Lost time

Finally I have made some time to blog. I'm not quite sure what I've been doing the past few weeks which has stopped me from writing. I seem to have been busy without really being busy. I've only been out one evening and away for one weekend. Time seems to have been swallowed up in finishing unpacking, shopping for extra bits and pieces needed for my room and lounging around in front of the TV.

Actually lounging around in front of the TV has been nice, as for the first time in ages I'm living somewhere with a communal living room, so I've spent a fair bit of time in there with my female (now ex) housemate (who I'll call The Scientist, because she is one), watching TV and chatting. She has just moved out into a place with one of her friends but she invited me out for a drink one evening last week and I think that's going to be a regular thing. It was just a quiet weeknight drink but good to be out nonetheless and I met a couple of her friends. It seems a shared house is a way to meet people.

My new housemate who is moving in this week is very friendly, and on first impressions appears more bubbly and outgoing than The Scientist. She has also mentioned going out for drinks so things sound promising there too.

I haven't got round to doing any of my regular sporty things, or to joining any clubs yet but hope to do that in the next couple of weeks. I need to get myself into a routine. I am doing a sponsored sporting activity this summer so really need to get training.

As for men...well nobody promising so far, but my job is in a very large workplace and there are rather a lot of men about, I just need to work out how I get to meet them. Chatty Guy made me smile the other week. I had contacted him a couple of times along with some other people to arrange for a group of us to meet up and he'd replied. Then about a week later he texted me one evening, completely out of the blue to ask how things were going. I tried not to read anything into it, but I did find it nice. And surprising.

I have realised recently that I'm surprised when any man shows any interest in me, even if just as friends. Whether it be Sociable Guy, Chatty Guy, A, or someone else, any email or text asking how I am, a mention that they miss me, or that they want to arrange to visit me, any indication that they care about me and want to spend time with me surprises me. I guess it's partly because I've never been in a relationship, and am therefore not used to men wanting to spend time with me. I suspect it may also be self esteem related in that I don't feel I am interesting enough for men to want to be around me (which also stems from never having had a relationship). Whatever the cause, I am always surprised (but pleased) when any man wants to spend time in my company.

On a completely different note, I went to the hairdressers last week and mentioned that I'd just moved, and said something about a new job. Her first comment? "Oh, did you move with your partner?" I was a little taken aback. Was that really the thing most interesting about my move? Not why this city? Not what was so good about the job? Not how am I finding living here? But have I moved with a partner. Is it that abnormal for me not have have a partner? For me to have moved alone? For me to have moved for myself and nobody else? I don't think so, but she seemed to, as her next comment was "Ooh aren't you brave?" Yes it's nerve wracking moving to somewhere new, where you don't know anyone, but I wouldn't describe it as brave. I've done it before when I went to university. And I've only moved an hour or two down the road, I'm not at the other end of the country, let alone the other side of the world.

Life is....okay

Well, I’ve finally found a little window of time in which to do some blogging. I have successfully moved to my new city where I’m living in a shared house, which I’m really enjoying after being in a flat for so long. I’m only sharing with two others, which is unusual, as most of the places I looked at were for four or more. It means that the house feels quite roomy as we have extra living space.

My housemates are fine, one is a guy I’ve hardly seen as he’s been working long hours, the other is a woman who I’ve spent a fair bit of time chatting to. The house feels like home already and I haven’t felt uncomfortable living with strangers, which I had been a little worried about. Unfortunately the female housemate is moving out soon, and another woman, who I met briefly, is moving in, so I’ll be starting from scratch again getting to know her. I don’t actually feel too daunted by that, certainly not compared to how I felt when I moved away to university. After my family had dropped me off I spent several hours hiding in my room, listening to my flatmates arriving and meeting each other, too shy and nervous to go and introduce myself. I have definitely moved on since then!

My new job is going okay so far. My colleagues are a mixed bunch but very friendly and some of them invited me out for a drink after work at the end of my first week, which I never knew to happen in my last place. I think the ones around my age and younger do socialise together sometimes and some of them seem to know a lot of people, so hopefully that will be one way to meet new people. My female housemate has invited me out too, so that should be another way. I have yet to join any clubs or do any of my sporting things, but will try to sort something out in the next week or two. One thing I don’t want to do is get into the rut of sitting at home every single evening feeling sorry for myself. At the moment though I am still unpacking , sorting out my room and feeling tired from absorbing so much new information.

I miss my friends from the old place. E and A were wonderful while I was moving and provided a lot of help. In fact I don’t think I could have done it without them. They’re planning to come and visit soon, which will be great.

