks instead of just talking to me. I'm not strong enough to keep trying to act as her therapist. I can't keep saying the same things to her over and over again and see them have no effect whatsoever.

Expectations

You may have guessed that the letter in my last post was to my friend T. I didn't send a real one in the end as I eventually heard from her.

Things are not okay with her or us. A text that I sent saying I was upset and confused about why she was ignoring me finally got an email response from her. An email which can be summed up by saying that she finds it too hurtful having friends so she feels she is better off alone, with no friends.

The long version said that she had spoken to no friends since Christmas and was adjusting to being alone. It talked about how she had realised over Christmas/New year that she "has no-one". It described how she cried herself to sleep on New Year's Eve. It declared that at "times which matter", times when you're supposed to be with loved ones, such as New Year's Eve, she has no-one. It said that to her friends she is an inconvenience. It said that her friends don't make her feel good. It said that she couldn't stand another year of heartache and wondering if this year someone will invite her to do something in New Year's Eve, whether this year people who accept an invite to her birthday celebration will actually turn up. It said that she won't have to wonder about those things if she has no friends. It said she didn't want to hurt me.

It didn't say anything about the times when she wasn't alone, about the numerous weekends I spent with her last year, about the occasional coffees, lunches and dinners she had with other friends, about the Christmas Eve spent with family friends and described as wonderful. It ignored those times so I mentioned them in my reply. I tried to remind her that she does have friends, that she does have people who care about her, and that nobody has ever described her as an inconvenience. I said I didn't understand what she was saying; did she want to end our friendship?.

Another email arrived from her. It again spoke about being lonely and miserable New Year's Eve and not having anyone to go out with on her birthday. It said that she thinks the relationship I have with my best friend blinds me to everyone else, that there are other people who love me, who want to celebrate my birthday with me, who want to share "special events" with me, but they don't get the chance. It ended with saying she was sorry but that I will be okay because I have other friends.

I don't know what to think. My mind is all over the place. Mutual friends of ours have seen her and said she seems very down and tearful. Suddenly deciding to end all your friendships because of a handful of days spent alone seems perhaps irrational (one of the days was her birthday though, so I completely understand her upset about that). She has low self esteem and confesses to hating herself. All of this suggests she might be depressed again. I have tried to tell her that I am here for her and want to help if I can.

However, although half of the second email was about other people, half was directed at me. Is it simply depression or is there any truth in what she says about me? When she says that other "people" want to spend my birthday with me, she means her, as no other friend has ever expressed that wish. They send cards, they send a text on the day, but they don't voice a desperation to spend the day with me.

I am touched that she feels that way, but I have for the past several years spent my birthday with my best friend. It's what we do. Should I feel guilty about that because T isn't getting her chance to spend the day with me? I feel I can't hurt my best friend by dumping her on my birthday and at other times we spend together in order to spend them with T instead. Is that wrong? I may be wrong but don't think so. My best friend has been my best friend for 18 years and is the most important friend in my life.

I love T and have had some wonderful times with her and have considered her a great friend. I have over the past few years spent more and more time with her, last year probably more than I spent with my best friend. But it doesn't seem to be enough; she seems to feel that I am not spending the "right" days with her. Has all the time I've spent with her meant nothing? Does our friendship only mean something to her if she gets to spend certain days with me? It's feeling as if she is wanting, needing or expecting more from our friendship than I can give. There was also perhaps a hint of jealousy of my best friend.

And yet still I feel guilty. I try to be as good a friend as I can be to all of my friends. I cannot be everything to all of them and I cannot give all of them all of my time, but I do what I can and it upsets me that T seems to think I have failed as a friend.

I replied to her email. I told her there were times last year when I felt torn between her and my best friend and felt bad for having to turn one of them down due to plans with the other. I was honest and said that abandoning my best friend in favour of her on days like my birthday would hurt my best friend as much as T is hurting now, so I can't do it. I told her that having other friends does not make it okay when one friendship is lost. The others don't replace the missing friend and the loss hurts. I am not sure she will like my email. I couldn't promise her what she seems to want.

Letter to a Friend

Dear Friend,
I have no idea why you are ignoring me. I'm not even sure that you are ignoring me, but the lack of response to my texts and emails for 10 days and the fact that you're not answering your phone means I have to assume that I am indeed being ignored. You are usually in touch several times a week, often just a quick text or two, but contact nonetheless.

I last heard from you just before New Year. You seemed fine. You sent 3 or 4 texts that day, I replied but my texts went unacknowledged. I assumed you were busy. Since then, nothing.

I sent you a Happy New Year on the morning of the 1st but heard nothing from you all day. I thought it a bit odd as you never usually fail to send birthday/Christmas/New year/other special occasion wishes, but concluded that maybe you were ill with the flu that's been going round.

I sent a quick, silly text the next day. No reply. I sent an email the day after. I said I hoped all was ok with you. No reply. The next day I texted to ask if all was ok. The day after, my text said I was getting worried about you. Friday's said I was here if you want to talk. Still I heard nothing from you.

Saturday I phoned you. The phone rang and then went to voicemail. You didn't call me back as you normally would. I called again this evening. Straight to voicemail this time. I contacted a mutual friend to see if she'd seen or heard from you. She's going to email you at work tomorrow. If you reply I will be relieved that you are ok, but also extremely hurt that you are ignoring me.

This isn't the first time you've stopped contacting me and replying to me. I'm looking back over the previous times to try to work out why. The first time, you were depressed and had turned off your phone and hidden it as you didn't want to speak to anyone. I can understand that and forgive it. But that time you had been showing signs of depression for a while. This time you seemed perfectly happy and fairly positive last time I heard from you.

