In my last post I used the words "as soon as I decide I am ready, I can have sex" and said that I was getting closer and closer to feeling ready. Little did I know that it would actually be almost 18 months after deciding I was ready that I would get to have sex.
It's a longish story and much of it isn't mine to tell, so I am not sure I feel comfortable giving every little detail of what happened since my last post. What I can say is that there have been two main reasons for the long wait. I decided not long after my last post that I was ready, and told Shy Guy in what I thought was a really seductive way while we were in bed and doing various other sexual things. He made no attempt to get a condom and didn't ask me for one and just kept kissing me, so I assumed he hadn't understood what I had said. I tried again next time we were together and again, no attempt at having sex.
I asked him why and all I could get out of him was that it would happen when he was ready and that many things affect men being ready for sex. That didn't really make a lot of sense to me, and there were some tears, frustration and annoyance on my part over the next few weeks. A little while later we still hadn't had sex so I asked again why, and this time he told me about something that had happened in his previous long term relationship which made him feel not ready to have sex. So I waited.
Over the next few months we still had a lot of fun, got on really well, and did other sexual stuff, but to me PIV sex felt like the elephant in the room. Every so often I would get hopeful that maybe he would be ready soon and when were being sexual and I was really aroused, I would hope that he might ask for a condom or somehow initiate sex. When he didn't I would be really disappointed. Every so often I would ask gently about sex and if there was anything I could do and if he thought he might ever be ready. I would then spend a few weeks not hoping for sex and just enjoying what we did do. Then I would get hopeful again, then disappointed, then not hopeful.
Eventually after many months of this, he did ask for a condom. I was so pleased. But we didn't get to have sex as he lost his erection when putting the condom on. This did however mean he was ready, and I got really excited and did all sorts of research about condoms and how to have them not affect erections, and shared this information with him, thinking that surely it wouldn't be too long before would would successfully have sex. Due to reason number two - performance anxiety on his part - it turned out to be another many months before it did.
We have now had sex, several times. We were both so incredibly happy after the first time it happened, he looked so so pleased (and I suspect I did too). We are both really enjoying it, me learning about sex, him getting back into it.
So, I am not longer a 40 something virgin. How do I feel? Overall, really happy that I finally got to experience sex. And really pleased that I shared it with someone as lovely as Shy Guy. I love that we are learning/relearning sex together. Sometimes I can't quite believe I have done it. I spent so long as a virgin, and for at least five years before I met Shy Guy I had resigned myself to being one forever, that it does feel a little strange that I am no longer one. I guess the more I do it, the less strange I will feel.
Saturday, 15 December 2018
Tuesday, 24 January 2017
Step by step
Well, somehow, in the past few weeks, I have gone from being eternally single and accepting of the fact that I would be a virgin forever, to being in the position where as soon as I decide I am ready, I can have sex. My brain is having a little difficulty processing the situation.
A few days after the evening at his place which I described in my last post, I went for dinner at his again. We made out again, for a long time, and this time when tried to expose my nipples I let him. He then spent what felt like forever sucking, licking and kissing my breasts and nipples, and I surprised myself with how turned on I got. This time when he mentioned staying over I agreed - he was very clear there was no expectation that I would go any further, and I felt completely comfortable with him. So I shared a bed with a man for the first time ever. The combination of being in a strange bed, and waking up a couple of times to make out, meant I got hardly any sleep, but the sheer bliss of having lain in someone's arms meant I didn't care.
Since then I have spent a few nights at his place and things have progressed bit by bit. He has always respected my wishes on how far to go and has stopped immediately if I have said no. He has given me oral sex, he has masturbated me, he has given me numerous orgasms. One night he went to take off his underwear to which I reacted by exclaiming "no, no, no" in a perhaps slightly over dramatic way.
That night I decided I really needed (and wanted) to tell him about my virginity, so that he would understand if I was slow or reluctant to do certain things. I took me quite a while to work up to saying it, and I repeated the words over and over in my head many times, before managing, in the dark in the middle of the night, to say that I needed to tell him something, but that I wasn't sure if I could get the words out. He made an expectant sort of noise and I said this might take a while, but it actually didn't as a few seconds later I blurted out "I've never done this before".
