I got my first proper eharmony response last night but it's left me a bit puzzled. One guy has answered my questions.
Four of the answers made us seem quite similar (he likes time "for his own personal reflection", he is usually early), the fifth less so as it said he doesn't like travel and prefers to stay close to home. And here's me, just booked my second trip to another continent this year. I'm someone who wants to see as much of the world as my budget will allow.
I decided not to reject him just on the basis of one question and went ahead and answered his. One of them asked about a dream holiday destination, and there was the option of writing in your own answer if none of the pre-set ones fitted. I used the opportunity to put in an answer which made clear my love for travel, figuring that if he hated to idea of dating someone who likes to see the world, he could back out. He didn't. He posted his list of must haves and can't stands.
And that is what has got me puzzled. Most of them were pretty normal, such as I can't stand someone who doesn't keep clean and I must have someone who is enjoys the humorous side of life. One however I didn't really understand. It was "I must have someone who is reserved and traditional in their sexual needs". What on earth does that mean??? How can you be traditional in your sexual needs? Does it mean you always let the man initiate sex? Does it mean you don't want sex very often? Does it mean you're not very sexually adventurous? I have no idea. Plus, surely everyone has their own idea of what being reserved in their sexual needs entails.
I should point out that the wording is eharmony's not his, but as he has picked it he must know what he means by reserved and traditional.
Even if I did understand the statement I'm not sure if I know whether I am reserved or not. I have no experience with a partner, and I don't tend to discuss sex with my friends, so can't really compare what I think my needs are with their actual needs to decide whether I am reserved.
The next step is to send off my must haves and can't stands which I haven't done yet. I'm too busy puzzling over this. Part of me is tempted to carry on communicating until we get to open commununication so that I can ask him about it. Is it just me puzzled by this? Does anyone else understand?
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Sunday, 12 July 2009
A response!
Well only a minor one, but a response nonetheless. One of the guys I requested a photo from has posted one. He must have seen my profile and photos and he hasn't ignored my request, he hasn't closed the match, instead he has posted his photo, which seems positive. I have now sent him my questions so we'll see what happens.
Some more of the guys I'd sent questions to have closed the match, but I've sent off questions to a few more. I currently have 12 I am "communicating" with, which in reality means I have sent them questions and I am waiting for their responses. A little disappointing that not a single one has responded, but as recommended by the website I will give it a couple of weeks before I become totally disillusioned with the whole thing.
In other news I have another holiday booked. I had a lovely day with T yesterday, much of it spent on the Internet researching flights and hotels. We found a good deal and are off to Chicago later in the year. As we were talking yesterday, I did wonder what she might think of me signing up for online dating. We spoke about it briefly once, when a mutual friend was trying to persuade me to sign up, and she said she would NEVER be desperate enough to try it. I hope she would understand that to me it's just another way to meet men, as I have failed to meet anyone I connect with in my day to day life.
Some more of the guys I'd sent questions to have closed the match, but I've sent off questions to a few more. I currently have 12 I am "communicating" with, which in reality means I have sent them questions and I am waiting for their responses. A little disappointing that not a single one has responded, but as recommended by the website I will give it a couple of weeks before I become totally disillusioned with the whole thing.
In other news I have another holiday booked. I had a lovely day with T yesterday, much of it spent on the Internet researching flights and hotels. We found a good deal and are off to Chicago later in the year. As we were talking yesterday, I did wonder what she might think of me signing up for online dating. We spoke about it briefly once, when a mutual friend was trying to persuade me to sign up, and she said she would NEVER be desperate enough to try it. I hope she would understand that to me it's just another way to meet men, as I have failed to meet anyone I connect with in my day to day life.
Friday, 10 July 2009
One way traffic so far
Well there isn't really much to update on eharmony. I sent off my questions to guy number one, then looked through the rest of my matches and sent them to four more. I got home tonight and had yet more matches, so sent off questions to four of them. I'm not really sure how many is a sensible number to contact, but based on advice from Ecrivain, I've contacted all those who interested me. I also requested a picture from a couple of guys who sounded interesting.
Last time I logged on a grand total of zero men had answered my questions, which doesn't worry me yet as the first ones I contacted have only had a day or two. I've just checked now and two of them have "closed the match", which is disappointing but not the end of the world.
What is annoying is that one of them used the option of "other" for the reason. Especially so since all the guys who have closed the match without any contact from me have also said "other". Really??? None of the other options was applicable? I've closed a few matches myself and have not used other once. My main one has been that after reading the profile I'm not interested in the match. I also used age gap once. Is it me or is other a cop-out? If it's the way I look couldn't they at least say they'd rather not say?
