Today has been a slightly strange day. It was much busier than a normal Friday because I have a lot of things I need to complete at work before I leave. For a lot of the day I was also worrying about my friend T, who I had an email from yesterday. The older guy at her work continues to treat her badly and she‘s not taking it well. She seems to be very depressed, and I think I really need to persuade her to get professional help. I really hope I can talk her into it.
Earlier this evening I was at work a little later than usual, and as I sat alone in the office Chatty Guy walked past, did a double take, then wandered in. I expected him to say hi, ask why I was there so late then disappear, but he sat himself down and we chatted for about 20 minutes. I could’ve kicked myself after he’d left though, because I had an opportunity to spend a bit more time with him and didn’t take it. He’s considering moving into the same complex of flats I live in and said he hadn’t seen the inside of one yet. At that point I should’ve said he was welcome to drop in to mine and take a look, but I didn’t. I thought it, but I stupidly didn’t say it. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do so on Monday.
There’s part of me that wishes that if he isn’t interested he would just stop being quite so friendly. It makes it very difficult for me to tell whether he’s just being friendly or if there’s something more to it. I guess that’s just how society is nowadays though, with men and women often being genuinely just friends, with no expectation of anything else. In the past he might only have approached me if he was interested, but now....who knows who’s interested and who’s not. I have male friends, and he has female friends, so it’s actually normal for us to be as we are with each other.
I spent the rest of the evening sorting through cupboards and throwing things away, or having a good clear out as my family would say. I couldn’t believe the sort of things I’d hoarded. Random birthday and Christmas cards with no particular significance, years old job rejection letters, and all sorts of hand written notes relating to job hunting 11 years ago. I seem to have kept drafts of almost every application letter I ever sent. It was interesting and a little poignant to read them now, to see how I sold myself then, what my hopes were for my future career, what I wanted to do with my life.
My life certainly hasn’t gone the way I hoped it would back then, but there have been interesting times, I’ve learnt a lot, seen some of the world and I’ve made some great friends. There is of course the whole never had boyfriend thing, which I definitely did not expect to still be true all this time later, and which is the aspect of my life I’m most unhappy with. However, the forthcoming new job and home are taking my mind off that at the moment.
A few colleagues at work have made comments about maybe finding myself a man when I move, which I think indicates that I’m seen as the eternally single woman at my workplace. Some people have said change begets change, which I suppose can be true, but I’m not that hopeful. If it hasn’t happened so far in the various places I’ve lived, why would it just because I moved and started a new job? I will though make the effort to put myself out there. I’ll do classes and clubs and generally try to meet people as I won’t know anyone. One advantage I do have is that I am more confident now than I was when I first moved to my current town. I’m still essentially shy, but I can make conversation (sort of) and I’m not scared to walk into a class or club alone.
We shall see.
3 comments:
It's great that you're determined to push yourself out there. Trust me, I know what it's like to want that -- and I think that's half the battle, isn't it? Getting over that mental hurdle of being out there and getting to know new people and seeing where things may lead.
I like your philosophy towards life. I know that I can get pretty down sometimes about the direction it's heading, but I agree with you that there have been interesting times and I've learned a lot...and that's more than anybody could hope for.
In regards to Chatty Guy -- it's frustrating, for sure, but I think Chatty Guy served a purpose in that, sometimes, maybe the other person doesn't really feel things about us in the way we might hope, but we learn to get over it and settle into friendship.
Getting over that mental hurdle certainly is half the battle. In the past when I moved to a new town I would tend sit at home too scared/nervous to try going out and meeting people. Once I'd made myself get over that, and got myself out there (even if just occasionally) and found that it wasn't quite as scary as I'd feared, I was able to keep doing it.
Re-reading this post, I realised that I'm feeling fairly positive about life as the moment. I've always tried to appreciate what I have and the good things that have happened rather than dwell on negatives, but it is hard sometimes and like you I have felt quite down about the way it's going.
You're completely right about Chatty Guy serving a purpose. It is frustrating, but I'm not feeling anything like I did last time I liked someone who wasn't interested, and I'm comfortable with the fact that we're likely to just end up as friends.
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