And his reaction was wonderful, in that there really wasn't one - he didn't freak out, he didn't tell me I was weird, he didn't sound shocked. I was so surprised that I did ask him if he'd heard me, and then if he'd understood, but he assured me he had and said it wasn't a problem. The next evening he sent me the sweetest text telling me that it's not a problem, that all women are different, are ready to have sex at different times, that he knows sex involves certain emotions for women that it doesn't for men and that it should happen when I am comfortable. I could have cried. He has said by text that he does want to have sex with me, to which I said he might have to wait a little longer. His response was there's no hurry, whenever I am ready.
A few days ago he gently moved my hand towards his penis and I rubbed it a little, then the last night I spent with him gave him two hand jobs - it felt very very odd to be doing it but also really good to be pleasing him. I am feeling like I am getting closer and closer to feeling ready to have sex with him.
In non virginity news, we're also getting on great outside the bedroom. There's lots of laughter, lots of talking and lots of sweetness. All in all I am feeling pretty content at the moment.
A few days after the evening at his place which I described in my last post, I went for dinner at his again. We made out again, for a long time, and this time when tried to expose my nipples I let him. He then spent what felt like forever sucking, licking and kissing my breasts and nipples, and I surprised myself with how turned on I got. This time when he mentioned staying over I agreed - he was very clear there was no expectation that I would go any further, and I felt completely comfortable with him. So I shared a bed with a man for the first time ever. The combination of being in a strange bed, and waking up a couple of times to make out, meant I got hardly any sleep, but the sheer bliss of having lain in someone's arms meant I didn't care.
Since then I have spent a few nights at his place and things have progressed bit by bit. He has always respected my wishes on how far to go and has stopped immediately if I have said no. He has given me oral sex, he has masturbated me, he has given me numerous orgasms. One night he went to take off his underwear to which I reacted by exclaiming "no, no, no" in a perhaps slightly over dramatic way.
That night I decided I really needed (and wanted) to tell him about my virginity, so that he would understand if I was slow or reluctant to do certain things. I took me quite a while to work up to saying it, and I repeated the words over and over in my head many times, before managing, in the dark in the middle of the night, to say that I needed to tell him something, but that I wasn't sure if I could get the words out. He made an expectant sort of noise and I said this might take a while, but it actually didn't as a few seconds later I blurted out "I've never done this before".
And his reaction was wonderful, in that there really wasn't one - he didn't freak out, he didn't tell me I was weird, he didn't sound shocked. I was so surprised that I did ask him if he'd heard me, and then if he'd understood, but he assured me he had and said it wasn't a problem. The next evening he sent me the sweetest text telling me that it's not a problem, that all women are different, are ready to have sex at different times, that he knows sex involves certain emotions for women that it doesn't for men and that it should happen when I am comfortable. I could have cried. He has said by text that he does want to have sex with me, to which I said he might have to wait a little longer. His response was there's no hurry, whenever I am ready.
A few days ago he gently moved my hand towards his penis and I rubbed it a little, then the last night I spent with him gave him two hand jobs - it felt very very odd to be doing it but also really good to be pleasing him. I am feeling like I am getting closer and closer to feeling ready to have sex with him.
In non virginity news, we're also getting on great outside the bedroom. There's lots of laughter, lots of talking and lots of sweetness. All in all I am feeling pretty content at the moment.
Thursday, 12 January 2017
Unexpected but very welcome
I started to write an update on events with shy guy last week, which was turning into quite a lengthy post. Before I had chance to finish and publish it, things have moved on somewhat.
To sum up what happened before last weekend - we've been out for dinner and drinks a couple of times, we both pretty much confessed we are interested in more than friendship, and as I went to get out of the taxi at my place after the second dinner I reached out my hand and he took it and caressed it. I texted him to tell him not to be so shy next time and he said he wouldn't be.
I went to his flat on Saturday night for dinner. He cooked and he had a candle on the dining table. We had a couple of cocktails and then some wine. We put on a DVD and he took hold of my hand and kept hold of throughout the film. When the film finished he put his arm round me and stroked my hand and arm and then he kissed me. And kept kissing me. He kissed my lips, my neck, my collarbone and my breasts through my clothes, and my stomach after my shirt rode up while we were kissing. At one point he suggested moving to the bedroom as there was more room than on the sofa but I said no and he was fine with that. Initially it felt odd to be being kissed and I wasn't entirely sure what to do but I just followed his lead, and it did start to feel quite natural. And very enjoyable.
