Nothing to update on the dating front since my last post. Towards the end of last year e-harmony started emailing me again out of the blue to tell me about my new matches, and to invite me to rejoin. Last year was so busy, for the most part with memorable, sometimes unforgettable, times with friends, that I didn't have the time to trawl through online dating matches. I also didn't really have much time to feel alone and boyfriendless as I had so much to do.
The whole checking matches, replying to them, arranging a date process seems so scary to me that I think I need the push of feeling alone to make me do it. This year will I think be a little less busy, so may have some alone moments to push me into perhaps rejoining e-harmony, or trying something else. We'll see.
As for the T situation, she sent me a text at the end of last year telling me to remember that when she has one of her downers/meltdowns in 2013 (which she is convinced she will) she means none of it and that I am very important to her. So progress of sorts there, as she does realise that the things she says hurt and acknowledges that they're not the truth.
At the moment I am having to deal with a household situation that I am very unsure how to handle. We had a new female housemate move in at the end of last summer. Not long after she moved in my other female housemate (I'll call her extrovert) and I started occasionally noticing what seemed to be traces of vomit in and sometimes around the toilet bowl. This has kept happening. and Extrovert and I have been cleaning it up. Also, we almost never see the new housemate eating. When I say almost never, I have seen her eat once, a bowl of soup in a restaurant when went out for Extrovert's birthday. Extrovert saw her eat on a second occasion, when Extrovert cooked both of them dinner, not long after new housemate moved in.
New housemate leaves the house before 7am on workdays and usually doesn't get home until 10.30 -11pm or later. She goes to the gym daily before and after work. All of this made us suspect that New Housemate might have bulimia. We had occasional discussions about what, if anything, we should do about it. We were worried about New Housemate's health, and were also getting a little fed up of cleaning up her vomit, so partly wanted to talk to her about it. However as she is hardly ever home we felt we don't actually know her very well, and talking to her could have been difficult.
Eventually a few weeks ago we decided to speak to her. We planned what we would say to start the conversation, we thought out possible reactions from her and prepared our responses to those reactions. We full expected her to deny she has a problem and to get angry with us. In actual fact, to cut a long story short, she admitted that she has bulimia, which felt like a huge step for her. It turns out we are the first people she has told. We encouraged her to see a doctor, and to get help, but made no demands, did not try to force her to get help, and didn't tell her to stop making herself sick. She said she felt very bad, and embarrassed, that we had had to clean up after her.
A few days ago, Extrovert and I, when putting rubbish bags into our outside bin, both noticed what appeared to be vomit on the inside of the bin. We immediately wondered if New Housemate had put a bag of vomit in the bin and it had split.
Yesterday we decided to clean the bin as we just couldn't leave it with vomit in it for the refuse collectors to face. When we opened it to take out the rubbish before cleaning it, we found a large tote bag full of plastic bags of what can only have been vomit, along with various empty food packets. We then spent the next two hours triple-bagging the vomit filled bag and washing and scrubbing the bin clean of sick. I'm not usually squeamish about cleaning mess, dirt, filth, bodily fluids etc but both Extrovert and I agreed that this was probably the most disgusting thing either of us had ever had to do. Certainly neither of us ever want to have to do it again.
I wonder whether she felt so bad about us cleaning up in the bathroom that she thought she'd avoid vomiting in there? Or perhaps she didn't want us to know that she was still vomiting? Or was trying to hide the extent of it? Extrovert sent her a text on Friday, with no mention of the bin, saying that we understand that it's going to be a slow process for her to get better, and that if she still does feel the urge, then the toilet is the most hygienic place to vomit. I really hope she will get the message and not use anywhere else. I understand that she is ill, and that she can't help needing to purge, but at the same time, it doesn't seem fair on me or Extrovert that we have to deal with cleaning up after her. We are undecided whether we ought to mention to her that we cleaned out the bin, and why.