Another time you went AWOL for a week when you were ill in bed with bad flu. If that's the case this time surely over a week into being ill you can manage a quick text to say "I'm ill"? You know from my texts that I am worried, or if you haven't seen them you must realise that I will be wondering why I haven't heard from you. I assume if you were so ill that you can't pick up the phone that somebody would have let me know. If being ill is the reason it's also probably forgivable.

The other reason you have ignored me in the past is because you were angry or offended over something I said or did. You gave no indication that that you were feeling that way and looking back over my texts of that last day I can't see anything offensive, upsetting or controversial in them. From past experience though I know that you can be upset by something nobody else would have a problem with.

If you are angry with me over something and are handling it by simply ignoring me, then we need to talk. You cannot simply disappear when something happens in our friendship which you don't like. Tell me that you're angry, tell me what about and tell me that you need time away from the friendship, and I will give you time. Tell me that you're angry and that you need to talk it through with me, and I will happily talk it through. But do not just disappear with no warning or explanation. It hurts. It worries me.

Previously I have sent you all sorts of texts and emails begging you to let me know you're ok. I am not doing that this time as it makes the hurt and worry worse. I do wonder whether you do this to provoke a reaction, to get me to tell you how much I care, and to beg you to get in touch. I wonder whether you are testing my friendship. I hope I am wrong to wonder that.

In the past I have travelled to your town to try to see you. You have never even acknowledged that I did that. I don't think I can risk rejection again by doing it this time.

I don't know where we go from here. Our mutual friend will let me know tomorrow whether she hears from you. If she does but you carry on ignoring me I have no idea what to do. I can't force you to reply, or pick up the phone. I guess I just wait. Send an occasional text or email.

At what point do I give up on hearing from you? If you re-appear and you were ill or depressed I forgive you and we can go on as we were. We've had a great past few months and have some good things planned for this year. But if it turns out you're doing this through anger then we need to talk. And if you can't or won't talk then a version of this letter will be heading your way. I cannot cope with this happening every few months.

I really hope you're alright. I hope you're not depressed again. I hope out mutual friend hears from you despite what that might tell me about why you're ignoring me. If she cannot get hold of you either then we have a completely different problem but I'm not thinking about that yet.

Love and best wishes

K xxx

PS I had a disagreement with my best friend today. I phoned her, she answered, we talked and everything is now fine. Why can't we do that?

A little bit of honesty

About time I posted an update. I haven't disappeared, it's just that life has been a little hectic recently and I haven't had chance to sit down and write, but I need to this evening.

Firstly, thank you to all those who commented on my last post for your thoughts. They gave me a lot to think about and consider and it was good to see how things look from an outsider's perspective.

The update on what happened last time is pretty short. I have to confess to failing to confront T about her behaviour. I have no real excuse, other than the times I've seen her since have been for weekends away for specific events and there was no time that seemed right for trying to speak to her. I was worried about ruining the weekend for both of us. The fact that she just got completely back to normal also made it difficult. If someone is being nice to you, and fun to be with, and acting like a friend, how do you start a discussion about what she did? If she was still being off with me it would have made it easier.

So I said nothing that time, but I have earlier today sent her an email telling her a few home truths about how I feel about something that happened yesterday. The something is as follows.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine at my workplace booked concert tickets for me, her and T. T knew she was going to try to buy them and had agreed that she wanted a ticket. T and I then owed my work friend money for the tickets. I paid a couple of days later and I assumed that T would arrange to do the same, as she has my work friend's contact details.

A couple of weeks ago Work Friend's husband was laid off at work, with no notice and no final pay cheque, leaving them and their family to live off her not very large wage. Last week she asked me to chase up T for the money she owed, as her credit card bill was due. I texted T a reminder and got a reply saying the cheque was written and would be posted in the next couple of days. The text also included a comment that she was already thousands in debt.

A couple of days ago Work Friend asked me if the cheque had arrived (we assumed it was being sent to my home address). It hadn't. Work Friend isn't the sort to chase debts up this soon in normal circumstances, but at the moment she can't afford to just wait to be paid. So I had to chase up T again which I hated doing as she had mentioned in an email earlier in the day that she was overdrawn at the bank. I did say that if the cheque had go stuck in the post, I could pay for now, thinking this was way out or her if she was in financial trouble.

Her response to my chasing arrived yesterday and it really angered me and is what prompted me to be honest with her. Her email, and my reactions, basically went like this:

- the cheque is written but will bounce as she won't get paid till July (ok, she has just moved to a new job and is paid in arrears, but as she only left the last job last week she should not be struggling for money yet, how the hell is she so overdrawn?)
- she has had to take a pay cut to move to the new job
- she can put the cheque in the post but it will bounce (this really angered me - there is no point posting it if it will bounce so why bother saying she can post it?)
- she can go to the bank and get money from her other bank account, but not until Saturday (fair enough, her work is not near the bank)and she might not even be able to do it on Saturday as she has appointments (EXCUSE ME???? You have a debt to pay. The person you owe it to has asked for it. You should be making every effort to get the money to her. You cannot say you might not be able to get to the bank. You make damn sure
you get there and sort the money out).
- if it is vital that this gets sorted this afternoon then Work Friend and I will have to work out what needs to be done (first, I never said it needed sorting this afternoon, I said this week. Second, this suggests she can't pay this afternoon but she can pay tomorrow, which is not the case. And third, why the hell should we have to sort anything out between ourselves? This is not my debt, it is hers)

The general tone of the email was one of feeling sorry for herself and of not taking responsibility for her debt. There was no apology for not being able to pay and no sign of feeling bad about it. There was also no real acknowledgement of my offer to pay. I would have been mortified to be in her position, would have felt absolutely awful about it and would have found the money somehow.

