Technology, how wonderful...

Quick update - I just decided on the first guy to communicate with, reached a page of 57 questions from which I must choose 5 to be sent to him, and I am unable to view the lists of answers he will get to choose from! Well actually, most lists didn't pop up at all at first, then I saw two or three lists, then I tried to view again the ones that had worked and they didn't work! Javascript seems not to be working properly on the website(I think I've checked all the settings my end that might cause it)....Please excuse the rant, but having decided to try this I really don't need the technology to put up barriers. I emailed the site so hopefully it will get fixed, but who knows when.

So I am taking the plunge

After a lot of procrastination I finally got round to completing my e-harmony questionnaire last night. I thought there was just one question to go but there were several and when I finished I only had time to have a brief look at my first 7 matches. I also hadn't paid to join so couldn't see any photos. My initial impression was that most of the matches seemed like nice guys.

I have this evening just paid for a 6 month subscription and can now see the photos of yesterday's matches and some more added today. Seeing the photos has been an interesting experience, and has got me to thinking about whether I am shallow and overly concerned with looks. A small number of the guys I looked at and thought, mmm not bad looking, not quite Brad Pitt, but not bad. The rest I really wasn't sure about. A couple I looked at and thought, no way, I don't think I would ever be able to find him attractive . One had long, greasy looking hair, seemed to be fairly overweight and generally, to me at least, looked like the stereotype of someone who spends all hours of the day and night computer gaming (a horrendous pre-judgement I know). One of his aims was to become a professional poker player which kind of put me off too.

My feelings about the rest were that they were "normal", "ordinary" looking, that I wasn't repulsed and that maybe attraction could grow. One common link between a number of them was that they looked so old! And really, they're not. They're aged from about 35 to 40. I think my problem here is that I forget that I am actually 35 (had a birthday last month) and therefore not terribly young myself. I may feel no different to when I was 18, but I do look different. I probably need to accept that I'm not going to end up with a gorgeous, young twenty-something. However, comparing the e-harmony guys to men I know who are a similar age, some of the e-harmony ones do look so much older. I'm sure my feelings on this are not helped by the fact that A, my last "crush" (and still my friend), is in his twenties.

I do generally think that compatability is more important that having a high level of attraction. However, I think I would need to at least think that attraction was possible.

So what to do next? I ought to be brave and make contact with some of these guys. I will probably read their profiles again and choose the ones which I am most interested in, then assuming I am not repulsed by their photo, I will contact them. Eharmony does have something called guided communication which may make things easier as you apparently don't just go straight to sending long messages.

Part of me is very nervous about all of this, and actually I do feel a little sick at the thought of what happens next. Might someone contact me? What expectations might they have? If I contact someone might they reject me? And of course that old chestnut, how do I explain my lack of relationship history? I also am not sure of some of my answers to the questionnaire - I had to list must haves and can't haves in a partner but with no experience I just had to guess what would be a must have for me.

Of course, it is entirely possible that I will go back into procrastination mode and not bother to contact anyone, but I will try very hard to avoid that.

A little perspective

Just time for a very quick post tonight plus I think I am still shocked over today's happenings. I (and my colleagues) found out earlier that someone I've worked with for a few months died earlier this week. It was a complete shock for everyone and some who had known her for several years were understandably extremely upset. It's been a hard day at work; some of my colleagues went home, those of us who were left mainly sat and stared at our monitors unable to concentrate on anything.

There is more story behind this, and her death, though shocking, may not have been totally unexpected. However I am not sure quite how much detail to go into, as at the moment it feels as if it ought to be kept private and not be broadcast to the world (maybe I'm thinking that out of respect for her family, though they are unlikely to ever read this).

What I will say is that although I didn't know her well, I know she had a good heart. And today puts whatever problems I may have into perspective. RIP.

I have and I haven't...

Okay, so I haven't posted for what seems like forever and I don't even have a proper excuse. I haven't been at work till late every day, I haven't been out socialising till midnight every evening, I haven't been on a month long holiday, I've just been plain lazy. I'm still enjoying the novelty of housemates to chat to, of having a communal area to lounge around in and I just haven't been able to summon up the will to blog. I have written various posts in my head over the past couple of months, I just haven't got round to putting them onto paper (or rather laptop hard drive).