Of all the many people I've been matched with so far none has opened communication with me, though some have viewed my profile. Maybe they haven't paid the subscription, or maybe they haven't logged on recently, who knows.
Some of the guys didn't appear to have made any effort whatsoever with their introductory information, putting in random strings of letters for several answers. Needless to say, I closed those straight away. Others had bad grammar and spelling which I find exceedingly irritating, but as long as it wasn't horrendous I have ignored it so far. A few had given answers which didn't make sense, were pretentious, or were just plain bizarre. I guess I am coming across a much wider range of and many more men that I do in day to day life. It really is eye opening.
On a completely different note, my friend T is coming to visit tomorrow, so I should have a fun day.
Last time I logged on a grand total of zero men had answered my questions, which doesn't worry me yet as the first ones I contacted have only had a day or two. I've just checked now and two of them have "closed the match", which is disappointing but not the end of the world.
What is annoying is that one of them used the option of "other" for the reason. Especially so since all the guys who have closed the match without any contact from me have also said "other". Really??? None of the other options was applicable? I've closed a few matches myself and have not used other once. My main one has been that after reading the profile I'm not interested in the match. I also used age gap once. Is it me or is other a cop-out? If it's the way I look couldn't they at least say they'd rather not say?
Of all the many people I've been matched with so far none has opened communication with me, though some have viewed my profile. Maybe they haven't paid the subscription, or maybe they haven't logged on recently, who knows.
Some of the guys didn't appear to have made any effort whatsoever with their introductory information, putting in random strings of letters for several answers. Needless to say, I closed those straight away. Others had bad grammar and spelling which I find exceedingly irritating, but as long as it wasn't horrendous I have ignored it so far. A few had given answers which didn't make sense, were pretentious, or were just plain bizarre. I guess I am coming across a much wider range of and many more men that I do in day to day life. It really is eye opening.
On a completely different note, my friend T is coming to visit tomorrow, so I should have a fun day.
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
Technology, how wonderful...
Quick update - I just decided on the first guy to communicate with, reached a page of 57 questions from which I must choose 5 to be sent to him, and I am unable to view the lists of answers he will get to choose from! Well actually, most lists didn't pop up at all at first, then I saw two or three lists, then I tried to view again the ones that had worked and they didn't work! Javascript seems not to be working properly on the website(I think I've checked all the settings my end that might cause it)....Please excuse the rant, but having decided to try this I really don't need the technology to put up barriers. I emailed the site so hopefully it will get fixed, but who knows when.
So I am taking the plunge
After a lot of procrastination I finally got round to completing my e-harmony questionnaire last night. I thought there was just one question to go but there were several and when I finished I only had time to have a brief look at my first 7 matches. I also hadn't paid to join so couldn't see any photos. My initial impression was that most of the matches seemed like nice guys.
I have this evening just paid for a 6 month subscription and can now see the photos of yesterday's matches and some more added today. Seeing the photos has been an interesting experience, and has got me to thinking about whether I am shallow and overly concerned with looks. A small number of the guys I looked at and thought, mmm not bad looking, not quite Brad Pitt, but not bad. The rest I really wasn't sure about. A couple I looked at and thought, no way, I don't think I would ever be able to find him attractive . One had long, greasy looking hair, seemed to be fairly overweight and generally, to me at least, looked like the stereotype of someone who spends all hours of the day and night computer gaming (a horrendous pre-judgement I know). One of his aims was to become a professional poker player which kind of put me off too.
My feelings about the rest were that they were "normal", "ordinary" looking, that I wasn't repulsed and that maybe attraction could grow. One common link between a number of them was that they looked so old! And really, they're not. They're aged from about 35 to 40. I think my problem here is that I forget that I am actually 35 (had a birthday last month) and therefore not terribly young myself. I may feel no different to when I was 18, but I do look different. I probably need to accept that I'm not going to end up with a gorgeous, young twenty-something. However, comparing the e-harmony guys to men I know who are a similar age, some of the e-harmony ones do look so much older. I'm sure my feelings on this are not helped by the fact that A, my last "crush" (and still my friend), is in his twenties.
I do generally think that compatability is more important that having a high level of attraction. However, I think I would need to at least think that attraction was possible.