All in all things are okay at the moment.

I'm still here!

Just a very quick update to say I'm still here but have been far too busy in recent weeks. I've been packing, tying up loose ends in my old job, saying goodbye to friends, moving, unpacking, starting my new job, getting to know my housemates...I'm exhausted and cannot wait for the weekend.

I'm feeling quite positive at the moment. The new job seems to be going okay and I'm feeling fairly confident in it and finding my knowledge is more extensive than I thought. And after much persuasion my friend T went to the doctor and asked for help so I'm hoping things will start getting better for her.

I hope to have time at the weekend for a longer post, though will have to fit it in around more unpacking as I'm still surrounded by boxes. I have thrown so much away yet still seem to have enough to fill 3 houses. Sometimes I wish I was a little more minimalist...

A good clear out

Today has been a slightly strange day. It was much busier than a normal Friday because I have a lot of things I need to complete at work before I leave. For a lot of the day I was also worrying about my friend T, who I had an email from yesterday. The older guy at her work continues to treat her badly and she‘s not taking it well. She seems to be very depressed, and I think I really need to persuade her to get professional help. I really hope I can talk her into it.

Earlier this evening I was at work a little later than usual, and as I sat alone in the office Chatty Guy walked past, did a double take, then wandered in. I expected him to say hi, ask why I was there so late then disappear, but he sat himself down and we chatted for about 20 minutes. I could’ve kicked myself after he’d left though, because I had an opportunity to spend a bit more time with him and didn’t take it. He’s considering moving into the same complex of flats I live in and said he hadn’t seen the inside of one yet. At that point I should’ve said he was welcome to drop in to mine and take a look, but I didn’t. I thought it, but I stupidly didn’t say it. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do so on Monday.

There’s part of me that wishes that if he isn’t interested he would just stop being quite so friendly. It makes it very difficult for me to tell whether he’s just being friendly or if there’s something more to it. I guess that’s just how society is nowadays though, with men and women often being genuinely just friends, with no expectation of anything else. In the past he might only have approached me if he was interested, but now....who knows who’s interested and who’s not. I have male friends, and he has female friends, so it’s actually normal for us to be as we are with each other.

I spent the rest of the evening sorting through cupboards and throwing things away, or having a good clear out as my family would say. I couldn’t believe the sort of things I’d hoarded. Random birthday and Christmas cards with no particular significance, years old job rejection letters, and all sorts of hand written notes relating to job hunting 11 years ago. I seem to have kept drafts of almost every application letter I ever sent. It was interesting and a little poignant to read them now, to see how I sold myself then, what my hopes were for my future career, what I wanted to do with my life.

My life certainly hasn’t gone the way I hoped it would back then, but there have been interesting times, I’ve learnt a lot, seen some of the world and I’ve made some great friends. There is of course the whole never had boyfriend thing, which I definitely did not expect to still be true all this time later, and which is the aspect of my life I’m most unhappy with. However, the forthcoming new job and home are taking my mind off that at the moment.

A few colleagues at work have made comments about maybe finding myself a man when I move, which I think indicates that I’m seen as the eternally single woman at my workplace. Some people have said change begets change, which I suppose can be true, but I’m not that hopeful. If it hasn’t happened so far in the various places I’ve lived, why would it just because I moved and started a new job? I will though make the effort to put myself out there. I’ll do classes and clubs and generally try to meet people as I won’t know anyone. One advantage I do have is that I am more confident now than I was when I first moved to my current town. I’m still essentially shy, but I can make conversation (sort of) and I’m not scared to walk into a class or club alone.

We shall see.

So much to do

I’ve been a little AWOL from blogging over the past couple of weeks, partly due to travelling for Christmas and New Year, partly due to being busy getting ready to move to my new job and city.

I spent Christmas with my family in another part of the country, and as there were only three of us on the actual day it was a quiet one. Also the family issues which started at the end of last year are ongoing so my dad wasn’t as happy as he could have been. Still, it was good to see them and to visit various other relatives who live in the same area.

New Year was spent with my best friend and her family, again in a different part of the country. As she has two young children New Year’s Eve didn’t involve any partying but it was fun nonetheless, spent at home chatting, drinking wine and playing cards (wow, I really know how to party don’t I?).

