Say I have plans to go to a friend's hen/bachelorette party at the weekend. And say those plans fall through because my friend has been having trouble organising the party. I am then free that weekend and have no plans.
Say another friend then suggests going out with her somewhere. And say I tell her I'm free the weekend of the non-hen party. Does the fact that I originally had other plans for that weekend make this friend second best? If I am free and able to meet her does it matter why I am free that weekend?
If I have plans which fall through I am supposed to never make any other plans for that day/evening/weekend in case the person I do them with might think they are second best?
T finally decided to get counselling. I was so proud of her for taking that step and so pleased that she might finally start feeling better about herself and gain some self esteem. From what she told me it all seemed to be going ok. It sounded tough and emotional, but as if she was working through issue. But then when I asked about it a few weeks ago she told me she'd stopped going as she thought the counsellor was just being nosey. She ignored my enquiry about whether she would be able to see a different counsellor. She's been mainly ok in recent months. I'm not sure she's going to continue that way.
Tuesday, 28 August 2012
Friday, 16 March 2012
Questions
I just used some old sheets of printer paper and in the empty packet found an envelope, postmarked 1998, with a number of questions written on it. It was a list of questions about sex which I wanted to ask my best friend, but I never managed to do so. The questions are these:
They seem so basic, so childish, so naive in parts. Although I have sort of found out from magazines like Cosmopolitan and from the internet what the woman is supposed to do, I obviously only know in theory. And the rest of the questions I still don't know the answers to. I am 38 this year. I shouldn't have been asking the sort of questions a 14 year old might ask when I was 24. I certainly shouldn't still be asking them at almost 38.
- When you're going out with someone how do you start sleeping together? Does one of you suggest it?
- What does the woman do in bed?
- What do people mean when they say that someone is "good" or "bad" in bed?
- Is it easy to kiss someone or do you need to know what to do?
- How do you know what to do the first time you sleep with someone? Does it come naturally or do you have to guess? Is the first time embarrassing or frightening?
- When is it normal to sleep with someone? On a first date? After a couple of weeks? Couple of months? Six months? What would a man expect?
- Does it hurt? Does it take a long time to learn how to do it properly?
They seem so basic, so childish, so naive in parts. Although I have sort of found out from magazines like Cosmopolitan and from the internet what the woman is supposed to do, I obviously only know in theory. And the rest of the questions I still don't know the answers to. I am 38 this year. I shouldn't have been asking the sort of questions a 14 year old might ask when I was 24. I certainly shouldn't still be asking them at almost 38.
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
I need to stop this
I have to stop spending an hour or two every evening googling terms like "how to help a depressed friend", "friend has no self esteem", "friend says she has no friends". I have to stop thinking about the things she said in her email. I have to stop composing replies in my head.
I have to find some way of telling her that I am feeling overwhelmed, that there is only so much I can do to help, that I cannot fix everything for her, while also telling her that I still care and still want to help. I have find a way to tell her that she needs to try to help herself and make a life for herself that won't make her feel as if I am yet another friend who doesn't want to know her.
I have to find some way of telling her that I am feeling overwhelmed, that there is only so much I can do to help, that I cannot fix everything for her, while also telling her that I still care and still want to help. I have find a way to tell her that she needs to try to help herself and make a life for herself that won't make her feel as if I am yet another friend who doesn't want to know her.
Sunday, 19 February 2012
Brick Wall
Well, T is "talking" to me, though only by the occasional email and text message, and only to reiterate her feelings on friends, and the end of our friendship.
She is geniunely feeling completely alone and very lonely. She has listed various women she thinks of as friends and who she either hasn't seen for 6 months, a year or longer, or who have only seen her when they needed something from her. She says she has made it clear to them how awful they've made her feel and they don't care. She wishes that they would admit to having contributed to how she is feeling and that they would be honest and tell her that they only think of her as a colleague.
From what she's said about these women I think one of them is generally quite a flakey, unreliable person who has let T down on a few occasions. I do wonder though whether the rest of them even realised that T thought of them as close friends. Perhaps she is being overeager and thinking there is more to the friendship than there actually is. Perhaps they they just didn't feel that same level of friendship, perhaps they need much longer before they think of her as a good friend.
She did actually say something similar about me, that maybe she loves me too much and wants to much from me. She mentioned the last guy she sort of dated, who she thought she was in love with after knowing him for a couple of months. She said she probably didn't actually feel anything for him, and that she was just clinging to him because he appeared to be somene who cared.
She did mention things which I have done or not done which have made her feel bad. I'm not perfect and do make mistakes but these things were a small number of things that were surely outnumbered by things I have done that have hopefully made her feel good.
She says we don't talk. Not about "proper" things anyway. It seems the hours and hours we have spent talking about various problems of hers and some of mine have been a figment of my imagination.