I should point out that at this point I'm not sure that I'd told her about Work Friend's husband. However, that shouldn't make any difference. If someone asks you to pay a debt they are asking because they need the money and you pay them. My first instinct was to email back telling her to grow up and be responsible, but that would have felt as if I was being nasty, so my initial response was an email telling her she's not a failure, offering again to pay so that she owed me instead, and offering my thoughts and advice on her finances if she wanted. I also told her about Work Friend's husband so she knew why the money is needed. She is not at all happy with life this week and I didn't want to add to her unhappiness.

However, last night I couldn't stop thinking about her email, her seeming expectation that I should sort out her debt, and her apparent lack of concern over it. Her only worries seemed to be about her own life and finances, there was no thought about my Work Friend. I did give my Work Friend a cheque myself as I cannot let her be out of pocket and I have no idea when T will manage to sort out the money, but I hated being put in that position.

So I emailed my friend E today with the whole story and her advice was once again that if she were me, she would be honest. And this time I finally followed her advice. I think the trigger was that T's behaviour is now affecting someone other than me. I spent my lunch hour and some time after work composing an email. I tried to be honest, but not unpleasant. I do care about her, but she does need to know how this email came across and how angry it made me.

I told her that it is her debt and that she is responsible for paying it, that I understand that money is tight, but she can't expect people to just wait until she is able to pay, and that her email came across as a bit dismissive. I told that I care about her but that I need to be honest with her otherwise I will dwell on this and end up even angrier. I fully expect to either be ignored or to receive an email ending the friendship. Funnily enough, when I was partway through writing the email, I got a short chatty message from her about something not particularly important. No mention of my email from yesterday, nothing at all about the money she owes.

She does need to grow up and be responsible. She was in a financial mess late last year but paid off her debts and set up a savings account and I thought all was well. However I don't think she understands the concept of living within her means. She has a full time job. She lives with her parents so doesn't have proper rent and bills to pay, just board money to her parents. She should have a reasonable amount of disposable income. She should not be thousands of pounds in debt.

I think that living with her parents is one of the reasons why she is in debt. If she can't pay her board, there are no consequences. She won't be at risk of losing her home. She won't have her electricity cut off. She won't be unable to put food on the table. She hasn't learnt how to be responsible with her money, that in the real world you can't buy endless CDs, concert tickets and clothes, you need to make sure you can afford them. She talks about only living once and that you should do things that you want to do rather than regret not doing them, which is a philosophy I tend to agree with, but not to the extent of putting myself into that much debt.

Pressing send on the email felt right. Yes, she has problems of her own, but that does not excuse her behavior. I was a little hesitant about doing it by email rather than in person, but I don't know that I could manage to say it all in person.

I await her response, or lack of.

Ups and downs

Belle's comment raised an interesting point. Is T the one who has been using me? Well, as I said in my comment, I really don't think so. She has her issues and has had her problems over the past couple of years and that is what is prompting her behaviour, rather than her using me.

Though I don't feel I have been used, it is true to say that the friendship has been a bit lopsided in the last couple of years. She's been the one who was pretty much falling apart, she's been the one needing support, she's been the one who has needed to lean on me. I have had some family things going in recent months which she has been supportive about, and before all her problems began she supported me through some (less serious) problems of my own.

I know that at some point in the future if I need to lean on her she will be there for me. I guess the nature of friendship is that there are ups and downs, that there will be times where one person needs more from the other, and is perhaps less able to give, but it's likely that over the years roles will reverse and the person who was giving the support will become the one who needs it, and will be given it.

T did get back in touch with me a few days ago, via a short but perfectly friendly email. A couple of emails when back and forth between us, and we spoke on the phone a couple of days later. Without going into too much lengthy detail, things have been going very badly at the job she moved to a few months ago, and she has been feeling angry and upset. I think it was a combination of that and her lack of self esteem making her feel second best which triggered her use people comment to me. In our phone conversation the friendship felt as if it was back to "normal". The anger which was in her email was certainly no longer there.

I haven't seen her in person yet but when I do I think I do need to find a suitable moment to talk about her behaviour towards me. I understand her feelings about work and that sometimes she feels a need to disappear but I do wish she would tell me before just disappearing. And if the use people comment was because she felt insecure/jealous that I was planning something with another friend then she needs to learn to accept that I have other friends.

Now what?

Well I decided it was best not to just turn up on T's parents' doorstep. I don't want to cause conflict between her and her mum. I did however take a train up to her town today. I texted her as I set off saying I was on my way and did she want to meet me for a coffee at one of our favourite coffee shops. No reply.

I arrived at the station hoping she might me there to meet me. She wasn't. I phoned her and got her voicemail and left a quick message saying I was headed to the coffee shop if she was free to join me but that it was ok if she couldn't. I almost set my phone not to show my number in the hope that she'd pick up and I'd get to speak to her, but decided that her not answering because she knew it was me was marginally better than her answering then putting the phone down when she realised it was me. I heard nothing from her. I sat in the coffee shop nursing a coffee for just over half an hour, took a slow walk back to the station, then let her know I was off home and that I hoped we could speak soon.

Part of me is wondering whether my voicemail should have been more "emotional", apologising for hurting her, telling her I was missing her and asking if we can sort things out, but I would have felt odd and perhaps a bit needy leaving that as a message. She may of course have been busy, she may be not in the mood for not answering her phone to anybody. But whatever the reason for her lack of response today, the fact remains that I have heard nothing from her since last Monday.

