So apparently I'm not the world's best party guest

Although I probably knew that about myself already. I went to my ex-housemate, the Scientist's birthday party the other evening. It was at her house and I said I'd go because I like her and because I would hate it if I was throwing a party and nobody came. I wasn't really that keen though, and would have preferred to sit at home with the TV or some music and a book.

I think I've mentioned previously that I'm not good in large groups of people. Well, the party was no exception. The only people I knew there were the Scientist, her housemate, and the Scientist's ex-work colleague. The rest were mostly people she knows from a musical activity she does. I spent some time talking to her, a little talking to her housemate, and most of the evening talking to the ex-work colleague. I will certainly never be one of those people who wanders around all the rooms at a house party chatting to everyone.

That bit of the evening was ok, especially when the ex-work colleague confessed that she didn't like house parties either. Unfortunately she had to leave fairly early and I ended up sitting with six or seven people I didn't know, listening to them talking and trying to smile or laugh at the appropriate points. I think I contributed about two comments, excluding telling them where I work when they asked.

I stayed late enough not to look rude then decided to leave. I got up and made my way out of the room, and I'm sure as I went one or two of the people made comments about having scared me off. I guess they may have thought I was unfriendly and rude as I didn't talk much, but surely there's no need to comment while I'm still in the room? I must have become much thicker skinned over the years because it didn't actually bother me. I just thought "oh well, their problem not mine".

I'm not entirely sure where I am going with this post. At 35 I know I'm not suddenly going to be able to change my whole character and become the life and soul of the party. I just wish I came across as a semi-confident, interesting person, rather than an extremely shy, socially maladjusted one. All the advice about going out and doing things making it easier to meet men is all very well, but it's not going to work if I can only manage to speak to people I already know.

Lethargy

It's been a while and there isn't a great deal to report. I've become sort of lethargic about the whole online dating thing. There's been a few more longish messages between me and Scarf Guy, but he has made no mention of meeting up. Even if he had I haven't had many free weekends recently. I've had a few get togethers with friends and I've been on holiday and the few times I have had a weekend to myself I've just felt like vegging. Yes I could have suggested meeting myself, but I think the fact that I didn't probably indicates that I'm not that interested in him.

I've had the odd bit of interest from a couple of other eharmony guys but at the moment I'm really just feeling "can't be bothered" about it all. I can't put my finger on why. Maybe it feels like hard work? Harder than meeting someone in real life, getting to know them and things developing from there. I know though that if I don't make the effort I can't really sit around and complain. The ideal man isn't just going to appear from nowhere. But how I go about getting back my enthusiasm and energy I'm not sure.

I still have enthusiasm and energy in the rest of my life. I had a great, fun time on holiday with T, I've been happy spending time with friends and I had a really entertaining evening with my work colleagues the other week. I have various "dates" in my diary for the next month or two. Trouble is, none of them are with men.

And if your way should falter, along the stony pass...

It's been a hectic few weeks, mostly unrelated to online dating. I have been away from home for the last three weekends and will be next weekend two,which has left me tired, but I have had some wonderful times with friends.

Weekend 1 I was away watching a U2 concert with T. We both loved it, so much so that we decided to try to get tickets for the following weekend at a different venue. We managed to get some, plus somewhere to stay so had a rather short notice weekend 2 away. The concert was even better than the first (better atmosphere, better crowd, felt more intimate) and we both came away as huge fans, whereas prior to seeing them live I would have described us as casual fans. We loved the "classics" but didn't know too much else. Now I am having to stop myself from trying to tell everyone I talk to about how great they were - I'm sure I have detected a few glazed looks.

Weekend 3 I visited my best friend for a couple of days, then had a day out with E and A which involved a gallery, lunch, a beach, paddling in the sea and more food. This weekend coming I am visiting T for her birthday. I don't think I've had this many busy weekends in a row for years, but I'm not complaining, it's been a really great few weeks.

On the dating front, I am still communicating with Scarf Guy. We've both sent some really long messages so I feel I am getting to know a fair bit about him. I know some of you have suggested I meet him as soon as possible to see if there is any chemistry, but I think as he is the first one, I am happy with the long messages, then maybe a phone call before meeting in person. The messages are giving me practice at just communicating with a potential date. I'm ok at talking to male friends, but the potential date aspect makes me very nervous. I hope by the time we meet (assuming we do) I will feel as if I "know" him, will have things to talk about with him and will feel more relaxed with him. That's the theory anyway.

No more word from Bermuda Man so I think he's no. Two more guys have responded, a teacher who I'll call The Teacher, and a guy with a rather nice smile, who I find most attractive of the three. I also have a mountain of matches to wade through and either reject or contact. I haven't really been checking my account much recently. I will keep you posted of any developments.

Just a word on the title of this, it's a U2 lyric that I love, from a song written about/to Michael Hutchence after his suicide. It, and the rest of the song, have been popping into my head a lot recently, and I love the sentiment of it, that no matter how bad things may feel right now, it will pass, and it will get better. I have couple of people in my life who I have needed to say that to recently and in one case I emailed a link to the song. It felt a soppy thing to do, but also completely appropriate. There are some things that songs, poems etc can express better than I ever could.

Communication is open

I have now moved to "open communication" with Scarf Guy, which means we can now exchange proper messages. He sent the first, quite short as he was sending from an internet cafe while on holiday, but friendly. He told me a little about himself and asked a couple of things about me. He sent it earlier in the week, but I've only just got round to replying this evening. My message was longer than his, and hopefully struck a friendly tone and wasn't too boring.