We sat and chatted for a while, and there was then some more kissing. Well, to be accurate, lots more kissing. It got to around 2am, we had been lying cuddling on the sofa for ages, and I said I needed to go home. He invited me to stay the night, but was clear that he wasn't expecting sex, and just wanted to sleep next to me. I said no, and joked about having a nice comfy bed of my own at home. He said I could have the bed and he would sleep on the sofa, but I said no again. Part of me was tempted to stay, but I also felt I needed some time to process what had happened that evening before going a step further and sleeping in the same bed as him. He called for a taxi for me and when it arrived came outside with me and kissed me goodbye.
We sat and chatted for a while, and there was then some more kissing. Well, to be accurate, lots more kissing. It got to around 2am, we had been lying cuddling on the sofa for ages, and I said I needed to go home. He invited me to stay the night, but was clear that he wasn't expecting sex, and just wanted to sleep next to me. I said no, and joked about having a nice comfy bed of my own at home. He said I could have the bed and he would sleep on the sofa, but I said no again. Part of me was tempted to stay, but I also felt I needed some time to process what had happened that evening before going a step further and sleeping in the same bed as him. He called for a taxi for me and when it arrived came outside with me and kissed me goodbye.
Friday, 25 November 2016
Well this is frustrating
Nothing major to report, but I am finding the situation with Shy Guy very frustrating. He continues to call out to attract my attention when I pass his office, he is still smiley whenever I see him, and he is still asking me questions and remembering everything I say. He replies to my texts quickly, he is texting me fairly regularly in the evenings, often using the flimsiest of pretexts, and is teasing me a fair bit.
There have been some little incidents. I was a little freaked out (but pleased) a couple of weeks ago when I was in his office helping him with a piece of work. As we waited for a programme to load on his PC, he suddenly asked if I had smelt his new cologne. I said no, and it was obvious that he was inviting/asking me to smell him. So I leaned towards his neck and smelled him, and told him it smelt good.
Last week we were talking about some annoying things that have been going on work and he said something like we should go out and drink wine. Stupidly instead of saying yes we should in the hope of prompting him to invite me for a drink, nervous, shy me laughed it off and just made a comment about maybe gin was needed instead. I did text him that evening to say I thought we should definitely go and drink wine sometime, and he replied saying we definitely need wine soon. Not exactly the invite for a date I was hoping for.....
Then there was this week. I needed to work from a different desk for a couple of days so asked if I could use the other desk in his office. He, not surprisingly, said yes. On the first day it turned out I didn't need to use the desk after all, and he emailed asking if I was coming round. That evening he asked by text whether I was working in his office the following day. I did spend the whole of the next day working in his office (and actually got a lot of work done away from my phone and from people disturbing me) and we had some brief chats during the day. When I got home from work I found some bravery/confidence from somewhere and texted to thank him for the loan of his spare desk and to tell him that I enjoyed his company and that he smells nicer than my usual office colleague. He seemed flattered and said he enjoyed my company too and was glad he smelt nice :)
He's away from for a few days after today, so I attempted a little flirting face to face, rather than by text, and asked him in a teasing way what I was going to do without him while he's away. He laughed and made a comment about him being my main man.
Soooo, he is finding reasons to contact me and spend time with me (at least at work), he's laughing and smiling and teasing, he's complimenting me (about my work skills/knowledge as well as my company), he has mentioned going out for a drink. It feels as if he is interested, but he hasn't asked me out and I am still not sure whether he really is interested. I am so frustrated. Half of me just wants to ask him out myself so I'll know one way or the other, the other half thinks I should allow him to go at his own pace and if he is interested he will ask me out in his own time.
There have been some little incidents. I was a little freaked out (but pleased) a couple of weeks ago when I was in his office helping him with a piece of work. As we waited for a programme to load on his PC, he suddenly asked if I had smelt his new cologne. I said no, and it was obvious that he was inviting/asking me to smell him. So I leaned towards his neck and smelled him, and told him it smelt good.
Last week we were talking about some annoying things that have been going on work and he said something like we should go out and drink wine. Stupidly instead of saying yes we should in the hope of prompting him to invite me for a drink, nervous, shy me laughed it off and just made a comment about maybe gin was needed instead. I did text him that evening to say I thought we should definitely go and drink wine sometime, and he replied saying we definitely need wine soon. Not exactly the invite for a date I was hoping for.....