So what to do next? I ought to be brave and make contact with some of these guys. I will probably read their profiles again and choose the ones which I am most interested in, then assuming I am not repulsed by their photo, I will contact them. Eharmony does have something called guided communication which may make things easier as you apparently don't just go straight to sending long messages.
Part of me is very nervous about all of this, and actually I do feel a little sick at the thought of what happens next. Might someone contact me? What expectations might they have? If I contact someone might they reject me? And of course that old chestnut, how do I explain my lack of relationship history? I also am not sure of some of my answers to the questionnaire - I had to list must haves and can't haves in a partner but with no experience I just had to guess what would be a must have for me.
Of course, it is entirely possible that I will go back into procrastination mode and not bother to contact anyone, but I will try very hard to avoid that.
I have this evening just paid for a 6 month subscription and can now see the photos of yesterday's matches and some more added today. Seeing the photos has been an interesting experience, and has got me to thinking about whether I am shallow and overly concerned with looks. A small number of the guys I looked at and thought, mmm not bad looking, not quite Brad Pitt, but not bad. The rest I really wasn't sure about. A couple I looked at and thought, no way, I don't think I would ever be able to find him attractive . One had long, greasy looking hair, seemed to be fairly overweight and generally, to me at least, looked like the stereotype of someone who spends all hours of the day and night computer gaming (a horrendous pre-judgement I know). One of his aims was to become a professional poker player which kind of put me off too.
My feelings about the rest were that they were "normal", "ordinary" looking, that I wasn't repulsed and that maybe attraction could grow. One common link between a number of them was that they looked so old! And really, they're not. They're aged from about 35 to 40. I think my problem here is that I forget that I am actually 35 (had a birthday last month) and therefore not terribly young myself. I may feel no different to when I was 18, but I do look different. I probably need to accept that I'm not going to end up with a gorgeous, young twenty-something. However, comparing the e-harmony guys to men I know who are a similar age, some of the e-harmony ones do look so much older. I'm sure my feelings on this are not helped by the fact that A, my last "crush" (and still my friend), is in his twenties.
I do generally think that compatability is more important that having a high level of attraction. However, I think I would need to at least think that attraction was possible.
So what to do next? I ought to be brave and make contact with some of these guys. I will probably read their profiles again and choose the ones which I am most interested in, then assuming I am not repulsed by their photo, I will contact them. Eharmony does have something called guided communication which may make things easier as you apparently don't just go straight to sending long messages.
Part of me is very nervous about all of this, and actually I do feel a little sick at the thought of what happens next. Might someone contact me? What expectations might they have? If I contact someone might they reject me? And of course that old chestnut, how do I explain my lack of relationship history? I also am not sure of some of my answers to the questionnaire - I had to list must haves and can't haves in a partner but with no experience I just had to guess what would be a must have for me.
Of course, it is entirely possible that I will go back into procrastination mode and not bother to contact anyone, but I will try very hard to avoid that.
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
A little perspective
Just time for a very quick post tonight plus I think I am still shocked over today's happenings. I (and my colleagues) found out earlier that someone I've worked with for a few months died earlier this week. It was a complete shock for everyone and some who had known her for several years were understandably extremely upset. It's been a hard day at work; some of my colleagues went home, those of us who were left mainly sat and stared at our monitors unable to concentrate on anything.
There is more story behind this, and her death, though shocking, may not have been totally unexpected. However I am not sure quite how much detail to go into, as at the moment it feels as if it ought to be kept private and not be broadcast to the world (maybe I'm thinking that out of respect for her family, though they are unlikely to ever read this).
What I will say is that although I didn't know her well, I know she had a good heart. And today puts whatever problems I may have into perspective. RIP.
There is more story behind this, and her death, though shocking, may not have been totally unexpected. However I am not sure quite how much detail to go into, as at the moment it feels as if it ought to be kept private and not be broadcast to the world (maybe I'm thinking that out of respect for her family, though they are unlikely to ever read this).
What I will say is that although I didn't know her well, I know she had a good heart. And today puts whatever problems I may have into perspective. RIP.
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
I have and I haven't...
Okay, so I haven't posted for what seems like forever and I don't even have a proper excuse. I haven't been at work till late every day, I haven't been out socialising till midnight every evening, I haven't been on a month long holiday, I've just been plain lazy. I'm still enjoying the novelty of housemates to chat to, of having a communal area to lounge around in and I just haven't been able to summon up the will to blog. I have written various posts in my head over the past couple of months, I just haven't got round to putting them onto paper (or rather laptop hard drive).