She says she spends every weekend alone. So all the weekends I spent with her last year were also imagined.
She used the fact that I didn't tell her all the details of a longtime family issue of mine as proof that I don't really think of her as a close friend. I very rarely talk to anybody about this particular issue and I am angry she has tried to use it in that way.
She is still blaming herself for all these people treating her badly and abandoning her. She is insisting that I am a terrible person for not changing certain of my plans to include her. She says she would if I was feeling the way she is. I suggested she thinks about getting professional help. She says she doesn't need any. She is still talking as if we will never see each other again.
I spoke a bit to my friend E about all of this. She thinks T is trying to manipulate me, albeit possibly without realising. I do feel as if I am being manipulated. I don't think that me changing my plans on two or three days of the year so that I can spend them with T will help her. She will still feel alone and lonely. She will still feel as if she has nobody. She will still hate herself. She will still not have the confidence needed to make a life for herself that includes other friends as well as me. I cannot single handedly make everything better. I feel overwhelmed by pouring her heart out about her loneliness. And her refusal to seek help makes me feel as if I have hit a brick wall. What more can I do?
She is geniunely feeling completely alone and very lonely. She has listed various women she thinks of as friends and who she either hasn't seen for 6 months, a year or longer, or who have only seen her when they needed something from her. She says she has made it clear to them how awful they've made her feel and they don't care. She wishes that they would admit to having contributed to how she is feeling and that they would be honest and tell her that they only think of her as a colleague.
From what she's said about these women I think one of them is generally quite a flakey, unreliable person who has let T down on a few occasions. I do wonder though whether the rest of them even realised that T thought of them as close friends. Perhaps she is being overeager and thinking there is more to the friendship than there actually is. Perhaps they they just didn't feel that same level of friendship, perhaps they need much longer before they think of her as a good friend.
She did actually say something similar about me, that maybe she loves me too much and wants to much from me. She mentioned the last guy she sort of dated, who she thought she was in love with after knowing him for a couple of months. She said she probably didn't actually feel anything for him, and that she was just clinging to him because he appeared to be somene who cared.
She did mention things which I have done or not done which have made her feel bad. I'm not perfect and do make mistakes but these things were a small number of things that were surely outnumbered by things I have done that have hopefully made her feel good.
She says we don't talk. Not about "proper" things anyway. It seems the hours and hours we have spent talking about various problems of hers and some of mine have been a figment of my imagination.
She says she spends every weekend alone. So all the weekends I spent with her last year were also imagined.
She used the fact that I didn't tell her all the details of a longtime family issue of mine as proof that I don't really think of her as a close friend. I very rarely talk to anybody about this particular issue and I am angry she has tried to use it in that way.
She is still blaming herself for all these people treating her badly and abandoning her. She is insisting that I am a terrible person for not changing certain of my plans to include her. She says she would if I was feeling the way she is. I suggested she thinks about getting professional help. She says she doesn't need any. She is still talking as if we will never see each other again.
I spoke a bit to my friend E about all of this. She thinks T is trying to manipulate me, albeit possibly without realising. I do feel as if I am being manipulated. I don't think that me changing my plans on two or three days of the year so that I can spend them with T will help her. She will still feel alone and lonely. She will still feel as if she has nobody. She will still hate herself. She will still not have the confidence needed to make a life for herself that includes other friends as well as me. I cannot single handedly make everything better. I feel overwhelmed by pouring her heart out about her loneliness. And her refusal to seek help makes me feel as if I have hit a brick wall. What more can I do?
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
Decisions, decisions
I've written a couple of quite lengthy posts recently about my friendship with T. I wrote them because I had various thoughts and worries going round and round in my mind and needed to work through them and make sense of them. So the posts were a kind of therapy, which is what my whole blog is. I'm sure they probably bored the pants off anyone who read them all and/or had you yelling at me that I'm better off without her.
The trouble is, I do care about her, and as she is still pretty much ignoring me, I do miss contact with her. I miss her emails about her colleagues' quirks, I miss her numerous texts, some silly, some serious, I miss us getting excited about our next weekend away. I miss being able to share my family problems with her. I miss being friends with her.
However, I don't miss email after email after email analysing everything about the guy she dated for a few weeks and can't get over. I don't miss her suddenly stopping talking to me because she's p**sed off about something she thinks I did wrong. I don't miss meeting up for a weekend and ending up spending most of the time talking through how she feels about the guy who suddenly re-appeared in her life, what it might mean and what she can do about it. I don't miss trying to persuade her that people care about her after she has told me she hates herself. I don't miss trying to be her counsellor, therapist and psychologist.
I know she is depressed and I know she has zero self esteem, and I am fully prepared to provide support for a friend who is getting professional treatment/therapy, as was the case with her a few years ago when she was first diagnosed. But I can't do it year after year for a friend who refuses to get the help she still needs. I am not a counsellor, I am not qualified, I can't wave a magic wand and make her feel better, I can't be the only person she turns to when she's depressed or hating herself.