We are trying to help and support her and trying to be understanding, and have said we are happy to listen if she ever wants to talk to us, but I have no idea whether we are handling this in the right way. If we find vomit in the bin again I suspect that we might rapidly lose understanding. I'm not a doctor, or a counsellor or in any way qualified. It feels selfish to say so, but I don't want to come home from work and have to deal with this. When I'm not at work I want to be able to relax and de-stress, not worry and stress about this situation. She has apparently made an appointment to see a doctor, so I really hope that starts the process of recovery for her.
Sunday, 17 February 2013
Tuesday, 28 August 2012
So, a question
Say I have plans to go to a friend's hen/bachelorette party at the weekend. And say those plans fall through because my friend has been having trouble organising the party. I am then free that weekend and have no plans.
Say another friend then suggests going out with her somewhere. And say I tell her I'm free the weekend of the non-hen party. Does the fact that I originally had other plans for that weekend make this friend second best? If I am free and able to meet her does it matter why I am free that weekend?
If I have plans which fall through I am supposed to never make any other plans for that day/evening/weekend in case the person I do them with might think they are second best?
T finally decided to get counselling. I was so proud of her for taking that step and so pleased that she might finally start feeling better about herself and gain some self esteem. From what she told me it all seemed to be going ok. It sounded tough and emotional, but as if she was working through issue. But then when I asked about it a few weeks ago she told me she'd stopped going as she thought the counsellor was just being nosey. She ignored my enquiry about whether she would be able to see a different counsellor. She's been mainly ok in recent months. I'm not sure she's going to continue that way.
Say another friend then suggests going out with her somewhere. And say I tell her I'm free the weekend of the non-hen party. Does the fact that I originally had other plans for that weekend make this friend second best? If I am free and able to meet her does it matter why I am free that weekend?
If I have plans which fall through I am supposed to never make any other plans for that day/evening/weekend in case the person I do them with might think they are second best?
T finally decided to get counselling. I was so proud of her for taking that step and so pleased that she might finally start feeling better about herself and gain some self esteem. From what she told me it all seemed to be going ok. It sounded tough and emotional, but as if she was working through issue. But then when I asked about it a few weeks ago she told me she'd stopped going as she thought the counsellor was just being nosey. She ignored my enquiry about whether she would be able to see a different counsellor. She's been mainly ok in recent months. I'm not sure she's going to continue that way.
Friday, 16 March 2012
Questions
I just used some old sheets of printer paper and in the empty packet found an envelope, postmarked 1998, with a number of questions written on it. It was a list of questions about sex which I wanted to ask my best friend, but I never managed to do so. The questions are these:
They seem so basic, so childish, so naive in parts. Although I have sort of found out from magazines like Cosmopolitan and from the internet what the woman is supposed to do, I obviously only know in theory. And the rest of the questions I still don't know the answers to. I am 38 this year. I shouldn't have been asking the sort of questions a 14 year old might ask when I was 24. I certainly shouldn't still be asking them at almost 38.
- When you're going out with someone how do you start sleeping together? Does one of you suggest it?
- What does the woman do in bed?
- What do people mean when they say that someone is "good" or "bad" in bed?
- Is it easy to kiss someone or do you need to know what to do?
- How do you know what to do the first time you sleep with someone? Does it come naturally or do you have to guess? Is the first time embarrassing or frightening?
- When is it normal to sleep with someone? On a first date? After a couple of weeks? Couple of months? Six months? What would a man expect?
- Does it hurt? Does it take a long time to learn how to do it properly?
They seem so basic, so childish, so naive in parts. Although I have sort of found out from magazines like Cosmopolitan and from the internet what the woman is supposed to do, I obviously only know in theory. And the rest of the questions I still don't know the answers to. I am 38 this year. I shouldn't have been asking the sort of questions a 14 year old might ask when I was 24. I certainly shouldn't still be asking them at almost 38.
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
I need to stop this
I have to stop spending an hour or two every evening googling terms like "how to help a depressed friend", "friend has no self esteem", "friend says she has no friends". I have to stop thinking about the things she said in her email. I have to stop composing replies in my head.