I now have no idea what, if anything, to do next. I have various options spinning around my head, but all have drawbacks.

I could do nothing and just wait for her to be ready to get back in touch with me. This has worked previously when she has been avoiding contact, but those times she wasn't talking to me because of issues going on in her own life. This time she is angry at something I have said so it may be different. Plus I am not sure I can just wait it out.

I could contact her to say I understand she needs time with no contact from me and that I will give her space and am here when she is ready to speak to me again. This still seems a bit open ended.

I could tell her how much I miss her, how I want to be able to talk to her again, to have long, hilarious phone chats with her, that I am sorry, and that I want her friendship. I have though tried this before and I ended up feeling more hurt and getting angry with her because I was still being ignored despite baring all my emotions and telling her how much I cared.

I could be brutal, which is the option I think my friend E would prefer I took. Her take on things was that I have the patience of a saint. I do feel that my patience is wearing a little thin and occasionally this week I have felt like emailing her to tell her how much what she said hurts, how she can't just say that out of the blue then disappear, that if I was using her I would not have stuck by her and supported her through everything that has happened to her over the past year or three, that I am tired of her going AWOL on me every few months, that I find it more and more stressful each time she does it, that I am not unbreakable as she seems to think I am (she always marvels at how strong I seem when there are all sorts of issues going on with my family).

But I worry that that would hurt her and that it seems put all the blame on her. Am I justified in losing patience with her? Should I put some of the blame on myself?

Hopefully she will get back in touch over the next few days. If not I really don't know what to do for the best. And if she does get back in touch I am not sure I can just go back to being friends without discussing what happened. I also might need to tell her that I can't cope with her disappearing regularly. We'll see what this week brings.

Accused

My friend T seems to have fallen out with me and stopped talking to me because I told her I probably couldn't go to a concert with her. I haven't heard from her since Monday and I don't know what to do about it.

The full story is this. It goes on a bit so feel free to ignore, I just feel a need to write it all down. T and I go to a lot of gigs together. It's what we "do" and what we are known for among my friends and hers. We went to a concert a few weeks ago and had a brilliant time, so much so that we booked to see the same artist later this year at a venue a flight away from where we live. We also booked the flight.

We have quite few concerts arranged for the coming months. We (in our separate homes) watched something on TV over the weekend about one of the bands we're due to see and it really whetted our appetites. After watching, T tried to track down tickets for another venue for this band and thought she found some good ones, I asked where she'd found them.

Next day she emailed me sounded pretty excited to say she'd found some really good tickets on an ebay type site, more than face value but not extortionately priced, and said she was thinking how great it would be to go.

I had overnight thought about whether I would want to go and whether I could go, and realised I have hardly any free weekends between now and August. I need to fit in meeting up with an old friend (actually my longest standing friend - I've know her since we were 5) sometime in one of those weekends, and the weekend of this new concert was one that Oldest Friend had mentioned she was probably free.

I replied to T saying I didn't think I could commit at the moment to another weekend away, as I needed to organise seeing Oldest Friend and that weekend was a possible date for the meet up. I did say if I ended up being free that weekend I would let her know (the concert tickets are not likely to sell out over the next couple of weeks). I went off to a meeting at work and returned to find an email from T telling me not to bother and saying that I have no idea how I appear to use people. She also made a comment that she was sure it would have been a different story if it was one of my favourite bands.

I felt sick and almost burst into tears at my desk. It really hurt that she would be that cold, short and angry with me. I replied immediately saying I had no idea I came across that way and asking her why she thought that. I apologised that my email may have seemed a bit abrupt (I was not having the best of days at work and was in a hurry to get to a meeting when I wrote it). She didn't reply.

Next day I texted her to tell her I'd put a cheque in the post to pay my half of our latest concert booking. Her reply just said OK, and that I could have the recently bought tickets and to let me know what name to change her plane ticket to (she knows my other friends aren't really into concerts so I don't know who she thought I might get to go with me). I texted that I didn't want to go with anyone but her and that I was still confused about what she'd said about using people, and asked if we could at least talk. I have heard nothing from her since.

I have told my Best Friend and another friend the story and both have said to just leave her, not contact her and she will forget this and get back in touch. This isn't the first time she has stopped talking to me and on previous occasions she has indeed got back in touch eventually. The other times however she hasn't accused me of using people. It hurts to be accused of that and I spent most of the day she said it trying to work out what I'd done. Best Friend however reassured me that I am not using T and that she is overreacting. She pointed out that I am entitled to say no to invitations and that T doesn't own me.

T does have very low self esteem and I wonder if it was me saying I needed to arrange seeing Oldest Friend before I could commit to the concert is what angered her. Did she feel like she was second best? I do know that none of my other friends would have reacted like that to what I said.

If she does get back in touch I am not sure a simple sorry will be enough this time, I think we would need to talk about why she said what she did. And if she doesn't get back in touch then we have the practical problem of a whole lot of concerts booked together and we will need to sort out what will happen to the tickets.

I have to confess that there is a part of me which wants to email her to tell her exactly how this has made me feel and to remind her that someone who was using her would not have given her the support I have given her over the past year or two.

If I don't hear from her in the next week I will need to decide what to do as our next concert is soon. Do I continue to ignore her and just accept missing the concert (which we've both really been looking forward to)? Do I contact her to ask if she wants to go to the concert? Do I ask her to please just talk to me? And what if she continues to ignore me?

Where to begin

Don't worry, I haven't done anything exciting like find a boyfriend or lose my virginity. The recent drama has all been in my friend T's life. Now I'm all for living vicariously through the lives of others but in this case I wish her life had been boring since my last post.

