The truth will out?

I just checked my eharmony account as I had an email to tell me I had received a communication, and I just had to smile at what I found. I have got as far as open ended questions with one of the guys I contacted last weekend. He has just sent me his, the last of which is:

Why did you join eHarmony?

So who dares me to answer that with "Because I am a socially inept, unconfident misfit who has been unable to find a boyfriend despite being nearly 36"? Honesty is after all the best policy, and the truth will out in the end.

It appears I am feeling somewhat more blase about the whole thing since I cancelled my subscription.

So apparently I'm not the world's best party guest

Although I probably knew that about myself already. I went to my ex-housemate, the Scientist's birthday party the other evening. It was at her house and I said I'd go because I like her and because I would hate it if I was throwing a party and nobody came. I wasn't really that keen though, and would have preferred to sit at home with the TV or some music and a book.

I think I've mentioned previously that I'm not good in large groups of people. Well, the party was no exception. The only people I knew there were the Scientist, her housemate, and the Scientist's ex-work colleague. The rest were mostly people she knows from a musical activity she does. I spent some time talking to her, a little talking to her housemate, and most of the evening talking to the ex-work colleague. I will certainly never be one of those people who wanders around all the rooms at a house party chatting to everyone.

That bit of the evening was ok, especially when the ex-work colleague confessed that she didn't like house parties either. Unfortunately she had to leave fairly early and I ended up sitting with six or seven people I didn't know, listening to them talking and trying to smile or laugh at the appropriate points. I think I contributed about two comments, excluding telling them where I work when they asked.

I stayed late enough not to look rude then decided to leave. I got up and made my way out of the room, and I'm sure as I went one or two of the people made comments about having scared me off. I guess they may have thought I was unfriendly and rude as I didn't talk much, but surely there's no need to comment while I'm still in the room? I must have become much thicker skinned over the years because it didn't actually bother me. I just thought "oh well, their problem not mine".

I'm not entirely sure where I am going with this post. At 35 I know I'm not suddenly going to be able to change my whole character and become the life and soul of the party. I just wish I came across as a semi-confident, interesting person, rather than an extremely shy, socially maladjusted one. All the advice about going out and doing things making it easier to meet men is all very well, but it's not going to work if I can only manage to speak to people I already know.

To online date or not to online date?

In the past week I've had a couple of conversations about online dating and dating agencies. The first was when a work colleague mentioned that she once had a second job and that it was because she wasn't meeting anyone (i.e. men) at her main job. She didn't meet any men there so joined some sort of dating agency. She was quite open about it and others in the office laughed about how they used to help her choose who to go out with next, and how they used to look forward to hearing how the dates went. She said that the 6 months she was doing it were the most fun she's ever had, going for dinner, seeing films etc with all sorts of men. And she did end up meeting the man she married.

The next conversation was with one of my housemates who randomly asked if I was looking for a boyfriend. I stumbled a bit over my answer and said something along the lines of "well, not particularly, but I wouldn't complain if someone came along". I couldn't very well say "I've never actually had a boyfriend, I have no idea why not, but I think I really would like one" could I? She then went on to ask if I'd ever tried internet dating and I said I hadn't but that I knew friends who had. She seemed to quite like the idea and was of the opinion that while in the past it was only so-called "desperate" people who tried it, now it's a much more "acceptable" way for anyone to meet someone new. I agree with her about that, the embarrassment factor is certainly less nowadays, and the more people, like my colleague, are open about it, the more it will be seen as a "normal" way to meet men.

However, I'm not sure whether it's something that I personally want to do. Not because of any embarrassment amongst friends, but for various other reasons. I'm shy and don't have much confidence when meeting new people. How successful would I be at picking up the phone and trying to converse? I fear there would be lengthy silences. I have no relationship history. How do I know what I want in a man? How do I answer the questions about previous relationships, especially if the question comes up early on? Would it put a guy off even before he'd got to really know me?

I know that with internet dating at least you know that the guy is definitely looking for a relationship, and you therefore hopefully avoid all the "is he, isn't he interested" worry, but I think I would much prefer to know someone as a friend first. I'd rather get to know them without worrying or feeling any pressure about where things are going, and I'd want to let them get to know me as a person before any awkward questions came up. Trouble is, I've made male friends but none has become anything more and I'm not having much luck meeting new friends.

Hearing people talk about online dating has made me wonder if I should just think what the hell and give it a go. Surely I can live with any embarrassment? It's not going to kill me after all. And if a guy is scared off by my relationship history, would I really want him? Or should I try clubs or evening classes in my new city first? Maybe I will investigate some websites.