You all spoke a lot of sense last year about T. My friends have said a few sensible things this time. You all help me to realise that I'm not the awful friend she currently thinks I am. So if our friendship is to survive she needs to get professional help. I am continuing to contact her occasionally. If she decides that she wants to talk then I will need to tell her that, as her friend and someone who cares about her, I think she should seek professional help. If she continues ignoring me I will need to decide when is the time to say the same thing by email.
The trouble is, I do care about her, and as she is still pretty much ignoring me, I do miss contact with her. I miss her emails about her colleagues' quirks, I miss her numerous texts, some silly, some serious, I miss us getting excited about our next weekend away. I miss being able to share my family problems with her. I miss being friends with her.
However, I don't miss email after email after email analysing everything about the guy she dated for a few weeks and can't get over. I don't miss her suddenly stopping talking to me because she's p**sed off about something she thinks I did wrong. I don't miss meeting up for a weekend and ending up spending most of the time talking through how she feels about the guy who suddenly re-appeared in her life, what it might mean and what she can do about it. I don't miss trying to persuade her that people care about her after she has told me she hates herself. I don't miss trying to be her counsellor, therapist and psychologist.
I know she is depressed and I know she has zero self esteem, and I am fully prepared to provide support for a friend who is getting professional treatment/therapy, as was the case with her a few years ago when she was first diagnosed. But I can't do it year after year for a friend who refuses to get the help she still needs. I am not a counsellor, I am not qualified, I can't wave a magic wand and make her feel better, I can't be the only person she turns to when she's depressed or hating herself.
You all spoke a lot of sense last year about T. My friends have said a few sensible things this time. You all help me to realise that I'm not the awful friend she currently thinks I am. So if our friendship is to survive she needs to get professional help. I am continuing to contact her occasionally. If she decides that she wants to talk then I will need to tell her that, as her friend and someone who cares about her, I think she should seek professional help. If she continues ignoring me I will need to decide when is the time to say the same thing by email.
Saturday, 4 February 2012
Fear
I think I'm a little afraid of men. Not all men. Married or attached men, those I don't find at all attractive and those who are much older or younger than me, I have no problem with. But single men, around my age, who I find at least sort of attractive or who I might possibly find attractive, they scare the hell out of me just by talking to me.
I went into the kitchen at work one day last week to find a guy who works down my corridor already in there. I speak to him quite often about work related things, and have had one or two fairly short conversations with him about non-work things. I don't look at him and immediately find myself attracted to him, but I have occasionally thought that I possibly could find him attractive in certain circumstances (such as if he asked me on a date).
As we made our various cups of tea and coffee we said a few random things to each other, and then he asked me if I had any plans for the weekend. I told him I had none, he said the same, I mentioned something hobby-related which I did last weekend, which prompted a further question from him. We were almost having a proper conversation.
And I was scared. He was surely only making conversation as making drinks in silence can feel a bit awkward. But I was thinking "Why did he ask that? He can't like me??? What if he asks me out? How do I handle that? How do I cope with a date? I can't talk to him, he'll think I like him." I had all sorts of nonsense running through my mind, nonsense which stems from my total lack of experience with men. To me, going on a date, being in a relationship with a man, are things as new and alien to me as sky-diving or bungee-jumping, and are every bit as scary.
Other people find the thought of a first date exciting. I wish I did. Instead, I am stuck with fear. Fear of not knowing what to do and of doing it all wrong. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of looking like an idiot. Fear of being found out.
I went into the kitchen at work one day last week to find a guy who works down my corridor already in there. I speak to him quite often about work related things, and have had one or two fairly short conversations with him about non-work things. I don't look at him and immediately find myself attracted to him, but I have occasionally thought that I possibly could find him attractive in certain circumstances (such as if he asked me on a date).
As we made our various cups of tea and coffee we said a few random things to each other, and then he asked me if I had any plans for the weekend. I told him I had none, he said the same, I mentioned something hobby-related which I did last weekend, which prompted a further question from him. We were almost having a proper conversation.
And I was scared. He was surely only making conversation as making drinks in silence can feel a bit awkward. But I was thinking "Why did he ask that? He can't like me??? What if he asks me out? How do I handle that? How do I cope with a date? I can't talk to him, he'll think I like him." I had all sorts of nonsense running through my mind, nonsense which stems from my total lack of experience with men. To me, going on a date, being in a relationship with a man, are things as new and alien to me as sky-diving or bungee-jumping, and are every bit as scary.
Other people find the thought of a first date exciting. I wish I did. Instead, I am stuck with fear. Fear of not knowing what to do and of doing it all wrong. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of looking like an idiot. Fear of being found out.
Friday, 27 January 2012
Remembrance
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