The times they are not a-changin’

I didn’t go out with my Sociable Guy friend after all. I contacted him but he was working all day Saturday and decided the weather was too cold and wet to leave the warmth of home once he got back from work. So I spent the evening at home on my own. It’s at times like this that I really wish I had a group of single female friends who I could call up and invite out and I’d know that at least one of them would say yes.

I mentioned to Sociable Guy that at the moment I’m feeling fed up and as if my life is going anywhere. He responded by saying that only I can change the way my life is going and that I have to take the plunge and do what makes me happier.

I guess he’s right up to a point. No matter how stuck I may feel, there are probably ways out if only I try hard enough. I could try to work out what alternative job would suit me, then find myself a new job, preferably one with a higher salary, because that would mean that I could also get myself a home of my own. Or I could even try to find a better paid job similar to my current one because again that would enable a change of home. But finding someone to have a relationship with, relying as it does on someone else’s feelings, doesn’t seem quite as straightforward. I could make more effort to meet new people. I could sign up for even more courses and join even more clubs. I could even try internet dating, although the thought of it terrifies me. Ultimately though, I have no control over someone else’s feelings or over whether we click.

I know that I do need to change my life in some way, but I am uncertain whether I ought to try to change one aspect at a time, or just go for one big bang. Do I move into a different houseshare and stay in the same job? Do I find another job and a new home but stay in the same town? Do I find a new job in a different town which would give me a whole townful of new people to meet (assuming I could pluck up the courage to try to meet them)?

Doing anything at all seems too scary. What if I don’t like the new job? The new housemates? The new town? I think I’ve become almost too comfortable with a lot of things. I can do my job with my eyes closed. I’ve known my colleagues for ages so no nerve-wracking getting to know them required. I live conveniently close to work. I like the town I live in, its facilities and its location. I sometimes wish I hated my job because that would give me a push into at least changing jobs even if nothing else.

I am a terrible procrastinator. I am capable of spending hours thinking about what I‘d like to change and ways I’d want to do it, I day dream about living elsewhere, about travelling more, about the day I am offered a wonderful new job, yet I do nothing that might help to take me down that different path.

Sociable Guy is right. I am the only one who can change the way my life is going. I just need to give myself a very big kick to force myself to do it. Trouble is, I think I’m too afraid to give myself that kick.

Stuck

I’ve been feeling as if my life has got stuck for the past couple of days. It’s something that hits me every now and then and when I woke up on Thursday I recognised the feeling immediately and have not been able to shake it since. There are all sorts of aspects of my life that I wish were different, and that I want to change, but I seem unable to, hence the feeling “stuck”.

I have a job that which I don’t really enjoy and which doesn’t especially motivate me. I don’t dread coming to work each day, but I want to do something that I find more fulfilling and more of a challenge. The trouble is I am not entirely sure what that might be. I do have a “dream job” but it is one which is only recruited to once a year and which has quite a tough recruitment process. I have applied in the past and will do so again, but I don’t want to rest all my hopes on it, and would like to have an alternative in mind in case it doesn’t come to anything. So unless I am lucky in the dream job application and until I work out what else I might like to do, I am stuck.

I am in a similar situation in my home. I don’t hate where I live but would like to have a place of my own or at least to share with just one other person. Currently I share a rented flat with several other people and it often seems as if some of my flatmates change every few months. Unfortunately I can’t afford a place of my own and don’t really have anyone to share a smaller place with. So again I am stuck.

And then there’s my love life, or rather lack of. This is where I feel particularly stuck. I have had other jobs and lived in other places and can imagine changing both for something better eventually, even though it seems a distant prospect at the moment. The lack of a relationship though, I’m really not sure I can imagine that changing. Five years ago I thought, and hoped, that by now I might have met someone. As each year goes by however, and nothing happens, it feels more and more as if nothing ever will.

It’s as if I am treading water and going nowhere, while everyone else is swimming on past making progress in their lives.

It’s when I’m feeling like this that the optimism I usually take from my friendship with my sociable guy friend turns to pessimism. The theory that if he finds me interesting enough to want to be friends with me, then surely there’s someone out there who will find me interesting and attractive enough to want to date me, turns on its head. All I have is the thought that if all I need is for someone to find me attractive as well as interesting, why the hell hasn’t it happened yet? I’ve known a fair few men over the years, some of whom have become friends even if only for a short time. Did none of them find me attractive? Were they attracted to me and I missed the signs? I am extremely bad at reading signs, plus I often get too caught up with my own nervousness to even look for signs, so it is possible. I’m not sure I want to go any further with analysing why; I think I’d just make myself feel worse.

I was supposed to be meeting up with Sociable Guy this weekend. We haven’t made any concrete plans and I’m not really in the mood for trying to socialise, but I think I might contact him and try to arrange something. If I don’t I’ll just end up being miserable at home alone, and I’m definitely not going to unstuck myself doing that.

My future self?

I spent a few hours at the shops today, mainly on the seemingly never ending search for a pair of jeans that fit perfectly. Just as I was standing in yet another fitting room wearing yet another not quite right pair I got a call from a guy friend.

He’s probably the most sociable person I know. Actually he’s probably the most sociable person I’ve ever met in my whole life. He loves going out, being with people and meeting new people and if he’s going out for a drink he’ll often invite pretty much everyone he knows. I prefer to see friends one-on-one or in a small group where I know everyone, so I don’t always feel comfortable at his gatherings. I get on well with him though and we’re going to arrange to meet up next weekend. Plans for two weekends in a row! Must be all that complaining I did...

My friendship with Sociable Guy gives me hope that I will find someone one day. He seems to find me interesting and worth spending time with, and says that I’m lovely (usually after a few drinks, but hey, a compliment is a compliment), that I really shouldn’t be single and that I need to find a man. I figure that if he finds me interesting enough to want to be friends with me, then surely there’s someone out there who will find me interesting and attractive enough to want to date me. I finished the call feeling quite cheered.

About an hour later I was waiting in the queue at the supermarket checkout and was watching an older woman on her own (about in her 70s) pack and pay for her food. And that prompted the thought: That’s me in 40 years. I was standing there having visions of me at that age, still single, shopping alone, going home to eat alone. I felt a little sense of panic.

Of course I had no idea whether the woman even was single. She had no wedding ring, but that might not mean anything. A husband might have been at home. She might have been widowed. Even if she was single she might have had a very active and happy life.

I always feel a little sad when I see lone older people, men or women, buying just enough food for one, counting out what looks like their last few coins to pay. Mostly I don’t relate it to myself, I just wonder what their story is and feel sad. I always hope that, no matter what their circumstances now, they’ve had a good life and that they have family and friends who love them.

I’m going to try to keep the cheery feeling I got after the call from Sociable Guy, and forget about the old lady future self panic.

Oh, and I did eventually find a pair of jeans. Not quite a perfect fit, but pretty good.