I have to find some way of telling her that I am feeling overwhelmed, that there is only so much I can do to help, that I cannot fix everything for her, while also telling her that I still care and still want to help. I have find a way to tell her that she needs to try to help herself and make a life for herself that won't make her feel as if I am yet another friend who doesn't want to know her.
I have to find some way of telling her that I am feeling overwhelmed, that there is only so much I can do to help, that I cannot fix everything for her, while also telling her that I still care and still want to help. I have find a way to tell her that she needs to try to help herself and make a life for herself that won't make her feel as if I am yet another friend who doesn't want to know her.
Sunday, 19 February 2012
Brick Wall
Well, T is "talking" to me, though only by the occasional email and text message, and only to reiterate her feelings on friends, and the end of our friendship.
She is geniunely feeling completely alone and very lonely. She has listed various women she thinks of as friends and who she either hasn't seen for 6 months, a year or longer, or who have only seen her when they needed something from her. She says she has made it clear to them how awful they've made her feel and they don't care. She wishes that they would admit to having contributed to how she is feeling and that they would be honest and tell her that they only think of her as a colleague.
From what she's said about these women I think one of them is generally quite a flakey, unreliable person who has let T down on a few occasions. I do wonder though whether the rest of them even realised that T thought of them as close friends. Perhaps she is being overeager and thinking there is more to the friendship than there actually is. Perhaps they they just didn't feel that same level of friendship, perhaps they need much longer before they think of her as a good friend.
She did actually say something similar about me, that maybe she loves me too much and wants to much from me. She mentioned the last guy she sort of dated, who she thought she was in love with after knowing him for a couple of months. She said she probably didn't actually feel anything for him, and that she was just clinging to him because he appeared to be somene who cared.
She did mention things which I have done or not done which have made her feel bad. I'm not perfect and do make mistakes but these things were a small number of things that were surely outnumbered by things I have done that have hopefully made her feel good.
She says we don't talk. Not about "proper" things anyway. It seems the hours and hours we have spent talking about various problems of hers and some of mine have been a figment of my imagination.
She says she spends every weekend alone. So all the weekends I spent with her last year were also imagined.
She used the fact that I didn't tell her all the details of a longtime family issue of mine as proof that I don't really think of her as a close friend. I very rarely talk to anybody about this particular issue and I am angry she has tried to use it in that way.
She is still blaming herself for all these people treating her badly and abandoning her. She is insisting that I am a terrible person for not changing certain of my plans to include her. She says she would if I was feeling the way she is. I suggested she thinks about getting professional help. She says she doesn't need any. She is still talking as if we will never see each other again.
I spoke a bit to my friend E about all of this. She thinks T is trying to manipulate me, albeit possibly without realising. I do feel as if I am being manipulated. I don't think that me changing my plans on two or three days of the year so that I can spend them with T will help her. She will still feel alone and lonely. She will still feel as if she has nobody. She will still hate herself. She will still not have the confidence needed to make a life for herself that includes other friends as well as me. I cannot single handedly make everything better. I feel overwhelmed by pouring her heart out about her loneliness. And her refusal to seek help makes me feel as if I have hit a brick wall. What more can I do?
She is geniunely feeling completely alone and very lonely. She has listed various women she thinks of as friends and who she either hasn't seen for 6 months, a year or longer, or who have only seen her when they needed something from her. She says she has made it clear to them how awful they've made her feel and they don't care. She wishes that they would admit to having contributed to how she is feeling and that they would be honest and tell her that they only think of her as a colleague.
From what she's said about these women I think one of them is generally quite a flakey, unreliable person who has let T down on a few occasions. I do wonder though whether the rest of them even realised that T thought of them as close friends. Perhaps she is being overeager and thinking there is more to the friendship than there actually is. Perhaps they they just didn't feel that same level of friendship, perhaps they need much longer before they think of her as a good friend.