Then there was this week. I needed to work from a different desk for a couple of days so asked if I could use the other desk in his office. He, not surprisingly, said yes. On the first day it turned out I didn't need to use the desk after all, and he emailed asking if I was coming round. That evening he asked by text whether I was working in his office the following day. I did spend the whole of the next day working in his office (and actually got a lot of work done away from my phone and from people disturbing me) and we had some brief chats during the day. When I got home from work I found some bravery/confidence from somewhere and texted to thank him for the loan of his spare desk and to tell him that I enjoyed his company and that he smells nicer than my usual office colleague. He seemed flattered and said he enjoyed my company too and was glad he smelt nice :)
He's away from for a few days after today, so I attempted a little flirting face to face, rather than by text, and asked him in a teasing way what I was going to do without him while he's away. He laughed and made a comment about him being my main man.
Soooo, he is finding reasons to contact me and spend time with me (at least at work), he's laughing and smiling and teasing, he's complimenting me (about my work skills/knowledge as well as my company), he has mentioned going out for a drink. It feels as if he is interested, but he hasn't asked me out and I am still not sure whether he really is interested. I am so frustrated. Half of me just wants to ask him out myself so I'll know one way or the other, the other half thinks I should allow him to go at his own pace and if he is interested he will ask me out in his own time.
Saturday, 22 October 2016
Is he, or isn't he?
Sooo, it's been a while. First things first, over two years since my last post I am still a virgin and have still never had a boyfriend. I do own my own home, the apartment I was trying to buy last time I blogged. Well, technically the bank currently owns most of it, but I live here by myself with all my own furniture and all my own belongings, and I don't have any random housemates hogging the kitchen or bathroom, or wanting to talk in the evening when I just want to relax and be an introvert :) I sometimes have a mild panic about owning my own home and that if anything goes wrong or breaks I have to fix it myself, or pay to get it fixed, but that's the only downside I have found so far.
I've had a mainly fun couple of years - I've spent time with friends, been to concerts, gone on holidays solo, with friends and with family. My 40th birthday came and went without any particular stress about being "old". I still get emails from eHarmony telling me about matches, but I haven't opened any for ages, they go straight to trash. I haven't felt like trying online dating again. For the most part, I think I have come to some sort of acceptance that I am highly likely to be single for the rest of my life.
And then, over the past few weeks something has been happening which has got me a little confused, a little excited, a little frustrated and a little nervous. There's a guy at work. Let's call him Shy Guy, because he is a little shy. He's a really nice, friendly, gentlemanly guy, and is quite attractive. I've known him since I started in this job, but until recently had only thought of him as a colleague as he has had a girlfriend for much of the time I've known him, plus he is a bit younger than me.
Earlier this year he got a new job at the same grade as me and since then has occasionally asked me for help/advice/tips, so we've spent a bit more time with each other at work than we used to, and I started to feel quite comfortable and at ease around him and able to be myself.
A few weeks ago a few of us who are on the same grade had a bad week at work, so I suggested I organise a night out for us, dinner and a few drinks. Since I made that suggestion, it feels as if something might possibly be developing between us, and I think (but may be completely misinterpreting things) that he is showing signs of being interested in me.
Not long after I suggested a night out, he texted me one evening after he'd left work late to say we definitely needed to arrange it. I suggested a date and venue and invited people, and three of us agreed to go. In the couple of weeks before the dinner, he asked me several times if I was still able to go, and twice when the third person wasn't sure if he could make the day or time, Shy Guy said just the two of us should go (at the time I thought he said it jokingly, now I'm not too sure).
In the end Shy Guy and had went for a couple of drinks on our own, and were then joined for dinner by the other guy. I felt fairly comfortable having drinks with him, and only a little nervous as it was officially just drinks with a work friend, rather than a date. We're both quite shy but we kept the conversation going and there weren't too many awkward silences, and I started to feel as if I would quite like to be more than friends with him. Later that evening, after I got home he texted to thank me for organising, saying he enjoyed the meal and the company. I thought he was just being polite....
