Where to begin

Don't worry, I haven't done anything exciting like find a boyfriend or lose my virginity. The recent drama has all been in my friend T's life. Now I'm all for living vicariously through the lives of others but in this case I wish her life had been boring since my last post.

Last time I posted I was worried about going away for the weekend with her in case she gushed about the guy she was seeing. Well the weekend was fine, there was a little gushing, and a bit of worry, as there was misunderstanding the two of them needed to sort out while she was away, but all was ok. Since then however it's all been downhill.

Not long after that weekend he told her he had to clear the air with his ex girlfriend and that until that was done he and T couldn't be together properly as it would be unfair on both women. Fair enough, it seemed he was doing the right thing. Not long after that he told her he only wanted to be friends with her, only to sleep with her again a week or two later. And a couple of days after that he again told her he could only be friends. The possibility of him getting back together with his ex was also mentioned.

Various other things have happened before and after these two "just friends" chats. He has invited her to his house for the evening then changed his mind at the last minute. She has gone to his house for an evening and he has tried to make her go home just before midnight after the last train has left. Other plans have been made and broken by him. All in all he has been a pretty unreliable guy.

However she says she is in love with him and really wanted to try to be friends with him so she didn't lose him from her life completely. She thinks it was going ok but from the numerous emails she sent me daily, over analysing every last action and word of his for a sign he might want more than friendship, I don't think it was.

Almost the last straw came a couple of weeks ago when he posted on a social networking site that he was in a relationship. He hadn't told T. She assumed it was the ex but was really upset that he hadn't told her in person. She was feeling so bad that she almost pulled out of the holiday we were due to go on.

Then this week it got worse. He cam out for drinks to celebrate her birthday. She had invited him long ago and he had said he would come. She kept saying that if he didn't she wouldn't bother going out at all (which sort of made me feel a little unwanted - aren't I good enough to celebrate with?).

Anyway, he did some out, and the evening started okay, but then in bar number 2, he made some comments relating to drug dealing friends which really disturbed me. She told me not to worry and we carried on to bar number 3. For the first half hour or so the three of us drank and chatted and took photos, then the two of them moved away a little and started their own conversation, leaving me standing alone, for pretty much the rest of the evening. She came over to me a couple of times to say they were sorting out the whole friendship thing and please could I let them sort it then we could have fun. The fun did not happen as not long after she came to me and said he had just said something which suggested he himself deals in drugs. He also made some nasty comments to her which made her feel awful about herself. She ended up crying her eyes out on me when we got home, though she never showed him how upset she was.

I am really not good at dealing with this sort of thing, as much as I might say "it will get better, you won't always feel like this" how do I know it will get better having never experienced it? Part of me also wants to shake her and say "you've only known him for 5 months, how can you be in love with him?" but again I have no personal experience to base that on. And when she says she hates herself and that shit keeps happening to her, I feel like saying "what about me? You think you're awful because this happened, I am so loathsome that nobody even wants to try to be with me, so I've never got as far as being dumped."

I'm not really sure where this post is going, but I am just tired of being an amateur counsellor for her (she has said a few times she wants to die and has self esteem problems) and needed to write this all down. I will keep doing the counsellor thing as much as I can, but it is exhausting me and I'm not qualified for it. I am trying with not much luck to get her to see her doctor and get a referral to someone who is qualified. I am grateful all this crap is not happening to me, but at the same time it makes me sad that I have no idea what it feels like to love someone.

This could go one of two ways

I am going away for the weekend with T tomorrow. I was really looking forward to it. We're going to a city we've been to once before and want to see more of, and have a concert to go to.

Part of me still is excited. However, another part of me is a little apprehensive. T has a new boyfriend and is, by her own admission, very loved-up. She said the other day that she was likely to be unbearable this weekend. I don't mind hearing some things about her new man and how happy she is, but I'm not sure I can cope with an whole weekend of being told how wonderful he is. It's only likely to make me feel even more single and unwanted and I suspect I may be fed up of it by Friday evening.

The fact that she has acknowledged that she might be very annoying does give me some hope though, as when I've had enough I can probably tell her, in the nicest possible way, that it's time to change the subject.

How do I say no?

Now I have a text message from eHarmony guy to reply to. He texted Tuesday to ask how a sponsored swim I did at the weekend went. I was busy Tuesday evening and didn't get around to replying. I thought that might give him a signal that I wasn't really interested but then yesterday evening while I was out with friends he texted to ask how I was and whether I wanted to meet up again.

I am struggling to know how to respond. I don't want to meet him again, but am not sure how to put that politely. I also don't know whether I need to, or should, explain why not. I suppost I could just say I didn't feel there was any chemistry between us, but it sounds a bit like a scripted answer, the sort that eHarmony uses (or used to, they don't seem to want a reason anymore when closing matches).

Left behind yet again

That guy I mentioned a few posts back who was flirting with my friend T? He is now officially her boyfriend. So again, I am the odd one out, the only single person among my female friends. I spoke to her earlier and she says today is the happiest day of her life and she can't stop smiling. And that is great, I love her to bits and she deserves some happiness after a tough last year or two.