A (very) short dating history, part 2

The second (and last) date I went on was thankfully much less eventful than the one with Stalker Guy. He was another one from the dating agency. I can’t actually remember who contacted who, but we agreed to meet in a large town nearby, during the day. I travelled by train and met him at the railway station. I wasn’t taking any chances that we might end up alone together, or that he might find out where I lived.

We recognised each other at the station then made our way to the centre of town. We stopped for a while in a coffee shop, and then walked in the sun for a while. We talked and there weren’t too many awkward silences, but I felt no spark and wasn’t particularly feeling that I wanted to get to know him better.

And one thing he talked about made me feel even more that he wasn’t for me. He mentioned that he enjoyed playing computer games, which I have no problem with. I admit I’m a bit of a Luddite when it comes to modern technology, and I’ve never actually owned a games console, but I have friends who do and I find it fun to spend the odd hour or two playing on a Wii or Playstation with them.

Trouble is this guy wasn’t talking about sociable, fun evenings with friends. He was talking about sitting at home for days on end, alone, playing one particular game for most of his waking hours. It sounded as if he spent most of his days off from work in that way.

I just couldn’t see myself dating someone who spent his free time doing that. I may not have the most exciting of social lives, and I’m not the extroverted type who has to be out and seeing people every evening, but I do like to get out of the house and talk to other human beings once in a while, maybe go for a drink, have dinner. I did wonder if I was maybe being too quick to judge, and that maybe he would reduce the gaming if he started dating, but it wasn’t as if I’d started out thinking he was wonderful and then been put off by the gaming. It was just something else to add to the cons list.

After a couple of hours we made our way back to the station, with me getting more nervous the nearer we got about whether he might try to kiss me. He didn’t. I breathed a sigh of relief. We said goodbye and vaguely said we’d contact each other, but neither of us did. So, an unsuccessful date, but not horrible, or creepy, or scary.

I had a couple of other phone calls from dating agency men, but had virtually nothing in common with them (I have no idea what they matched us on). For the rest of the year I was sent details of my matches but I just didn’t feel confident enough to contact any of them – I think I’d used up all my confidence stores on the first two. Plus I was so disappointed in the ones I’d met or spoken to so far that I was pretty pessimistic about meeting anyone better.

Since then there have been a couple of guys I’ve been interested in. One, I’ve mentioned a few times already, the other was a previous work colleague (which seems to be the only place I meet men I’m attracted to) and looking back although I found him attractive I don’t think that ultimately I was that into him in other ways.

And currently? There is someone that I think I might sort of like. I haven’t mentioned it to any of my friends, and I haven’t really admitted it to myself yet, because I’m not completely sure of how I feel. Also I’m fairly convinced already that he’s not interested, so I don’t know whether there is much point admitting it...

Shooting myself in the foot

I just realised that my last post talks about my friend Sociable Guy inviting everyone he knows when he’s going out for a drink, and I thought isn’t that what I’m looking for, a way to meet new people? So why don’t I accept every invitation that comes my way from him?

I do accept some of his invites and over time have met a good number of his friends. They’ve all seemed nice but there hasn’t been anyone I’ve really clicked with or wanted to get to know better. When I go out with him now and his friends are there, I’ve generally met most of them already so the source of new people to meet has pretty much dried up anyway.

Also, I am not very good at all at speaking up in a large group of people, especially if I don’t know them very well. I’m that person in the corner who sits there and says nothing, while the conversation flows on without me and everyone else contributes insightful comments and chips in with witty one-liners. I can’t see anyone deciding that the quiet one in the corner is the one they want to know better.

I find it a little easier to talk to people in a smaller group, but if I don’t know them well (or at all) it’s still quite difficult and I still feel uncomfortable. There are those awkward pauses while I try to think of something to say and in an effort to say something I sometimes say pointless, stupid things.

I am a slightly more successful at one-to-one conversations, mainly because if I do say something idiotic, or am stuck for words, there’s only one person witnessing it, rather than a little group. It sort of lessens the embarrassment factor.

I will keep accepting the invitations if they arrive in one of my more confident moments. I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot by refusing them all, because you never know, one day there may be a new person there who I do click with. At the moment it just seems like one more “activity”, along with classes and clubs, where I’ve unsuccessfully met new people.

The thought does occur that I’m being somewhat fussy and picky about this – “I want to meet new people and make new friends...but not like that...I couldn’t make friends at that sort of event....I’ve tried that, it didn’t work”. But any analysis of that will turn this into a very lengthy post. Another time maybe. I need to go and buy wine to go with lunch.