The following week, after I'd had a stressful day at work he texted me completely out of the blue to say I looked like I could have done with a coffee, and that we could go grab one sometime if I liked. I replied that would be great. So, we had coffee one lunchtime later that week. We talked about a mix of work and non-work things. There were some silences, but at the same time the hour didn't drag and I didn't at any point wish the time was over.
Since then we've had coffee a couple more times, once initiated by him, and once by me when I desperately wanted to text him one evening last week but didn't want to text something random with no reason and come across as needy, or trying to get a reply, Instead I just sent "fancy coffee tomorrow?" His yes came back within a minute, followed quickly by a how was your day.
We've had a few other text chats, some started by me, some by him. Nothing particularly flirty, more just getting to know each other.
The last time we went for coffee he stood very close to me as we queued, and was right in my personal space. Ordinarily with someone else I think I would have moved away, but it didn't feel uncomfortable being that close so I stayed where I was.
He's asking me a lot of questions, and is remembering everything I say to him, even the most mundane things (such as I mentioned before we left work that I was probably having eggs for dinner that evening, he asked me the next day if I'd had the eggs)
If by around mid morning at work we haven't seen each other, when I pass his office he calls out "Morning Katya" or "Hello Katya", and is very smiley when I put my head round the door to say hi, or go into the office to chat for a couple of minutes.
There are quite a lot of smiles and laughs from him when we're talking.
I am rubbish at reading body language so I'm not going to attempt to interpret his.
The result of all of this is I am spending a fair bit of time wondering whether or not he is interested in me, some time getting frustrated that he hasn't asked me on an official date, some time being nervous about what happens if he does ask me on a date, some time wondering if dating a work colleague is a good idea, and some time being excited about what might happen.
I've had a mainly fun couple of years - I've spent time with friends, been to concerts, gone on holidays solo, with friends and with family. My 40th birthday came and went without any particular stress about being "old". I still get emails from eHarmony telling me about matches, but I haven't opened any for ages, they go straight to trash. I haven't felt like trying online dating again. For the most part, I think I have come to some sort of acceptance that I am highly likely to be single for the rest of my life.
And then, over the past few weeks something has been happening which has got me a little confused, a little excited, a little frustrated and a little nervous. There's a guy at work. Let's call him Shy Guy, because he is a little shy. He's a really nice, friendly, gentlemanly guy, and is quite attractive. I've known him since I started in this job, but until recently had only thought of him as a colleague as he has had a girlfriend for much of the time I've known him, plus he is a bit younger than me.
Earlier this year he got a new job at the same grade as me and since then has occasionally asked me for help/advice/tips, so we've spent a bit more time with each other at work than we used to, and I started to feel quite comfortable and at ease around him and able to be myself.
A few weeks ago a few of us who are on the same grade had a bad week at work, so I suggested I organise a night out for us, dinner and a few drinks. Since I made that suggestion, it feels as if something might possibly be developing between us, and I think (but may be completely misinterpreting things) that he is showing signs of being interested in me.
Not long after I suggested a night out, he texted me one evening after he'd left work late to say we definitely needed to arrange it. I suggested a date and venue and invited people, and three of us agreed to go. In the couple of weeks before the dinner, he asked me several times if I was still able to go, and twice when the third person wasn't sure if he could make the day or time, Shy Guy said just the two of us should go (at the time I thought he said it jokingly, now I'm not too sure).
In the end Shy Guy and had went for a couple of drinks on our own, and were then joined for dinner by the other guy. I felt fairly comfortable having drinks with him, and only a little nervous as it was officially just drinks with a work friend, rather than a date. We're both quite shy but we kept the conversation going and there weren't too many awkward silences, and I started to feel as if I would quite like to be more than friends with him. Later that evening, after I got home he texted to thank me for organising, saying he enjoyed the meal and the company. I thought he was just being polite....
The following week, after I'd had a stressful day at work he texted me completely out of the blue to say I looked like I could have done with a coffee, and that we could go grab one sometime if I liked. I replied that would be great. So, we had coffee one lunchtime later that week. We talked about a mix of work and non-work things. There were some silences, but at the same time the hour didn't drag and I didn't at any point wish the time was over.
Since then we've had coffee a couple more times, once initiated by him, and once by me when I desperately wanted to text him one evening last week but didn't want to text something random with no reason and come across as needy, or trying to get a reply, Instead I just sent "fancy coffee tomorrow?" His yes came back within a minute, followed quickly by a how was your day.