Here's a few more haves and haven'ts from the last couple of months:

- I haven't found a boyfriend

- I haven't lost my virginity

- I have started to sign up to e-harmony

- I haven't finished signing up to e-harmony as I got stuck at the part where I was asked for what goals I have/had had in my life. My answer would be available to any of my matches and the length was unlimited. I was a little daunted by this, decided to go back to it later and so far haven't done. I had no idea what sort of goals I should be writing about. I don't see myself as a particularly goal driven person. I would like to be happy. I'd like to be healthy. I want my friends and family to be happy and healthy. I want to have friends I can trust and rely on. I want to do a job which gives me satisfaction and where I feel I make a difference. I want to earn enough to be able live without debt and to be able to take a holiday of two a year. I'd like to see more of the world and experience different cultures and countries. And yes, I'd like to have relationship. Is this enough? Should I have a goal of climbing a mountain, or something else exciting?

- I have been swimming a few times

- I haven't been swimming as much as I want to (again laziness) and need to

- I haven't signed up for any evening classes

- I have sometimes felt quite content

- I haven't felt too stressed in the new job

- I have been on holiday to New York (for the second time)with my friend T

- I have loved being in New York

- I have enjoyed spending time with T, and with Sociable Guy, and E and A who've all been to visit me

- I have been reading blogs even though I haven't been writing, or commenting much

- I have been annoyed with myself for not trying online dating and for not signing up for an evening class

- I haven't socialised with any new people in my new city. I could arrange to go out with my female housemate who is very friendly and easy to get on with, but I think she has very different preferences to me on a night out. She goes clubbing and goes out planning to drink and get drunk. I prefer to go to the pub or out for dinner. I do drink and I do sometimes get drunk but getting drunk is never the main aim. I don't think her male friends would be my type anyway

- I have just finished a work related training course which was useful and fun. I met some interesting women from my company who I may meet up with in future

- I haven't felt particularly sad or upset or distressed about being single

- I have wondered whether this lack of sadness is because I have become numb to my feelings and have just given up because the possiblity of ever meeting anyone seems so remote

- I have looked at many women with their husbands/boyfriends and thought the classic "if she can find someone why on earth can't I?". I don't think I will ever stop doing that

To online date or not to online date?

In the past week I've had a couple of conversations about online dating and dating agencies. The first was when a work colleague mentioned that she once had a second job and that it was because she wasn't meeting anyone (i.e. men) at her main job. She didn't meet any men there so joined some sort of dating agency. She was quite open about it and others in the office laughed about how they used to help her choose who to go out with next, and how they used to look forward to hearing how the dates went. She said that the 6 months she was doing it were the most fun she's ever had, going for dinner, seeing films etc with all sorts of men. And she did end up meeting the man she married.

The next conversation was with one of my housemates who randomly asked if I was looking for a boyfriend. I stumbled a bit over my answer and said something along the lines of "well, not particularly, but I wouldn't complain if someone came along". I couldn't very well say "I've never actually had a boyfriend, I have no idea why not, but I think I really would like one" could I? She then went on to ask if I'd ever tried internet dating and I said I hadn't but that I knew friends who had. She seemed to quite like the idea and was of the opinion that while in the past it was only so-called "desperate" people who tried it, now it's a much more "acceptable" way for anyone to meet someone new. I agree with her about that, the embarrassment factor is certainly less nowadays, and the more people, like my colleague, are open about it, the more it will be seen as a "normal" way to meet men.

However, I'm not sure whether it's something that I personally want to do. Not because of any embarrassment amongst friends, but for various other reasons. I'm shy and don't have much confidence when meeting new people. How successful would I be at picking up the phone and trying to converse? I fear there would be lengthy silences. I have no relationship history. How do I know what I want in a man? How do I answer the questions about previous relationships, especially if the question comes up early on? Would it put a guy off even before he'd got to really know me?

I know that with internet dating at least you know that the guy is definitely looking for a relationship, and you therefore hopefully avoid all the "is he, isn't he interested" worry, but I think I would much prefer to know someone as a friend first. I'd rather get to know them without worrying or feeling any pressure about where things are going, and I'd want to let them get to know me as a person before any awkward questions came up. Trouble is, I've made male friends but none has become anything more and I'm not having much luck meeting new friends.

Hearing people talk about online dating has made me wonder if I should just think what the hell and give it a go. Surely I can live with any embarrassment? It's not going to kill me after all. And if a guy is scared off by my relationship history, would I really want him? Or should I try clubs or evening classes in my new city first? Maybe I will investigate some websites.