She did actually say something similar about me, that maybe she loves me too much and wants to much from me. She mentioned the last guy she sort of dated, who she thought she was in love with after knowing him for a couple of months. She said she probably didn't actually feel anything for him, and that she was just clinging to him because he appeared to be somene who cared.
She did mention things which I have done or not done which have made her feel bad. I'm not perfect and do make mistakes but these things were a small number of things that were surely outnumbered by things I have done that have hopefully made her feel good.
She says we don't talk. Not about "proper" things anyway. It seems the hours and hours we have spent talking about various problems of hers and some of mine have been a figment of my imagination.
She says she spends every weekend alone. So all the weekends I spent with her last year were also imagined.
She used the fact that I didn't tell her all the details of a longtime family issue of mine as proof that I don't really think of her as a close friend. I very rarely talk to anybody about this particular issue and I am angry she has tried to use it in that way.
She is still blaming herself for all these people treating her badly and abandoning her. She is insisting that I am a terrible person for not changing certain of my plans to include her. She says she would if I was feeling the way she is. I suggested she thinks about getting professional help. She says she doesn't need any. She is still talking as if we will never see each other again.
I spoke a bit to my friend E about all of this. She thinks T is trying to manipulate me, albeit possibly without realising. I do feel as if I am being manipulated. I don't think that me changing my plans on two or three days of the year so that I can spend them with T will help her. She will still feel alone and lonely. She will still feel as if she has nobody. She will still hate herself. She will still not have the confidence needed to make a life for herself that includes other friends as well as me. I cannot single handedly make everything better. I feel overwhelmed by pouring her heart out about her loneliness. And her refusal to seek help makes me feel as if I have hit a brick wall. What more can I do?
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
Decisions, decisions
I've written a couple of quite lengthy posts recently about my friendship with T. I wrote them because I had various thoughts and worries going round and round in my mind and needed to work through them and make sense of them. So the posts were a kind of therapy, which is what my whole blog is. I'm sure they probably bored the pants off anyone who read them all and/or had you yelling at me that I'm better off without her.
The trouble is, I do care about her, and as she is still pretty much ignoring me, I do miss contact with her. I miss her emails about her colleagues' quirks, I miss her numerous texts, some silly, some serious, I miss us getting excited about our next weekend away. I miss being able to share my family problems with her. I miss being friends with her.
However, I don't miss email after email after email analysing everything about the guy she dated for a few weeks and can't get over. I don't miss her suddenly stopping talking to me because she's p**sed off about something she thinks I did wrong. I don't miss meeting up for a weekend and ending up spending most of the time talking through how she feels about the guy who suddenly re-appeared in her life, what it might mean and what she can do about it. I don't miss trying to persuade her that people care about her after she has told me she hates herself. I don't miss trying to be her counsellor, therapist and psychologist.
I know she is depressed and I know she has zero self esteem, and I am fully prepared to provide support for a friend who is getting professional treatment/therapy, as was the case with her a few years ago when she was first diagnosed. But I can't do it year after year for a friend who refuses to get the help she still needs. I am not a counsellor, I am not qualified, I can't wave a magic wand and make her feel better, I can't be the only person she turns to when she's depressed or hating herself.
You all spoke a lot of sense last year about T. My friends have said a few sensible things this time. You all help me to realise that I'm not the awful friend she currently thinks I am. So if our friendship is to survive she needs to get professional help. I am continuing to contact her occasionally. If she decides that she wants to talk then I will need to tell her that, as her friend and someone who cares about her, I think she should seek professional help. If she continues ignoring me I will need to decide when is the time to say the same thing by email.
The trouble is, I do care about her, and as she is still pretty much ignoring me, I do miss contact with her. I miss her emails about her colleagues' quirks, I miss her numerous texts, some silly, some serious, I miss us getting excited about our next weekend away. I miss being able to share my family problems with her. I miss being friends with her.