We've had a few other text chats, some started by me, some by him. Nothing particularly flirty, more just getting to know each other.
The last time we went for coffee he stood very close to me as we queued, and was right in my personal space. Ordinarily with someone else I think I would have moved away, but it didn't feel uncomfortable being that close so I stayed where I was.
He's asking me a lot of questions, and is remembering everything I say to him, even the most mundane things (such as I mentioned before we left work that I was probably having eggs for dinner that evening, he asked me the next day if I'd had the eggs)
If by around mid morning at work we haven't seen each other, when I pass his office he calls out "Morning Katya" or "Hello Katya", and is very smiley when I put my head round the door to say hi, or go into the office to chat for a couple of minutes.
There are quite a lot of smiles and laughs from him when we're talking.
I am rubbish at reading body language so I'm not going to attempt to interpret his.
The result of all of this is I am spending a fair bit of time wondering whether or not he is interested in me, some time getting frustrated that he hasn't asked me on an official date, some time being nervous about what happens if he does ask me on a date, some time wondering if dating a work colleague is a good idea, and some time being excited about what might happen.
Saturday, 11 January 2014
New year, new home
Well, not quite, as my purchase isn't quite finished yet, but hopefully, fingers crossed and if all goes well, I will in the next month or two be moving into my very own flat. I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to it.
I have mostly been ok with living in shared houses, but in recent months I have found that more and more aspects of it are annoying me. I don't like that I have to use the bathroom according to a timetable on weekday mornings, I don't like going into the kitchen and finding I have to wash up the baking tray/saucepan/whatever before I can use it, I don't like that I can't always watch my choice of TV in the lounge, I don't feel comfortable when one of my housemates complains to me about the others.
I'm not sure why I started to feel this way (I do wonder if it is to do with getting older, as I am 40 later this year), but I know that I have reached the point where I cannot live with housemates any longer, I really need my own space. I cannot wait to have an entire flat which is all mine, a kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and lounge which are to be shared with nobody.
So, a need for space of my own was one reason by buying a flat, the other was thinking about my housing situation after I retire from work. I live in a shared house as its cheaper than renting a whole flat by myself, but at retirement aged 67, I am not sure that houseshares, generally made up of people in their 20s and 30s, would want me to join them. That would leave renting a flat for myself, but that would take a big chunk of my pension and I could foresee myself not having any spare cash to actually enjoy my retirement with. So the decision was made to look for a flat to buy, a home which I will own outright by the time I retire.
It isn't how I thought I would end up buying a home. In my younger days I thought I would one day have a husband and that we would buy a house together, or that he would already have a house that I could move into. I never envisaged having to save up the deposit by myself and having to get a mortgage based on only my income, but that's how it has worked out, and I am excited for this next part of my life to begin.
I haven't thought too much about my virginity or lack of boyfriend lately. A few months ago e-harmony started emailing me the names of matches and inviting me to rejoin, but I have been pretty busy and I just haven't felt motivated enough to login, join and check my matches. Perhaps I have become so used to the idea of being single forever that I don't feel any kind of push to change things anymore? I do sometimes feel sadness at being single, and in the oddest of situations. Just before Christmas I was in an informal meeting at work with a few of my team, and suddenly was overwhelmed by thinking "I really need someone to sit next to me and put their arm around me", and I felt so sad that I don't have anyone who would do that.
In other news, I feel so much less stressed since I ended my friendship with T. I have occasionally missed her (the fun side of her) since last March. I went to a concert alone which we were due to go to together and I did briefly think of her, and of what we might have chatted about and the excitement we would have shared had she been there. But at other times, I have felt only relief that she is no longer in my life. I can open my email without dreading that she has sent a hugely long message which requires me to reply as if I were a counsellor. I don't spend time wondering when she is next going to get angry with me and stop talking to me. I can mention to any friend of mine that I have plans with another friend without worrying that they will react with extreme jealousy. And the rest of the time, she is just someone I have fond memories of who is no longer part of my life.
I have mostly been ok with living in shared houses, but in recent months I have found that more and more aspects of it are annoying me. I don't like that I have to use the bathroom according to a timetable on weekday mornings, I don't like going into the kitchen and finding I have to wash up the baking tray/saucepan/whatever before I can use it, I don't like that I can't always watch my choice of TV in the lounge, I don't feel comfortable when one of my housemates complains to me about the others.