Last time I posted I was worried about going away for the weekend with her in case she gushed about the guy she was seeing. Well the weekend was fine, there was a little gushing, and a bit of worry, as there was misunderstanding the two of them needed to sort out while she was away, but all was ok. Since then however it's all been downhill.

Not long after that weekend he told her he had to clear the air with his ex girlfriend and that until that was done he and T couldn't be together properly as it would be unfair on both women. Fair enough, it seemed he was doing the right thing. Not long after that he told her he only wanted to be friends with her, only to sleep with her again a week or two later. And a couple of days after that he again told her he could only be friends. The possibility of him getting back together with his ex was also mentioned.

Various other things have happened before and after these two "just friends" chats. He has invited her to his house for the evening then changed his mind at the last minute. She has gone to his house for an evening and he has tried to make her go home just before midnight after the last train has left. Other plans have been made and broken by him. All in all he has been a pretty unreliable guy.

However she says she is in love with him and really wanted to try to be friends with him so she didn't lose him from her life completely. She thinks it was going ok but from the numerous emails she sent me daily, over analysing every last action and word of his for a sign he might want more than friendship, I don't think it was.

Almost the last straw came a couple of weeks ago when he posted on a social networking site that he was in a relationship. He hadn't told T. She assumed it was the ex but was really upset that he hadn't told her in person. She was feeling so bad that she almost pulled out of the holiday we were due to go on.

Then this week it got worse. He cam out for drinks to celebrate her birthday. She had invited him long ago and he had said he would come. She kept saying that if he didn't she wouldn't bother going out at all (which sort of made me feel a little unwanted - aren't I good enough to celebrate with?).

Anyway, he did some out, and the evening started okay, but then in bar number 2, he made some comments relating to drug dealing friends which really disturbed me. She told me not to worry and we carried on to bar number 3. For the first half hour or so the three of us drank and chatted and took photos, then the two of them moved away a little and started their own conversation, leaving me standing alone, for pretty much the rest of the evening. She came over to me a couple of times to say they were sorting out the whole friendship thing and please could I let them sort it then we could have fun. The fun did not happen as not long after she came to me and said he had just said something which suggested he himself deals in drugs. He also made some nasty comments to her which made her feel awful about herself. She ended up crying her eyes out on me when we got home, though she never showed him how upset she was.

I am really not good at dealing with this sort of thing, as much as I might say "it will get better, you won't always feel like this" how do I know it will get better having never experienced it? Part of me also wants to shake her and say "you've only known him for 5 months, how can you be in love with him?" but again I have no personal experience to base that on. And when she says she hates herself and that shit keeps happening to her, I feel like saying "what about me? You think you're awful because this happened, I am so loathsome that nobody even wants to try to be with me, so I've never got as far as being dumped."

I'm not really sure where this post is going, but I am just tired of being an amateur counsellor for her (she has said a few times she wants to die and has self esteem problems) and needed to write this all down. I will keep doing the counsellor thing as much as I can, but it is exhausting me and I'm not qualified for it. I am trying with not much luck to get her to see her doctor and get a referral to someone who is qualified. I am grateful all this crap is not happening to me, but at the same time it makes me sad that I have no idea what it feels like to love someone.

This could go one of two ways

I am going away for the weekend with T tomorrow. I was really looking forward to it. We're going to a city we've been to once before and want to see more of, and have a concert to go to.

Part of me still is excited. However, another part of me is a little apprehensive. T has a new boyfriend and is, by her own admission, very loved-up. She said the other day that she was likely to be unbearable this weekend. I don't mind hearing some things about her new man and how happy she is, but I'm not sure I can cope with an whole weekend of being told how wonderful he is. It's only likely to make me feel even more single and unwanted and I suspect I may be fed up of it by Friday evening.

The fact that she has acknowledged that she might be very annoying does give me some hope though, as when I've had enough I can probably tell her, in the nicest possible way, that it's time to change the subject.

Left behind yet again

That guy I mentioned a few posts back who was flirting with my friend T? He is now officially her boyfriend. So again, I am the odd one out, the only single person among my female friends. I spoke to her earlier and she says today is the happiest day of her life and she can't stop smiling. And that is great, I love her to bits and she deserves some happiness after a tough last year or two.

But it makes me dwell even more on what the hell is wrong with me that I have reached my age without having a boyfriend. T has known this guy for about a month. He has worked in her office for a couple of weeks and been flirting with her for a little less than that. She is not the type of woman who goes from guy to guy and is never single, far from it in fact. She is not very confident with men and has, to my knowledge, had 3 relationships. But she does at least attract men, which is more than I do apparently.

None of the guys I contacted on eHarmony have responded and nobody has contacted me. I've just been on the site a fired off more questions to a few more guys. I don't know what else I can do. I'm trying, I signed up for online dating, I'm contacting guys, but it's not getting me anywhere.

Yes, I'm single, no I'm not dating

First things first, the latest with the guy from eharmony. I mailed him when I got back from my weekend away and suggested some evenings when I am free to meet. He replied last night and is busy this weekend, but can do next Tuesday.

Which means I may have a date next Tuesday. Crap. I've only been on two dates in my life and neither was a success. I have too many things to think about, too many decisions to make. He asked where I want to meet. He lives in a town about a 15 minute train ride from my city, so I need to decide whether we meet here or there. If here, I have no idea where we would go. I don't eat out here very often so don't know the best places to go, and the only pubs and bars I know I risk bumping into people I know. So there may be easier.

