In the past week I've had a couple of conversations about online dating and dating agencies. The first was when a work colleague mentioned that she once had a second job and that it was because she wasn't meeting anyone (i.e. men) at her main job. She didn't meet any men there so joined some sort of dating agency. She was quite open about it and others in the office laughed about how they used to help her choose who to go out with next, and how they used to look forward to hearing how the dates went. She said that the 6 months she was doing it were the most fun she's ever had, going for dinner, seeing films etc with all sorts of men. And she did end up meeting the man she married.
The next conversation was with one of my housemates who randomly asked if I was looking for a boyfriend. I stumbled a bit over my answer and said something along the lines of "well, not particularly, but I wouldn't complain if someone came along". I couldn't very well say "I've never actually had a boyfriend, I have no idea why not, but I think I really would like one" could I? She then went on to ask if I'd ever tried internet dating and I said I hadn't but that I knew friends who had. She seemed to quite like the idea and was of the opinion that while in the past it was only so-called "desperate" people who tried it, now it's a much more "acceptable" way for anyone to meet someone new. I agree with her about that, the embarrassment factor is certainly less nowadays, and the more people, like my colleague, are open about it, the more it will be seen as a "normal" way to meet men.
However, I'm not sure whether it's something that I personally want to do. Not because of any embarrassment amongst friends, but for various other reasons. I'm shy and don't have much confidence when meeting new people. How successful would I be at picking up the phone and trying to converse? I fear there would be lengthy silences. I have no relationship history. How do I know what I want in a man? How do I answer the questions about previous relationships, especially if the question comes up early on? Would it put a guy off even before he'd got to really know me?
I know that with internet dating at least you know that the guy is definitely looking for a relationship, and you therefore hopefully avoid all the "is he, isn't he interested" worry, but I think I would much prefer to know someone as a friend first. I'd rather get to know them without worrying or feeling any pressure about where things are going, and I'd want to let them get to know me as a person before any awkward questions came up. Trouble is, I've made male friends but none has become anything more and I'm not having much luck meeting new friends.
Hearing people talk about online dating has made me wonder if I should just think what the hell and give it a go. Surely I can live with any embarrassment? It's not going to kill me after all. And if a guy is scared off by my relationship history, would I really want him? Or should I try clubs or evening classes in my new city first? Maybe I will investigate some websites.
5 comments:
Well...if it helps, I've ventured back to trying online dating -- and being more open minded about it this time around.
I went on my first date last night, actually, which I'll blog about, so that you can sort of get a sense of what it's like (vicariously).
I think that you should only try it if you've reached that point where you feel like you're open to it. If you have any doubts, then don't sign up.
I can totally relate to your apprehension. I myself always thought of myself as really shy when it comes to meeting new people. The older I get though, the more I feel like "what do I really have to lose?" I don't have to see this person EVER again. Still, I would get nervous anyway, but had to keep telling myself, at least I tried.
Match and eHarmony are the most common, and are the ones you pay for, but I'm also on OKCupid, which I've heard people have had success with. I also joined meetup.com, which has groups for meeting new friends and singles groups.
Good luck with whatever you choose, I think the most important thing is to find the site or thing to do that you're most comfortable with and start with that and the more relaxed you feel doing it, the more you'll want to try new sites and experiences.
ahh online dating... don't i know a fair bit bout that. i understand all your fears and i've gone through (still going through!) 'em.
honestly i don't really like online dating... though i do think that that's a great way to meet people you might normally never cross paths with. and even though things might not have worked out for me via that method, i have met some guys who i thought i pretty much clicked with and made some friends.
so i think you should just give it a go. it's probably not as scary as it might seem. and you will definitely get some good stories and experience outta it all. and hey even if you do wind up hating it, at least you gave it a try.
hey katya, like you I have pondered this question myself. Since I havent had much luck in the physical world or real world i've been thinking about online dating. My cousin actually met her husband online, they've been married for 5 yrs now and they had a daughter last yr. I also know other couples who have been successful. However, personally I'm not sure if its for me. Even though the taboo has more or less been lifted from online dating I am a bit uncomfortable with the whole thing. I have tried it before, meaning I made my profile etc, but I never fully committed, I never paid so I couldnt respond to msgs etc. Point is I've never been impressed enough to commit. Maybe I'm hoping I won't have to take it there, that eventually I'll meet someone in real life. But I'm def. not opposed to it, if things do persist in this way (hopefully it wont) i'll give it a try. Ok im done talking! But if you do decide to try all the best!
Thanks for all your comments, thoughts and encouragement :)
Ecrivain - I just read your entry about your date and it doesn't seem that scary and I think it's something I could do. And you're completely right about practice, I may not be very good at dating to start with but the more dates I go on the better I get (hopefully).
Anomylous - I think I've pretty much got to the what have I got to lose stage too, and the fact that I would never have to see him again is what makes me think that maybe I could cope with any embarrassment/nerve/things going badly. It's only for an evening after all.
Jo - I am a bit apprehensive after my dating agency experience a few years back, and actually my friend Sociable Guy has met a lot of women through online dating, none have lasted and some of the women have jsut been plain weird, which makes me wonder if it works. Then I hear success stories and I think maybe it does. But ultimately it is just another way to meet people and I therefore don't want to completely dismiss it.
Audrey - I know what you mean about meeting someone in real life, it just seems less stressful that way, becoming friends then things developing, rather than going on every date thinking "is he the one?". But I haven't met anyone in real life so I'm leaning leaning more and more to giving it a try.
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