I arrived home from work feeling a little deflated today. Work was a bit Monday-ish and we were low on staff so I was busy doing all sorts that I don't usually do. And I'm starting to feel like my venture into online dating is never going to amount to anything.
The one guy who responded to my questions ended up closing the match. At least half of the others I've contacted have closed the match without answering the questions. There are currently 22 guys who I have sent questions to who haven't responded in any way. And then there's the ones I wasn't at all interested in or wasn't sure about who have closed the match one me or vice versa.
I had my first questions sent to me at the end of last week. If it had happened a week earlier I think I would've been quite excited but the general jadedness that had set in by last week, as well as who they were from, prevented that.
The questions were sent by a guy who from his photo looks a little odd. He is dressed in a black leather jacket (a formal style one rather than a casual one) and a scarf and is sitting on an armchair inside a house. He's not smiling or looking animated in any way. It looks as if he set up a tripod and put his camera on self-timer. I hadn't actually got round to closing the match because his profile sounded vaguely interesting and I wondered whether he might post more photos and this one would turn out to be just a bad picture.
He did post a couple more photos when he sent the questions and they weren't really much better. One was him in the same outfit standing in front of a car, the other a close up head and shoulders shot. He looks quite stocky, he has shaved/very short hair and generally doesn't look like the men I am usually attracted to. All the men I have contacted so far have been slim-ish, have had hair and have not resembled him in any way.
But in a fit of fed-up-ness at the lack of interest shown by anyone else, rather than close the match I responded to his questions. I'm beginning to wonder whether I should lower my standards when it comes to looks. I don't think they're particularly high, but judging by how many of the men I though attractive have closed the match, maybe I am. Maybe I am going for men who are much more attractive than me and thus out of my league. Or maybe I need to go for men with a different look to my usual "type", as it seems my usual type isn't attracted to me. I don't know.
All of this gets me to thinking about why no man has ever asked me out. Just about every woman I know in real life has been asked out at some point in some way, whether by a friend, an acquaintance, a colleague, a friend of a friend, an acquaintance or someone else. It may not have been an official "let's go on a date", it may have been more of a mutual agreement but it's still better than I have done.
I think I need to stop here, as I feel myself about to cover ground that I'm sure I've covered more than enough previously.
6 comments:
I did that, too -- went out with a guy I was less than interested in from eHarmony. The communication process dragged on for weeks, even though he opted for Fast Track...but I just wasn't really too keen to meet up with him.
You know what I discovered? If you're not keen to go out with them after weeks of communicating online, there's a really good chance you're not going to be keen to continue going out with them beyond the first date.
Don't dwell too much on the guys who have closed communication. If you really think about it and look at their pictures, you'll probably be honest enough with yourself to admit that you might have closed communication first with some of those guys as well.
I know my totally bummed out post last week made it seem like I was at the very bottom of my pit of depression, but you know what? If it took some of those people on eHarmony a year or two to meet the right person, then maybe that's what will happen with me.
I just figure that every time I've said I was finally willing to settle for someone more in my "league," it's never worked out. I just have to hold onto the thought that maybe things don't work out for a reason and maybe it's worth waiting for the one right guy whom I attracted to and who's attracted to me.
(Yes, I know. I sound totally bi-polar with my swings from depths-of-despair to strangely optimistic.)
That's too bad about all the closed matches, but I'm wondering if that's common on eHarmony. I bet a lot of people on it are just lasy or bored so they put up a profile but if anyone contacts them they don't really care. There are so many guys on there, just gotta keep looking :). I don't think you should lower your standards because ultimately, you can't help who you're attracted to and if you don't want to date a stockier guy, there's no rule saying you must. I'd give the scarf guy a chance and see where it goes, but if nothing comes of it that's ok too. I bet men were to shy to ask you out ;). Cliche I know, but it's possible the opportunity just hasn't arisen yet. Don't give up hope!
Thanks for the encouragement ladies :)
I think I will probably continue online communication with Scarf Guy to find out a bit more about him and and see if he feels worth meeting in person. You're right Ecrivain that if after communicating for a while I don't really want to go out with him, that's not likely to change after the first date.
I'm trying not to worry too much about all the closed matches, and think it probably is quite common. If I look at the number of matches I've had (lots) and how many matches I've closed (also lots) that's bound to happen to men too so I will end up with quite a few closing matches on me.
And deep down I know you're both right about not settling for someone I'm not attracted to. It's all very well getting on well and being great friends, but you need some attraction.
Ecrivain - I think I do need to accept that it might take quite a while to meet the right person. I only signed up a few weeks ago and it may take some time for the right person to join up/become a paying member. I think I'm being impatient because when I joined I felt fairly optimistic and was all geared up to be brave and overcome any feelings of unconfidence with men,and I now feel less brave. But not everyone meets someone straight away so maybe waiting a while will be what happens to us.
Silencio - I will indeed keep looking and am not quite giving up hope yet. I think I probably need to rethink my attitude to the site and maybe lower my expectations of how many responses I might get.
the thing with online dating is that sometimes it's sink and sometimes it's swim and more often than not, it's probably sink. i know it can seen discouraging sometimes, but don't give up just yet. as with everything else, these things take time. i don't really think you should settle though 'coz then you probably would find it hard to live with yourself knowing that you settled. just go with the flow and see where that takes you. hope you enjoy the journey!
i know this sounds really weird, but i think it's the truth: there are leagues. i used to say that a certain guy was "out of my league" and my friends would yell at me and say, "shut up, there's no such thing as 'leagues.'" but when you think about it, it makes sense. as a species, it makes sense to want to better your gene pool and try to get with more attractive people. BUT those more attractive people are also trying to better their gene pool, so they want someone more attractive than them.
so it might seem that you're getting a lot of sketchy losers, but to them, you are so out of their league. and i don't think that you should have to down-league at all...it's biologically unnatural haha. this is the stuff i tell myself when this happens to me.
so when guys closed matches on me, i just figured yeah, maybe i am IN their league, but they're still hoping for someone in a league above their own. (good luck though fellas, those girls are taken!)
this probably sounds downright insane.
Jo - I think I'm learning that it's more often sink, and as long as I know and expect that I will hopefully not feel too discouraged about it. I really hope I don't ever settle, but I do worry that I might because I'd be so scared that someone more right might never come along.
Silencio - after a couple of reads that did make sense. We are programmed to improve our gene pool and I've read quite a lot about how people go for partners similarly or more attractive than them. Although if some people are going for and getting more attractive partners, surely the more attractive partner has gone down a league? Here's hoping that the guys in my league come back down to me when they realise that all the girls above them are taken!
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