And what does one wear on a midweek date? Hell, what does one wear on a date full stop? I'm a casual, jeans and a t-shirt or jumper or hoodie kind of girl. Do I stick with jeans but dress up my top half? Do I dress up my top and bottom halves?

If he doesn't suggest what we could do, what should I suggest? Dinner? Or is it too presumptuous to assume he'll want to spend money on dinner, even just his own? If we do go to dinner, do I pay for myself? With female friends I pretty much always do, with male friends I always try to, but the offer is sometimes refused. Should I get out my money when the bill comes and see what he says? I'm sure there will be more questions before Tuesday.

Away from date stress, I had a great weekend at the wedding. It was lovely to be in a different part of the country for a few days and to see friends, the wedding service was lovely, I ate well at the wedding breakfast (and for the rest of the weekend), I danced lots and may have drunk a little too much.

The only downside was a couple of queries about my relationship status. One was from a female ex-colleague who asked "are you single?" over dinner with the girls on the Friday evening. I said yes, still single and tried to laugh it off, mumbling something about working with mostly women and unattractive men. There was a bit of an awkward silence and in truth I felt quite embarrassed to be having to tell her that I was still single. She's never known me to be anything else. On the evening of the wedding, during the disco, a male ex-colleague asked if I was seeing anyone and again I had to say no, and wondered if he thought I was a freak, or a lesbian.

I did feel a bit down on my way home. I had said goodbye to the bride and groom the day after the wedding and they were off on honeymoon together. The colleague who asked if I was single drove home to her husband and children. E and A took me to the station to catch my train, and then went off together. And I travelled home alone and came back to an empty house.

A busy time at work has taken my mind off things since, until today. It seems T has a guy a work who has been flirting with her and may be interested in her. She says she's smiled more today than she has in months. I'm happy for her but I am also wondering how this is happening for her a couple of months after starting the job and only a week or two after meeting him. I've been in my new job well over a year and nothing, nobody. Yes I know it is a terribly cliched way for an eternally single person to feel but I can't help it.

Nothing to report

No news on the e-harmony front I'm afraid. I emailed him on the same day as my last blog post, he replied the next day. I'd mentioned that life was a bit busy at the moment but that it would be good to meet, he said that things were hectic for him too but he'd like to meet. So far so good.

I was away visiting my best friend last weekend, and he was out of the country. I meant to email him early this week, but have had a ridiculously busy time at work and haven't really been in in the right mood. I've turned on my laptop in the evenings but have tended to only have the energy to stare at the screen, rather than come up with something to write. I finally replied to him last night.

I feel bad for taking so long to do so, and part of me is thinking that I'm deliberately avoiding emailing so as to push a possible meeting further into the future. I know that is probably the worst thing I can do. I just need to arrange a date and get it over and done with. It can't be as bad as I am imagining, and once I've been on one date, hopefully my fear and nervousness will subside a little. I am away next weekend, but have told him that I am free the weekend after and also have some free evenings this week and next.

I'm still having fun with friends. My best friend and I went out to the big city last weekend, just the two of us, without her husband and children. We used to do that a fair bit when she was single, and it was long overdue. We both had great fun. E and A visited today and we did some exploring of the local area. I'm off to a wedding next weekend, which should be fun, but is also likely to remind me of my lack of relationship as I'll be one of the only guest without a "plus one".

E-non-harmony

I have just cancelled my e-harmony subscription, and surprise,surprise, after several months as a member, I am no closer to a relationship. If I'm honest, I don't think my heart was really in it. I didn't want to be the woman who had to resort to a dating website to find someone, and I was (and still am) not that confident about communicating with men I've never met, but who I have been matched with and therefore I am supposed to get to know. (I was also a bit annoyed by e-harmony auto renewing my subscription without asking me.)

My membership is paid until April 8th so I have just had a trawl through my matches and fired off a couple of responses and some questions. The guy who wanted to know what I had learnt from previous relationships appears to have closed communication so I didn't have to tackle that one. I actually felt more relaxed about answering the questions knowing that my membership is ending. I didn't spend ages deliberating over what to say and how, I just typed what I felt. I guess part of me is thinking that by the time they reply I may not be a member anymore so I won't be able to communicate with them.

I wonder if I might be more suited to a dating site where you pick the guys yourself and are not matched. Apart from the e-harmony matches mostly being awful, once I started communicating with people, I did feel a sort of pressure to get on with them. I'd been matched with them, they were possibly interested in me, therefore they were a potential boyfriend, if that makes sense. Maybe I wouldn't feel that on site where there is no matching?

I'm not sure where else other than online I am going to meet anyone. I am still swimming, but it's a solitary activity, I go out once a week most weeks with my ex-housemate the Scientist, and two of her friends, but it's not the sort of evening where you meet new people. I do have a new housemate who I guess may have friends I could meet, but then again I have known my current male housemate for over a year and I have never met a single friend or family member of his.

In other parts of life, things are good. I am getting on well in my new job and am working with a great bunch of people. It is about to get very busy and probably pretty stressful but it will hopefully be an enjoyable challenge.

I visited my old town a few weeks ago and spent time with E and A, and am meeting T this week to go a concert. T and I have a lot of things planned for this year, including holidays and more concerts, and I am so glad I have her as most of these things I wouldn't really want to do on my own. I really hope that if she stops being single she will still have time for me. I am fairly sure she will have. Talking of people who are no longer single, my best friend (who is married) and I are going to see a show together next month. It's something we used to do fairly often years ago and I'm really looking forward to it. As she said herself, it will be just like old times.

The return of enthusiasm...sort of

I have had a fit of enthusiasm about eharmony this evening. I got rather a lot of new matches over Christmas and New Year and thought I'd better make time to look at them and see if any seem interesting.

