Long time, no post. There's been no particular reason for the lack of blogging, I just haven't really felt in the mood to write. I have been keeping up with me favourite blogs, though haven't managed to do much commenting either.
So, a few updates. T hasn't really moved on much. On the surface she mostly appears okay, is functioning normally, and has cut back a lot on alcohol (she was drinking daily). But she says she is still in love with the idiot guy and described him at one point as an addiction.
A couple of times I have felt our friendship has been threatened by how she feels. Once, she said I sounded disapproving in a phone conversation with her of her wish to stay friends with him, and said if I couldn't support her we might have to talk about whether we could remain friends. We got past that, and on another occasion after she had said she didn't think she could cope with how she felt much longer, I suggested she see her doctor and get referred to a psychologist (which she was referred to a year or two ago for self esteem issues, but because of an admin error never had an appointment). She texted "Goodbye" to me, saying that a doctor can't fix everything and can't stop you loving someone. She went AWOL on me for a week or two then sent a text which said simply "sorry". She occasionally mentions how awful she still feels but I haven't had to play counsellor too much since then, so I think maybe she is aware of how draining I was finding it. She did send me a lovely note at Christmas thanking me for keeping her going and it was nice to know she appreciates me. Despite everything we have had some really fun times over the past few months, when hopefully she has managed to forget him briefly and enjoy herself.
As for me, there have been no more dates. I am still a member of eHarmony but rather inactive. I have hundreds of matches I haven't even looked at. I got really fed up with sending men questions and not hearing back from any of them. Surely one of them at some point has to find me interesting? And I don't think I have been attracted to a single man who has sent me questions. Some are much older than me, others have been really overweight, which I really don't find attractive, others just sound plain boring.
I feel as if I have reached the point where I just can't be bothered. I haven't cried about being single for a long time. I'm not sure I've even felt particularly sad. But I'm not really happy and content with it either. I just don't really seem to feel anything. Have I become really hard? Have I lost the ability to feel sadness about something that I have been sad about for years? I still fantasise about what it would be like to be in a relationship which I think means I still want to be in one, so why am I am not pushing myself to do something about it?
4 comments:
Glad to see you here again. It is really frustrating to play counselor when you're not qualified to truly help someone who clearly needs to vent to a professional.
It's funny, the way you describe how you feel lately is exactly how I feel...nothing. I don't really cry anymore about being alone even though it still really gets me down. The weird part is when I have a few drinks, I can get pretty emotional and cry, and have been compelled to drink a lot lately, just to feel like I feel something. Then, of course, I got nervous about drinking too much, so I stopped! Ugh.
I'm glad you're back too but I'm sorry you've come back feeling so down about life.
We all know how tough it is out there but I wouldn't feel right letting you act so hopeless because it's not hopeless- you are okay. You'll be okay. I always tell my friends that being apathetic and bored is a luxury in life... and I actually do mean it. Our lives could be so much worse, that's why we can't feel terrible about them and we need to make the extra effort to feel optimistic. Good things are around the corner but we need to keep walking to reach them. I don't know, maybe I'm being corny... but what I've realized is that nothing good comes out of sitting around and feeling blah. Even being a little angry or sad is better than that.
I just think you need to start hoping for more again.
Thanks guys, it's good to be back and I will try to post more regularly. Feeling nothing is a good way of putting it. The funny thing is, it's only that part of my life I feel blah about. I can feel anger and frustration at work when there's been some tough times recently, and I've had several very soppy moments where I've felt masses of love and appreciation for my friends and happiness that they're in my lives, and have have just wanted to tell them how great they are. But you'r right G/W, our lives are okay and I do need to start hoping for me again instead of giving up.
That should have read hoping for more, rather than me. Though hoping for me kind of makes sense too, I've spent enough time hoping for T to be happy and find someone decent.
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