But it makes me dwell even more on what the hell is wrong with me that I have reached my age without having a boyfriend. T has known this guy for about a month. He has worked in her office for a couple of weeks and been flirting with her for a little less than that. She is not the type of woman who goes from guy to guy and is never single, far from it in fact. She is not very confident with men and has, to my knowledge, had 3 relationships. But she does at least attract men, which is more than I do apparently.

None of the guys I contacted on eHarmony have responded and nobody has contacted me. I've just been on the site a fired off more questions to a few more guys. I don't know what else I can do. I'm trying, I signed up for online dating, I'm contacting guys, but it's not getting me anywhere.

Not great, but ok

Thank you to everyone for all the advice and encouragement. My worries about the date seemed so silly, so it was a help to know that I'm not the only grown woman concerned about things such as whether she might be a bad kisser.

Anyway, onto the date. I've pretty much summed it up in the title. I wouldn't describe it as a great date, but it was ok, and certainly better than the other two dates I've been on in my life.

I arrived early at the pub and was queuing to buy myself a drink at the bar when I recognised him walking past the window. He didn't however come in straight away (he later said he had walked round the block so he wasn't too early) so I bought myself a drink. I have no idea if that's the done thing on a date, but when I arrive at a pub or bar first when meeting friends, I always buy myself a drink before sitting down. My friends would do the same. None of us would just sit down and wait, so I guess I just did what felt comfortable and natural to me. He walked in as I looking for somewhere to sit. He got himself a drink and we sat down.

And so the date proper...I didn't feel quite as nervous as I thought I would. We managed to keep the conversation going with not too many awkward silences. I learned a bit about him, and he learned a bit about me. There was some laughter, and we chatted a little about an interest we have in common. I didn't hate it and I didn't hate him.

However, I don't think I liked him either, not in the way I would need to go on and have further dates with him. A few times during the evening I found myself not very interested in what he was saying (I feel a bit mean saying that, as I'm sure he found me boring at times too). I'm not sure that I felt any spark, or chemistry, or whatever you want to call it. Although as I've not felt it ever before I wouldn't know what it felt like, but I'm sure I would have known if it had been there. There were a couple of quite negative comments he made about other people which weren't really something you would say to someone you were trying to make a good impression with.

One thing which didn't impress me at all was something he said about his job, which suggested he doesn't work all the hours he is paid for, and has not been doing so for some time. He seemed to be sort of proud of it and said his boss doesn't know about it. Now I'm not a workaholic and work is not by any means the most important thing in my life, but I am fairly conscientious at work, and this attitude just didn't seem "right" to me.

He offered to buy another drink at 10pm, but as I have to get up quite early for work I declined. I suspect that had I felt there was a possibility that I would want to see him again, I would have accepted. There was no kiss, not even a hug. I certainly didn't feel that I wanted to kiss or hug him, and I guess either he felt the same, or I was giving off "I don't want you to touch me" vibes.

Today, thinking back to last night, I realise that I have no particular urge to see him again, or to get to know him better, which I suppose may be an indication the chemistry wasn't there. Despite that, it was good to go on a date, to get over that hurdle of my first date in years, and to have it be not a complete disaster. It was certainly a good idea to meet him sooner rather than later. I will keep plugging away with eHarmony for the moment and see where it takes me.

OK, now I'm panicking

I've just made the mistake of googling for advice on first dates, and have found all sorts of articles about kissing at the end of the date. I'm sure I will manage to converse with him in some way, I think I can seem interesting, I may even be able to make him laugh, but I have no idea how to kiss and am utterly convinced that if it happens I will screw it up. And therefore I am now dreading the end of the date.

And what's with all the online advice which says that you really must kiss on the first date, and if you don't then it means there was no chemistry, or you don't like each other? Is there something wrong with wanting to spend more than a couple of hours with someone before kissing them?

I hate being a 35 year old woman with the relationship and dating experience of a teenager.

Why does this not seem real?

The date appears to still be going ahead on Tuesday, but I've gone from panic last week, to feeling sort of calm. I think it's been so long since I went on a date that it doesn't seem real or possible that I'm going on one.

I decided that on safety grounds, as I will be getting to the date by public transport, I should probably make it in my city so I am somewhere I know and will know all the options for getting home. I asked if he was okay coming here and said I could find us somewhere for dinner or a drink. He's replied that it would be good to "meet for a drink" on Tuesday, which is a little annoying as I was banking on being able to eat to fill any awkward silences. I guess maybe he doesn't want to commit to a full on dinner in case we don't get on, or things go badly?

He did suggest a venue, or rather a particular street in the city, which is known for good, fairly stylish, bars and restaurants, so he gets plus points for that. I will probably eat something small before going out, and if we're getting on I can always suggest that we grab some dinner. He's given me his email address in case I prefer to communicate that way. I've just emailed him and let know what time I can make it on Tuesday.

I am pretty sure that at some point before Tuesday it will all seem scarily real and I will panic again, but I know I will need to relax and try not to put too much pressure on myself to have a "successful" date. I did go into eharmony earlier and send off some initial questions to a few other interesting sounding guys. I don't want to be putting all my efforts and focus on this one, in case it doesn't go well.