I hadn't actually closed any matches or started communicating with anyone for a few weeks, so I had almost 300 new matches. I closed quite a few, but also found 4 or 5 who sparked my interest, so have opened communication with them. I also received answers from someone I contacted a couple of months ago. I really liked the sound of him so was pleased to see he has answered. I answered his questions, he has sent his must haves/can't stands and I have sent mine. We'll see what happens next.

Communication with Scarf Guy fizzled out. We hadn't got anywhere near agreeing to meet in person and I felt no urge whatsoever to suggest it so I think we can safely say it wouldn't have developed into anything.

I had someone send me an icebreaker and another guy start communication. One I have responded to, for the other I closed the match as I really didn't find him physically attractive. Looking at all the matches I have had, how many are closed and how many I have opened communication with, I suspect my lack of enthusiasm may have partly stemmed from the sheer lack of interest I am getting from my matches. I have had literally hundreds of matches, and have opened communication with any I felt I might get on with - probably at least a hundred of them. The number who have either contacted me, or responded to my contact is I think in single figures. Is that a normal hit rate for eharmony? Or am I getting less interest than most?

The thought that I was just not attractive or interesting enough did make me feel as if it was a waste of time. What is the point of contacting all these people if only 1% respond? Then again, maybe I do have to trawl through all those who aren't for me to find the one (or more) who is? Anyway, for the time being, I am going to try to log in to eharmony regularly and check my matches, something I have failed to do recently.

In other news, I spent a quiet Christmas with family in another part of the UK, and New Year with my best friend and her family. I have never understood the eagerness of everyone to celebrate on New Year's Eve, and discussing it with my friend I realised I have only actually gone out drinking/partying on the night a grand total of once, when I was 18. We were in bed shortly before midnight after watching a film on TV for the evening. The best thing about New Year was the time off work which gave me chance to spend time with those I care about.

The weekend before Christmas was a busy one. I visited E and A, and T and ended up eating out on both days. It was great to see them, and I saw A again a few days later when he came to a concert with me, as a last minute replacement for T who couldn't make it. It was a fun evening, and the more time I spend with him the more I realise that we make good friends, but would have been a failure as boyfriend/girlfriend.

I hope you all had a good Christmas and New Year.

Lethargy

It's been a while and there isn't a great deal to report. I've become sort of lethargic about the whole online dating thing. There's been a few more longish messages between me and Scarf Guy, but he has made no mention of meeting up. Even if he had I haven't had many free weekends recently. I've had a few get togethers with friends and I've been on holiday and the few times I have had a weekend to myself I've just felt like vegging. Yes I could have suggested meeting myself, but I think the fact that I didn't probably indicates that I'm not that interested in him.

I've had the odd bit of interest from a couple of other eharmony guys but at the moment I'm really just feeling "can't be bothered" about it all. I can't put my finger on why. Maybe it feels like hard work? Harder than meeting someone in real life, getting to know them and things developing from there. I know though that if I don't make the effort I can't really sit around and complain. The ideal man isn't just going to appear from nowhere. But how I go about getting back my enthusiasm and energy I'm not sure.

I still have enthusiasm and energy in the rest of my life. I had a great, fun time on holiday with T, I've been happy spending time with friends and I had a really entertaining evening with my work colleagues the other week. I have various "dates" in my diary for the next month or two. Trouble is, none of them are with men.

And if your way should falter, along the stony pass...

It's been a hectic few weeks, mostly unrelated to online dating. I have been away from home for the last three weekends and will be next weekend two,which has left me tired, but I have had some wonderful times with friends.

Weekend 1 I was away watching a U2 concert with T. We both loved it, so much so that we decided to try to get tickets for the following weekend at a different venue. We managed to get some, plus somewhere to stay so had a rather short notice weekend 2 away. The concert was even better than the first (better atmosphere, better crowd, felt more intimate) and we both came away as huge fans, whereas prior to seeing them live I would have described us as casual fans. We loved the "classics" but didn't know too much else. Now I am having to stop myself from trying to tell everyone I talk to about how great they were - I'm sure I have detected a few glazed looks.

Weekend 3 I visited my best friend for a couple of days, then had a day out with E and A which involved a gallery, lunch, a beach, paddling in the sea and more food. This weekend coming I am visiting T for her birthday. I don't think I've had this many busy weekends in a row for years, but I'm not complaining, it's been a really great few weeks.

On the dating front, I am still communicating with Scarf Guy. We've both sent some really long messages so I feel I am getting to know a fair bit about him. I know some of you have suggested I meet him as soon as possible to see if there is any chemistry, but I think as he is the first one, I am happy with the long messages, then maybe a phone call before meeting in person. The messages are giving me practice at just communicating with a potential date. I'm ok at talking to male friends, but the potential date aspect makes me very nervous. I hope by the time we meet (assuming we do) I will feel as if I "know" him, will have things to talk about with him and will feel more relaxed with him. That's the theory anyway.

No more word from Bermuda Man so I think he's no. Two more guys have responded, a teacher who I'll call The Teacher, and a guy with a rather nice smile, who I find most attractive of the three. I also have a mountain of matches to wade through and either reject or contact. I haven't really been checking my account much recently. I will keep you posted of any developments.

Just a word on the title of this, it's a U2 lyric that I love, from a song written about/to Michael Hutchence after his suicide. It, and the rest of the song, have been popping into my head a lot recently, and I love the sentiment of it, that no matter how bad things may feel right now, it will pass, and it will get better. I have couple of people in my life who I have needed to say that to recently and in one case I emailed a link to the song. It felt a soppy thing to do, but also completely appropriate. There are some things that songs, poems etc can express better than I ever could.