Lost time

Finally I have made some time to blog. I'm not quite sure what I've been doing the past few weeks which has stopped me from writing. I seem to have been busy without really being busy. I've only been out one evening and away for one weekend. Time seems to have been swallowed up in finishing unpacking, shopping for extra bits and pieces needed for my room and lounging around in front of the TV.

Actually lounging around in front of the TV has been nice, as for the first time in ages I'm living somewhere with a communal living room, so I've spent a fair bit of time in there with my female (now ex) housemate (who I'll call The Scientist, because she is one), watching TV and chatting. She has just moved out into a place with one of her friends but she invited me out for a drink one evening last week and I think that's going to be a regular thing. It was just a quiet weeknight drink but good to be out nonetheless and I met a couple of her friends. It seems a shared house is a way to meet people.

My new housemate who is moving in this week is very friendly, and on first impressions appears more bubbly and outgoing than The Scientist. She has also mentioned going out for drinks so things sound promising there too.

I haven't got round to doing any of my regular sporty things, or to joining any clubs yet but hope to do that in the next couple of weeks. I need to get myself into a routine. I am doing a sponsored sporting activity this summer so really need to get training.

As for men...well nobody promising so far, but my job is in a very large workplace and there are rather a lot of men about, I just need to work out how I get to meet them. Chatty Guy made me smile the other week. I had contacted him a couple of times along with some other people to arrange for a group of us to meet up and he'd replied. Then about a week later he texted me one evening, completely out of the blue to ask how things were going. I tried not to read anything into it, but I did find it nice. And surprising.

I have realised recently that I'm surprised when any man shows any interest in me, even if just as friends. Whether it be Sociable Guy, Chatty Guy, A, or someone else, any email or text asking how I am, a mention that they miss me, or that they want to arrange to visit me, any indication that they care about me and want to spend time with me surprises me. I guess it's partly because I've never been in a relationship, and am therefore not used to men wanting to spend time with me. I suspect it may also be self esteem related in that I don't feel I am interesting enough for men to want to be around me (which also stems from never having had a relationship). Whatever the cause, I am always surprised (but pleased) when any man wants to spend time in my company.

On a completely different note, I went to the hairdressers last week and mentioned that I'd just moved, and said something about a new job. Her first comment? "Oh, did you move with your partner?" I was a little taken aback. Was that really the thing most interesting about my move? Not why this city? Not what was so good about the job? Not how am I finding living here? But have I moved with a partner. Is it that abnormal for me not have have a partner? For me to have moved alone? For me to have moved for myself and nobody else? I don't think so, but she seemed to, as her next comment was "Ooh aren't you brave?" Yes it's nerve wracking moving to somewhere new, where you don't know anyone, but I wouldn't describe it as brave. I've done it before when I went to university. And I've only moved an hour or two down the road, I'm not at the other end of the country, let alone the other side of the world.

Life is....okay

Well, I’ve finally found a little window of time in which to do some blogging. I have successfully moved to my new city where I’m living in a shared house, which I’m really enjoying after being in a flat for so long. I’m only sharing with two others, which is unusual, as most of the places I looked at were for four or more. It means that the house feels quite roomy as we have extra living space.

My housemates are fine, one is a guy I’ve hardly seen as he’s been working long hours, the other is a woman who I’ve spent a fair bit of time chatting to. The house feels like home already and I haven’t felt uncomfortable living with strangers, which I had been a little worried about. Unfortunately the female housemate is moving out soon, and another woman, who I met briefly, is moving in, so I’ll be starting from scratch again getting to know her. I don’t actually feel too daunted by that, certainly not compared to how I felt when I moved away to university. After my family had dropped me off I spent several hours hiding in my room, listening to my flatmates arriving and meeting each other, too shy and nervous to go and introduce myself. I have definitely moved on since then!

My new job is going okay so far. My colleagues are a mixed bunch but very friendly and some of them invited me out for a drink after work at the end of my first week, which I never knew to happen in my last place. I think the ones around my age and younger do socialise together sometimes and some of them seem to know a lot of people, so hopefully that will be one way to meet new people. My female housemate has invited me out too, so that should be another way. I have yet to join any clubs or do any of my sporting things, but will try to sort something out in the next week or two. One thing I don’t want to do is get into the rut of sitting at home every single evening feeling sorry for myself. At the moment though I am still unpacking , sorting out my room and feeling tired from absorbing so much new information.

I miss my friends from the old place. E and A were wonderful while I was moving and provided a lot of help. In fact I don’t think I could have done it without them. They’re planning to come and visit soon, which will be great.

All in all things are okay at the moment.