I'm not sure why I started to feel this way (I do wonder if it is to do with getting older, as I am 40 later this year), but I know that I have reached the point where I cannot live with housemates any longer, I really need my own space. I cannot wait to have an entire flat which is all mine, a kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and lounge which are to be shared with nobody.
So, a need for space of my own was one reason by buying a flat, the other was thinking about my housing situation after I retire from work. I live in a shared house as its cheaper than renting a whole flat by myself, but at retirement aged 67, I am not sure that houseshares, generally made up of people in their 20s and 30s, would want me to join them. That would leave renting a flat for myself, but that would take a big chunk of my pension and I could foresee myself not having any spare cash to actually enjoy my retirement with. So the decision was made to look for a flat to buy, a home which I will own outright by the time I retire.
It isn't how I thought I would end up buying a home. In my younger days I thought I would one day have a husband and that we would buy a house together, or that he would already have a house that I could move into. I never envisaged having to save up the deposit by myself and having to get a mortgage based on only my income, but that's how it has worked out, and I am excited for this next part of my life to begin.
I haven't thought too much about my virginity or lack of boyfriend lately. A few months ago e-harmony started emailing me the names of matches and inviting me to rejoin, but I have been pretty busy and I just haven't felt motivated enough to login, join and check my matches. Perhaps I have become so used to the idea of being single forever that I don't feel any kind of push to change things anymore? I do sometimes feel sadness at being single, and in the oddest of situations. Just before Christmas I was in an informal meeting at work with a few of my team, and suddenly was overwhelmed by thinking "I really need someone to sit next to me and put their arm around me", and I felt so sad that I don't have anyone who would do that.
In other news, I feel so much less stressed since I ended my friendship with T. I have occasionally missed her (the fun side of her) since last March. I went to a concert alone which we were due to go to together and I did briefly think of her, and of what we might have chatted about and the excitement we would have shared had she been there. But at other times, I have felt only relief that she is no longer in my life. I can open my email without dreading that she has sent a hugely long message which requires me to reply as if I were a counsellor. I don't spend time wondering when she is next going to get angry with me and stop talking to me. I can mention to any friend of mine that I have plans with another friend without worrying that they will react with extreme jealousy. And the rest of the time, she is just someone I have fond memories of who is no longer part of my life.
Thursday, 6 June 2013
End of a Friendship
It's over. My friendship with T is over.
As it turned out, I couldn't wait until after our holiday to end it. Following our exchange of texts after she had declared that she needed to be inconsiderate, I retreated from her a little. I was hurt by the things she had texted me, and wasn't in the right frame of mind to converse with her about day to day life in the way we usually would. My plan, such as it was, was to be in contact to sort out practical things about the holiday, but to not get drawn into discussions about things like who hurt who. I would then go on holiday with her, we would presumably both act as if nothing was wrong, in the same way we had on the Saturday we spent together, and after the holiday, I would tell her I couldn't continue the friendship.
Then she sent a text saying she wanted to sort things out between us, but that we could only do so if I acknowledged that I had been inconsiderate and thoughtless. And what were some of these inconsiderate and thoughtless things I had done? Telling her that I could only afford to go to one concert on a particular singer's tour, when she wanted to go to more. Not thanking her for a sympathy card she sent me when my grandma died earlier this year. She also accused me of failing to let her know that I was on my way to meet her for a concert after I had spent the weekend at a friend's wedding. She said she shouldn't have had to sit around waiting to hear from me, and shouldn't have had to text me in the afternoon to find out where I was. She didn't actually have to do either. I checked my phone and I still had the text I sent her in the morning telling her I was on my way.
I had a text saying she hoped we could find a way to meet in the middle. She said she knew she'd handled the situation badly, was sorry for that and wanted to sort things out. Then she said she was happy to apologise but that I had to too.
It became clear that only having contact about practical holiday plans wasn't going to be possible. It would have felt very wrong and dishonest to me to reply to her texts about fixing the friendship with texts about what restaurants we should eat in. And even if I had tried to do that she would surely have continued to text about trying to resolve things. I don't know quite how that would have ended up.
She wanted to fix things. I didn't. She was demanding apologies. I couldn't start apologising for all sorts of things that I didn't feel were wrong, just to appease her, and to make things ok for the holiday. The situation was tearing me apart. I realised I couldn't go on holiday with her and pretend nothing was wrong, while knowing that on our return I would be ending the friendship.