However, I don't miss email after email after email analysing everything about the guy she dated for a few weeks and can't get over. I don't miss her suddenly stopping talking to me because she's p**sed off about something she thinks I did wrong. I don't miss meeting up for a weekend and ending up spending most of the time talking through how she feels about the guy who suddenly re-appeared in her life, what it might mean and what she can do about it. I don't miss trying to persuade her that people care about her after she has told me she hates herself. I don't miss trying to be her counsellor, therapist and psychologist.
I know she is depressed and I know she has zero self esteem, and I am fully prepared to provide support for a friend who is getting professional treatment/therapy, as was the case with her a few years ago when she was first diagnosed. But I can't do it year after year for a friend who refuses to get the help she still needs. I am not a counsellor, I am not qualified, I can't wave a magic wand and make her feel better, I can't be the only person she turns to when she's depressed or hating herself.
You all spoke a lot of sense last year about T. My friends have said a few sensible things this time. You all help me to realise that I'm not the awful friend she currently thinks I am. So if our friendship is to survive she needs to get professional help. I am continuing to contact her occasionally. If she decides that she wants to talk then I will need to tell her that, as her friend and someone who cares about her, I think she should seek professional help. If she continues ignoring me I will need to decide when is the time to say the same thing by email.
Saturday, 4 February 2012
Fear
I think I'm a little afraid of men. Not all men. Married or attached men, those I don't find at all attractive and those who are much older or younger than me, I have no problem with. But single men, around my age, who I find at least sort of attractive or who I might possibly find attractive, they scare the hell out of me just by talking to me.
I went into the kitchen at work one day last week to find a guy who works down my corridor already in there. I speak to him quite often about work related things, and have had one or two fairly short conversations with him about non-work things. I don't look at him and immediately find myself attracted to him, but I have occasionally thought that I possibly could find him attractive in certain circumstances (such as if he asked me on a date).
As we made our various cups of tea and coffee we said a few random things to each other, and then he asked me if I had any plans for the weekend. I told him I had none, he said the same, I mentioned something hobby-related which I did last weekend, which prompted a further question from him. We were almost having a proper conversation.
And I was scared. He was surely only making conversation as making drinks in silence can feel a bit awkward. But I was thinking "Why did he ask that? He can't like me??? What if he asks me out? How do I handle that? How do I cope with a date? I can't talk to him, he'll think I like him." I had all sorts of nonsense running through my mind, nonsense which stems from my total lack of experience with men. To me, going on a date, being in a relationship with a man, are things as new and alien to me as sky-diving or bungee-jumping, and are every bit as scary.
Other people find the thought of a first date exciting. I wish I did. Instead, I am stuck with fear. Fear of not knowing what to do and of doing it all wrong. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of looking like an idiot. Fear of being found out.
I went into the kitchen at work one day last week to find a guy who works down my corridor already in there. I speak to him quite often about work related things, and have had one or two fairly short conversations with him about non-work things. I don't look at him and immediately find myself attracted to him, but I have occasionally thought that I possibly could find him attractive in certain circumstances (such as if he asked me on a date).
As we made our various cups of tea and coffee we said a few random things to each other, and then he asked me if I had any plans for the weekend. I told him I had none, he said the same, I mentioned something hobby-related which I did last weekend, which prompted a further question from him. We were almost having a proper conversation.
And I was scared. He was surely only making conversation as making drinks in silence can feel a bit awkward. But I was thinking "Why did he ask that? He can't like me??? What if he asks me out? How do I handle that? How do I cope with a date? I can't talk to him, he'll think I like him." I had all sorts of nonsense running through my mind, nonsense which stems from my total lack of experience with men. To me, going on a date, being in a relationship with a man, are things as new and alien to me as sky-diving or bungee-jumping, and are every bit as scary.
Other people find the thought of a first date exciting. I wish I did. Instead, I am stuck with fear. Fear of not knowing what to do and of doing it all wrong. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of looking like an idiot. Fear of being found out.
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