So I was just wondering...

Nothing exciting to report on the online dating front. I have continued communication with the second guy (who I'm going to call Barbados Man because he says he'd like to own a home there one day). We've exchanged must haves and can't stands and there are no dealbreakers there. I've sent the second lot of questions to him.

I have some questions to answer from Scarf Guy. The answers are free text rather than multiple choice and I need to take some time to think about my answers, but have not really been in the right mood this weekend. I will see if I can get them done tomorrow evening.

I felt a little sad yesterday evening. I spent the day with T and her mum, lunching, drinking wine, mooching and doing a little shopping. It was a fun day and when I arrived home alone to an empty house I felt a bit sad at the prospect of the rest of the evening. I found it rather odd as I do like (and need) time spent alone and enjoy my own company and being able to do exactly what I want. I think if I had spent the day alone I would have been perfectly ok about being alone for the evening too. I guess it was just the contrast between a fun, busy day and a quiet evening which affected me. Anyway I've felt fine today.

Ok, the third topic for this post is the main reason I am writing this evening. I have a statcounter on my blog and can log in and see some details of who is visiting the site - ISP, country, what web browser they have etc. The same visitors seem to pop up quite regularly and I've been wondering about you all - who are you, why do you read the blog. Of course I know who some of you are from your comments (and I really enjoy the interaction we have and very much appreciate your advice, suggestions and support) but the rest I have no idea about.

I'd love to hear from you - drop me a line at whenyouleastexpect@gmail.com.

A little progress

I am still communicating with Scarf Guy. I sent him some questions which required free text answers, rather than multiple choice, and he has answered them and sent his own back. He still sounds an interesting person, with some likes in common with me (e.g. travel) and others which I don't do often but enjoy when I do (e.g. walking in the countryside). He generally seems to have a similar outlook on life to me.

Slightly excitingly, someone actually started communication with me. He sent me a wink as an "ice-breaker", I sent him back a message saying let's communicate, so he sent me some questions. He looks physically more like the kind of guy I usually find attractive and I was more keen on him than Scarf Guy until I got back his answers to my first lot of questions.

One of them I sent was "how do you feel about your partner having friends of the opposite sex?". His answer was the most negative of the 4 choices, that he would feel uncomfortable with his partner having friends of the opposite sex. This was not a great answer from my point of view. I do have male friends. A couple of them I am pretty close to and see fairly often. The others I see less often, but I enjoy their company and have fun with them.

I don't think I would be particularly happy in a relationship with someone who felt uncomfortable with my friendships. I would make me feel uneasy about seeing my friends, knowing that my partner didn't like it, and I would worry about being pressured to give them up. And I am not giving up my friends for anything. They're my friends, I love them and they're part of what makes me me.

A response!

Well only a minor one, but a response nonetheless. One of the guys I requested a photo from has posted one. He must have seen my profile and photos and he hasn't ignored my request, he hasn't closed the match, instead he has posted his photo, which seems positive. I have now sent him my questions so we'll see what happens.

Some more of the guys I'd sent questions to have closed the match, but I've sent off questions to a few more. I currently have 12 I am "communicating" with, which in reality means I have sent them questions and I am waiting for their responses. A little disappointing that not a single one has responded, but as recommended by the website I will give it a couple of weeks before I become totally disillusioned with the whole thing.

In other news I have another holiday booked. I had a lovely day with T yesterday, much of it spent on the Internet researching flights and hotels. We found a good deal and are off to Chicago later in the year. As we were talking yesterday, I did wonder what she might think of me signing up for online dating. We spoke about it briefly once, when a mutual friend was trying to persuade me to sign up, and she said she would NEVER be desperate enough to try it. I hope she would understand that to me it's just another way to meet men, as I have failed to meet anyone I connect with in my day to day life.

Life is....okay

Well, I’ve finally found a little window of time in which to do some blogging. I have successfully moved to my new city where I’m living in a shared house, which I’m really enjoying after being in a flat for so long. I’m only sharing with two others, which is unusual, as most of the places I looked at were for four or more. It means that the house feels quite roomy as we have extra living space.

My housemates are fine, one is a guy I’ve hardly seen as he’s been working long hours, the other is a woman who I’ve spent a fair bit of time chatting to. The house feels like home already and I haven’t felt uncomfortable living with strangers, which I had been a little worried about. Unfortunately the female housemate is moving out soon, and another woman, who I met briefly, is moving in, so I’ll be starting from scratch again getting to know her. I don’t actually feel too daunted by that, certainly not compared to how I felt when I moved away to university. After my family had dropped me off I spent several hours hiding in my room, listening to my flatmates arriving and meeting each other, too shy and nervous to go and introduce myself. I have definitely moved on since then!

My new job is going okay so far. My colleagues are a mixed bunch but very friendly and some of them invited me out for a drink after work at the end of my first week, which I never knew to happen in my last place. I think the ones around my age and younger do socialise together sometimes and some of them seem to know a lot of people, so hopefully that will be one way to meet new people. My female housemate has invited me out too, so that should be another way. I have yet to join any clubs or do any of my sporting things, but will try to sort something out in the next week or two. One thing I don’t want to do is get into the rut of sitting at home every single evening feeling sorry for myself. At the moment though I am still unpacking , sorting out my room and feeling tired from absorbing so much new information.

I miss my friends from the old place. E and A were wonderful while I was moving and provided a lot of help. In fact I don’t think I could have done it without them. They’re planning to come and visit soon, which will be great.

All in all things are okay at the moment.