So I composed the hardest email I have ever written. I told her I could no longer cope with her repeatedly telling me I am a bad friend. I told her that I couldn't handle her getting angry with me over something trivial and ignoring me for weeks instead of just talking to me. I told her that I wasn't strong enough to keep trying to act as her therapist. I told her that I couldn't keep saying the same things to her over and over again and see them have no effect whatsoever. I told her that I needed to have other friends and couldn't cope with her seemingly having a problem with that. And then I pressed send.
Her reply was lengthy. She told me about other issues she has with me. She tried to give reasons for some of her behaviour. She mentioned her depression. She asked me to meet her halfway. She asked to talk. She didn't apologise for all the times she has ignored me for weeks. She didn't apologise for losing her temper with me over and over again. And perhaps most significantly she didn't say that she planned to get professional help for her depression and self esteem issues. That confirmed by decision. If she wasn't going to make a serious effort to resolve her issues I just couldn't remain friends with her. I had to protect my own sanity.
I miss the fun times. I miss texts and emails about everyday life. I don't miss everything else.
As it turned out, I couldn't wait until after our holiday to end it. Following our exchange of texts after she had declared that she needed to be inconsiderate, I retreated from her a little. I was hurt by the things she had texted me, and wasn't in the right frame of mind to converse with her about day to day life in the way we usually would. My plan, such as it was, was to be in contact to sort out practical things about the holiday, but to not get drawn into discussions about things like who hurt who. I would then go on holiday with her, we would presumably both act as if nothing was wrong, in the same way we had on the Saturday we spent together, and after the holiday, I would tell her I couldn't continue the friendship.
Then she sent a text saying she wanted to sort things out between us, but that we could only do so if I acknowledged that I had been inconsiderate and thoughtless. And what were some of these inconsiderate and thoughtless things I had done? Telling her that I could only afford to go to one concert on a particular singer's tour, when she wanted to go to more. Not thanking her for a sympathy card she sent me when my grandma died earlier this year. She also accused me of failing to let her know that I was on my way to meet her for a concert after I had spent the weekend at a friend's wedding. She said she shouldn't have had to sit around waiting to hear from me, and shouldn't have had to text me in the afternoon to find out where I was. She didn't actually have to do either. I checked my phone and I still had the text I sent her in the morning telling her I was on my way.
I had a text saying she hoped we could find a way to meet in the middle. She said she knew she'd handled the situation badly, was sorry for that and wanted to sort things out. Then she said she was happy to apologise but that I had to too.
It became clear that only having contact about practical holiday plans wasn't going to be possible. It would have felt very wrong and dishonest to me to reply to her texts about fixing the friendship with texts about what restaurants we should eat in. And even if I had tried to do that she would surely have continued to text about trying to resolve things. I don't know quite how that would have ended up.
She wanted to fix things. I didn't. She was demanding apologies. I couldn't start apologising for all sorts of things that I didn't feel were wrong, just to appease her, and to make things ok for the holiday. The situation was tearing me apart. I realised I couldn't go on holiday with her and pretend nothing was wrong, while knowing that on our return I would be ending the friendship.
So I composed the hardest email I have ever written. I told her I could no longer cope with her repeatedly telling me I am a bad friend. I told her that I couldn't handle her getting angry with me over something trivial and ignoring me for weeks instead of just talking to me. I told her that I wasn't strong enough to keep trying to act as her therapist. I told her that I couldn't keep saying the same things to her over and over again and see them have no effect whatsoever. I told her that I needed to have other friends and couldn't cope with her seemingly having a problem with that. And then I pressed send.
Her reply was lengthy. She told me about other issues she has with me. She tried to give reasons for some of her behaviour. She mentioned her depression. She asked me to meet her halfway. She asked to talk. She didn't apologise for all the times she has ignored me for weeks. She didn't apologise for losing her temper with me over and over again. And perhaps most significantly she didn't say that she planned to get professional help for her depression and self esteem issues. That confirmed by decision. If she wasn't going to make a serious effort to resolve her issues I just couldn't remain friends with her. I had to protect my own sanity.
I miss the fun times. I miss texts and emails about everyday life. I don't miss everything else.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)