Here's a few more haves and haven'ts from the last couple of months:
- I haven't found a boyfriend
- I haven't lost my virginity
- I have started to sign up to e-harmony
- I haven't finished signing up to e-harmony as I got stuck at the part where I was asked for what goals I have/had had in my life. My answer would be available to any of my matches and the length was unlimited. I was a little daunted by this, decided to go back to it later and so far haven't done. I had no idea what sort of goals I should be writing about. I don't see myself as a particularly goal driven person. I would like to be happy. I'd like to be healthy. I want my friends and family to be happy and healthy. I want to have friends I can trust and rely on. I want to do a job which gives me satisfaction and where I feel I make a difference. I want to earn enough to be able live without debt and to be able to take a holiday of two a year. I'd like to see more of the world and experience different cultures and countries. And yes, I'd like to have relationship. Is this enough? Should I have a goal of climbing a mountain, or something else exciting?
- I have been swimming a few times
- I haven't been swimming as much as I want to (again laziness) and need to
- I haven't signed up for any evening classes
- I have sometimes felt quite content
- I haven't felt too stressed in the new job
- I have been on holiday to New York (for the second time)with my friend T
- I have loved being in New York
- I have enjoyed spending time with T, and with Sociable Guy, and E and A who've all been to visit me
- I have been reading blogs even though I haven't been writing, or commenting much
- I have been annoyed with myself for not trying online dating and for not signing up for an evening class
- I haven't socialised with any new people in my new city. I could arrange to go out with my female housemate who is very friendly and easy to get on with, but I think she has very different preferences to me on a night out. She goes clubbing and goes out planning to drink and get drunk. I prefer to go to the pub or out for dinner. I do drink and I do sometimes get drunk but getting drunk is never the main aim. I don't think her male friends would be my type anyway
- I have just finished a work related training course which was useful and fun. I met some interesting women from my company who I may meet up with in future
- I haven't felt particularly sad or upset or distressed about being single
- I have wondered whether this lack of sadness is because I have become numb to my feelings and have just given up because the possiblity of ever meeting anyone seems so remote
- I have looked at many women with their husbands/boyfriends and thought the classic "if she can find someone why on earth can't I?". I don't think I will ever stop doing that
Here's a few more haves and haven'ts from the last couple of months:
- I haven't found a boyfriend
- I haven't lost my virginity
- I have started to sign up to e-harmony
- I haven't finished signing up to e-harmony as I got stuck at the part where I was asked for what goals I have/had had in my life. My answer would be available to any of my matches and the length was unlimited. I was a little daunted by this, decided to go back to it later and so far haven't done. I had no idea what sort of goals I should be writing about. I don't see myself as a particularly goal driven person. I would like to be happy. I'd like to be healthy. I want my friends and family to be happy and healthy. I want to have friends I can trust and rely on. I want to do a job which gives me satisfaction and where I feel I make a difference. I want to earn enough to be able live without debt and to be able to take a holiday of two a year. I'd like to see more of the world and experience different cultures and countries. And yes, I'd like to have relationship. Is this enough? Should I have a goal of climbing a mountain, or something else exciting?
- I have been swimming a few times
- I haven't been swimming as much as I want to (again laziness) and need to
- I haven't signed up for any evening classes
- I have sometimes felt quite content
- I haven't felt too stressed in the new job
- I have been on holiday to New York (for the second time)with my friend T
- I have loved being in New York
- I have enjoyed spending time with T, and with Sociable Guy, and E and A who've all been to visit me
- I have been reading blogs even though I haven't been writing, or commenting much
- I have been annoyed with myself for not trying online dating and for not signing up for an evening class
- I haven't socialised with any new people in my new city. I could arrange to go out with my female housemate who is very friendly and easy to get on with, but I think she has very different preferences to me on a night out. She goes clubbing and goes out planning to drink and get drunk. I prefer to go to the pub or out for dinner. I do drink and I do sometimes get drunk but getting drunk is never the main aim. I don't think her male friends would be my type anyway
- I have just finished a work related training course which was useful and fun. I met some interesting women from my company who I may meet up with in future
- I haven't felt particularly sad or upset or distressed about being single
- I have wondered whether this lack of sadness is because I have become numb to my feelings and have just given up because the possiblity of ever meeting anyone seems so remote
- I have looked at many women with their husbands/boyfriends and thought the classic "if she can find someone why on earth can't I?". I don't think I will ever stop doing that
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