I then spent the final couple of days off work looking for a home in my new city. I decided to find a room in a shared house to give me a chance to get to know the various areas of the city before committing to my own place. It also means I will immediately know at least some people, which will hopefully mean I can do a bit of socialising and maybe meet others. I saw a few places, some ok, some that I would have hated to live in (dirty house, awful area of the city), but quite quickly found one I really liked and I have taken it. It’s in a pleasant area, the house feels homely, my room is a good size and my new housemates seem friendly.

I’ll be moving there and starting the new job later this month. I’m really quite excited about moving, especially now I’ve found a home and hope it will be the change I need. I’m also nervous, about moving to a new place where I don’t know anyone and about starting a new job for the first time in a long time.

I spent a lovely evening at the weekend with E and A, who’ve now moved in together. They’ve already said they’ll come and visit me and have invited me to come back here and visit them. I’m very much going to miss them and it will be very strange not seeing them regularly, but I know I’m not going to lose them as friends.

Chatty Guy is still, well, chatty. He made a comment today about getting me drunk at my leaving drinks/dinner, but it sounded like a general “we’ll all get you drunk” so I’m not reading anything into that (or maybe I am or I wouldn’t be writing about it?).

I have a lot of finishing up in my current job, clearing out, packing and saying goodbye to friends to do over the next few weeks, and I think it will probably turn out to be quite an emotional time.

Changes

This past week has been rather eventful, a little stressful, but quite exciting. I had the interview midweek and immediately afterwards I wasn’t sure how it had gone. Some questions I felt I answered well, others I thought I could have answered more fully, and for a few I wasn’t sure my answers were very articulate.

They said they wanted to make a quick decision and would let me know one way or the other later that day, or the next. I received a call right at the end of the working day. I fully expected it to be a “thank you for coming to the interview, we decided someone else was more suitable” type call.

It wasn’t. They offered me the job, and asked me to decide whether to accept by the following day. I think I was probably in shock for the rest of the evening, and was slightly panicked about the extra responsibility the job entails.

I had already arranged to meet E and A and another friend for a drink and when I told them the news they were hugely excited for me and told me that I absolutely had to accept and that I can definitely do the job. They’re right on both counts: I can do the job, extra responsibility and all, and I would kick myself if I rejected the offer and found myself still stuck in my current job and going nowhere in a year’s time.

I’m now negotiating my notice period and will need to find somewhere to live in the new city. The next couple of months are going to be very busy and probably quite stressful, but I am fine with that because the flipside is that some of the change I need is coming sooner than I ever expected.

As for Chatty Guy, there is nothing much to say. He’s been his usual self and I’ve been too preoccupied with interview thoughts to try any flirting. He joined a few of us for drinks Friday night, which was fun, but it did just feel like drinks with friends. I’m really not sure there is anything there, from his side anyway. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to keep blogging about him, especially if it’s the same “I tried flirting, nothing happened” scenarios each time. I suspect it might just send me into over-analysis mode, which is the last thing I want or need.

Complete novice

I’m not sure if my giving I’m-interested-in-you signs to Chatty Guy is going that well. I sent a global email about Secret Santa presents to a few people during the week, and he replied (the only one to do so) in a slightly cheeky way asking if I could get his gift for him. A few emails then went back and forth between us, friendly and jokey, but not really flirty.

Then the other evening I was checking a couple of messages on a social networking site and noticed that he was logged in too. I spent a while wondering whether to make some sort of contact, and finally plucked up the courage to start a chat with him. I then spent an anxious couple of minutes staring at the screen waiting for him to reply, and thinking that maybe I’d scared him off. He did reply though and we chatted for a bit. Again, nothing particularly flirty, but I guess at least I managed to initiate the chat, he didn’t ignore me and it did last for longer than one message each.

I feel like such a novice at all of this. Other women seem to be naturally able to flirt with men they like or to somehow let them know they’re interested, while I’m spending ages trying to work out what I should do and how I should act, and then attempting to put that into practice.

Should it just come naturally? Should I just know how to show a guy I’m interested? Will I get better at it with experience? Or are all those experienced flirty women actually working very hard to do and say the right things and underneath it all feeling exactly the same as me?

I’ve actually searched the internet for tips on how to show someone I like them, but there is a part of me that feels that doing things such as deliberately amending your body language because a website suggested it is a little false. Although obviously not doing such things hasn’t got me anywhere so far, so maybe I need to give it a go.

On a completely different note I had a notification from the social networking site which was amusing in a perverse kind of way. An old schoolfriend of mine, who I haven’t seen for at least 16 years, answered a question about me in a quiz.

The question was “Do you think [my full name] is still a virgin?”

Her answer was no.

If only.