I am still waiting for Barbados Man to reply to my last lot of questions. And a new guy has sent me questions. One is about how romantic I am, another about my idea of a romantic date, and a third about how physically affectionate I am (do I like hand holding etc). I am really not sure how to answer those. The multiple choices didn't include "no idea, never been in a romantic situation or been affectionate with a man"...This guy's profile put me off a little too. He'd written "dont" and "Im" (i.e. unpunctuated) and that is one of my absolute pet hates. It really doesn't take that long to put the apostrophe in, and without it the words are just plain wrong. Receiving messages spelt like that would drive me mad, so I may give him a miss.

In other news there is not a huge amount going on. I have had quite a lazy day today watching DVDs for the afternoon and evening. I had several which I'd bought ages ago but not got round to watching. It's been quite enjoyable. Next weekend promises to be a more exciting as I'm off to a concert with T.

And last but not least thank you to those readers who have emailed me, it's good to learn a little more about you :)

So I was just wondering...

Nothing exciting to report on the online dating front. I have continued communication with the second guy (who I'm going to call Barbados Man because he says he'd like to own a home there one day). We've exchanged must haves and can't stands and there are no dealbreakers there. I've sent the second lot of questions to him.

I have some questions to answer from Scarf Guy. The answers are free text rather than multiple choice and I need to take some time to think about my answers, but have not really been in the right mood this weekend. I will see if I can get them done tomorrow evening.

I felt a little sad yesterday evening. I spent the day with T and her mum, lunching, drinking wine, mooching and doing a little shopping. It was a fun day and when I arrived home alone to an empty house I felt a bit sad at the prospect of the rest of the evening. I found it rather odd as I do like (and need) time spent alone and enjoy my own company and being able to do exactly what I want. I think if I had spent the day alone I would have been perfectly ok about being alone for the evening too. I guess it was just the contrast between a fun, busy day and a quiet evening which affected me. Anyway I've felt fine today.

Ok, the third topic for this post is the main reason I am writing this evening. I have a statcounter on my blog and can log in and see some details of who is visiting the site - ISP, country, what web browser they have etc. The same visitors seem to pop up quite regularly and I've been wondering about you all - who are you, why do you read the blog. Of course I know who some of you are from your comments (and I really enjoy the interaction we have and very much appreciate your advice, suggestions and support) but the rest I have no idea about.

I'd love to hear from you - drop me a line at whenyouleastexpect@gmail.com.

A little progress

I am still communicating with Scarf Guy. I sent him some questions which required free text answers, rather than multiple choice, and he has answered them and sent his own back. He still sounds an interesting person, with some likes in common with me (e.g. travel) and others which I don't do often but enjoy when I do (e.g. walking in the countryside). He generally seems to have a similar outlook on life to me.

Slightly excitingly, someone actually started communication with me. He sent me a wink as an "ice-breaker", I sent him back a message saying let's communicate, so he sent me some questions. He looks physically more like the kind of guy I usually find attractive and I was more keen on him than Scarf Guy until I got back his answers to my first lot of questions.

One of them I sent was "how do you feel about your partner having friends of the opposite sex?". His answer was the most negative of the 4 choices, that he would feel uncomfortable with his partner having friends of the opposite sex. This was not a great answer from my point of view. I do have male friends. A couple of them I am pretty close to and see fairly often. The others I see less often, but I enjoy their company and have fun with them.

I don't think I would be particularly happy in a relationship with someone who felt uncomfortable with my friendships. I would make me feel uneasy about seeing my friends, knowing that my partner didn't like it, and I would worry about being pressured to give them up. And I am not giving up my friends for anything. They're my friends, I love them and they're part of what makes me me.

Wasn't this supposed to be fun?

I arrived home from work feeling a little deflated today. Work was a bit Monday-ish and we were low on staff so I was busy doing all sorts that I don't usually do. And I'm starting to feel like my venture into online dating is never going to amount to anything.

The one guy who responded to my questions ended up closing the match. At least half of the others I've contacted have closed the match without answering the questions. There are currently 22 guys who I have sent questions to who haven't responded in any way. And then there's the ones I wasn't at all interested in or wasn't sure about who have closed the match one me or vice versa.

I had my first questions sent to me at the end of last week. If it had happened a week earlier I think I would've been quite excited but the general jadedness that had set in by last week, as well as who they were from, prevented that.

The questions were sent by a guy who from his photo looks a little odd. He is dressed in a black leather jacket (a formal style one rather than a casual one) and a scarf and is sitting on an armchair inside a house. He's not smiling or looking animated in any way. It looks as if he set up a tripod and put his camera on self-timer. I hadn't actually got round to closing the match because his profile sounded vaguely interesting and I wondered whether he might post more photos and this one would turn out to be just a bad picture.

He did post a couple more photos when he sent the questions and they weren't really much better. One was him in the same outfit standing in front of a car, the other a close up head and shoulders shot. He looks quite stocky, he has shaved/very short hair and generally doesn't look like the men I am usually attracted to. All the men I have contacted so far have been slim-ish, have had hair and have not resembled him in any way.

But in a fit of fed-up-ness at the lack of interest shown by anyone else, rather than close the match I responded to his questions. I'm beginning to wonder whether I should lower my standards when it comes to looks. I don't think they're particularly high, but judging by how many of the men I though attractive have closed the match, maybe I am. Maybe I am going for men who are much more attractive than me and thus out of my league. Or maybe I need to go for men with a different look to my usual "type", as it seems my usual type isn't attracted to me. I don't know.

All of this gets me to thinking about why no man has ever asked me out. Just about every woman I know in real life has been asked out at some point in some way, whether by a friend, an acquaintance, a colleague, a friend of a friend, an acquaintance or someone else. It may not have been an official "let's go on a date", it may have been more of a mutual agreement but it's still better than I have done.

I think I need to stop here, as I feel myself about to cover ground that I'm sure I've covered more than enough previously.